When you break one of "The Rules"...(Long)

[PopLife]

Ugh ...I could just kick myself right now.
I slipped up big time this weekend and broke on of the most important rules, "No nookie until a commitment has been established". I was doing good for the past three months following the rules to a T. He was doing all the calling, initiating all the dates, etc...but this weekend all that went down the drain along with my self-respect.

Just to give you a brief history of my situation (we'll just call him Jeff):
I have been friends with Jeff on and off for about 12 years. We met back in college thru a mutual friend who I mentioned to that I was interested in Jeff. Jeff and I hit it off from the first time we went out and have both mutually expressed our like for one another. In spite of this, our friendship has never evolved into anything other than a grey area friendship, meaning, "I like you more than a friend but not enough to make you my girlfriend".
Initially I put up with it, but as I got older I realized I was wasting my time and moved on with my life....eventually getting married.

Well fast forward to now (4yrs later) I am divorced and have been back in contact with Jeff. For the past three months we have been hanging out multiple times a week and he pretty much calls me everyday just to say hi or see what I have planned for the week. Being that I didn't follow the rules with him years ago I tried to this time around and must say that it was going pretty good. On some of our dates he has brought up us being in a relationship, but it is always laced with a joking undertone, so I brush it off jokingly. I realize that I am part of the issue by not addressing it either, but feel like if he seriously wanted to be in a relationship with me he would be more direct about it and not casually bring it up. [FONT=verdana, arial]When we are around each other, there is such a comfort level between us that I tend to let my guards down, which leads me into trouble.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana, arial]I just feel so ashamed/embarrassed right now that I haven't responded to any of his calls or texts msgs. I feel like I have messed up all chances of him stepping up to the plate and don't know what my next move should be, since I have already broken one of the most important ones. Help![/FONT]

 

[Dee-Licious]

sex early on is not always a deal-breaker

give him a chance to see what he has to say... at least he is calling and texting


maybe he wanted to make sure ya'll were sexually compatible before ya'll became in a serious, exclusive relationship

 

[Bunny77]

I say stop beating yourself up.

He is contacting you, so respond to his calls and text messages. Try your best not to sleep with him again... and if he asks why, be honest.

Also, you should ask yourself what YOU want from this. Do you want a relationship with him? If so, stop giving him girlfriend-level attention if he is not trying to become your boyfriend. Cut back on the hanging out, all the calling, talking, etc., and make it minimal if you are looking for a bigger commitment to him.

I think you said it best when you said you are part of the issue as well. Yes, he should be direct if he wants a relationship, but since he is not, then it's up to you to WALK... unless you like things the way they are.

Hope things work out!

 

[Xavier]

How has he changed after you two slept together?

 

[spelmanlocks]

Well he's still calling and messaging you, he probably is still interested in you. I think you should go ahead and have a conversation and find out where this is relationship is really going and let him know what you are looking for.

 

[ThickHair]

Only thing I can say, is don't go to his place and don't let him come to your place, less chance of ending up in bed. Now if you you like adventure and will do the do in the park then I don't know.

Also you are not his GF, so don't give it up. Don't wait for him to make the decision, you make the decision. Start seeing other folks in addition to him. So it is really important that you don't sleep with him anymore. You don't want him to think you will sleep with anyone who takes you out. Guys remember stuff like that. Well if she slept with me and we are not a couple, she must sleep with other people. Lord knows men do it all the time.

 

[PopLife]

I say stop beating yourself up.

He is contacting you, so respond to his calls and text messages. Try your best not to sleep with him again... and if he asks why, be honest.

Also, you should ask yourself what YOU want from this. Do you want a relationship with him? If so, stop giving him girlfriend-level attention if he is not trying to become your boyfriend. Cut back on the hanging out, all the calling, talking, etc., and make it minimal if you are looking for a bigger commitment to him.

I think you said it best when you said you are part of the issue as well. Yes, he should be direct if he wants a relationship, but since he is not, then it's up to you to WALK... unless you like things the way they are.

Hope things work out!

Thanks, I have already decided that I am going to cut back on responding to his calls and hanging out with him as much. I guess I'm just not sure what my next move should be. I don't want to give him the impression that I don't like him by avoiding him, while at the same time I don't want him to think that this type of relationship is cool either...

 

[PopLife]

How has he changed after you two slept together?

I haven't really had a conversation with him since Sunday. He called me that night and I rushed him off the phone. Yesterday he texted me during the day and this morning he called me(no vm) and sent a text saying good morning, but I haven't responded. I know I'm trippin...I just feel so bad.

 

[JustKiya]

Don't feel so guilty over sex. Good lord, breaking one of the 'Rules' isn't the endall, beall of a potential relationship. So, you had sex. Was it good? Did ya'll enjoy it? Then good.

Talk to him, tell him that while you enjoyed the experience, you don't make it a habit with men that you are not exclusively involved with, and then continue progressing as you were before. Talk to the man, instead of trying to make him jump through hoops you haven't even defined.

If he's really interested, now that he knows how you feel about sex - and the interest that you have in him, period - he'll either step up and make that move, or he'll express his true level of interest and proceed to moving on.

