When the next woman is able to make him commit...

Kinkyhairlady

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
Compromise, change etc? This is kind of a spinoff from the Eric Benet baby thread. We all know he did Halle wrong but now he seems so blessed and happy with an equally beautiful woman and growing family. Yes some say Halle was the issue but do we as woman think this when our relationships fail? I've had my share of failed relationships and those men went on to marry other woman but I always try to justify why it did not work. Lately I have been wondering if it's me though. So my question is can a man really change for the better for a woman he loves? Like a past cheater, liar whatever do you ladies believe the one he finally decides to settle down with gave him a change of heart? I always think if he was an arse to me then he will do the next woman wrong but I guess some can prove me wrong.
 
Good question. Timing is everything. He may not be ready when your ready or you/he may not be "it." But I know the story you mention all too well. I'm afraid to know my reaction should that happen to my latest ex.

"Does Wayne Brady have to choke a B.?" < that might be me.
 
I don't think Halle is the best example of what you're talking about because she seems to have serious issues, but to me it's more about where a man is in his life then the women he's dating. If he is ready to commit he will find a woman to marry whether she's the best, most perfect woman he's ever dated or not. Which is one reason I can't take all of the "what a woman needs to do to get a man "advice too seriously. When a man's ready he will find somebody to marry.
 
Maybe you (general you) just weren't the one for him and he wasn't the one for you. It's as simple as that.

Don't worry about what's going on in your exes lives. Don't live your life wondering about past relationships.
 
I believe relationships are about meeting not just the right person but at the right time. Sometimes it is not that your ex became a better person because of his new SO. It may just be that his new SO met him at the right time, when he had stopped acting a fool had really changed. It does not mean that you were a failure or failed to make him change. People change when they are good and ready and you cannot waste your time waiting for that. It may never happen. Sometimes people learn from mistakes they made with you.

Second, sometimes two people just don't mesh. If you are not very invested in a relationship you may act out because you don't respect or cherish the match. Sometimes you know when you've met a good match because the person makes you want to be a better person and the feeling is mutual. If you were unable to bring this out in each other it may mean you just were not a good match. It does not mean you were a failure.

Third, the person may not be better. Maybe his new girl is just more willing to put up with B.S. Than you are. If you deserve more and know it you will demand more and a man who does not want to give you more will be angry and feel nagged and unhappy. If you put up with his B.S. he will be a happy camper. So just because he moved on and is happy does not mean you would have been happy in that relationship.

All in all it is good to do reflection as to your role in a failed relationship but don't use his new relationship to judge yourself. Only the people in a relationship know the real deal. How many times do you see seemingly happy marriages fall apart? You may be beating yourself up over what may not even be a representation of their actual relationship.
 
i dated a man 3 years and he married a woman that he only knew for one year. they are still married and have been so for about 12 years. but she has had to deal with things that i could not.

he did not work for 6 years because he wanted to pursue a career as a producer. they have moved back in with his parents and at this point plan on staying there. he is a great father and husband but neither of those situations would work for me.

he is exactly where he needs to be and who he needs to be with.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Compromise, change etc? This is kind of a spinoff from the Eric Benet baby thread. We all know he did Halle wrong but now he seems so blessed and happy with an equally beautiful woman and growing family. Yes some say Halle was the issue but do we as woman think this when our relationships fail? I've had my share of failed relationships and those men went on to marry other woman but I always try to justify why it did not work. Lately I have been wondering if it's me though. So my question is can a man really change for the better for a woman he loves? Like a past cheater, liar whatever do you ladies believe the one he finally decides to settle down with gave him a change of heart? I always think if he was an arse to me then he will do the next woman wrong but I guess some can prove me wrong.
Click to expand...

