What Would You Do If A Young Family Member Asked You......

Lady Esquire

Lady Esquire

New Member
What would you do if a 19 year old neice, newly married, with a 4 week old infant asked to stay with you?
ETA: The husband no longer wants to be married, and is tossing her and her baby out.

She turned down her mother's offer because they butt heads.
She turned down another aunt's offer (who has no kids, 5 bedrooms, and offered to pay for a day nurse for the baby) because they butt heads.

She is insisting that my house is where she would prefer to stay, in peace, while she gets herself together. I have no problems with it, but I have some reservations. I am leaving out a lot of details, but I smell drama a mile away. The last time I let a family member stay over, we got screwed financially and emotionally.
 
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I would say no, because I don't enjoy having people staying at my house.

She needs to resolve whatever is going on in her marriage...or is she having a divorce?
Or are they both coming to stay - husband and wife?
 
If she had other reasonable options, I would say no. It sounds like her other aunt is a reasonable option.
 
I wouldn't let her. The common denominator is her. Chances are she is going to end up butting heads with you. She is going to butt heads with everyone. Sounds like her mom and aunt would give her responsibilities and make her do things around the house. I think she may be asking you because she doesn't think you are going to make her responsible.

Personally if I was your young family member, I would go with the best offer. Aunt's offer sounds good and I would do everything to keep from messing it up.

What is the deal with her and her husband? Is this an issue about abuse? If not, make her go home and work it out with her spouse. My mother told me I was always welcomed at her house but if my husband and I had an arguement we had to work it out, unless abuse was involved.
 
If you feel it's going to be drama, politely decline. She may be upset now, but its better for her to be upset now and it blow over then for you both to be upset later.

She wants to stay out of preference, not need. Tell her to try it with her mom and aunt first...
IMHO
 
LadyEsquire said:
She turned down another aunt's offer (who has no kids, 5 bedrooms, and offered to pay for a day nurse for the baby) because they butt heads.

.
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No, no, no! Don't do it! She sounds very immature for refusing an offer that would probably be the most comfortable for her, and her aunt was going to help pay for a nurse! If she was serious aout getting her life together, she would be able to set aside differences and suck it up.
 
I would advise her to work things out with her mother or aunt because she would not becoming here. If you're at point where you need a roof over your head with a new husband and new baby then she should have been grateful to have either of those offers. Sounds like she has a lot of drama surrounding her life, I would not want to put myself in the middle of it, especially considering she has other better options.
 
FlowerHair said:
She needs to resolve whatever is going on in her marriage...or is she having a divorce?
Or are they both coming to stay - husband and wife?
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She claims he cheated and discovered it on Facebook. The details are sketchy. The first thing DH and I asked her was, "is there a chance of reconciliation?". He said there wasn't any because he's in love with someone else. She said she is willing to stick it out and try. She was crying on the phone and since DH is the only male figure in her life, he agreed to go pick her up. DH even got her a job interview at a local daycare, and worked out a discount for the baby's tuition. Everything was all set. Then we got a phone call a few days later that she hit a tree with her car, got a fistful of citations because she had no insurance, and totalled the car. That is when I started having reservations because how is she gonna get around to work, school, etc? Then I started thinking she cannot come here to stare at my four walls, suck up electricity, eat all our food, and have a 4 week old baby who needs diapers, formula, etc. I have 3 kids of my own, one of which is 16 months.



ThickHair said:
I wouldn't let her. The common denominator is her. Chances are she is going to end up butting heads with you. She is going to butt heads with everyone. Sounds like her mom and aunt would give her responsibilities and make her do things around the house. I think she may be asking you because she doesn't think you are going to make her responsible.

Personally if I was your young family member, I would go with the best offer. Aunt's offer sounds good and I would do everything to keep from messing it up.

What is the deal with her and her husband? Is this an issue about abuse? If not, make her go home and work it out with her spouse. My mother told me I was always welcomed at her house but if my husband and I had an arguement we had to work it out, unless abuse was involved.
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DH called her and told her that we have 3 requirements: a car, a job, and she must finish school. When I got on the phone, she started speechifying and crying. That's when I knew something wasn't right. If I had a newborn baby and was seperating from my new husband, I'd have a plan. I'd know when, where, and how thing would happen next. She didn't. She sounded like a little kid, and have 3 of my own.

Duchesse said:
No, no, no! Don't do it! She sounds very immature for refusing an offer that would probably be the most comfortable for her, and her aunt was going to help pay for a nurse! If she was serious aout getting her life together, she would be able to set aside differences and suck it up.
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So I told her that if they really MUST break up, then never leave your house for a man. If his az$$ wants to go, then let him go. Why should you and your new baby interrupt your life because he wants out. But all of my inlaws are now competing on who should take her.

There is no abuse, just a lot of immaturity.
 
