what should i do?

J

JereK

New Member
Hi all, I have a situation, I am in a relationship with a good guy, short though (4months). Iam also a single mother in which the father is not at all involved, he lives in another state. My current boyfriend comes over often, and says he spends time with my son, well now that i look at it he sits on the sofa watches tv and on the computer while my son runs around him (that is what he call spending time), but no real contact only when a couple of times when he helps with homework. he says he is not ready to take my son out yet. (My son is 3 1/2 ). Now my mom says that i have to let my son know his father, but his father nevers calls or shows that he want to be in his
life, not even child support. No birthday calls, no christmas calls, nothing. This hurts me very much. I think subconsiously with my current boyfriend i am looking for a replacement dad, which is why i feel that he should take my son out and do fatherly things. Im lost, I dont want my son to be hurt by his dad not being in or not showing intrest in his life, and it hurts when i see that my BF never really plays with him, he talks alot about the three of us, but he has nevr actually gotten down to PLAY with my son. Im menatlly exhausted thinking about this. Sorry for the longpost.
Am i being to obssesvie over the current BF to be father figure?
Should i let my son get to see and know his dad, even if his dad doesnt try?
Help!!!! BTW, sorry for so many mispelled words.:ohwell:
 
I don't think you should try and force the guy to be a father to your son. I also don't think you should bring any guy into your son's life unless you are planning to keep that guy in you life forever, meaning unless you guys are planning to get married. Since your son is so young, it's easy for him to get attached, and what will happen if you and the guy break up?

Do you have any male members of you family that can be a role model for your son?

Also, if your current guy doesn't want to play with your son, take it for what it is. You know that saying "if someone shows you who they really are, believe them", well this guy is showing you he's not interested in dealing with your son. If your son needs a strong male figure in his life in the future and this guy is not willing to step up now, do you think he will step up in the future? If you really see a future with this guy, then I guess you should talk to him about it, but if his behavior doesn't change, there's nothing you can do, he has no obligation to your son.

This is just my opinion, and is in no way intended to offend anyone.
 
if the dad doesnt want to be there you can not force him. now if you call him and set up a meeting and he agrees then thats another story. other wise i would not push it. that could cause even more harm to your son when he sees that you have to MAKE the father be there. and as for the new man, it's only been four months. he'll come around if he really wants to be with you AND your son. but four months is too soon to make him the father of a 3 year old if he's not ready.
 
As a single mother...I can relate to some of what you're feeling.

My son's father plays a large part in his life but he lives in another state and that's frustrating so I knows its even more frustrating for you being that your son's father doesn't want to be in his life.

One thing you have to keep in mind when dating, that individual needs to realize that you and your son are a package deal. Not saying he has to immediately get into his "fatherly role" but he needs to understand that if he doesn't want to participate in your child's life, then there isnt' a future for you guys.

Now, what I'm about to say now is how I choose to handle dating...I'm in now way judging you or telling you how to handle your situation.....my son is 10 yrs old and I've never taken a man around him that I haven't been dating for a period of 9+ months. My son only knows his father and my ex, who I was with for 5 yrs. The gentlemen that I date now has a limited relationship with my son and we've dated on/off for 3 yrs. That's by choice. If a man isn't going to long haul with me, there's no point in him meeting my son. My current boyfriend knows my son, they've done things together (with me included), etc. But I don't make our relationship a big deal to my son. In my son's eyes, he's mommy's friend. He does not sleep in my home nor is he there when my son goes to bed. My boyfriend is aware of his role in my son's life and if we choose to do bigger things in our relationship (i.e. marriage) he knows that he will become a "father figure" to my son.

Now, if you want to continue to date this gentlemen, then you need to discuss your expectations with him in terms of your relationship with him and his relationship w/your son. If he's not on the same page as you...then you need to know that now so you can decide how to proceed.

Best of luck to you:yep:
 
LoveSponge said:
I don't think you should try and force the guy to be a father to your son. I also don't think you should bring any guy into your son's life unless you are planning to keep that guy in you life forever, meaning unless you guys are planning to get married. Since your son is so young, it's easy for him to get attached, and what will happen if you and the guy break up?

Do you have any male members of you family that can be a role model for your son?

Also, if your current guy doesn't want to play with your son, take it for what it is. You know that saying "if someone shows you who they really are, believe them", well this guy is showing you he's not interested in dealing with your son. If your son needs a strong male figure in his life in the future and this guy is not willing to step up now, do you think he will step up in the future? If you really see a future with this guy, then I guess you should talk to him about it, but if his behavior doesn't change, there's nothing you can do, he has no obligation to your son.

This is just my opinion, and is in no way intended to offend anyone.
Click to expand...

I totally agree with the bolded. I don't have any children, but I had a dead-beat dad growing up. I think you should TRY to encourage a relationship with the father, but in the end, your goal should be to make sure that he is happy, healthy, and has a stable life, even if that life does not include a father at all. That's what matters most. (IMHO) 4 months may be a little early to have the guy around the kid. The relationship is still fresh. He's still getting to know you. You have to get things together between the two of you before you bring in your son.
 
i feel for you. i am a single mother now as well but my kids are way older than yours & I have girls....teenagers (14/17). I don't want to have a revolving door around here. I still do not bring anyone around them that i am not serious about or dating for a long time. since my ex & i broke up i brought one person. we are in turmoil now but for the last 5 years he is the only person. dating as a single mom is realy tough. If this current guy and i don't get back i will be on hiatus.

