"Wait at least four hours to answer a guy's first text...

[SurferBabe]

...and a minimum of thirty minutes thereafter." (and longer the older you are)

I'd like to specify that this rule applies to any man you have just met before he has taken you out.

This is the name of a chapter in the newest The Rules book titled Not your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating

This particular rule has been receiving quite a bit of attention from book reviewers--much of it negative. Those who oppose it feel that making a man wait an extended period of time for a reply to a text is playing games. Some ladies who absolutely adore The Rules have cast this one rule out for this reason. Why the controversy?

I actually purchased the e-book because I love The Rules and I needed something new to read. After reading this chapter I must say that I completely agree with the authors' reasoning. Texting has created an expectation of instant gratification. Before cellphones, if a man wanted to reach out to you he either had to wait until you got home from work, school, dinner, volunteering, etc... to call you on the landline OR he had to set a date and time to see you in person. Now all it takes is a minute or two to send you a text and he has your full attention throughout the day. This rule encourages women to stop treating their cellphones like a 24/7 instant messenger. If he's chatty, he should ask you out and talk about all of that stuff in person--preferably over lunch/dinner . Too much texting gives a man free all day companionship and entertainment .

What say you ladies? Is it playing games or setting standards?

BTW, I can post a basic breakdown of that chapter if interested, just didn't want this post to be too long. The rule doesn't require you to actually count 4 hours from the first text--but to text back at particular times during the day depending on when he sends the first text. Sounds complicated but it actually makes a lot of sense for people who prefer physical human interaction to sending paragraphs back and forth all day.

 

[C@ssandr@]

It all depends. How long have we known this guy? What does his text say? etc. 4 hours is a long time to respond to a text.

 

[petitefille]

I think the younger you are, the more bullsh!t this looks. Nowadays NOBODY is without their phone for more than 10 minutes. Unless you work in fast food, retail, or a factory, there's really no reason you're not periodically checking your phone. Most people not only use their phone for talking and texting, but also for checking the time, playing games and surfing the internet.

Anyone who always takes a considerable time to answer texts is obviously playing games, and only an obtuse person would fail to realize this.

I agree that you should set limits. Don't be texting all day or every few minutes. At some point you've got to be like "I'm heading to the gym, ttyl!" and talk to them the next day. But this business of purposefully waiting hours to respond? Nobody's buying that anymore, it's not 1998.

 

[faithVA]

I don't necessarily text back immediately. I text back when convenient. It depends on what the message says and whether I want to have a text conversation at that moment. I also do not keep my cell phone on me while at home.

I don't answer every call immediately. I will often let them go to voicemail. I treat text the same way. Not playing games. I am just living my life and keeping my phone secondary to what I have to do.

 

[Lucie]

4 hours seems a bit long but I do believe in setting standards..

 

[petitefille]

I don't necessarily text back immediately. I text back when convenient. It depends on what the message says and whether I want to have a text conversation at that moment. I also do not keep my cell phone on me while at home.

I don't answer every call immediately. I will often let them go to voicemail. I treat text the same way. Not playing games. I am just living my life and keeping my phone secondary to what I have to do.

Well yeah, if a guy texts asking "what are your hopes and dreams?" It's probably best to suggest having that conversation in person. But if someone texts just saying "hey what's up" for most young people it doesn't take that long to respond. Especially when after every text you're waiting over half an hour, and that's just ridiculous. If you're busy you can also text back that you're busy and will talk to them later. It's commom courtesy.

Sent from my SGH-I747M using LHCF

 

[faithVA]

Well yeah, if a guy texts asking "what are your hopes and dreams?" It's probably best to suggest having that conversation in person. But if someone texts just saying "hey what's up" for most young people it doesn't take that long to respond. Especially when after every text you're waiting over half an hour, and that's just ridiculous. If you're busy you can also text back that you're busy and will talk to them later. It's commom courtesy.

Sent from my SGH-I747M using LHCF

I was merely responding to the OPs post and stating what I do. If responding immediately works for people, cool. I grew up before so many things were instant. The old way works best for me.

