What Would You Do - A Parade Of Ex's

[TinyBlu]

So I've been seeing a new guy for a few weeks. Actually, it's someone that I've known through mutual friends for many years. We ran into each other... blah, blah, blah.

One of our mutual friends called to invite me to a housewarming, and I asked her if I could bring someone. Initially, she said yes, but when I told her who I was seeing, she asked me not to bring him because she was inviting two of his ex's to the event.

I am fully aware of his dating past with both these women, and he is aware of men that I dated within the same circle, and while I can understand why our friend wouldn't want any "potential drama" as she so eloquently put it if I walked into her housewarming with him, I can't say that I appreciate being UN invited because of it.


Needless to say, after that I determined that I wasn't going to go.

I am wondering, however, if I should mention this to him.

It's amazing how small the world is, and I would venture to say that we will eventually run into an ex at some point. I'm certainly not going to hide our relationship to make someone else comfortable...

Not sure if I should tell him or not...

 

[LiftedUp]

You weren't uninvited, he was. I would've done the same if I was the host .

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Honestly, I think I'd be glad about this. Social interaction (more than hi and bye) with a new guy and two of his exes just sounds like an invitation for either drama or hurt feelings. I don't think you've been seeing him long enough to add this in the mix.

Also, you have to consider that the friend may know more about his history with these women. You're thinking about drama in general but she may be thinking about real drama in the past and this being an opportunity for it to start again.

 

[Maracujá]

Fully agree with @LiftedUp and @Black Ambrosia, these days all I do is avoid drama at all costs, nothing ages people - women in particular - more than drama .

 

[TinyBlu]

I didn't look at it that way.

...BUT now my concern is that this mutual friend is going to spread the word. I wish I would have asked him about sharing that information before I did it. My pinky toe is in my esophagus right now...

 

[awhyley]

Needless to say, after that I determined that I wasn't going to go.

I am wondering, however, if I should mention this to him.

Wondering why you're not going still. If I were you, I'd want to talk to these women and get their perspective of him (this has to be done gently of course), without him around.

Also, wondering why you feel the need to mention. I'd mention it, after I attend the event.

I didn't look at it that way.

...BUT now my concern is that this mutual friend is going to spread the word. I wish I would have asked him about sharing that information before I did it. My pinky toe is in my esophagus right now...

I'm still confused. Spread the word about what? His exes being at her party?

 

[meka72]

@awhyley, I think OP means spread the word that she is dating the guy. That’s what I assumed that she meant given the friend’s reference to drama.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I didn't look at it that way.

...BUT now my concern is that this mutual friend is going to spread the word. I wish I would have asked him about sharing that information before I did it. My pinky toe is in my esophagus right now...

I'm guessing you're concerned about him getting word that his business is out in the street? It sounds innocent and I'd relay it just like you told it to us. I wouldn't bother trying to find out what the other women know. Odds are they'll know all about you before you walk in the door. They'll have looked you up on fb, LinkedIn, and wherever else they can find you and they won't be quick to volunteer information unless they're trying to stir the pot. Even if he isn't messy it sounds like at least one of them may be.

 

[Mai Tai]

Also, you have to consider that the friend may know more about his history with these women. You're thinking about drama in general but she may be thinking about real drama in the past and this being an opportunity for it to start again.

EXACTLY!!

If your friend is cool enough with these women to invite them to her house warming, I can almost assure that at some point, one of them confided in her thus giving her a different perspective.

Did your guy tell you the conditions under which these relationships ended?

I wouldn't tell him what your friend said, but I would keep it in my mental Rolodex.

 

[LiftedUp]

I didn't look at it that way.

...BUT now my concern is that this mutual friend is going to spread the word. I wish I would have asked him about sharing that information before I did it. My pinky toe is in my esophagus right now...

If you mean "spreading the word" as in letting the other women know that he's dating you now, I guess it was inevitable. These are the things that comes with dating and switching partners within a group.

 

[SexySin985]

I didn't look at it that way.

...BUT now my concern is that this mutual friend is going to spread the word. I wish I would have asked him about sharing that information before I did it. My pinky toe is in my esophagus right now...

I'm confused. You are concerned that your friend is going to "spread the word" but earlier you stated that you're not going to hide your relationship to make others feel comfortable. Your friend invited YOU to share in her exciting accomplishment of getting a home. I wouldn't want any drama or awkward moments on my special day either so I would have done the same as your friend.

 

[LdyKamz]

I wouldn't go but that's just me because I have to wonder if the friend had known OP was currently dating him if she would have invited her in the first place.

 

[RocStar]

You have been together for a few weeks? Just keep it moving...no need to make a mountain out of a molehill.

 

[firecracker]

I don't understand why you would want him to know what your friend said. Just leave it alone.

 

[silverbuttons]

Your friend is inviting you to her housewarming. Even though she knows him as well, she didn’t invite him. Unless he asks, why is it his right to know? I would go, have fun.. have casual conversation. If someone brings up the person I’m casually dating I will shrug it off because at this point it’s only a few weeks. There’s nothing to hide, there’s also nothing to present.