When i date guys, if you choose to pick me up you can wait for me outside my house. no need to come in. for what? no sleep overs no time hanging with the kids and i until i know that it is somethng serious.

it's tough but be careful with your child..he may get too attached and since his father isn't around he may also get confused as well.

take your time with it.
 
I am a single mother as well so my advice is... you should slowww down. I honestly think 4 months is too soon to have a man that you are dating involved in you son's life. Also, if your boyfriend is acting like this 4mths into the relationship, how is gonna act 2, 3 and 4 yrs into the relationship towards your son. As another poster said, you are a package and if he can't accpet that, then someone else will. I think he likes the benefits of being with you but he is not ready for the responsibilty of being with you, so more than likely you will have to accept it and deal with it or leave it alone.

As for the child's father, you can't force him to be a father either but you can file child support and do it now. My son's father is a sometimey father who helps and does for my son when he wants to and I use to stress and try to get him to see and deal with my son but not no more. I am filing child support as we speak. Trust me, you can't force no man to do nothing! Also, YOU DO NOT NEED THE STRESS!!! YOUR SON NEEDS HIS MOMMY!
 
Last edited:
What worries me about your message is the fact that you have a man you've been dating for only four months coming to your house "often" and spending time with your son.

You barely know a person in four months and in no way should you be trying to see if this man can be a father to your son... that should come after you've been together for a while and are talking about a permanent future together.

Please don't become one of the stereotypical single mothers folks talk about who end up having a stream of men coming in and out of a child's life. If this one doesn't work out, are you going to have the next man coming over often and spending time with your son until he doesn't work out, then the next one and the next one, etc., etc.

Even if this man is not interacting a lot with your son, kids form attachments. Kids know what's up... and the worst thing to do is have a kid start to like someone and then one day wonder why that person is no longer going to come and see him and play video games.

You and your man need to see each other outside of your home and if he's indeed a sweet guy and a "potential" husband/father in the future, he should understand that.


With the other issue, I'll leave that advice to the women who have experience with it, because I don't really know much about those types of situations.
 
LoveSponge said:
Also, if your current guy doesn't want to play with your son, take it for what it is. You know that saying "if someone shows you who they really are, believe them", well this guy is showing you he's not interested in dealing with your son. If your son needs a strong male figure in his life in the future and this guy is not willing to step up now, do you think he will step up in the future? If you really see a future with this guy, then I guess you should talk to him about it, but if his behavior doesn't change, there's nothing you can do, he has no obligation to your son.

This is just my opinion, and is in no way intended to offend anyone.
Click to expand...

This could be the case, but the guy's reluctance could also be because he doesn't want to form an attachment to a child when he may not be able to follow through with it.

I don't know the status of the OP's relationship with this man, but when you start taking other people's kids out and doing fatherly things with them, you are making a commitment to the mom. And at four months, this guy may be trying to still figure things out with the relationship and doesn't want to complicate things by trying to be a surrogate father.

Honestly, I really respect that. Sure, he could also just be disinterested in the kid, but the other part of me thinks that he's holding off for a reason... because again, they've only been together for four months!

Actually, I wonder why JereK feels that this man should be taking her son out... I think that's a lot to be asking and rather selfish... don't try to put responsibility on someone else to help clean up a decision that you made. I don't mean to be rude, but that's really what's going on here.
 
I agree with alot of what others have said. Honestly, 4 months is too son to have a man around your son. Also, not trying to be harsh but don't expect this man to be a father figure to your son. As a single mom ( have been one myself so I understand) you can't date with the expectation of finding a father figure for your child. If you don't have anyone to baby sit while you spend time with your boyfriend maybe you should consider not dating for a while at least until your child is older. Your priority now is to provide a stable home for you and your child. If you are going to expend any energy on a man, try to get the father to spend time with his son and seek the courts help in obtaining child support.
 
You have gotten some great advice. I'm going to tackle your son's relationship with his biological father. My mother was a single mother for a while and my father was pretty absent. She handled it this way-when I was younger she would never force me on my father but she always reached out with a phone call, etc. to say hey don't forget reallynow's b-day or, dance recital, school play. What he did with that information was up to him, but I was always accesible and she was always open. Did he respond in anyway, normally NOPE! When I got into the tweens/teens he wanted to be a part of my life on a regular basis so my mother let me decide (most of the time) and that answer was a resounding NOPE!

Looking back now that I am older I soooo appreciate my mother being the bigger person and regardless of what my father did she always made sure I was accessible to him. She never bad mouthed him, never even let me know that she was doing all of this until I was old enough to understand and not be disappointed when he did not come through.

I think you should at least reach out to your son's father, you have nothing to loose.
 