 

[CarLiTa]

So, what exactly does that accomplish?erplexed

Sounds like a value-less standard to me. There's so much more important stuff and more valuable ways of relaying a message about yourself than how long it takes for you to respond to a text message.

 

[hopeful]

I think I would pass on that rule. Many of the rules are spot on, but this one seems kinda silly to me. I would be hurt if someone I liked waited four hours to respond to my texts very often.

 

[SurferBabe]

It all depends. How long have we known this guy? What does his text say? etc. 4 hours is a long time to respond to a text.

This rule only applies to men you have just met before they've asked you out on a few dates. Say you met a man at an event and the two of you exchanged numbers. From that point on, texting should be kept at a minimum until he starts securing dates. As radical as it sounds, this is how courtship has played out for a very long time. There were not quick and convenient ways to communicate outside of physical meetings and an evening phone call once he was sure you were home. It is assumed that at a certain age, you have a fairly busy life and trying to hurry up and text between client meetings or while in the middle of happy hour margaritas with the girls just isn't convenient. If you want to talk politics, work, family life, etc... take me out to dinner this weekend. Obviously, this rule would not apply to an exclusive boyfriend.

 

[RocStar]

I think the younger you are, the more bullsh!t this looks. Nowadays NOBODY is without their phone for more than 10 minutes. Unless you work in fast food, retail, or a factory, there's really no reason you're not periodically checking your phone. Most people not only use their phone for talking and texting, but also for checking the time, playing games and surfing the internet.

Anyone who always takes a considerable time to answer texts is obviously playing games, and only an obtuse person would fail to realize this.

I agree that you should set limits. Don't be texting all day or every few minutes. At some point you've got to be like "I'm heading to the gym, ttyl!" and talk to them the next day. But this business of purposefully waiting hours to respond? Nobody's buying that anymore, it's not 1998.

There are a lot of people that work in a variety of jobs that don't have their phone on them at all times. I know a lot of companies that do not allow personal use of cell phones (including texting) during work hours (unless you are on break or lunch). So I don't think it is realistic to say that people do not have access to their phone for more than 10 minutes.

I personally don't like text conversations, especially with men. If we need to have a conversation, please call me. If you are running late or have a question then a text is fine.

But then again, I really liked 1998.

 

[SurferBabe]

So, what exactly does that accomplish?erplexed

Sounds like a value-less standard to me. There's so much more important stuff and more valuable ways of relaying a message about yourself than how long it takes for you to respond to a text message.

It's not just about relaying a message about yourself--though if that were the only reason for this rule, I would agree with you. It also serves to protect the woman from becoming too emotionally invested in a man she's just met before he has truly made his intentions clear. I didn't specify in the OP that this rule applies to men you've just met BEFORE he has taken you out. The man securing a few dates with you is the first step to showing genuine interest. Before this happens, how much casual communication really needs to be done? Also, if he wants quicker answers, he can always pick up the phone and call.

 

[hopeful]

See your responses. Yes, before a date, I would be pretty nonchalant about texts. He needs to be calling and trying to take you out.

 

[SurferBabe]

There are a lot of people that work in a variety of jobs that don't have their phone on them at all times. I know a lot of companies that do not allow personal use of cell phones (including texting) during work hours (unless you are on break or lunch). So I don't think it is realistic to say that people do not have access to their phone for more than 10 minutes.

I personally don't like text conversations, especially with men. If we need to have a conversation, please call me. If you are running late or have a question then a text is fine.

But then again, I really liked 1998.

I agree! I used to be really bad about frequent text conversations with guys who were not exclusive or at least heading there, and I feel like it always made things move too fast. I'm also a bit suspicious of men who try to hold long text conversations during work hours but disappear in the evening. Screams gf or married to me. If you really want to chat, give me an evening phone call and let's get out and see one another.

 

[Victorian]

Whatever you do, just be real about it. If you're playing games, it will likely come across. If you're not, then that will come across too.

Here's my reality: I love plenty of things about the cell phone, but the way it has created this expectation that you're always clutching your phone and ready to respond right away to everything drives me ****** insane. I will respond when I am able to and feel like it. No, I do not check my phone every 10 minutes, especially if I'm at work. At home sometimes my phone is in another room charging or whatever. I just don't feel pressed about it. If I'm expecting communication from someone I'll naturally be checking my phone more often, but otherwise I see your message whenever I see it. Might be 2 minutes, might be 2 hours. This applies to everybody, men and women, no matter how long I've known you--even my own family. Folks know to call if it's important.

