What is reasonable in this situation?

monie20032007

monie20032007

Well-Known Member
Ok I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. So basically my boyfriend was trying to date this one girl, we'll call her "Mary", before he asked me out, but she turned them down. After me and him got together he would tell me how he didn't talk to her because he had a grudge against her for turning him down. One day he pulled up his facebook to show me something and I saw that they had been chatting and confronted him about it. He ended up saying that they had become friends again and they were just having friendly conversation. Would it be reasonable for me to ask him to stop talking to her? I mean I know that he's going to do what he wants anyway, so there is prob not a point in asking him to do that. I just don't know what exactly to ask from him.

ETA: I'm afraid that if I ask him to stop talking to her, he would still do it but just try to hide it from me. I just cant be in a relationship with constant wondering if he is secretly talking to her. He is secretive anyway so that bothers me even more. And plus, if I wouldn't have seen that on facebook he was never going to tell me about this.
 
Last edited:
I think that you should ask him to do whatever you feel is appropriate. If it makes you uncomfortable that he is talking to "Mary" i definitely say ask him to stop. If he values your relationship more than the one he has with "Mary" then he wont think twice about damaging what he has with you for a girl he doesn't/shouldn't want.

Ask him to put himself in your shoes, would he like it if you talked privately to an old flame/crush/etc? I'm sure his answer would be no, especially if you two are serious. I hope it goes well! Good luck with whatever you decide!
 
I would leave it alone for now, sit back and observe. Something about the whole situation doesn't sit right with me. Why hold a grudge against her? If he was angry with her, why continue to chat and persist, when you said yes and he has you in his life? Be careful with him. How long have you two been seeing each other?
 
hmmm....i think u r well within your limits if you tell him that talkin to Mary makes you uncomfortable, considering that u already kno he would like to date her if she hadnt turned him down.

You already know he is/was interested & prolly finds her attractive. i would not be happy w/ my bf having private fbook chats w/ someone he prolly fantasizes about.

I would at least tell him how i feel, cuz trust he wouldnt let u talk to "Bobby" if the tables were turned!
 
Say nothing and watch. He will definitely hide it from you if you try to force them apart. If he is going to slip up, it will be easier to see this when he feels your not watching him.
 
hopeful said:
I would leave it alone for now, sit back and observe. Something about the whole situation doesn't sit right with me. Why hold a grudge against her? If he was angry with her, why continue to chat and persist, when you said yes and he has you in his life? Be careful with him. How long have you two been seeing each other?
Click to expand...

He's holding a grudge, cause he's still holding feelings. If he had moved on, he wouldn't have even mentioned it (that grudge) to the OP. In fact, she only found out about their chats by accident. I agree that this is one of those 'wait and see' situations. Keep your eyes open OP and don't play second-fiddle.
 
If he still holds a grudge against her, I think he may still have feelings for her. I agree with the other ladies. Sit back and watch him. He is less likely to take the extra step to hide things if he doesn't know you are watching him.
 
hopeful said:
I would leave it alone for now, sit back and observe. Something about the whole situation doesn't sit right with me. Why hold a grudge against her? If he was angry with her, why continue to chat and persist, when you said yes and he has you in his life? Be careful with him. How long have you two been seeing each other?
Click to expand...

It has been almost two years. I talked to him yesterday about it and he asked me if i wanted him to stop talking to her and i told him yes, and that i knew that he would just hide it from me again if he was talking to her. He insists they are just friends and that it has been so long ago since he tried to get with her, but to me it doesn't matter how long its been because if he was once attracted to her, there is nothing stopping him from being attracted to her again.
 
Well I suppose you had to get it off your chest and your feelings are legitimate but the only thing you can do now is to observe what happens next. Drop the subject now.
 
I think your biggest issue is that he is secretive in general. I don't like that. If I were you I'd focus less on this girl (for now) and get to the bottom of his secretiveness. Like is he shy and private or a sneaky person who has something to hide. Just be careful. You've already invested two years in this relationship. Make sure you are investing wisely as your youth, beauty, heart, time and energy are valuable.
 
hopeful said:
I think your biggest issue is that he is secretive in general. I don't like that. If I were you I'd focus less on this girl (for now) and get to the bottom of his secretiveness. Like is he shy and private or a sneaky person who has something to hide. Just be careful. You've already invested two years in this relationship. Make sure you are investing wisely as your youth, beauty, heart, time and energy are valuable.
Click to expand...

Yea, he is a really good guy but i think he just secretive/private in general when it comes to his business i guess. One example: Me and him used to go to the same church and I left a few years ago to go to another church. He would always tell me the latest scoop about things going on there (funerals, people leaving, drama etc.) So one day I was in the car w/ him and his uncle and his uncle (assuming I already knew I guess) had asked him if he had talked to the pastor about him planning on leaving the church and I was like "you're leaving the church?!!" I mean it wasn't a big deal in the sense that he was leaving, it was just the fact that he could tell all the gossip about other people, but when it came to his business, he wasn't even gonna tell me that. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said that he would have eventually told me. I was like "yea, that's because your uncle said something about it" I dunno, its just stuff like that...
 
