Why are we blamed yet it is he who cheated?

[okange76]

This is so puzzling to me. I look at all the comments on the web co-signing with the fact that Holly Petraeus is unattractive and that is why the General cheated. Do we have to be to sirens till the day we die? The Halle Berrys of the world are being cheated on every single day. What are their excuses then if looks are all it takes to keep men faithful?

Fix My Life with Iyanla Vanzant that has her talking to this 35 yr old black woman who is being pressured by friends and family to forgive her husband of 10 yrs who has cheated with 20 women during the course of their marriage. He is a pastor and most of the women attended his church and one has his child as well.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/...g-pastor_n_2104695.html?utm_hp_ref=own&ir=OWN

When are men going to be held accountable for their questionable choices? This is just too much. Too many excuses.

 

[hopeful]

I completely agree with you. It is apart of our culture, plain and simple. But it is unfair, to women in particular, but also to men, who are allowed to behave like boys instead of men. One by one we have to stand up to blaming women for everything. He cheated, he's wrong, he's at fault, he acted like an idiot. If he felt his wife was unattractive and wanted someone else, it was his responsibility to tell her and ask for a divorce. It is all of his fault and he deserves to carry all of the blame.

 

[DarkJoy]

Thanks for this thread!

I agree--it's all the fault of the cheater. I dont care if the marriage is in shambles, he hasnt seen a BJ since Carter was in office--get a divorce if you're that unhappy then feel free to bang everyone on the planet.

I HATE hearing the herd of unicorns on LHCF and everywhere else spouting nonsense about the WOMAN should have seen at least ONE red flag 30 years ago at the movies during that 10-day blizzard and KNOWN he would cheat on day 10,231 @ 9pm on the 10th meridian. Seriously?

We have to start making perpetrators responsible for their own actions and stop re-victimizing, blaming, pointing fingers at the SO who was wronged.

Point Blank. Period.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

Thanks for this thread!

I agree--it's all the fault of the cheater. I dont care if the marriage is in shambles, he hasnt seen a BJ since Carter was in office--get a divorce if you're that unhappy then feel free to bang everyone on the planet.

I HATE hearing the herd of unicorns on LHCF and everywhere else spouting nonsense about the WOMAN should have seen at least ONE red flag 30 years ago at the movies during that 10-day blizzard and KNOWN he would cheat on day 10,231 @ 9pm on the 10th meridian. Seriously?

We have to start making perpetrators responsible for their own actions and stop re-victimizing, blaming, pointing fingers at the SO who was wronged.

Point Blank. Period.

Look out. They will be here soon to tell you what you should have done to keep your man.

 

[chronicity]

Listen to how the affair is being described and you'll see it isn't just Holly who seems to be blamed for Patraeus' behavior. The woman he slept with seems to be taking more flak than he is. It is clear to me that many people want to portray Patraeus as a victim of a calculating Jezebel.

 

[okange76]

What really burns my britches is the fact that after the divorce especially if you have kids, there’s the damaged goods parade in your face since as the woman you were not able to “save” the marriage. Why is it our responsibility to save the marriage and he is the one who cheated? If we are doing everything in this marriage what is his purpose then? Why did he ask us to be his wife?

If you remarry, the man is seen as a savior since he married a woman with kids. If he has never been married before and doesn’t have kids then you’ve hit the jackpot and reached unicorn status. Why wouldn’t a man be attracted to us after kids whether divorced or never been married before? Aren’t we still women? Are we supposed to crawl somewhere and die? Ughh !!!

I’m not married and don’t have any kids but it really irks me when women both single and married are dogged all over the place and society expects us to suck it up and move on. Super heroes belong in comic books.

 

[MD_Lady]

Because misogyny and patriarchy are real. I also think the blame is the flip side to women being told they have the power to influence a man's behavior in a relationship. If someone believes a wife can and her way to having her husband be active an eager participant in their marriage, it isn't a surprise when those same people suggest the woman is lacking in those areas when he cheats.

 

[Perfexion]

If a woman cheats, she's a whore. If a man cheats it's because his woman is too fat/too old/too ugly/not attentive enough/too prudish, etc. It's a double standard with no accountability on the part of the man.

 

[PopLife]

What really burns my britches is the fact that after the divorce especially if you have kids, there’s the damaged goods parade in your face since as the woman you were not able to “save” the marriage. Why is it our responsibility to save the marriage and he is the one who cheated? If we are doing everything in this marriage what is his purpose then? Why did he ask us to be his wife?

If you remarry, the man is seen as a savior since he married a woman with kids. If he has never been married before and doesn’t have kids then you’ve hit the jackpot and reached unicorn status. Why wouldn’t a man be attracted to us after kids whether divorced or never been married before? Aren’t we still women? Are we supposed to crawl somewhere and die? Ughh !!!

I’m not married and don’t have any kids but it really irks me when women both single and married are dogged all over the place and society expects us to suck it up and move on. Super heroes belong in comic books.

I love this line!

