WHY DO MEN DOWNPLAY THEIR PAST RELATIONSHIPS?

[Triniwegian]

I have noticed this a lot, when talking about past relationships with men, they seem to downplay the relationship, not saying anything negaive about the ex, but making it seem like it wasn't a big deal.

Anyone ever read "Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti"?

What is means is that men think in boxes; one relationship is a box (the surface of a waffle) and when the issue in that "box" is solved/dealt with you leave it behind and move on to the next. With women, spahetti is all entagled and we don't seem to separate relationships from other aspects of our lives like men do.

Anyway, what is your take on this?

 

[foxee]

I have noticed this a lot, when talking about past relationships with men, they seem to downplay the relationship, not saying anything negaive about the ex, but making it seem like it wasn't a big deal.

Actually, I prefer it this way. I'm very leery of men who speak negatively about their ex-girlfriends. It makes me wonder if they're bitter or possibly not over the relationships.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

1. They feel it's really none of your business.
2. They don't want to bring up the past and scare you off.
3. They really like you and don't want you to think anyone compares.
4. Maybe it's not that special or serious UNTIL they meet that one. The last chick wasn't it... so oh well.

 

[Triniwegian]

Actually, I prefer it this way. I'm very leery of men who speak negatively about their ex-girlfriends. It makes me wonder if they're bitter or possibly not over the relationships.

Absolutey, bad-mouthing an ex-girlfrind = Major red flag!
But I didn't mean bad-mouthing, just talking about it like it was nothing, even if you know it was something more than just casually dating.

 

[foxee]

Absolutey, bad-mouthing an ex-girlfrind = Major red flag!
But I didn't mean bad-mouthing, just talking about it like it was nothing, even if you know it was something more than just casually dating.

Okay, gotcha. But why would it matter if he's dating someone new? Water under the bridge and all that . . .

I loathe talking about old relationships when I meet someone new. Not that all of my past BF's were jerks, but I don't feel it's important enough to bring up. I dated a guy, it didn't work out, end of story. Plus it's no one's business!

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Women would fare better if we did the same. Keep the past none of his business....simple enough to say.."He is a wonderful man but we were not right for each other." End of subject.

 

[sunnydaze]

^^^^^^^^^


ITA. I remember reading an article somewhere stating that women should not divulge certain traumatic things about past relationships (being abused, chronically cheated on, drained financially), supposedly b/c on a subconscious level it is telling the next person how to treat you.

 

[Taliah]

But I didn't mean bad-mouthing, just talking about it like it was nothing, even if you know it was something more than just casually dating.

I think they interpret it as failure or a problem they saw no resolution to. Pretty much a dead issue. Next.

 

[tiara76]

I understand the question u are asking op...my ex was like that he made the relationships that meant the most to him seem like they were not a meaningful part of his life and this is just as much a red flag as the man who speaks negatively about past relationships....hes holding onto emotional pain around it and it will be an issue.....i encouraged my ex to deal with these past relationships and resolve them....he has came such a long way by dealing with those feelings and finding ways to express them

 

[Spiffy]

I guess I am more guy like, because this is what I do. Men compartmentalize things. That's why the put women in certain boxes (the girlfriend-type box, the just friends box, the bootycall box, etc.)

If I am over the past and want to start a new, why bring up old stuff, in the beginning. I watched this show once called "Wingman" and this psychologist said that people should not talk about exes until they are 'exclusive' or getting closer towards it. Until then, it's none of the other persons business because they are still a stranger and two because sometimes revealing info. about past relationships can dig up old stuff and freak us out, freak them out, just take a budding relationship places it does not need to go and if it does not work out how would you feel knowing you shared such personal info with someone who is still essentially a stranger.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I understand the question u are asking op...my ex was like that he made the relationships that meant the most to him seem like they were not a meaningful part of his life and this is just as much a red flag as the man who speaks negatively about past relationships....hes holding onto emotional pain around it and it will be an issue.....i encouraged my ex to deal with these past relationships and resolve them....he has came such a long way by dealing with those feelings and finding ways to express them

Hmmm.... the plot thickens.