I don't even see how you could allow a guy to be in your presence after he straight up told you that he's mad at another woman for not going out with him. WTF? He betta GTFOOHWTBS and focus on being grateful for the time he has with YOU. Ninjas...
 
Last edited:
Browndilocks said:
I don't even see how you could allow a guy to be in your presence after he straight up told you that he's mad at another woman for not going out with him. WTF? He betta GTFOOHWTBS and focus on being grateful for the time he has with YOU. Ninjas...
Click to expand...

Well he didn't just come up to me and say "I don't talk to that girl because she didn't go out with me" but he was just saying that they used to talk before but then they stopped talking after she turned him down and he was saying how she tried to speak to him in the hall way one day and he was wondering why she was talking to him then since she dissed him.
 
OKay to the ladies telling her to sit back and observe, exactly how long is this observing supposed to take.
Wait till he rolls up in her and tells her it's over and he and ol girl are now dating?
Wait till she finds sexy pics send btwn them?

In the meantime OP been sitting there professing her love and the dude is elsewhere.


IMO, OP this is not a man you have a future with simply based on the fact that he STILL has feeling for another woman. You do not know what he and "mary" are talking about, laughing about, sharing intimate talk. Dang, he probably thinks of her when he's sexing you. :nono:

Personally, i would not do that to myself. There's nothing as bad as being in love with a man/woman who is in love with someone else. You simply CANNOT win!!!!

But if you have time and years to waste then i guess sit back and observe.
 
zenith said:
OKay to the ladies telling her to sit back and observe, exactly how long is this observing supposed to take.
Wait till he rolls up in her and tells her it's over and he and ol girl are now dating?
Wait till she finds sexy pics send btwn them?

In the meantime OP been sitting there professing her love and the dude is elsewhere.


IMO, OP this is not a man you have a future with simply based on the fact that he STILL has feeling for another woman. You do not know what he and "mary" are talking about, laughing about, sharing intimate talk. Dang, he probably thinks of her when he's sexing you. :nono:

Personally, i would not do that to myself. There's nothing as bad as being in love with a man/woman who is in love with someone else. You simply CANNOT win!!!!

But if you have time and years to waste then i guess sit back and observe.
Click to expand...

Thanks for you response. I agree, I was not comfortable w/ sitting back and waiting for other events to take place before speaking my mind about it. I talked to him and he insisted that nothing was going on. I asked him how I was supposed to believe that when he was hiding it from me and he just said I would have to trust him :perplexed While I do believe he didn't cheat, I don't feel comfortable with the fact that he hid it from me. I dunno...
 
OP I think he might still have feelings for this other woman. Why else would he continue to chat with someone who supposedly dissed him? He also supposedly had a "grudge" against her right? Do you know anyone personally who takes time out of their day to chat with someone they hold a grudge against?

hmmmm

his actions are beyond fishy. The fact that you feel he is so secretive is a big red alarm. Don't ignore your gut instincts for one second. If you feel something is not right then you're absolutely right. My instincts have yet to steered me wrong. The only time i pay the price is when i choose to ignore what my gut is telling me.

I wish you the best in dealing with this situation :)
 
Etherealsmile26 said:
OP I think he might still have feelings for this other woman. Why else would he continue to chat with someone who supposedly dissed him? He also supposedly had a "grudge" against her right? Do you know anyone personally who takes time out of their day to chat with someone they hold a grudge against?

hmmmm

his actions are beyond fishy. The fact that you feel he is so secretive is a big red alarm. Don't ignore your gut instincts for one second. If you feel something is not right then you're absolutely right. My instincts have yet to steered me wrong. The only time i pay the price is when i choose to ignore what my gut is telling me.

I wish you the best in dealing with this situation :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for your input:yep:
 
UPDATE: We ended up breaking up because we kept arguing because I was questioning him about it so that's the end of that...We are in the same class together so it was little awkward at first seeing him after it all happened and I was so angry, but now its better as far as us talking goes. It's on to the next one...
 
(((hugs))) Sorry about the break up but it was probably for the best. I hope your next guy is more open with you and more mature.
 
Thank you, I do feel it was for the best. Right now I'm just taking time off to be by myself because I never really gave myself a chance to do that before I got into this one.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

I
What do you make out of this situation?
Replies
3
Views
114
ThickHair
T
Mari-Cris
How would you handle this situation?
Replies
6
Views
243
Mari-Cris
Mari-Cris
G
How Would You Approach This Situation....?
Replies
20
Views
886
lux10023
L
N
Why Do I Feel Bad?
2
Replies
39
Views
967
Lenee925
Lenee925
M
I'm getting the feeling he's no longer interested..
2 3
Replies
69
Views
4K
Keen
Keen
Back
Top