No, let her mother and aunt sort that mess out.
It seems almost like taking in a foster child. Next thing you know, her baby will be with you 24/7.
 
FlowerHair said:
No, let her mother and aunt sort that mess out.
It seems almost like taking in a foster child. Next thing you know, her baby will be with you 24/7.
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Now the grandmother, DH's mom, is involved. She is jealous that the one aunt with the big house is more financially secure to take in her grandchild. She called here, "Why does she feel like she is this family's savior? I am the head of this family, if anything I should take her."

Its all a pissing contest. I have slowly backed out. DH feels guilty that he wants no part of it either. He just came to that conclusion this morning.
 
If you feel there will be drama then no. She has many options. Plus usually beggars aren't choosy. She has people arguing over who will take her in. Her telling them no would make me think she chose me cuz she think she'd be able to do whatever she wants.
 
My name is bennett and I ain't in it!

Since she has so many other options and some good ones at that...let her have her pick.
 
LadyEsquire said:
Now the grandmother, DH's mom, is involved. She is jealous that the one aunt with the big house is more financially secure to take in her grandchild. She called here, "Why does she feel like she is this family's savior? I am the head of this family, if anything I should take her."

Its all a pissing contest. I have slowly backed out. DH feels guilty that he wants no part of it either. He just came to that conclusion this morning.
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make your choice and release any guilty feelings over it...doing something out of obligations when you don't want to or feeling guilty if you don't isn't the same as doing something you truly feel in your heart is for the well being of everybody involved...

if you truly feel in your heart your home would be the best bet for her, even if you didn't want to do it you would be compelled to do it on a deeper level and you wouldn't be doing it for obligatory reasons or feeling sorry for her ....

if it isn't the best on a deeper level you would be compelled to let it go, however your conscious levels would try to create guilt over it because of what you think you "should" be doing vs what you are "feeling" like doing

there is a difference

trust you are following your own intuitions and trust that her situation will be resolved in the best manner it needs to be
 
Don't do it!!! You will end up watching her baby and your house will never be the same. :nono: Drive her to the place where people apply for section A or section 8 housing. I never know what their saying when I hear that. :grin:
 
Nope! I don't like being in a house with two grown women. I will pay for someone to stay somewhere before I will let them stay with me. Its a disaster waiting to happen. I tried this a few years ago with my cousin(who was getting into it with her mother_ and she turned around and bumped heads with me. Hell nawl!
 
May I suggest that you and the other family members help them for a few months in an extended stay, Give them a deadline, offer your support during that time and pray for their best. I wouldnt suggest you inviting them into your home, the burden and finances would be out of control....
 
WhipEffectz1 said:
Nope! I don't like being in a house with two grown women. I will pay for someone to stay somewhere before I will let them stay with me. Its a disaster waiting to happen. I tried this a few years ago with my cousin(who was getting into it with her mother_ and she turned around and bumped heads with me. Hell nawl!
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The husband is kicking her out. She and her baby would be the ones to come, if we agreed. My stance is if a man wants out of a marriage, then he should leave. Unless there is abuse and she fears her safety, then his behind needs to go. I would never leave my house for a grown az$$$ man. I had a relative come stay with us once, and it caused all kinds of problems. She was supposed to stay for 3, but stayed for 9 months. I literally was foaming at the mouth when I told her to leave. It was bad. But she refused to work, left her kids for hours on end, etc.... I can't let myself get involved in that again. My first instinct with that previous relative was to write her a check, rather than have her stay with us, and I went against my better judgment. It ended badly and we did not speak for over a year.

akimat001 said:
May I suggest that you and the other family members help them for a few months in an extended stay, Give them a deadline, offer your support during that time and pray for their best. I wouldnt suggest you inviting them into your home, the burden and finances would be out of control....
Click to expand...

We got her a job interview at a daycare, and worked out a deal to have the baby go there at a reduced price. We told her that if she came she would need to have a deadline as to when she would be out on her own, registered in classes, and keep a job. She wouldn't have to pay for anything, except her baby's expenses and save for money to move out.

After making plans and talking on the phone with her for hours on end, she called here and decided to go live with her grandmother, DH's mother. DH, although releived, asked her what was the reasoning behind living with a woman in her 60s, who lives in small one bedroom condo. She replied, "I need a peaceful environment where there are no strings attached."

We dodged a bullet. Good luck to her.
 
Kurlee said:
i would help her.
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That was my first instinct. She crashed and totalled her car a few days ago. Her mother drove up to her after an 8 hour drive. This girl refused to go back home with her mom. She claimed that she had made an arrangement with my DH and she had much preferred to come to my house.

But as soon as DH called and told her that we had a job waiting for her, and that she was required to register for school to finish her studies, she changed her mind, and now has decided to go live with her grandmother.
 
I'm stuck on the fact that she is 19 yrs old with a 4 month old and hubby is kicking her out.