Guys who are used to texting a lot and getting instant replies might feel some kinda way at first if you aren't the type to always be on your phone--But if you are coming from a genuine place you can just explain it to him with no issue. I know because I've had to do it more than once, even recently with someone I've gone out with several times already. He's a phone junkie and I'm not, that's all. He didn't get upset or accuse me of playing games or anything. He did call me first the next time he wanted to go out though, so...I understand where the rule is coming from.

Deliberately waiting four hours when you don't have any real reason to take that long seems like nonsense to me, though

 

[RoseGolden]

The 4 hour rule is only for the very first text he ever sends you. They recommend a minimum of 30 minutes for every text after that varying the length of time between replies so that it isn't obvious and predictable. I don't think it's a bad rule.

 

[Victorian]

*shrug* I just think 4 hours is excessive to be faking it, even if it's the first message.

I'd say just respond naturally while keeping in mind that being constantly easily available can have a negative impact on the courting phase. From there, just do you. Sometimes you'll see the message right away and sometimes you won't. There will naturally be variation in when you respond, you needn't calculate the optimal response rate based on time of day and zodiac.

I haven't read this new book, but I will say as someone who has doubted The Rules, read them and tried and failed to apply them, and now "get them"...It's hard to follow them unless you're already living them. Don't focus on following a recipe, but just try to understand that The Rules don't come from nowhere. If you feel fake and contrived doing it, you will be fake. One day when you're more concerned about yourself than getting a guy to like you, you'll realize that The Rules just end up "in effect" even though you weren't trying to follow them. My experience and my two cents.

 

[ladysaraii]

I just ordered this book so I'm excited to read it.

I dont have a problem with it. As a matter of fact, I'm considering giving any guys I meet my home phone and not my cell phone #, at least initially. Not everyone needs to have instant access to you. And even if they get it, doesn't mean I have to or will be able to respond immediately

 

[PeaceFlow]

I usually don't care about guys in initial stages, so me not texting back promptly is usually because they are not a priority in my life.

This goes for budding friendships and women too. The less I know a person, the less I am inclined I am to feel I need to contact them back immediately.

 

[vani]

I think it doesn't make any sense. I don't like there "rules" book.

I prefer spontaneity.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I think the younger you are, the more bullsh!t this looks. Nowadays NOBODY is without their phone for more than 10 minutes. Unless you work in fast food, retail, or a factory, there's really no reason you're not periodically checking your phone. Most people not only use their phone for talking and texting, but also for checking the time, playing games and surfing the internet.

Anyone who always takes a considerable time to answer texts is obviously playing games, and only an obtuse person would fail to realize this.

I agree that you should set limits. Don't be texting all day or every few minutes. At some point you've got to be like "I'm heading to the gym, ttyl!" and talk to them the next day. But this business of purposefully waiting hours to respond? Nobody's buying that anymore, it's not 1998.

I seriously chuckled out loud. This is true.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I get the reasoning behind it, but I think making it a "rule" is weird. I will say that my SO always talks about how when we first started "talking", I guess (after flirtiness but before he asked me out), he would text me and I would answer back the next day or ignore his call. I'm always aloof with my phone but I really liked him so I probably wouldn't have intentionally waited that long FOR HIM. The truth is that I had food poisoning so I was busy Anyway, the point is that I don't really remember that but he still retells that as part of the story like "So I was like...why isn't she answering me back? Is she on a date? Is she not interested? She gave me just enough to let me know she was interested and that's it. So I had talk to her!" It's almost like the lack of communication made him buy into the hype of me But, then, he's one of those guys that fits the description of the men in those rule books to the "T" (it's weird; he is literally the man who loves b**ches, textbook style) so that might not have the same effect on other men.