I used to think that men have changed when I see them with another seemingly happy. I'm not convinced they really change but get better at hiding how they are. In addition many women just want a man and cater versus making them better. My ex from 25 years ago never changed and is marrying wife #5. He likes to be abusive and gives no sign of this abuse until its seen first hand. My oldest daughter went on vacation with him as an adult with his new fiancée. He had hit the love of his life with a wine bottle and yep a few days later she took him back. Awww .. In my opinion I would say.. Nope they just seek out someone who puts up with their actions. Or someone who puts their foot down and inspires them to not go there.
 
Some women can put up with more crap than you could. It is helpful to see your wrongs in the relationship. Don't base it on their new woman. One of my ex was emotional abusive. I couldn't handle it. Now he is married with 8 kids. Her temperament is better able to handle his controlling nature.
 
Country gal said:
Some women can put up with more crap than you could. It is helpful to see your wrongs in the relationship. Don't base it on their new woman. One of my ex was emotional abusive. I couldn't handle it. Now he is married with 8 kids. Her temperament is better able to handle his controlling nature.
Click to expand...

Yep! The man doesn't change. Its how other women deal and handle things.
 
ambergirl said:
I don't think Halle is the best example of what you're talking about because she seems to have serious issues, but to me it's more about where a man is in his life then the women he's dating. If he is ready to commit he will find a woman to marry whether she's the best, most perfect woman he's ever dated or not. Which is one reason I can't take all of the "what a woman needs to do to get a man "advice too seriously. When a man's ready he will find somebody to marry.
Click to expand...

My mom was a great wife and my dad needed to grow up to appreciate that. My parents were married for over 30 years. Now he is remarried and his new wife is a good person too. My dad is older and wiser.

Also, some men like to feel needed in a relationship. If he feels he can be easily replaced, or his presence doesn't matter, it may not work out with one woman, but will do with the next.
 
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There is no one answer.

Could dude have matured and wised up? sure
Could new girl be a dummy pushover and put up w/ his bullcrap? sure
Could he have just not been that into you? sure
Could the vibes just have been "off" between you? sure.
Could new girl just be more awesome to him than you were? sure

Either way....it doesn't matter one bit.

My ex had kids with and eventually married the girl he dated after me. And I married the man I dated after him. We had fun together but we weren't the right fit.
 
Farida said:
I believe relationships are about meeting not just the right person but at the right time. Sometimes it is not that your ex became a better person because of his new SO. It may just be that his new SO met him at the right time, when he had stopped acting a fool had really changed. It does not mean that you were a failure or failed to make him change. People change when they are good and ready and you cannot waste your time waiting for that. It may never happen. Sometimes people learn from mistakes they made with you. Second, sometimes two people just don't mesh. If you are not very invested in a relationship you may act out because you don't respect or cherish the match. Sometimes you know when you've met a good match because the person makes you want to be a better person and the feeling is mutual. If you were unable to bring this out in each other it may mean you just were not a good match. It does not mean you were a failure. Third, the person may not be better. Maybe his new girl is just more willing to put up with B.S. Than you are. If you deserve more and know it you will demand more and a man who does not want to give you more will be angry and feel nagged and unhappy. If you put up with his B.S. he will be a happy camper. So just because he moved on and is happy does not mean you would have been happy in that relationship. All in all it is good to do reflection as to your role in a failed relationship but don't use his new relationship to judge yourself. Only the people in a relationship know the real deal. How many times do you see seemingly happy marriages fall apart? You may be beating yourself up over what may not even be a representation of their actual relationship.
Click to expand...

I want to say thank you for what you wrote. It makes perfect sense and just what I needed to read this morning! Farida
 
shortdub78 said:
Yep! The man doesn't change. Its how other women deal and handle things.
Click to expand...

I'm still friends with the majority of my exes, and I found this to be true. They core of the man never changed and I could never put up with their crap for the long haul. But hey, that just means we weren't a good fit.
 
Sometimes a guy just needs for a relationship to end... and then go back to single life only to find it's not all it's cracked up to be. This can him realize that he wants really wants to be in a stable relationship. This realization alone can help a guy try his best to make sure his next relationship is better than the last.