How do you get kicked out your own house? He pays the FULL rent/mortgage? Who's name is on the lease/mortgage?

That's a real "hot grits" moment when your hubby comes home and tells you some mess like that. If you kill him in a fit of rage then its considered an act of rage rather than manslaughter, right? :look:

ETA: 4 WEEK old? WEEKS?!!
 
LadyEsquire said:
That was my first instinct. She crashed and totalled her car a few days ago. Her mother drove up to her after an 8 hour drive. This girl refused to go back home with her mom. She claimed that she had made an arrangement with my DH and she had much preferred to come to my house.

But as soon as DH called and told her that we had a job waiting for her, and that she was required to register for school to finish her studies, she changed her mind, and now has decided to go live with her grandmother.
Click to expand...


GOOD!!!!.......
 
She wanted to go stay with her grandmother b/c her grandmother didnt have any initial rules and guidelines for her like you and your hubby did.

She didn't want to go to school, doesn't want to work either. That's why she chose granny. Strings attached means she has to do what a grown adult needs to do. Work and/or go to school.

It aint right but maybe this is an indication of why her hubby is fed up with her. She aint about nothing?
 
LadyEsquire said:
That was my first instinct. She crashed and totalled her car a few days ago. Her mother drove up to her after an 8 hour drive. This girl refused to go back home with her mom. She claimed that she had made an arrangement with my DH and she had much preferred to come to my house.

But as soon as DH called and told her that we had a job waiting for her, and that she was required to register for school to finish her studies, she changed her mind, and now has decided to go live with her grandmother.
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See now...I came in this thread and every part of this story I read gave me a negative vibe. All signs point to no. Abort! Beggars cannot be choosy! She is at a point where she needs to cut her losses and do what she has to do for herself and her baby. If that means going back to mom, so be it. The fact that her mom is willing to drive 8 hours one way for her when she is in trouble tells me that her mom is not the one with the problem.

At the bolded - Even more proof of her irresponsibility and poor decision-making skills. She had an opportunity to put herself in a position to provide for herself and her child, yet she chooses the option to be in a position to sit at home all day, probably expecting grandma to pay for diapers and watch the baby while she goes out to chill with her friends. SMH
MizzBrown said:
She wanted to go stay with her grandmother b/c her grandmother didnt have any initial rules and guidelines for her like you and your hubby did.

She didn't want to go to school, doesn't want to work either. That's why she chose granny. Strings attached means she has to do what a grown adult needs to do. Work and/or go to school.

It aint right but maybe this is an indication of why her hubby is fed up with her. She aint about nothing?
Click to expand...
Right! Hot mess.
 
No ma'am! Momma and aunt offered and she's supposedly desparate and she can't hold her tongue long enough to get help from either of them....no way. Sounds like where she goes hell follows.
 
LadyEsquire said:
We got her a job interview at a daycare, and worked out a deal to have the baby go there at a reduced price. We told her that if she came she would need to have a deadline as to when she would be out on her own, registered in classes, and keep a job. She wouldn't have to pay for anything, except her baby's expenses and save for money to move out.

After making plans and talking on the phone with her for hours on end, she called here and decided to go live with her grandmother, DH's mother. DH, although releived, asked her what was the reasoning behind living with a woman in her 60s, who lives in small one bedroom condo. She replied, "I need a peaceful environment where there are no strings attached."

We dodged a bullet. Good luck to her.
Click to expand...

LadyEsquire said:
That was my first instinct. She crashed and totalled her car a few days ago. Her mother drove up to her after an 8 hour drive. This girl refused to go back home with her mom. She claimed that she had made an arrangement with my DH and she had much preferred to come to my house.

But as soon as DH called and told her that we had a job waiting for her, and that she was required to register for school to finish her studies, she changed her mind, and now has decided to go live with her grandmother.
Click to expand...
Exactly what I figured was going on. She wanted to come live with you guys because she felt she would be able to get away with whatever she wanted.:nono:


MizzBrown said:
She wanted to go stay with her grandmother b/c her grandmother didnt have any initial rules and guidelines for her like you and your hubby did.

She didn't want to go to school, doesn't want to work either. That's why she chose granny. Strings attached means she has to do what a grown adult needs to do. Work and/or go to school.

It aint right but maybe this is an indication of why her hubby is fed up with her. She aint about nothing?
Click to expand...
It does make you wonder.
 
justNikki said:
No ma'am! Momma and aunt offered and she's supposedly desparate and she can't hold her tongue long enough to get help from either of them....no way. Sounds like where she goes hell follows.
Click to expand...

Yep, stay tuned. I am glad she isn't coming to your house, but I would be willing to bet that there will be some drama at some point at your DH's mom's house. I feel bad for her (DH's mom) already.

This girl seems very immature.
 
I don't feel sorry for people like your niece. No wonder our world is so messed up. People don't want to work for anything.
 
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