What would your response be to a white person who says you should get a perm

[B_sWife79]

WOW! Is pretty much all I can say about that one! I guess if I really considered her a friend and valued her friendship on other levels, I'd try to figure out whether it was just lack of knowledge or experience with many friends with Black hair or just insensitivity/rudeness/callous ignorance. If it was just a lack of knowledge, I'd try to start a conversation with her about hair and enlighten her a bit in a non-confrontational way. If I thought it was just blatant BS, I'd just leave her alone - that's not a friend I'd want if they say things like that and really believe them out of some deeper feelings about people and who they are...kwim.

Now, how to assess which is her issue...hmmm...I guess base it on other knowledge of her, does she say things like this about people often, or is it just related to hair and other things that are handled primarily in private in which case she might not have a wealth of knowledge or understanding?

 

[prettybrowneyescutie]

Oh my! You took this so much better that I would have. I would have told her a little somethin' somethin' and it wouldn't have to nice. I'm pretty sure she has eyes and she can see that women of color wear there hair in a wide range of styles. If she has a t.v. there are more actress/singers/talk show host that now wear that hair natural (i.e. Kim Myles HGTV of Miles of Style, Bre AMTM, Rachel True of Half and Half, Tracy Ross, and Janelle Monae this is just a few).There is no need for this type of stupidity .

 

[RedVelvet310]

because the people with perm have hair that look better than your natural hair? A friend made this comment to me yesterday, and it's been bugging me. I want to discuss it, but I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. This friend also said that she thought black women were supposed to wear weave, so totally clueless.

I'd tell her one of the following depending how I was feeling that day:

1) Hm.. well you'd look a little better if you hit the gym every now and again

2) I promise to go to a consultation with a hair stylist the first thing next morning if you promise to make a consultation with a make-up artist

3) *Looks her up and down*... And I should be taking advice from you becauuuuuuusee???..................

4) You'll look a lot better if you keep your mouth shut

5) If I wanted your advice/opinion I would've asked for it (most likely this one)

 

[empressri]

and you should wash your hair so you don't smell like a wet dog, and speaking of dogs stop kissing them in the mouth cause that's just nasty. and quit blowing your nose at the lunch table cause yall know yall weren't brought up to have any manners, and oh and i going to hard for you??

guess you should have kept your mouth shut in the first place!

 

[oldcrayons]

Haha, that's kinda funny

 

[guyanesesista]

All I can say is that I wudda let her know how her mother made her.

 

[Eisani]

What would I tell them? Don't follow my example...
I'd tell them to get some rythm and get some damn BUSINESS. I'm joking. Sorta.

 

[titan]

a slap to the face. I wouldn't even allow a black person to say that to me.

 

[sowhut]

I would say "You SHOULD get you some business", then I would tell that skank a peace of my mind

@ skank!

I would probably try and throw a low blow though if a white person said anything like that to me...

 

[Esq.2B]

That she should get a tan, some collagen inserts, and do 100 squats everyday for the rest of her life.

 

[Lucia]

1. She's a racist in DENIAL.
2. She's a mean spirited *****!

From what I read she has no consideration for anybody's feelings I'm sure she says mean hurtful crap all day long to white and well as ethnic people. The whole prefacing statements that are ignorant and incredibly rude is very suspect and they are not cute. Not only what she said was wrong but how she said it needs to be addressed, if she doesn't know about other cultures you don't just make mean statements and then plead stupidity, that's not going to work because there is a right and wrong way to ask, and she's all wrong. She's not trying to ask and learn she's just spewing out little bits of hate wrapped in bow.

1st sit her down and explain to her that the way she talks to people is rude, leave out the hair issue at first that's something else and that she is completely clueless when it comes to being nice, and understanding and that she will run across the wrong person one day and be sorry and she's lucky that you're so cultured that you can explain this to her calmly. trans. tell her she's a ***** and if she rolls up on the wrong people she will get knocked the F out.

2nd deal with the obvious racism and don't sugar coat it for her, she needs to know that what she said, has been saying is outright RACIST. Ask her where this passive aggression is coming from and what did anyone ever do to her? And that she needs to look inside and figure out why she acts like this and says these hurtful things. Maybe she needs therapy. Tell her that if she doesn't know about something she should ask in a respectful way and not make statements according to her squewed and limited points of reference IE whatever she heard on the train.

