Why am I never approached by men

ZLUVSNEWZEE

ZLUVSNEWZEE

Well-Known Member
I live in San Francisco and I'm a plus size girl so I know that automatically puts me on the back burner for dates but I never ever get asked out. I don't understand it. I am round but pretty and I dress nice I am always out. Not nightclub out but out. I don't understand why I never ever ever meet men, ever. It's starting to get depressing. I know that God may feel I'm not ready for a relationship and that's cool but I don't think it's normal to have absolutely no male attention when you want it. I feel like as soon as somebody winks at me I'll be all over them and make a bad relationship decision like I've done in the past due to lonliness. I don't understand why I am so so so single. Could it be my energy, my ora, sending off a bad vibe. Sometimes I see them looking but they never approach. My self-esteem is dwindling. Is there anything I can do? I know I have so many other things to focus on, like my 2 year old, my school, work, career aspirations but everyone needs cuddling and romance and I definitely do. I want to feel attractive to someone other than my baby daddy. Him and I are no longer but he makes it a point to tell me I look good, but I don't want the compliments from him. I've been with him only for the last 3 years and I'm ready to move on, to see what it's like to hang out with someone else. Any advice?
 
San Francisco is very health and fitness conscious.

So, not knowing you, your personality and what you look like, i am going to give you a very superficial answer:

Lose weight.

Or move to Oakland. There is a black population there and weight criteria tend to be less stringent.
 
Maybe you aren't in the right social circle, OP?

I'm not sure. I'm not going to ask you to post a picture but I'm sure there is someone out there for you. There are women who weigh 800 lbs and have tons of men paying to watch them eat.

Are you self conscious? Most men can tell when a woman is self conscious about themselves.

Weight aside, how do you dress? Initial attraction is based almost entirely on what we see. Don't lose hope. Ask a your friends how they would perceive you? Is your look modern, etc?

I don't think you have to move to Oakland to find a mate.

I would also suggest online dating. There are sites catered specifically to BBW and the "men who love them".

Good luck OP.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
I live in San Francisco and I'm a plus size girl so I know that automatically puts me on the back burner for dates but I never ever get asked out. I don't understand it. I am round but pretty and I dress nice I am always out. Not nightclub out but out. I don't understand why I never ever ever meet men, ever. It's starting to get depressing. I know that God may feel I'm not ready for a relationship and that's cool but I don't think it's normal to have absolutely no male attention when you want it. I feel like as soon as somebody winks at me I'll be all over them and make a bad relationship decision like I've done in the past due to lonliness. I don't understand why I am so so so single. Could it be my energy, my ora, sending off a bad vibe. Sometimes I see them looking but they never approach. My self-esteem is dwindling. Is there anything I can do? I know I have so many other things to focus on, like my 2 year old, my school, work, career aspirations but everyone needs cuddling and romance and I definitely do. I want to feel attractive to someone other than my baby daddy. Him and I are no longer but he makes it a point to tell me I look good, but I don't want the compliments from him. I've been with him only for the last 3 years and I'm ready to move on, to see what it's like to hang out with someone else. Any advice?
Click to expand...

I'm overweight but I'm losing weight.

I have to ask you something

Have you decided with God and yourself what kind of man you desire?

Actually lemme say this first

Have you defined who you are in yourself?

Do you see yourself as God sees you?
A beautifully wonderfully made woman?


Let me say this: If you do not define yourself, the men who don't care about you will be more than happy to do it for you

I've learned this the hard way and its destructive.


I honestly admit it disturbed me that you automatically assumed you would be put in the back burner

Is that really how you feel about yourself?
Because that can be what being projected about you.

You are NOT a back burner woman.
You're a child of the Most High and you deserve His best.

That may call for being single.

So you can prepare for His best.

I'm slowly leaning that I'd rather work on myself and grow and be a phenomnal woman of God that it takes a man knowing God and of high standards to date me because I have them for myself.

Maybe that is what God is desiring of you.

The Lord knows the desires of your heart. He knows u want love.

But maybe you should possibly consider putting God, your child and yourself first. The rest will fall into place.

Trust me a man NOTICES when a woman is about her business. And that's sexy!
 
I mean you have a two year old...so obviously you have attracted men. Now, let's consider the demographics for San Francisco. The number of straight men of any race, your age range, that's attractive to a full figured woman with child. Let's consider how many of them you would date--what you're looking for--college graduate, 6 figured job, etc... All we have to figure out wheren they hang-out/email address and go from there.

