What would your response be to a white person who says you should get a perm

[Reinventing21]

I haven't talked to the friend yet, but this really got to me. Yesterday I covered my hair. Today, I did untwisted and teased. I wonder if that's what all the white people in my class are thinking!!!!!

No! NO! NO! Don't let insecurity set in. That is exactly what she would like to see happen. I am 1000 1/2% sure that 1) the comment was deliberate--she knew exactly what she was saying & how it was coming across & more importantly 2) her comments are laced with and dripping with jealousy.

You must be the 'stuff' to have this girl so worried that she tries to pick on known sensitive topics. Maybe she has seen guys checking YOU out when she thought they should have been checking her out. Some girls are highly competitive & some of these type in particular think they should always be the most desirable.

I wouldn't tell her I was hurt at all. I wouldn't show any anger AT ALL, but the next time it happened I would def. put her in her place by asking her why is she so insecure that she feels so compelled to make such rude, jealous comments.

This is the time you have to hold your head up even higher---put a giant flower in your hair, whatever & do you to the max. That is best revenge & the best way to make your point. Believe me, you already have it going on so much so that she is scared/jealous as heck. DON'T let her bring her down. Remember that the next time she opens her jealous mouth.

 

[mamauv2]

I would say, "I was thinking about you the other day, I had just given my dog a bath and you know how they shake the water off..." Girl please, your hair is fab, don't let some closet racist make you question your beauty. I bet her "dad's best friend was black!"

 

[Nonie]

because the people with perm have hair that look better than your natural hair? A friend made this comment to me yesterday, and it's been bugging me. I want to discuss it, but I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. This friend also said that she thought black women were supposed to wear weave, so totally clueless.

I wouldn't even take offense to that. I would tell her she's entitled to her opinion and that the hair we're talking about is mine and I do what makes ME feel good. I would tell her my experience with perms and why I no longer use them (I assume you have your reasons). But I'd go into all that because she's your friend and you care to give her the 411. Now if she's not your friend, I'd just leave it at "You think so? Weird! Nah, been there, done that. So I'ma pass. But thanks for the suggestion. I'm sure you're only trying to help." And then I'd pat my fro while admiring my reflection in the closest reflecting surface around.

You see, I never do anything as far as my appearance is concerned to fit into anyone's idea of what's cute. I dance to the beat of my own drum and do what makes Nonie happy regardless of what is in fashion or what others think is cool. This is another reason I never shop with people because IMO, no one has better taste in ANYTHING but myself. You think I'm joking? I'm so serious that's why you'll never see me asking Tim Gunn for help. Seriously, shopping with people is just an invitation to headaches; their input is usually a distraction to my focus on what is really cool IMO. I'm sorry if that came out all haughty but really, you have to look deep inside and find what you like and stop worrying about whether others will like it too.

So white or black, usually when people offer me their advice on what I need to change about my appearance, it goes in one ear and out the other, coz I've covered all bases, thank you very much--even if it is all just in my own deluded mind. I do what makes ME happy, and doing ME, all me, certainly makes me trés happy.

 

[Fabulous1]

Just had this conversation with my mom because someone said the same to me. What I told them was that society has them thinking that my hair is supposed to look like yours because thats all you see on music videos and on TV is black women reppin some long slinky weave. But we have very different roots and my hair is SUPPOSED to be thick and curly. Pissed me off too girl!!

 

[Nonie]

I haven't talked to the friend yet, but this really got to me. Yesterday I covered my hair. Today, I did untwisted and teased. I wonder if that's what all the white people in my class are thinking!!!!!

WTH do you care what THEY think? Are you happy with your hair? If not, why aren't you happy? Take them out of the equation and think about why you have your hair the way you do. Now how do you feel when you style it...like that puff that I was drooling over at one time? Don't you feel hawt? Then take that feeling and get drunk with it. Let it fill you up till you're deaf to the rambling of others.