I don't think it's wise to implement this hard and fast rule and always wait 4 hours, but I think the main point is very smart and necessary in the initial stage of getting to know each other. The point, IMO, is: the woman shouldn't be TOO eager. You may answer back right away, but don't sit there texting back and forth ALL day like he has your attention already and all he had to do was type some words on his phone.

Like I said, I've observed this by accident because I just happen to be careless with my phone (or sick) but I have noticed the difference in how people treat my time when it works this way vs. when I'm overly enthusiastic and receptive to communication without cause (which I can also be sometimes ).

 

[Kurlee]

more game playing. I don't have time for that.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I think the younger you are, the more bullsh!t this looks. Nowadays NOBODY is without their phone for more than 10 minutes. Unless you work in fast food, retail, or a factory, there's really no reason you're not periodically checking your phone. Most people not only use their phone for talking and texting, but also for checking the time, playing games and surfing the internet.

Anyone who always takes a considerable time to answer texts is obviously playing games, and only an obtuse person would fail to realize this.

I agree that you should set limits. Don't be texting all day or every few minutes. At some point you've got to be like "I'm heading to the gym, ttyl!" and talk to them the next day. But this business of purposefully waiting hours to respond? Nobody's buying that anymore, it's not 1998.

This is true for the most part,but not always for most people. I always have my phone but I can't/won't respond between hours when I'm in rehearsal. My SO can't respond when he's in court. Nobody should be responding on a date or having a dinner with friends. So--and again, I don't think it's smart to sit up there and literally wait 4 hours intentionally. It's kind of lame, actually--it shouldn't necessarily make a person think you're playing games. It may spur them to want to proactively set up a time to see and spend time with you.

So, I agree that purposefully waiting hours is odd--unless you honestly don't have time for that. But, I don't think we've reached a point in time when it's unreasonable to wait hours for a response from somebody who you haven't made your feelings clear for.

On an unrelated note: I appreciate technology, but I hate that it makes people so available. Sometimes I just want to smash my phone, set my personal email to "out of office," and go off the grid

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Ooo...there's a NEW "Rules" book out?? Where??



Anyway, I sort of agree with this rule, and sort of don't. erplexed

On the ONE hand, I do this myself. I don't wait 4 hours to respond to a guy I've just met, but I DO wait at least an hour from his FIRST text to respond. Especially if I'm at work. When I'm at work, my cell phone is usually OFF anyway since the service here is so bad it just drains my battery searching for service. So, I think that if you're at WORK during work hours, than 1 hour - even 4 hours isn't so far fetched. But now if you're ignoring his text mssg after work hours, or during the weekends, THEN I'd start to get suspicious.


I see the general principle behind this rule though. Don't appear to be TOO eager. I too wish that life could go back to the simpler days when everything wasn't soooooo "instant gratification mode". It has made people very INCONSIDERATE and impatient. Just WAIT for goodness sakes! Sheesh! People have actually lost the art of actually WAITING.

Not only that, but I've noticed too that when I allow a guy to just have back and forth text message conversations with me, things don't ever really go anywhere. If he's just nervous about talking on the phone, then that's one thing...but if he's doing the MAJORITY of his contacting of me by TEXT?? Oh no boo.... He has to go. Sorry.. Any guy who has been GENUINELY interested in me and a relationship w/me has called me hands down. I don't care how technologically advanced we've become, calling is still the NUMBER ONE way to get in touch w/someone that you REALLY want to get in touch with.

Do you text prospective employers to see if they've received your resume? Do you TEXT EMT 911 to come get you in an emergency situation? Do you text someone you've been desperately trying to reach for weeks?

Think about it!! The same is with men who are TRULY into you.

 

[Kalani]

Ooo...there's a NEW "Rules" book out?? Where??



Anyway, I sort of agree with this rule, and sort of don't. erplexed

On the ONE hand, I do this myself. I don't wait 4 hours to respond to a guy I've just met, but I DO wait at least an hour from his FIRST text to respond. Especially if I'm at work. When I'm at work, my cell phone is usually OFF anyway since the service here is so bad it just drains my battery searching for service. So, I think that if you're at WORK during work hours, than 1 hour - even 4 hours isn't so far fetched. But now if you're ignoring his text mssg after work hours, or during the weekends, THEN I'd start to get suspicious.