3rd tell her you will not tolerate her trying to make you feel inferior by imposing her Nazi/Hitler-ish views about race and hair texture on you. Also tell her that she needs to get educated on other cultures and races and that Africans have straight hair too refer her to the Egypt, North, South east Africans and Madagascar and that white people invented hair extensions/wigs-Britney, (Brit's hair didn't grow THAT fast come on) Pam Anderson, Jenifer Aniston, Madonna, all wear extensions on a daily basis. Then give her the link to LHCF and tell her to come to this board and fotki so she can see some banging hair relaxed and natural that doesn't need weaves that is superhealthy and superlong.
Just print what I said out and use it as talking points or hand it to her, if you can't say all this to her face, I don't mind she really needs it.


On the other hand it's not like she's saying these things in a vacuum. It's true other races ethnicities including whites wear extensions, but they don't go around talking about everywhere. They only talk about hair woes to close friends, they don't go announcing it down the hallways. Like at school or work you constantly hear black women talking in front of men women, whites whoever about how they need a perm really bad, how their hair is soooo nappy cause they haven't had a touch-up in a month and they can't come through it. How you don't wash your hair, how much you're afraid of water on your hair. How they have to go buy hair, and grease an stuff. I could go on and on. I'm sure that's where she got part of her shotty info from they're listening when these kind convo's go on OK.

It really gets on my last nerve, why can't you keep your weaves/wigs hair products and hair dilemmas to yourself as a people. I never entered into those kind of convo's and always walked away, I don't want to be associated with that kind of negative talk, period. That kind of talk just perpetuates the stereotypes and myths about black/curly hair. Just keep it to yourself why does the whole world have to basically hear the statement my hair is difficult and I hate it. That just makes everyone hate black/curly hair too and feeds into the negative stereotype of black/curly hair and perpetuates the hate.


ex: I was at the store buying a blowdryer/diffuser and a white girl was buying the same exact item. She asked if it worked I said yes they both work well the dryer and the diffuser for curly hair. She said oh I'm just buying it for the dryer I don't have that problem. (hold up... what?) I told this total stranger that curly hair wasn't a problem it's just curly, then I flipped it and turned away as her eyes went big and her mouth opened.

 

[lilsparkle825]

so basically she IS racist. i tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but one thing i do well is reading comprehension. all that "this might sound racist, BUT" is a front if i ever saw one.

 

[justNikki]

White people don't like their own curly hair, so they damn sure don't like yours. Those women on NC.com are the exception, not the rule (not yet anyway). Ol' girl sounds like she was projecting. Sounds like she's a secret curly herself (who may have also RELAXED, yes, they relax their hair too) or who spends an hour a day blowdrying and ironing her hair out.

She got too comfortable. If she's your girlfriend, put her in her place and keep it moving. Women do say catty stuff to each other all of the time and that's what this sounds like to me. She's no different than the black chick that would say the exact same thing.

Also, she used the term "perm"? White women know what a perm is, so, is she one of those "black" white women who use perm interchangably with relaxer? Or does she think you want to wear your hair curly so you should get a (curly) perm?

 

[DDTexlaxed]

Listen if she is a friend, tell her that she hurt your feelings by what she said. Don't ruin a friendship over something that could've been said in innocence. If she apologizes, then she's a true friend. If she does not, then cut her off.

 

[nubiangoddess3]

1. She's a racist in DENIAL.
2. She's a mean spirited *****!


It really gets on my last nerve, why can't you keep your weaves/wigs hair products and hair dilemmas to yourself as a people. I never entered into those kind of convo's and always walked away, I don't want to be associated with that kind of negative talk, period. That kind of talk just perpetuates the stereotypes and myths about black/curly hair. Just keep it to yourself why does the whole world have to basically hear the statement my hair is difficult and I hate it. That just makes everyone hate black/curly hair too and feeds into the negative stereotype of black/curly hair and perpetuates the hate.

She may not be mean spirited just seems to be uneducated about black hair....I mean there are tons of white and other ethicnty which thinks that black hair grows straight like theirs
ex when I wore my fro around my friends my Thai friend and 4 other friend ask how I got my hair like that... I'm like that how it natural grows... they were shocked , asking then how was it always straight since we met you... and do all black ppl hair grows like that

But I agree with your post... some black ppl project negativity about their natural hair so what do you expect the other ppl to say about black hair

 

[Naturelle]

I guess the ignorant side of me would really have to ask

"Are you seriously trying to talk to me right now about proper hair care adn you're looking at me with a stink raggedy 'let me color it so it looks like something mop on my head', you really can't be serious "

I don't like when people of my own race feel the need to comment on what texture my hair should be. Anyone who offers proper hair care advice I can handle, especially if it makes sense hair professional or not. But I have issues with people, I don't care what your head looks like or the colour of your skin is, telling me to change the texture of my hair because it is better accepted in society and meets certain beauty standards.