 

[Layluh]

It's just patriarchy yall. A bunch of males hiding behind their male privilege, allowing them to say dumb things and they don't even know it. It's like when white folks are like "Oh see! blacks are irresponsible and inferior, they're all in jail" while ignoring the prison industrial complex oppression machine.

I remember once I was listening to a Tariq Nasheed podcast and he was talking about how women are deviant by nature and how it's ok for a man to cheat because men are able to better withstand certain things. For example, he said when a man has a mistress: he's not likely to get set up or be convinced that he should leave the marriage- so it's safer for men to cheat. Women on the other hand, we're supposedly more likely to believe any little thing a man tells us and and are more likely to leave the marriage.

That had to be some of the DUMBEST sht I'd ever heard in my life. Men don't make sense much of the time, so it's our job to educate them.

 

[Lucie]

If he was not happy with her, he should have divorced her instead. I am not sure what she looked like when she was younger but I doubt she looked drastically different. Did he not think she would get older? We all do! Shallow bastid!

 

[greenandchic]

If he was not happy with her, he should have divorced her instead. I am not sure what she looked like when she was younger but I doubt she looked drastically different. Did he not think she would get older? We all do! Shallow bastid!

She looked very different younger but I totally agree with you.

 

[LivingInPeace]

People have been blaming women for what men do since Adam and Eve. We as women need to get off the blame the woman bandwagon. Guys have guy code where they defend each other's actions no matter what. We need to do the same.

 

[hopeful]

If he was not happy with her, he should have divorced her instead. I am not sure what she looked like when she was younger but I doubt she looked drastically different. Did he not think she would get older? We all do! Shallow bastid!

And I was thinking about it one day. I think in most cases they do not want a divorce. They are not torn at all. They want the devoted, loving wife, the mother of their children, the family get togethers, the respect of being married for 35 years that society bestows upon them, AND new sex with the other woman. Men like this are sneaky, selfish, immature, greedy jerks and should be called on it. What's strange about this man too was that he was supposed to be a protector of his country, family, and wife, but deep down he is not protective at all with his ugly self lol. Part of life is sacrifice. No you can't be the well-respected pilar of society and a whore, sorry. Make a choice!

 

[hopeful]

People have been blaming women for what men do since Adam and Eve. We as women need to get off the blame the woman bandwagon. Guys have guy code where they defend each other's actions no matter what. We need to do the same.

Completely agree with you.

She looked very different younger but I totally agree with you.

Welp, at least she was cute back then, he never was with his goofy-looking self -- okay let me stop. But seriously, male privilege is ridiculous.

 

[okange76]

In the Political forum there is a thread talking about how Pat Robertson is saying that Petraeus should be forgiven and after all he is a man and she is a good looking woman who threw herself at him and he was lonely.

As a Christian clergyman he should be ashamed. How can he be so forgiving of someone who has broken one of the ten commandments that Christians are governed by. Infact as a human being he should be ashamed. Adultery is one thing that is frowned upon by anyone who has some sort of moral compass whether they are a person of faith or not.

Our clergymen are too comfortable signing on to this kind of BS. Where do we draw the line on this type of behavior if our spiritual leaders are worse than lay people?

 

[MsAminta]

Just wanted to say that I agree. The men need to MAN UP!!!

 

[wednesday]

This is so puzzling to me. I look at all the comments on the web co-signing with the fact that Holly Petraeus is unattractive and that is why the General cheated. Do we have to be to sirens till the day we die? The Halle Berrys of the world are being cheated on every single day. What are their excuses then if looks are all it takes to keep men faithful?

Fix My Life with Iyanla Vanzant that has her talking to this 35 yr old black woman who is being pressured by friends and family to forgive her husband of 10 yrs who has cheated with 20 women during the course of their marriage. He is a pastor and most of the women attended his church and one has his child as well.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/...g-pastor_n_2104695.html?utm_hp_ref=own&ir=OWN

When are men going to be held accountable for their questionable choices? This is just too much. Too many excuses.

Thanks is just not enough.

 

[janiebaby]

I was about to cosign and yes it is the man's fault but what of the women who beg their husbands not to divorce them? These women will turn a blind eye to their husbands infidelity and walk on eggshells to remain married maybe even trying to use the kids as well to keep him from leaving. I think both should be addressed.

 

[frizzy]

I think Holly is compliant to what her husband does just like a loooong list of women married to powerful men, shoot look at Hilary Clinton, and she IS accomplished in her own right.

I don't believe for a second that Holly was completely in the dark, but she chooses to stay...and stay she will (I bet) after this public outing. So no need to feel sorry for her, she is making the choice for herself.

Holly has nothing to be ashamed of...except for those hideous bangs on her head. I hold her fully responsible for that hairdo.

 

[carcajada]

Our clergymen are too comfortable signing on to this kind of BS. Where do we draw the line on this type of behavior if our spiritual leaders are worse than lay people?

They are comfortable because they too are in the same boat (or was or see themselves in him) and personally empathize with him. I always side eye a man who shows empathy towards a cheating man. That tells me a lot about him.