If the population of elgible men is not that high, well let's find another location.
 
I would continue to focus on myself, but also try to lose weight (more for myself than to get a man) It would be putting yourself in a healthier place.

perhaps you can try something out of the ordinary and approach a guy?
 
Start affirming you are a beautiful loving and lovable woman. You have to believe you are deserving to get what you deserve ;)
 
Once you start believing that you are a wonderful, remarkable, woman of God with high self esteem, men will be all over you!

Uh... not to mention you're in the gay capital of the US... you know that already though.
 
Sounds like the common denominator is to build up my relationship with God and recognize my greatness and lose weight. I am actively working on all these things. I appreciate the honesty and my hugest goal right now is to lose 50lbs for health. I know I am attractive and I know GOd knows I want love and He will give it to me but sometimes my lonliness makes me forget how blessed I am. Thanks ladies for reminding me. Also I do need to get a clear grip on who I am so I will work on that too.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
Sounds like the common denominator is to build up my relationship with God and recognize my greatness and lose weight. I am actively working on all these things. I appreciate the honesty and my hugest goal right now is to lose 50lbs for health. I know I am attractive and I know GOd knows I want love and He will give it to me but sometimes my lonliness makes me forget how blessed I am. Thanks ladies for reminding me. Also I do need to get a clear grip on who I am so I will work on that too.
Click to expand...

I would Love to see what the Lord accomplishes in your life for His glory! Read His Word, work hard, serve others. You're gonna be okay. Just like I will be. You're gonna be MORE than okay!
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
Sounds like the common denominator is to build up my relationship with God and recognize my greatness and lose weight. I am actively working on all these things. I appreciate the honesty and my hugest goal right now is to lose 50lbs for health. I know I am attractive and I know GOd knows I want love and He will give it to me but sometimes my lonliness makes me forget how blessed I am. Thanks ladies for reminding me. Also I do need to get a clear grip on who I am so I will work on that too.
Click to expand...



Nope. Start slow. How about losing 10 pounds first and then once you achieve that, decide to lose 10 more.

The problem with setting such a high weight loss goal is when you don't see fast results (we all get impatient) you will fall off the wagon, binge eat and gain another 20 lbs.


I would also encourage you to listen to positive sermons and music to lift up your spirit and countenance.



Sometimes we want God to gives us a man but what will you be bringing into the relationship. I am not even talking financial aspect of it.
Are you the kind of woman he can turn to to be encouraged, comforted when he is going through a tough time at work or in his life?
Proverbs 31 should give you an idea of the kind of woman we should all aspire to be.


All the best!
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
I live in San Francisco and I'm a plus size girl so I know that automatically puts me on the back burner for dates but I never ever get asked out. I don't understand it. I am round but pretty and I dress nice I am always out. Not nightclub out but out. I don't understand why I never ever ever meet men, ever. It's starting to get depressing. I know that God may feel I'm not ready for a relationship and that's cool but I don't think it's normal to have absolutely no male attention when you want it. I feel like as soon as somebody winks at me I'll be all over them and make a bad relationship decision like I've done in the past due to lonliness. I don't understand why I am so so so single. Could it be my energy, my ora, sending off a bad vibe. Sometimes I see them looking but they never approach. My self-esteem is dwindling. Is there anything I can do? I know I have so many other things to focus on, like my 2 year old, my school, work, career aspirations but everyone needs cuddling and romance and I definitely do. I want to feel attractive to someone other than my baby daddy. Him and I are no longer but he makes it a point to tell me I look good, but I don't want the compliments from him. I've been with him only for the last 3 years and I'm ready to move on, to see what it's like to hang out with someone else. Any advice?
Click to expand...


I live in da city as well and it is not just you. I have friends who say the same thing.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
I live in San Francisco and I'm a plus size girl so I know that automatically puts me on the back burner for dates but I never ever get asked out. I don't understand it. I am round but pretty and I dress nice I am always out. Not nightclub out but out. I don't understand why I never ever ever meet men, ever. It's starting to get depressing. I know that God may feel I'm not ready for a relationship and that's cool but I don't think it's normal to have absolutely no male attention when you want it. I feel like as soon as somebody winks at me I'll be all over them and make a bad relationship decision like I've done in the past due to lonliness. I don't understand why I am so so so single. Could it be my energy, my ora, sending off a bad vibe. Sometimes I see them looking but they never approach. My self-esteem is dwindling. Is there anything I can do? I know I have so many other things to focus on, like my 2 year old, my school, work, career aspirations but everyone needs cuddling and romance and I definitely do. I want to feel attractive to someone other than my baby daddy. Him and I are no longer but he makes it a point to tell me I look good, but I don't want the compliments from him. I've been with him only for the last 3 years and I'm ready to move on, to see what it's like to hang out with someone else. Any advice?
Click to expand...