Speaking as a single mom myself..I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to put in time with my daughter and be a father figure unless we were getting married. In fact, I prefer they not be around her at all if the relationship isn't VERY serious. 4 months is early like others have said and it seems like this "daddy" thing isn't what he wants and he is not obligated to do it, your son is not his child. You need to ask him where he sees the relationship going and all if you really want him to stay around. I'll assume he knew you had a son before you were dating and if he doesn't like/want kids, he shouldn't be involved with you. Talk to the bio dad but you can't make him do anything but pay child support. I hope he decides to take part in his son's life. Good luck!
 
Why isn't he paying child support? Do you have an order? If not get that done tomorrow. You can't force your bf to be active in your son's life, it's not his child so it's not his responsibility. As far as the biological father do make an effort to include him in your sons life. Your son is young but he can draw pictures you can send to him, he can get on the phone and say hi. Call every week and let your son speak to him.
 
Bunny77 said:
This could be the case, but the guy's reluctance could also be because he doesn't want to form an attachment to a child when he may not be able to follow through with it.

I don't know the status of the OP's relationship with this man, but when you start taking other people's kids out and doing fatherly things with them, you are making a commitment to the mom. And at four months, this guy may be trying to still figure things out with the relationship and doesn't want to complicate things by trying to be a surrogate father.

Honestly, I really respect that. Sure, he could also just be disinterested in the kid, but the other part of me thinks that he's holding off for a reason... because again, they've only been together for four months!

Actually, I wonder why JereK feels that this man should be taking her son out... I think that's a lot to be asking and rather selfish... don't try to put responsibility on someone else to help clean up a decision that you made. I don't mean to be rude, but that's really what's going on here.
Click to expand...


I know you dont mean to be rude, and iam in no way offended and i do agree with what you said, i know iam not making the best choices which is why i needed some advice. But i have to say i cannot agree with the bold, although i was not married when i had my son but i didnt "make the decision" to be a single mom, I wanted his dad to be in life, his dad lives in florida, i have sent pictures of my son, let my son talk in his voicemail, and even mailed my sons drawings to him, but he just doesnt seem to really care. and yes i could kick myself that i let others guys around my son, but that is going to stop right now, i can still get to know this guy and still raise my child alone, i find myself with enormous amount of guilt, it hurts so much. Like I said before iam not offended by what you said, i appreciate the advice from everyone.
 
What I meant by decision that you made, I simply meant the fact that you got involved with that man and had a child by him, period. Whenever we do that -- whether it's with someone we married, didn't marry, someone who stays with us forever or someone who leaves us, we have to accept it as all part of the choices that we made and we have to live with the results, good or bad.

Unfortunately, your ex turned out to be not so great. That doesn't mean you're a bad person or a bad mother, but it means that you just have to deal with the consequences of having your ex act like a donkey with your son.

You don't have to beat yourself up for that and you're doing the best you can... but my main point was that you and your son's father had the relationship that created your wonderful son, so it's completely unfair to expect your new BF to take on the responsibility that your ex should be handling.

Leave the new BF out of this and focus on the man you had a child with... the new BF has nothing to do with what went down between you and your child's father.

Meanwhile, I hope it works out with your son and his father... I do know it's tough... if I came off as abrasive, it's because I get really bothered when I see kids getting in the middle of adult issues.

So don't beat yourself up anymore, but just recognize the real issue here (your ex) and work on that and don't look to other men to be surrogate fathers unless they make that commitment of their own free will.

Good luck!
 
Last edited:
I would say, don't have your son so involved with BF. Your son will start to see him as a father figure. If sadly, things don't work out with you and BF, your son will be heartbroken as well. Now, take the heartbreak from bio dad's absence, add the heartbreak from this guy and add the heartbreak of other possible men in your life. The boy doesn't need that.

Talk to your BF about his view about your son. Perhaps he isnt getting involved because he doesn't want to lead your son on so soon.
 
thank you ladies for the responses, i feel like i have support, i just called his dad and he said its all my fault and hung up the phone. honeslty i cant take it it hurts me too much, he doesnt want to be a part of my sons life and although its a hard pill to swallow i have to accept it. yes i cried, it hurt but i will be strong. and i will ease down on the bf and my son. i really need to focus on my son and looking after his best interest. thank you guys.
 
JereK said:
thank you ladies for the responses, i feel like i have support, i just called his dad and he said its all my fault and hung up the phone. honeslty i cant take it it hurts me too much, he doesnt want to be a part of my sons life and although its a hard pill to swallow i have to accept it. yes i cried, it hurt but i will be strong. and i will ease down on the bf and my son. i really need to focus on my son and looking after his best interest. thank you guys.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you are on the right track! Be strong for you and your son.:yep:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

TamaraShaniece
Rant/Vent: My BFs Son...plz ladies w/ blended families.
2
Replies
54
Views
2K
Britt
Britt
FunkyMunky
Am I Out of Line????
Replies
21
Views
573
firecracker
firecracker
I
What Makes a Good Father?
Replies
19
Views
319
awhyley
awhyley
J
He can't take the baby daddy drama
2
Replies
55
Views
1K
chocolat79
chocolat79
ClassyJSP
Single Mom
2
Replies
41
Views
1K
Kimbosheart
Kimbosheart
Back
Top