Are you serious? LOL. Nah, I wish somebody would.

 

[Pooks]

Well, judging from what was said, like basically all the black girls she's known wear weaves. She also said they only wash their hair once a month and stuff like that. I was kind of shocked at the statement, though, and if there ever was a racist statement to come out of her mouth, that would be it!

To be honest, before LHCF, I was one of those girls!!! (Miseducation is a terrible thing.) I think she needs time and teaching if she was genuinely naive in those statements, but if not, she needs a dose of reality and attitude sent back in your response. Some people speak before they think...

 

[~*~ShopAholic~*~]

To the Bold, that's what i thought the girl meant, they normally use the word perm correctly. I probably would have just told her on the spot how I felt, if I took offense to it.

White people don't like their own curly hair, so they damn sure don't like yours. Those women on NC.com are the exception, not the rule (not yet anyway). Ol' girl sounds like she was projecting. Sounds like she's a secret curly herself (who may have also RELAXED, yes, they relax their hair too) or who spends an hour a day blowdrying and ironing her hair out.

She got too comfortable. If she's your girlfriend, put her in her place and keep it moving. Women do say catty stuff to each other all of the time and that's what this sounds like to me. She's no different than the black chick that would say the exact same thing.

Also, she used the term "perm"? White women know what a perm is, so, is she one of those "black" white women who use perm interchangably with relaxer? Or does she think you want to wear your hair curly so you should get a (curly) perm?

 

[bravenewgirl87]

That she should get a tan, some collagen inserts, and do 100 squats everyday for the rest of her life.

She should also start sticking her fingers down her throat, call her therapist and cry about it and you should tell her her breath smells like an8s. Honestly, Miss J....
You should remain her friend. If you knew she was so insensitive to people of other races, then you come back here and ask us how we feel about it, then you probably already have your mind made up. This is a no-brainer. I don't let anyone destroy myself esteem for the halibut (hell of it).

 

[Lucia]

White people don't like their own curly hair, so they damn sure don't like yours. Those women on NC.com are the exception, not the rule (not yet anyway). Ol' girl sounds like she was projecting. Sounds like she's a secret curly herself (who may have also RELAXED, yes, they relax their hair too) or who spends an hour a day blowdrying and ironing her hair out.

She got too comfortable. If she's your girlfriend, put her in her place and keep it moving. Women do say catty stuff to each other all of the time and that's what this sounds like to me. She's no different than the black chick that would say the exact same thing.

Also, she used the term "perm"? White women know what a perm is, so, is she one of those "black" white women who use perm interchangably with relaxer? Or does she think you want to wear your hair curly so you should get a (curly) perm?

ITA she sounds like she has wavy/curly/kinky hair and can't accept it herself-hint hint: she blowdrys her hair daily after washing, if she had naturally straight hair she wound't have to blowdry. In this day and age everyone knows what a perm means and it's used interchangeably perm=relaxer or perm=curly perm-she knows the diff.

 

[VettaVetta]

tell her to mind her own

 

[Lucia]

She may not be mean spirited just seems to be uneducated about black hair....I mean there are tons of white and other ethicnty which thinks that black hair grows straight like their
ex when I wore my fro around my friends my Thai friend and 4 other friend ask how I got my hair like that... I'm like that how it natural grows... they were shocked , asking then how was it always straight since we met you... and do all black ppl hair grows like that

But I agree with your post... some black ppl project negativity about their natural hair so what do you expect the other ppl to say about black hair

I don't give her any benefit of the doubt or any sugar coating at all, I don't buy the whole ignorant/innocent act I've dealt with people like her and she IS mean spirited. 1st if she thought that black/ethnic hair grew straight, she would not have said anything close to what she said. I know you may want to believe everyone is basically good like I do but some people are just mean. The fact that she's always prefacing her statements with I hope you don't think this is racist, I don't want to sound _______. is a clear indicator that she's a meanie, straight up-no chaser. She sounds like like the type who goes up to a heavy-set friend and says I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you should really stop eating that or anything mean along those lines. Even when you take the ethnic slant away, she gets off from being mean.

 

[MissJ]

I haven't talked to the friend yet, but this really got to me. Yesterday I covered my hair. Today, I did untwisted and teased. I wonder if that's what all the white people in my class are thinking!!!!!

 

[Southernbella.]

I have found that the best way to deal with sneaky racists is to flip it on them. At first, I was going to talk about how to educate her, but as I read more, I say forget that!

I would tell her something like...