I met my finace 7 years ago at the gym. You just never know. I know a lot of beautiful educated women who have the same problem.
 
Well girl i live nyc and i get approched but by the wrong guys like no :nono: please remove yourself from my eyesight. Stage left......
But I know its not me and im plus sized. You should never comprise who you are for someone else that includes losing weight.
Im losing weight but not for a guy but for my health. And if your losing weight for that reason then that's good.
I don't care if you live in the gay capital of world, God will find that one straight good man out there for you even if 99% of san fran is gay trust me he is out there.
And it might seem like forever but only god knows what he has in store for you. You just have believe and walk around like you deserve it and you know its coming to you. People ask all the time why im not married. Okay would I rather be in a messed up relationship that is not good for my soul i would i rather wait for somebody that god has in store for me. I think I rather wait. Get to know yourself, be comfortable with you and who you are, take care of your kid and work on your goals and before you know it you will have a good man in front of you.
 
cinnespice said:
Well girl i live nyc and i get approched but by the wrong guys like no :nono: please remove yourself from my eyesight. Stage left......
But I know its not me and im plus sized. You should never comprise who you are for someone else that includes losing weight.
Im losing weight but not for a guy but for my health. And if your losing weight for that reason then that's good.
I don't care if you live in the gay capital of world, God will find that one straight good man out there for you even if 99% of san fran is gay trust me he is out there.
And it might seem like forever but only god knows what he has in store for you. You just have believe and walk around like you deserve it and you know its coming to you. People ask all the time why im not married. Okay would I rather be in a messed up relationship that is not good for my soul i would i rather wait for somebody that god has in store for me. I think I rather wait. Get to know yourself, be comfortable with you and who you are, take care of your kid and work on your goals and before you know it you will have a good man in front of you.
Click to expand...

ITA :YEP: :YEP:

I agree with the losing weight cuz u want to. Not cause u want a man. Doing it for that reason never worked for me!
 
OP,

Where did you find your child's father?? My point is that you do know how to attract a man! Also would someone provide the manual on "How to recognize the man that God sends." That way she won't waste her time on the others.
 
Forget about your weight in relation to dating - it's when we are NOT looking we will find a man, not any ol' man, but a man that's worthy of our time.

Love yourself first! That's the most important step. Do things that make you happy and the rest will follow. :yep:
 
NicBenny said:
Forget about your weight in relation to dating - it's when we are NOT looking we will find a man, not any ol' man, but a man that's worthy of our time.

Love yourself first! That's the most important step. Do things that make you happy and the rest will follow. :yep:
Click to expand...


I couldn't agree with you more.
 
Bunny77 said:
Not necessarily.

People end up in relationships all sorts of ways. Some weren't looking and some were.

There is no set formula to ending up in a good relationship.
Click to expand...

I agree. I just don't think you should be consumed with "looking" for that guy.
 
NicBenny said:
I agree. I just don't think you should be consumed with "looking" for that guy.
Click to expand...

I no longer believe that when you are not looking is when he will come. "Looking" doesn't consume me, but I see no problem with me or any other woman deciding she wants someone and she is going to look for him. This mindset works if the woman is honest in what she is looking for and not willing to accept any ole man simply because he is a man and available.

In the meantime OP can work on the goals she has set for herself. Whitney Young Jr. has a quote I love- 'It's better to be prepared and not have an opportunity, than have an opportunity and not be prepared'.
 
Lose the weight OP. Even with a pretty face and clothes, you gotta lose the weight.

I often see nicely dressed fat people with pretty faces....and it's kinda sad. If that's good enough for you...then okay. But meeting men will be much easier if you had a pretty face, nice clothes, AND a nice body.

I know a lot of people say that it doesn't matter if you're fat or not. But it DOES.

I don't have a lot of weight to lose, but i'm losing weight because I want to look and feel my best....and HEALTHY is the image that I want to portray....and a healthy image is VERY attractive.
 