Are you two that inseparable where you can’t attend a housewarming without raising suspicion?

Dating in your social circle is always a little messy. Just remember to continue to be an individual and not completely attach yourself to him... or you might end up getting hurt and booted out of your friend group.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I'm not understanding why you think your friend would spread drama when she's the one trying to stop drama. She's the one asking you to be courteous enough to come alone instead of bringing a guy who may or may not be an important part of your life, whom you've dated briefly and who is connected to other friends of hers via his romantic past. It appears to me currently that you're a tad bit (baby bit) dramatic about the whole thing with a bunch of assumptions

1. you assume she disinvited you: but that is not accurate, according to what you mentioned earlier. She asked you not to bring him upon knowing who he is in connection with her other friends.
2. This idea that you have to tell him anything. Why? You've dated the guy for a second of your life. You may have a falling out tomorrow and never see him again. this is not a point in your life where you need to reveal all of your life to someone including information about all your friends and their "lives". If someone invites you to a house warming, just go (what does he have to do with it?) if you want to support them. If someone invites you to a birthday party just go (again why does he need to know all the tidbits of your life until he becomes a major part of it)?
3. assumption that she's going to tell others : first off who cares? You said you don't want to hide anything anyways. And if you keep dating him someone is bound to find out. Second, I'm willing to bet that isn't the case and your worries are based on an active imagination. If she asked you not to include him, she seems like the level headed person who is trying to prevent said drama hence I don't see her spreading news to anyone. Basically she wants a drama free house warming. That doesn't mean word won't get around in such a small group but again, who cares, right? You wanted to bring dude to a house warming so I assume you're dating him and if so, you should be proud of who you're dating or else you need to make other choices.

If you wanted to keep your relationship under wraps you would've never introduced him into the equation in the first place, right? So one way or another I'm thinking you need to shrug about the relationship and stop creating (probably) imaginary situations in your head to make yourself mortified/nervous/worried about interacting with his exes. Just go to the housewarming, bring some wine or cheese, have fun and kim.

Personally I'd just go and support my friend and kim. I would not make any assumptions unless something was brought up and obvious.

 

[TinyBlu]

I wouldn't go but that's just me because I have to wonder if the friend had known OP was currently dating him if she would have invited her in the first place.

I think that may be what happened. If she had known that little tidbit, I don't think she would have invited me

 

[TinyBlu]

You have been together for a few weeks? Just keep it moving...no need to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Yeah, I was. Later that evening I just told him, "Hey, I spoke to ________ today and told her we were seeing each other" He didn't flinch. He even suggested we double date. I was WAY overthinking the situation

 

[TinyBlu]

I don't understand why you would want him to know what your friend said. Just leave it alone.

I didn't even mention the housewarming to him. I'm not going, so you're right. No biggie.

 

[TinyBlu]

Your friend is inviting you to her housewarming. Even though she knows him as well, she didn’t invite him. Unless he asks, why is it his right to know? I would go, have fun.. have casual conversation. If someone brings up the person I’m casually dating I will shrug it off because at this point it’s only a few weeks. There’s nothing to hide, there’s also nothing to present.

Are you two that inseparable where you can’t attend a housewarming without raising suspicion?

Dating in your social circle is always a little messy. Just remember to continue to be an individual and not completely attach yourself to him... or you might end up getting hurt and booted out of your friend group.

No, shes didn't invite him and probably never would have...considering. I would venture to say that she wouldn't have invited me if she knew that I was dating him prior to the invitation. After thinking about it, I don't think I would be completely comfortable in the situation, so I think it's better that I didn't go (probably a bit selfishly so).

 

[silverbuttons]

No, shes didn't invite him and probably never would have...considering. I would venture to say that she wouldn't have invited me if she knew that I was dating him prior to the invitation. After thinking about it, I don't think I would be completely comfortable in the situation, so I think it's better that I didn't go (probably a bit selfishly so).

You’re single. Yet you’re making decisions as though you’re already a couple.

You don’t represent him nor his bad decisions. Why would you feel uncomfortable?

 

[Lylddlebit]

No, shes didn't invite him and probably never would have...considering. I would venture to say that she wouldn't have invited me if she knew that I was dating him prior to the invitation. After thinking about it, I don't think I would be completely comfortable in the situation, so I think it's better that I didn't go (probably a bit selfishly so).

That is what it really is. You dating someone who dated women you know so how you are perceived and received is a factor you are considering. You feel a way about it and are flushing out your thoughts on the situation. The friend, the dude, the board are just sounding boards on how you feel about talking to this dude.

 

[lana]

OP - your reaction and final result/ decision are all normal. This is what we're here for...to talk as a group of women with different backgrounds. I'm glad you shared.

Best wishes on the new relationship and on mixing and mingling now that you two are dating.