"Many bw like to wear their hair in straight styles, but I prefer to wear mine kinky. I'm not crazy about straight hair, personally. I mean, yours looks ok, but most straight hair just looks stringy and greasy to me. Actually, black women's straight hair looks really good to me because it's thick and textured. Plus, it smells good. Not that yours doesn't! Anyway, I appreciate your opinion. Since we're trading suggestions, can I make one? I notice you've been looking kind of pale and washed out lately. Do you have any bronzer? I know most white women tan, but bronzer is a quick and easy way to get some color without the health hazards. Just a suggestion!"

 

[guyanesesista]

Lauren you're such a meanie. But I totally agree with you.

 

[lovenharmony]

Oh please, she prefaced that ish? She knew what she was about to say would hurt you and she said it anyway!!!! Thant's not a friend, that's a stuck up yt beyotch that believes she's better than people of color and probably only hangs out with you to boost up her own self esteem and vanity!!! Heh, "it would look better than that stuff on your head now"? WTF??? Memo to self....she doesn't even acknowledge the "stuff" on your head as being hair!!!!!

It would be different if she asked you how come you don't straighten it like the other black women she encountered or she stated that her preference is straight hair (for herself) but to come at you like that and tell you that you NEED to relax your hair cause it don't even look like hair right now, or it looks ugly on you, she looking to get cussed out cause I definitely wouldv'e caught a case!!

Ignorant my hynie!!! Shoot, I don't have the time or the patience to deal with a person like that. If you want a rainbow coalition of friends, you should have the decency to learn about their different cultures and learn some racial tolerance or else stick to your own race and STFU

 

[cocopuff06]

Well, to add more context, it all started on the issue of blowdryers. She was saying how she washes her hair every morning and that sometimes she uses blowdryers. I said something about washing my hair, and she asked how often I washed it. I said usually once a week, but if my hair were straight I'd prefer to wash it more since it wouldn't take as long to do afterward. I said I didn't have a perm, so my hair's not straight. Then she was like, "You should get a perm. It looks better that what you have on your head now."

Wow wow wow.... I think there are two different ways you could respond to her:
1- Show her your "ghetto Black girl" side, with all kinds of head rolling, hand talking, eye rolling, with all the STFUs and B***h calling you can spit out. "I know you are NOT talkin to me like that. First of all...."

2- You can sit her down and get some clarity. That statement made it obvious that she doesn't know the first thing about Black hair and she doesn't know what natural hair means to you. If she is someone that you call a friend and that really calls you a friend, then you could explain to her how that comment made you feel and why. Then explain to her why you wear your hair natural. You are in a position where you can educate her and break these misconceptions she has about Black women and their hair. It's not always fun having to be "that one" who educates everyone, but if you feel that she is "deserving" (that she will actually listen, understand, and benefit) then explain it to her.

Neither response is necessarily a better approach. Hey, if she caught me on a bad day, I would probably go with plan A... But like I said, you know her better that we do

Thats just my two cents

 

[Naturelle]

"Many bw like to wear their hair in straight styles, but I prefer to wear mine kinky. I'm not crazy about straight hair, personally. I mean, yours looks ok, but most straight hair just looks stringy and greasy to me. Actually, black women's straight hair looks really good to me because it's thick and textured. Plus, it smells good. Not that yours doesn't! Anyway, I appreciate your opinion. Since we're trading suggestions, can I make one? I notice you've been looking kind of pale and washed out lately. Do you have any bronzer? I know most white women tan, but bronzer is a quick and easy way to get some color without the health hazards. Just a suggestion!"

Love it!

 

[hopeful]

I haven't talked to the friend yet, but this really got to me. Yesterday I covered my hair. Today, I did untwisted and teased. I wonder if that's what all the white people in my class are thinking!!!!!

I think the best response would be to wear your hair out in it's full and beautiful glory. Honestly I found that when I was natural whenever I wore my hair out some white women seemed particularly uncomfortable and felt the need to say "something", I finally realized that they were jelly that my hair could do something that theirs never could. To me the best response is to keep doing you and distance yourself from her, be real cool with her. Make her come to you with "What's wrong?" lol and I would just flip my hair and kim. Forget her. Do not let her win, the jealous witch. You and your hair are beautiful and believe me that is what most of the other students are thinking.

ETA: She is not your friend, I'm sorry.

 

[TaurusAngel]

Why is everyone getting upset? MANY black people think that way about our hair too, LOL. It would be worse, imo, if it was coming from a black person.

They would get smacked too. But this isn't about black people, this is about that white heifer talking about AA women are supposed to wear weaves.