Sounds like a win-win, to me.

 

[PopLife]

Don't feel so guilty over sex. Good lord, breaking one of the 'Rules' isn't the endall, beall of a potential relationship. So, you had sex. Was it good? Did ya'll enjoy it? Then good.

Talk to him, tell him that while you enjoyed the experience, you don't make it a habit with men that you are not exclusively involved with, and then continue progressing as you were before. Talk to the man, instead of trying to make him jump through hoops you haven't even defined.

If he's really interested, now that he knows how you feel about sex - and the interest that you have in him, period - he'll either step up and make that move, or he'll express his true level of interest and proceed to moving on.

Sounds like a win-win, to me.

Your post made me laugh..thanks
I know I'm over analyzing, I just get so caught up in following "The Rules"...that sometimes I loose common sense.
And for the record it was good... :wink2:

 

[spritex]

Everyone makes mistakes. What is important is we try and learn from them and try not to repeat them. Relationships can be tricky at the best of times, if you have been able to handle it and mainntain most of your rules you're doing good. Sounds like he is still interested, give him a chance. You need to look forward now, whats done is done.

 

[CurliDiva]

Ok...I think its too late to play the "I'm not calling him back" card - the man has seen you nude!

Think of it from his point of view:
(1) we had sex + (2) now she will not talk to me = 3. I'm a bad lover!

Have a serious (straight forward) conversation with him about your relationship.

It seems like you are still waiting for WORDS from him when men are usually better with ACTIONS (him calling, dates, and sex)!

 

[spritex]

Good points ^^^. It is important to see it from his perspective too.

 

[PopLife]

Ok...I think its too late to play the "I'm not calling him back" card - the man has seen you nude!

Think of it from his point of view:
(1) we had sex + (2) now she will not talk to me = 3. I'm a bad lover!

Have a serious (straight forward) conversation with him about your relationship.

It seems like you are still waiting for WORDS from him when men are usually better with ACTIONS (him calling, dates, and sex)!

I see what you're saying, but wouldn't initiating this type of conversation go against the man being the "pursuer"? I know I'm making it more complicated, but I have never been in ties type of situation with a man. Maybe I should take it as a hint...

 

[Zaynab]

How old are you? How old is Jeff?

I wouldn't worry about it. If he's still the same prior to the sex, chances are nothing has changed, he's probably just still hype from getting it after all these years I wouldn't ignore him now

This is the time though to put it out on the table. If you've know him all these years and you're now in a place where you want a relationship with him, talk about it. Talk about what has stopped you all from getting there and if that's what both of ya'll want. If these past months, you've still been "friends"---Don't think the sex automatically put you in a relationship Get it defined NOW and if it's NOT what you want then don't settle, because next year you will still be sexing and not in a relationship although he may have told you and you didn't 'listen'. If things are affirmative and you want to move forward, then great!

Disclaimer: I am a rules girl but that's b/c I was born one. I'm not gonna like, I'm mean as hell I read the "Why men love B's book" and after a few pages I was like umm yeah, so, that's it. The sex part though, I have my own thoughts about that.

IME, There is no rhyme or reason to this sex stuff and men. I still don't believe they care when you do it. I've had honest convos with men about this. I just think that's a woman's rule and when men have to hear us say "isn't it true that a woman is slut if she screws so and so on the 3rd date " What is a man susposed to say?

I've dated a guy and not had sex with him for 8 months, and it still didn't work out. I met my dh and had sex with him in ahhemm... "three dates" So I think sex in a relationship is totally based on that person. Of course don't go out an *** Lil John and think he's gonna be your main boo use some sense and discretion

 

[Zaynab]

I see what you're saying, but wouldn't initiating this type of conversation go against the man being the "pursuer"? I know I'm making it more complicated, but I have never been in ties type of situation with a man. Maybe I should take it as a hint...

But if you don't, then you're going to keep having sex and you may fall into a trap of thinking you're in a relationship when you're not. This is how folkx end up "hanging out" with a guy for 2 years; it's sex and frienship with no defined relationship. It always ends with confusion on someone's part, usually ours b/c we kept having sex without really knowing where things are going.

 

[Denise11]

Your next move is to answer the man's texts and calls. Following the rules does not assure you a good relationship or marriage. Sometimes people get married and have great relationships without following the rules. You are a grown woman. You make your own rules when it comes to your dating style.

 

[PopLife]

How old are you? How old is Jeff?

I wouldn't worry about it. If he's still the same prior to the sex, chances are nothing has changed, he's probably just still hype from getting it after all these years I wouldn't ignore him now

This is the time though to put it out on the table. If you've know him all these years and you're now in a place where you want a relationship with him, talk about it. Talk about what has stopped you all from getting there and if that's what both of ya'll want. If these past months, you've still been "friends"---Don't think the sex automatically put you in a relationship Get it defined NOW and if it's NOT what you want then don't settle, because next year you will still be sexing and not in a relationship although he may have told you and you didn't 'listen'. If things are affirmative and you want to move forward, then great!