Yeah, I don't think that women hold the exclusive right to being hurt or significantly affected by a past relationship. I think sometimes that "unemotional" side of men that doesn't ever deal with their feelings - and just moves on to the next - can be a detriment to future relationship building as well with YOU dealing with the baggage he may have never took time to deal with himself.

 

[Taliah]

You just described the differences in waffles and spaghetti ^^

 

[Triniwegian]

Hmmm.... the plot thickens.

Yeah, I don't think that women hold the exclusive right to being hurt or significantly affected by a past relationship. I think sometimes that "unemotional" side of men that doesn't ever deal with their feelings - and just moves on to the next - can be a detriment to future relationship building as well with YOU dealing with the baggage he may have never took time to deal with himself.

THANK YOU!!!
I was thinking this as well, because if you refuse to talk about it or just blow it off like it was nothing, rather than saying "She didn't want me" or "I messed up" or what have you, makes me think that you are sweeping the issue under the rug and you will never really deal with it.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Yeah, men definitely compartmentalize. If they see a past relationship as kind of a failure on their part, they surely don't want to rehash it with a new female. I don't LIKE it when a guy talks too much about past relationships, esp. right away, and I think guys don't like it either when we do it.

 

[Taliah]

But if they did that then they wouldn't be waffels^^

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

THANK YOU!!!
I was thinking this as well, because if you refuse to talk about it or just blow it off like it was nothing, rather than saying "She didn't want me" or "I messed up" or what have you, makes me think that you are sweeping the issue under the rug and you will never really deal with it.

Or you never know.... he may still be carrying around a torch for her.

I can't speak for other women but I would want to have some inkling of his past dating/relationship experiences. I don't need the play-by-play on the first date but I would want to know what I'm dealing with if we're approaching exclusivity or talking about marriage.

To answer the OP... How do I feel about waffles and spaghetti? I'd never heard of it before now but I think it's an apt description.

I think women need to be more waffle-like *in the beginning* because I feel like we have a tendency to give away too much information too soon when the relationship doesn't call for it.

I would expect there to be some "spaghetti" on both of our parts if we're discussing getting serious (i.e., being exclusive).

 

[tiara76]

Or you never know.... he may still be carrying around a torch for her.

I can't speak for other women but I would want to have some inkling of his past dating/relationship experiences. I don't need the play-by-play on the first date but I would want to know what I'm dealing with if we're approaching exclusivity or talking about marriage.

To answer the OP... How do I feel about waffles and spaghetti? I'd never heard of it before now but I think it's an apt description.

I think women need to be more waffle-like *in the beginning* because I feel like we have a tendency to give away too much information too soon when the relationship doesn't call for it.

I would expect there to be some "spaghetti" on both of our parts if we're discussing getting serious (i.e., being exclusive).

i like hearing about past relationships its a definite way to guage the emotional stability of a person, esp a man...a man who isn't emotionally strong or stable trying to be in a relationship is a trainwreck waiting to happen and women who feel some sense of "security" by men who seem to be unphased by past relationships or act like they have never been affected emotionally in anyway are going to the same ones who will tend to hold them selves back from you, esp if they are really feeling you and will try to downplay you as well....people thought i was crazy for urging my ex to reach out to his ex's and resolve issues, even he thought i was crazy....people were like what if he still wants to be with one of them...well then that needs to come to light if thats the case....whether he still wants to be with them or not he hadn't let go of hurts and they were blocks in our relationship...his first love hurt him and another girl in college he was into....he reached out to the girl from college and when he shut me out when he felt hurt by me she was the one who urged him to call me...

long story short he's come such a long way in the past three years by dealing with his emotions...it was a challenge and a struggle for him...he retreated, ran but always came back to them...hes in such a better place now and can even use the phrase "i love you" without flinching and actually likes to say it and express it

 

[DragonPearl]

I understand the question u are asking op...my ex was like that he made the relationships that meant the most to him seem like they were not a meaningful part of his life and this is just as much a red flag as the man who speaks negatively about past relationships....hes holding onto emotional pain around it and it will be an issue.....i encouraged my ex to deal with these past relationships and resolve them....he has came such a long way by dealing with those feelings and finding ways to express them

Basically, it comes down to, how honest do we want to be in a relationship, and how honest do we want our partner to be. Not everyone wants or can handle a totally honest relationship.