Angelicus said:
Once you start believing that you are a wonderful, remarkable, woman of God with high self esteem, men will be all over you!

Uh... not to mention you're in the gay capital of the US... you know that already though.
Click to expand...


Actually ATLANTA is the new gay capital of the U.S. Unfortunately, I live here. :rolleyes:
 
*CherryPie* said:
Lose the weight OP. Even with a pretty face and clothes, you gotta lose the weight.

I often see nicely dressed fat people with pretty faces....and it's kinda sad. If that's good enough for you...then okay. But meeting men will be much easier if you had a pretty face, nice clothes, AND a nice body.

I know a lot of people say that it doesn't matter if you're fat or not. But it DOES.

I don't have a lot of weight to lose, but i'm losing weight because I want to look and feel my best....and HEALTHY is the image that I want to portray....and a healthy image is VERY attractive.
Click to expand...


Real talk..and completely correct.

We can keep dancing around this issue if we want, but being overweight is one (not the only) issue that puts us out of the game.

..and we all know that there are plenty of overweight women who beat men off with a stick, but they are in the minority. We can have a beautiful personality, spiritual, caring, financially stable, got it going on sistas, but the first thing that attracts a man is HOW WE LOOK.

We should all do what we can to position ourselves in the best way possible and staying on the slim side is one way to do it.
 
Last edited:
When you mentioned San Francisco, I also automatically thought about the weight. Everywhere is different. You may find that after losing the weight you have so much more energy and become excited about the new things you can do physically, the new clothes you can wear, etc, that you'll radiate more positive energy. Not that you're not positive now, but looking better can be a really big confidence boost.
 
luthiengirlie said:
I'm overweight but I'm losing weight.

I have to ask you something

Have you decided with God and yourself what kind of man you desire?

Actually lemme say this first

Have you defined who you are in yourself?

Do you see yourself as God sees you?
A beautifully wonderfully made woman?


Let me say this: If you do not define yourself, the men who don't care about you will be more than happy to do it for you

I've learned this the hard way and its destructive.


I honestly admit it disturbed me that you automatically assumed you would be put in the back burner

Is that really how you feel about yourself?
Because that can be what being projected about you.

You are NOT a back burner woman.
You're a child of the Most High and you deserve His best.

That may call for being single.

So you can prepare for His best.

I'm slowly leaning that I'd rather work on myself and grow and be a phenomnal woman of God that it takes a man knowing God and of high standards to date me because I have them for myself.

Maybe that is what God is desiring of you.

The Lord knows the desires of your heart. He knows u want love.

But maybe you should possibly consider putting God, your child and yourself first. The rest will fall into place.

Trust me a man NOTICES when a woman is about her business. And that's sexy!
Click to expand...
Right on time! Love this! Thank You!
 
I live in SF and I think the issue is bigger then weight (no pun intended).

First off there is basically no black middle class in SF....there are some folks in Oakland across the bay but even there our numbers are dwindling big time and it's a pretty small city to begin with.

The racial vibe in SF is not nearly as cool as everybody thinks. I've experienced some of the weirdest racial moments here in SF and it's even worse in some of the surrounding cities. Interracial dating is just not that great here versus other places I've lived.

I've also found that SF in general is not a couple friendly town. A lot of men come here because they think SF is an anything goes kind of town and so they aren't looking for relationships. And there are A LOT of men who are into "alternative women"...you know tattoos and piercings, wannabe artists, playing with bisexuality....I'm amazed at how many men I've met here who are into that profile.

It's always good to put your best face forward, but OP I also wouldn't put all the blame on yourself....dating is just hard in SF and even more challenging if you're black IMO.
 
men don't know how to approach anymore so they don't unless they are SURE they will be somewhat successful (meaning that you won't be short or rude to them) so maybe just walk with a faint smile.

I'm not going to say it's because of your weight because there's a man out there who likes every shape and size.

don't be too hard on yourself. it's them, too!
 
And, OP...to add to what most of the ladies were saying...there are some SEXY men in the gym! Oooh Man! That motivates me sometimes to hit the gym on those nights when I would really rather chill on the couch! I've noticed that a lot of the men we consider "fine" like a fit woman. Not SKINNY, or even necessarily small...but a woman who is as concerned about her health and well-being as her hair, nails, and clothes.

That being said...I'm just encouraging you to do what it takes to feel your best...and to be honest, working out does WONDERS for your health...even if your goal is not to be super-skinny, I think you will have more confidence. hth!
 
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