Disclaimer: I am a rules girl but that's b/c I was born one. I'm not gonna like, I'm mean as hell I read the "Why men love B's book" and after a few pages I was like umm yeah, so, that's it. The sex part though, I have my own thoughts about that.

IME, There is no rhyme or reason to this sex stuff and men. I still don't believe they care when you do it. I've had honest convos with men about this. I just think that's a woman's rule and when men have to hear us say "isn't it true that a woman is slut if she screws so and so on the 3rd date " What is a man susposed to say?

I've dated a guy and not had sex with him for 8 months, and it still didn't work out. I met my dh and had sex with him in ahhemm... "three dates" So I think sex in a relationship is totally based on that person. Of course don't go out an *** Lil John and think he's gonna be your main boo use some sense and discretion

We are both in our early thirties. I know this sounds so juvenile for our age, but I have never been in a situation like this with a man before. I have never had to guess whether a man liked me or not on that level, but with Jeff it's always an uncertainty there...
Like for instance we hung out with his family this past 4th of July and I heard him refer to me has his girl twice that day to other people. He wasn't speaking directly to me so I didn't bring it up but I just don't understand his logic sometimes. Then this past weekend he mentioned how he wants to get married/have children and ask me if I would ever get remarried. I mean most men I know don't bring topics like that up with women they aren't interested in...I'm confused...

 

[JustKiya]

We are both in our thirties. I know this sounds so juvenile for our age, but I have never been in a situation like this with a man before. I have never had to guess whether a man liked me or not on that level, but with Jeff it's always an uncertainty there...
Like for instance we hung out with his family this past 4th of July and I heard him refer to me has his girl twice that day to other people. He wasn't speaking directly to me so I didn't bring it up but I just don't understand his logic sometimes. Then this past weekend he mentioned how he wants to get married/have children and ask me if I would ever get remarried. I mean most men I know don't bring topics like that up with women they aren't interested in...I'm confused...

I see what you're saying, but wouldn't initiating this type of conversation go against the man being the "pursuer"? I know I'm making it more complicated, but I have never been in ties type of situation with a man. Maybe I should take it as a hint...

Instead of seeing it as 'pursuing', look at it as 'clarifying'. You aren't trying to push him to make a choice, one way or the other, you are trying to understand what he considers this to be - right here, right now. And if he can't - or is unwilling - to put a definition on your relationship - there's your answer, right there.
Sometimes - esp. when we've known people for a while, and we seem to vibe with people, we start to unconsiously believe/assume that they are on the same page that we are, and understand what we are thinking/feeling without having to actually express it.

Down that path lies danger.

You should - you must - be able to have conversations like that - not putting words in his mouth, but asking him to honestly and clearly express what is in his head and on his heart. And if ain't nothing there but fond mammaries of what came before ( ) - that's fair - at least you know, ya know?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Your self respect is tied to the act of fornicating because you are giving it too much power in your mind.

It's just sex. I respect that you want to keep sex within a commitment, but this is a slip up that, now that you've experienced it, won't happen again.

The only "solid" commitment is marriage... even an exclusive relationship can be breached without too many consequences... and even marriage gets breached and disrespected.

Thus said, it appears you are really into this guy, and he's definitely still into you. Calling you, etc. If he calls and asks where you've been, I'd fess up and tell him that you feel you've compromised your situation and want to know before anything else happens, where he stands on the relationship you have. If he doesn't want a relationship, keep him at bay. If he does, move forward.

 

[PopLife]

Your next move is to answer the man's texts and calls. Following the rules does not assure you a good relationship or marriage. Sometimes people get married and have great relationships without following the rules. You are a grown woman. You make your own rules when it comes to your dating style.

As much as I'm trying to avoid returning his call, I know this is what I'm going to have to do. I can't comtinue to play these mind games anymore...takes all the fun out of dating.

 

[Bunny77]

As much as I'm trying to avoid returning his call, I know this is what I'm going to have to do. I can't comtinue to play these mind games anymore...takes all the fun out of dating.

Go call the man already!

It'll be alright!

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

i say call him... i hate rules...
no real human holds on to "rules"
i hate men with rules...
but really they hate themselves and will live a lonely life void of any type of human interaction or connection

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

[FONT=verdana, arial]I just feel so ashamed/embarrassed right now that I haven't responded to any of his calls or texts msgs. I feel like I have messed up all chances of him stepping up to the plate and don't know what my next move should be, since I have already broken one of the most important ones. Help![/FONT]

I think he's like a lot of guys, they try to get you comfortable enough to have sex without giving you a commitment. I'd say leave him alone. If he truly wants a relationship with you, he'll pursue you in the right way you desire (no sex and truth).

 

[Frostipuff]

It was date three for me and I married him. We've been married 20 years and
still love one another.

I'd suggest stop beating yourself up, ask yourself if you two are a good match
sexually, and tell him you did not plan to be intimate so soon.

Fess up and enjoy the budding relationship.

 

[Jade Feria]

I actually think you're doing good! I follow The Rules as well, but I mix them up with Why Men Marry B****s philosophy. WMMB says that a wolman who behaves more cooly and casually after sex is the exact opposite of what he is used to experiencing. So ignoring his calls for that period probably worked in your favor.