MissJ, there'll always be someone who'll think you're too dark. Someone who'll think you're too short. Someone who'll think you're too skinny. Someone who'll think you're a snob. Are you going to change every aspect to please everyone? C'mon now. People will talk. But who knows you best? YOU. So whatever criticism you get dealt to you is not necessarily a fact. It's what someone else thinks and often times, it's an opinion out of ignorance. So you just need to take criticism as you take the news...and judge for yourself if there's any truth to it or not. (Is this girl a scientist or expert on subjects of that realm that you'd be so taken by whatever she says enough to give it a minute's thought? Seriously?) And if you let other people make you become what they want you to be, how will you ever know who the real MissJ is? It can be scary to look back at your life and find you have no opinion on anything, no unique taste in anything, no passion that isn't an imitation of someone else. You can't let yourself be other people's puppet. You have to become an eagle and soar on your own if you're to reach heights others only dream of. Otherwise, you'll be stuck on the ground trying to keep up with turkeys. Think about anyone who's ever been great. They didn't get that way wondering what others would think of them. They had a dream and a belief in themselves (NOT OTHERS) and did THEIR thang.

Trust me, if your friend could rock a 'fro? She'd rock one. Maybe not every day, but she'd want to be able to wow people the way you do every once in a while. She's just mad you stand out and look different from others. I think some might call you exotic... Heck if I were a commoner too, I'd probably try to dissuade you from being a star. I mean, who da heck do you think you are?

 

[chsingdrms]

Hey MissJ, I just joined yesterday and planned on lurking for a few months, but your post drew me out. I can understand completly how you feel about what the "other people" in your class might be thinking the same think that this subhuman has expreesed to you. I wouldn't let her or anybody else determine my grace, my style, and my beauty. Yes, she would prefer that you wear your hair straight, that way she can feel assuredd that most if not all black women want to be like her. These "people" have nothing better to do then to seeth in jealousy. Shine em on and where your natural as high and as wide as you can, and then make sure you're sitting in front of her in class so you can remind her of your glory as a black women!

 

[Southernbella.]

Hey MissJ, I just joined yesterday and planned on lurking for a few months, but your post drew me out. I can understand completly how you feel about what the "other people" in your class might be thinking the same think that this subhuman has expreesed to you. I wouldn't let her or anybody else determine my grace, my style, and my beauty. Yes, she would prefer that you wear your hair straight, that way she can feel assuredd that most if not all black women want to be like her. These "people" have nothing better to do then to seeth in jealousy. Shine em on and where your natural as high and as wide as you can, and then make sure you're sitting in front of her in class so you can remind her of your glory as a black women!

This is a great point. True racists...the ones who believe in white supremacy...really do believe this. I've been privy to some of their conversations, and it validates their hatred that minorities the world over do things to emulate their beauty standards. It's probably burning her up inside that you don't think straight hair is better.

 

[Tarae]

I haven't talked to the friend yet, but this really got to me. Yesterday I covered my hair. Today, I did untwisted and teased. I wonder if that's what all the white people in my class are thinking!!!!!

I know you're not serious. You better wear your hair the way you want and not worry about WTF they think.

I think you need to read the responses in here again and tell your friend how her comments made you feel. Let her know that's not acceptable and stop covering your hair. Black or white, nobody's (unsolicited) comments should stop you from wearing your hair how you want.

 

[chokolate miss]

I haven't talked to the friend yet, but this really got to me. Yesterday I covered my hair. Today, I did untwisted and teased. I wonder if that's what all the white people in my class are thinking!!!!!

they probably love your hair. my classmates in my program get so mad at me when i cover my hair. im like uh i was tired this morning, lol. they are the ones who make me feel good about wearing it out. i get compliments all of the time. they are yt by the way. your "friend" has some underlying issues.

 

[twnz&1mo]

I bet you she's really young. No disrespect to the young ladies here on the site.