I see the general principle behind this rule though. Don't appear to be TOO eager. I too wish that life could go back to the simpler days when everything wasn't soooooo "instant gratification mode". It has made people very INCONSIDERATE and impatient. Just WAIT for goodness sakes! Sheesh! People have actually lost the art of actually WAITING.


Not only that, but I've noticed too that when I allow a guy to just have back and forth text message conversations with me, things don't ever really go anywhere. If he's just nervous about talking on the phone, then that's one thing...but if he's doing the MAJORITY of his contacting of me by TEXT?? Oh no boo.... He has to go. Sorry.. Any guy who has been GENUINELY interested in me and a relationship w/me has called me hands down. I don't care how technologically advanced we've become, calling is still the NUMBER ONE way to get in touch w/someone that you REALLY want to get in touch with.

Do you text prospective employers to see if they've received your resume? Do you TEXT EMT 911 to come get you in an emergency situation? Do you text someone you've been desperately trying to reach for weeks?

Think about it!! The same is with men who are TRULY into you.

I agree. Not only is the art of waiting lost but I think people are addicted to their smartphones. So many folks can't go 15 minutes without looking at it...I'm sorry but that is excessive. It's also annoying to see little screens lit up in the dark while in a movie theater and being interrupted in the middle of lunch conversation at a restaurant while your friend stops to respond to a text or fb post. . I'm so over it!

 

[CarLiTa]

I see. If it is about ensuring that a guy calls you on the phone to set up Date #1, then why didn't the authors just say that? Because people reading and trying to follow the rules could easily be misguided otherwise.

Personally, I think that: if you have to actively hold yourself back, then you're already caught up and in trouble.

If you need to put yourself on a 4-hour timeline not to respond, then you're likely already too invested You don't have to actively tell yourself not to do anything that you in fact aren't pressed to do. Keep doing you, even with the addition of someone new.

Side note: I don't know how other people feel about this, but I think it is odd that adults can spend the entire work day texting each other, or can stay up literally the entire night on the phone with one another. What about their jobs? It doesn't seem worth it to risk getting fired just to send "lol smiley face" texts to someone you're flirting with

 

[FelaShrine]

There are a lot of people that work in a variety of jobs that don't have their phone on them at all times. I know a lot of companies that do not allow personal use of cell phones (including texting) during work hours (unless you are on break or lunch). S

I was just about to say that uh..some people actually have jobs

and true dat..1998 was great!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I agree. Not only is the art of waiting lost but I think people are addicted to their smartphones. So many folks can't go 15 minutes without looking at it...I'm sorry but that is excessive. It's also annoying to see little screens lit up in the dark while in a movie theater and being interrupted in the middle of lunch conversation at a restaurant while your friend stops to respond to a text or fb post. . I'm so over it!

UGH! Tell me about it!!!

How did people get sooo addicted to their hand-held devices?? erplexed. I'm speaking as a self-proclaimed addict myself lol.... I'm not as bad as SOME people, but I DO find it difficult to leave my phone alone for longer than 15 min if I'm away from work. I'm getting better though...

Oh, and people checking their phones every two seconds when they're out with you (ESPECIALLY if it's just the TWO of you) is SO annoying...not to mention RUDE! I'm like, I'm actually right here in front of your face, flesh and blood, and yet you're STILL glued to your cell phone?

ARRRRRHGGHGHGH!!

 

[greenandchic]

I think 4 hours is a bit excessive but I do agree with keeping texting to a minimum before the first date. I'm not a big fan of "how r u?", "watcha doin", etc, type texts from guys I don't yet know - call me on the phone or invite me to coffee/dinner if you want to talk. Then again, I'm not a big fan of texting in general though I do send about 1000/mo depending on who I'm texting and why. I'm not a phone person but I prefer that over reading a bunch of broken English (I do write in complete sentences when texting).

To deliberately wait four hours is game playing, but if I'm on a flight, working, out for the evening (movies, dinner, concert, etc), at the gym, driving, sleeping, then that person (whoever it is) has to wait.

Back in the day, we had pagers. When we got a page, we had to find a payphone just to respond, LOL. I could be hours depending on where you were.