And sometimes.... the guy doesn't change at all. He just finds a woman who's desperate enough to put up with his bs. Everything that looks perfect from the outside isn't always rosey.
 
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I always think the opposite of the next woman my ex is with. I think they are the types who are willing to put up with what I didn't. I've had exes who are in supposedly "good" relationships but for some reason they're trying to contact me. I see cute couples in the grocery store and as soon as the women goes down another aisle her man is checking me out.

I honestly think that when men are ready to commit, then they're ready to commit no matter which woman they're with. Sometimes it's about timing. That doesn't mean hang in there for a ridiculous amount of years until that timing is right for him. It doesn't always work that way.

As for Halle. I think she just has zero tolerance for BS. But who knows the truth really.
 
There are just some women who don't want to be without a man no matter the cost. These women will always pick up your leftovers and think they've somehow won.

I have very high standards and a definite zero tolerance for nonsense. I don't do exes as friends, his or mine. We have very high boundaries in our marriage. Those who don't can sometimes find themselves dealing with all sorts of bs.

Eric strikes me as a type who will always make a woman have some level of regret if she doesn't have high standards for herself. Halle hasn't had the best standards when it came to men, seems like maybe she goes off looks and expects the quality to follow.

As you your situation, while I do think people can change I think men will always try a woman to see how far she will let him go. If you prove, not just with words but he knows without a doubt his nonsense will not be tolerated, men only then will either change or move on. Well if not change then restrict that activity...I don't think people ever really change but they can refrain from certain bad traits.
 
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ITA. A lot of women ignore the most obvious signs that a man is not ready to commit especially to them, happened with DH and I and he went on to marry someone else. It didn't work out and we eventually got together.

I think men are intrinsically selfish. Their decisions on who/when to marry is not based on love a lot of the time just where they are in that point of their lives, and who they think will best fit in. Ergo a lot of times I have :perplexed when some guy friends get married. Their wives tend not to be their "type"but their mistresses are.

I get overhyped when a male family member/friend is obviously marrying for love and compatibility not just convenience (no matter what rubbish they spout to their wives).

A female friend told me every single man she's ever been with is married. BUT I reminded her a lot of them seem miserable. I think it's better to be married to your friend than miserable with a half *** dude undecided and confused about what he wants from marriage.
 
Your SO is pretty much always someone else's ex. So, if we're sitting contemplating why our exes are committing to other women and coming up with a bunch of negative reasons, could we not expect too that our SO's exes are making assumptions about the kind of women we are for wanting to pick up their "leftovers?"

It's just better not to go down that road at all. I've gone there before and realized I was only adding a lot of unnecessary angst in my life. Not worth it.
 
Same reason why you didn't commit to every boyfriend you ever had...not the right person or the right time or any other possible reason...
 
shortdub78 said:
My mom was a great wife and my dad needed to grow up to appreciate that. My parents were married for over 30 years. Now he is remarried and his new wife is a good person too. My dad is older and wiser. Also, some men like to feel needed in a relationship. If he feels he can be easily replaced, or his presence doesn't matter, it may not work out with one woman, but will do with the next.
Click to expand...

Very true. But I've seen men settle for less then what they had in the past because they were "ready". Just depends on the man.
 
If Eric Benetton changed, I think he changed for himself. Not because he found someone more worthy of better treatment. He could have realised that if he continued with his antics he would not be able to sustain any future relationships. Did he not get some kind off help.

With that being said, we don't know what goes on in his current relationship.

In addition, I do think some people can bring out the worst in others. I have been with guys who have told me that they have never had the urge to hit a woman until they met me. After hearing it for a third time I realised I had a problem and got it fixed.
 
My ex recently got engaged and I felt some kind of way when I first heard about it. I think he thought it was easier to move on and start fresh because it was too much work to repair the damage he did in our relationship.

He started with her before we ended our relationship but has cheated on her as well so in his case no, he hasn't changed at all.
 
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