 

[mahogany_horizons]

What would my response be? Depends on the time of the month, but I assure you, she would not want to be my friend anymore.

hahhahahha amen girlie I have a ton of white friends that are like sisters to me. But you have to school them and set them some iron clad boundaries..........DEFEND YOUR BLACKNESS....if they are still cool with ya after that, and still wanna roll and shop for shoes, then I know we are thick, and there is no issue even if they are clueless sometimes...otherwise they gotta bounce LOL.

 

[tbaby_8]

I agree with Nonie and Lauren and all the other ladies on here. If you choose, then educate her. But from what you are saying, it doesn't sound like she wants to be educated. I live in the south and these types of comments are made all the time on the slick. You can correct her two ways:

1. You can either be Bonequisha and cuss her out. or

2. You can tell her off professionally without cussing her out, which means belittling her and making her feel stupid.

Either way, the comments need to be address or she will feel like she got away with it and she can continue to make these types of comments to you. It is up to you to make the decision. You have some great come back lines on here, so use them.

 

[Tzarina]

I dont want too thank you very much.

 

[mahogany_horizons]

Yeah, but she's always prefacing things with statements like, "I hope this doesn't sound racist" or "You might think I'm racist if I say this..." This is the only thing that has approached the level of sounding racist.

If she must say things like this, to me it makes me feel that she already knows her comments are erring on the side of improrpriety (I'm a bad speller).

 

[tbaby_8]

Exactly Mahogany Horizons. I couldn't agree with you more.

 

[mahogany_horizons]

Why is everyone getting upset? MANY black people think that way about our hair too, LOL. It would be worse, imo, if it was coming from a black person.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAY. Black people make igorant comments about hair. My family made one that I will post later in the day if I have time/feel like it, otherwise it will wait till next week.

BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS, those are OURRR PEOPLE......it's not OK, but it is BETTER coming from our people, black blood, and I don't care if it's all mixed up, I don't care if she's 1/32nd black, and is as white looking as Pebbles from Mercedes boy......I would WAAAYYY RATHER HEAR THAT FROM SOMEONE WHO CALLS THEMSELVES BLACK, and whose drivers license says black than a white woman, hands down.

I am not predjudiced.

I had a "white girlfriend" in my wedding party. We have been thick since grade school.

She occasionally oiled my hair at night and combed it BEFORE I WRAPPED OR ROLLED IT, and I'd braid hers before bed.

BUT I DON'T WANT NOOOOOOO WHITE PERSON COMING AT ME WITH THAT MESS PERIOD.

And I'd tell my white girlfriend that, just uncensored like that LOL.

word is born!

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

@ skank!

I would probably try and throw a low blow though if a white person said anything like that to me...

LOL , let one of my white friends like Kelly or one of them or ANYONE come at me like that.

 

[mahogany_horizons]

Some people think its cute to get all their info about a race from a couple of people, but I dont. Go learn somewhere else at this point in life.

as one of the only black people growing up in a suburban neighborhood, god bless you for saying that. WE ARE NOT ZOO CREATURES. I KNEW I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE. Satisfy your curiosity elsewhere.

MARRY A BLACK MAN AND HAVE SOME HALF BLACK BABIES SO YOU CAN REALLY LEARN THE INS AND OUTS..

don't ask me every question under the sun about being black and or look to me as an authority on black social issues.

GO EMAIL farkahan, or obama, or condi, or someone.

You wanna know about hair care..

Email lustra silk, or dark n lovely or something LOL..

 

[sowhut]

^^^ @ mahogany _horizons...I'm with you on that. Its wack if black folks say ignorant things like this but for some reason, it peeves me MUCH more for a white person to make these kind of comments (especially if they try to say it all cute-sy or in a round about way).
I dont know why nor do i care why but I am much less tolerant of whites making these comments.

 

[mahogany_horizons]

I would never say anything like "I thought you all get lice all the time".....

YOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT MESS WAS CLASSIC. IT GOT ME LAUGHING ALOUD AT MY desk, SHAME ON ME....but seriously dude....perfect response for an ignorant creature like that!!

 

[mahogany_horizons]

She got too comfortable. If she's your girlfriend, put her in her place and keep it moving. Women do say catty stuff to each other all of the time and that's what this sounds like to me. She's no different than the black chick that would say the exact same thing.

Anyone who gets to comfortable, and doesn't know how to preface their comments to me with respect, black, white, blue, male or female, WILL NOT be a friend of mine long.

I demand respect from everyone even my husband/parents.

If I don't get it, Imma let you know about it so you can come at it again.

And I especially would not take that stuff off of a white woman. If I do, then she will feel comfortable enough to say that to another black woman.

If I am really her friend, I want the ignorance to end with me, otherwise, the next black person may punch her in the jaw, or say something like the lice comment that would really hurt her poor lil feelings.

 

[discodumpling]

I'm always surprised when people ALLOW such blatant negativity in their lives. You can choose to educate her but her ignorance is astounding...hopefully you are armed with loads of time & patience.

Namaste

 

[jennboo]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAY. Black people make igorant comments about hair. My family made one that I will post later in the day if I have time/feel like it, otherwise it will wait till next week.

BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS, those are OURRR PEOPLE......it's not OK, but it is BETTER coming from our people, black blood, and I don't care if it's all mixed up, I don't care if she's 1/32nd black, and is as white looking as Pebbles from Mercedes boy......I would WAAAYYY RATHER HEAR THAT FROM SOMEONE WHO CALLS THEMSELVES BLACK, and whose drivers license says black than a white woman, hands down.

I am not predjudiced.

I had a "white girlfriend" in my wedding party. We have been thick since grade school.

She occasionally oiled my hair at night and combed it BEFORE I WRAPPED OR ROLLED IT, and I'd braid hers before bed.

BUT I DON'T WANT NOOOOOOO WHITE PERSON COMING AT ME WITH THAT MESS PERIOD.

And I'd tell my white girlfriend that, just uncensored like that LOL.

word is born!

This is very nonsensical to me. IMO (obviously) i'd expect white people to think ill of my hair, hell, their ancestors have been trying to eradicate our cultural ties to the motherland for centuries, including our chracteristically identifying features, tongues, traditions, etc.

This type of rhetoric spewing from a black person is a much bigger smack in the face. The very people who possess my features are the ones to demonize them? Hilarity. Very hypocritical, and just down right unintelligent...

And while we are on the subject (lol), im baffled by the strong responses in this thread. Why would you get angry at a white person for preferring your hair straight? Of course they would prefer "their" look on you...thats whats been occurring for centuries...the imposing of their ideals upon us. And it doesnt help that thats most of what they see on us, straight hair that is...

 

[itismehmmkay]

I'd tell her she should get one too


What did you end up saying??

 

[mahogany_horizons]

This is very nonsensical to me. IMO (obviously) i'd expect white people to think ill of my hair, hell, their ancestors have been trying to eradicate our cultural ties to the motherland for centuries, including our chracteristically identifying features, tongues, traditions, etc.

This type of rhetoric spewing from a black person is a much bigger smack in the face. The very people who possess my features are the ones to demonize them? Hilarity. Very hypocritical, and just down right unintelligent...

And while we are on the subject (lol), im baffled by the strong responses in this thread. Why would you get angry at a white person for preferring your hair straight? Of course they would prefer "their" look on you...thats whats been occurring for centuries...the imposing of their ideals upon us. And it doesnt help that thats most of what they see on us, straight hair that is...

HOW IS IT NONSENSICAL? HOW DARE SOMEONE THAT IS NOT BLACK give me advice on wearing my hair "straight". I DID NOT SAY THAT IT WAS OKAY COMING FROM OUR OWN COMMUNITY EITHER!! NOPE. NEVER SAID IT. But I would FARRRRRR rather hear it from my own than someone outside of my race. That is carrying it to another level of being offensive. That is them, (another race) telling me that the way they wear their "other race hair" is some how superior to the way that I would chose to groom mine if I were a natural.

I don't appreciate you calling me unintelligent either! I may not spell very well, and may be spirited on the threads here and things, but I'm trying my best to become better educated every day, working on dual master's degrees for example. Oh and I am more than gainfully employed working with colleagues who all already have masters/doctorates, in the same level of position though I only have a bachelors.

I am an instructional designer/trainer, and I GET PAID TO TEACH people with PHd's how to design online courses.

Oh, and I'm not yet 30. I would wager to say that I was pretty intelligent whether you think so or not. And even if I am an intellectual boob, white people don't come at me talking out of the side of their face. They all respect me, even if they are 60 have PHd's and own their own companies.

Some of them call me Ms. and I could be their daughter.

Command respect.

BEGET RESPECT.

I am done.

 

[jennboo]

HOW IS IT NONSENSICAL? HOW DARE SOMEONE THAT IS NOT BLACK give me advice on wearing my hair "straight". I DID NOT SAY THAT IT WAS OKAY COMING FROM OUR OWN COMMUNITY EITHER!! NOPE. NEVER SAID IT. But I would FARRRRRR rather hear it from my own than someone outside of my race. That is carrying it to another level of being offensive. That is them, (another race) telling me that the way they wear their "other race hair" is some how superior to the way that I would chose to groom mine if I were a natural.

I don't appreciate you calling me unintelligent either! I may not spell very well, and may be spirited on the threads here and things, but I'm trying my best to become better educated every day, working on dual master's degrees for example. Oh and I am more than gainfully employed working with colleagues who all already have masters/doctorates, in the same level of position though I only have a bachelors.

I am an instructional designer/trainer, and I GET PAID TO TEACH people with PHd's how to design online courses.

Oh, and I'm not yet 30. I would wager to say that I was pretty intelligent whether you think so or not. And even if I am an intellectual boob, white people don't come at me talking out of the side of their face. They all respect me, even if they are 60 have PHd's and own their own companies.

Some of them call me Ms. and I could be their daughter.

Command respect.

BEGET RESPECT.

I am done.

LOL, whoa! Where'd all that come from Ms.? I never said you were unintelligent, i said that black people who demonized black people were unintelligent .

Kudos to you on all your endeavors!

 

[lilsparkle825]

wow, this thread got off the chain real quick. lol

they probably love your hair. my classmates in my program get so mad at me when i cover my hair. im like uh i was tired this morning, lol. they are the ones who make me feel good about wearing it out. i get compliments all of the time. they are yt by the way. your "friend" has some underlying issues.

i know the feeling...i straightened my hair so i could bun for a week and this one yt girl was staring at me everyday for some reason. the day i came back with my WNG she entered the room and was like "oh thank god your hair is back!"

 

[hothair]

Get a tan, a little colour would make you look decent

 

[mahogany_horizons]

LOL, whoa! Where'd all that come from Ms.? I never said you were unintelligent, i said that black people who demonized black people were unintelligent .

Kudos to you on all your endeavors!

Thank you. I appreciate that. I think anytime you talk about hair/race, it's a topic that naturally comes with a lot of emotion and people are going to get UPSET about it.

It may seem silly to you, but I understand the passion, partly because of where/how I was raised.

Kudos to you for rocking natural styles and making a statement that all black hair is beautiful for our own and other races to see!


ETA I apologize. I re-read your post, and I understood EXACTLY what you were saying, and the point you were making about the ignorant black people. I understand now. My apologies!

 

[VinDieselsWifey]

i'd tell them they could go kick rocks!

our hair is beautiful and the most diverse on the planet.

relaxed, texturized, natural, it's all beautiful when healthy and well taken care of.

her approval for the way you wear YOUR HAIR is neither desired nor required.