VENT Alert: He's too damn passive and it's driving me up the frickin' wall!!

Serenity_Peace

Serenity_Peace

Genius never dies!
I consider myself a very progressive woman in my politics, but in my personal life, I believe that chivalry is NOT dead. I also believe that in many instances a man should take charge, making decisions when I can't or won't, and just handle the business where I'm not as adept.

So ladies, as I told my story before, I am hanging out with this guy who is very sweet, very nice and treats me well. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I've told him many times that I don't feel the same. Well, after having many conversations with him we are just hanging out as friends, but some things have happened over the course of a few weeks that have reaffirmed the fact that I don't want him, am not interested in him, and confirmed that he's not the one for me. Let me tell you about several things that happened:

A few weeks ago, I moved into a new home. I asked him and another friend to help me move some heavy furniture. Well, for nearly the entire time, he just sat there on boxes and wouldn't help. I had to help my other friend move some heavy boxes. My other friend (also a male) asked me why he (my friend) wouldn't help. I couldn't figure it out. So I ended up paying the other friend all the money that I would've split between the two of them. I told my friend that I didn't appreciate the fact that he didn't help much with the move and that it would be the last time that I would ask him to do anything.

So this past weekend, I am house sitting for some friends of mine who are vacationing in England for a few weeks. Well, one night I invited my friend over and we had pizza. I thought I heard some noise upstairs and that someone was in the house. (It's a huge house!) So I ask him to kind help me scope out the house. We got knives, bats, etc. Well, don't you know he was a scaredy cat!?!! Yes, that's right. He walked right behind me, acting like he was too frightened. I was pissed! So essentially I was behaving like the man, the protector, and he was acting as if he were the damsel in distress. After checking the house, we finished the pizza and I sent him home.:wallbash::wallbash:

Passive-aggressive behavior: as I reflected on the events of that day, I had thought about his passive behavior. I made eggs and toast for breakfast once for him. Now, I might not be Rachel Ray, but I know that my arse can cook! Well, he didn't eat 1/2 of his eggs. I asked him if he liked the meal. He said that the meal was good. After pressing the issue several times, he confessed that he didn't like the eggs because I had seasoned them with pepper. He doesn't like pepper. So essentially not only did he lie, I would have been making meals that he didn't like because I love to use many different types of seasonings in my foods. I freakin' hate passive-aggressiveness! This guy wasn't even man enough to tell me the truth about how he felt.

So ladies, basically this is my vent. I learned more about myself and what I really want out of a man dealing with this guy. I have no tolerance for passive men, no matter how nice they are. I get the feeling that I do want the man to be more aggressive and self-assured. I wonder if I'm alone out there...
 
Serenity_Peace said:
So ladies, basically this is my vent. I learned more about myself and what I really want out of a man dealing with this guy. I have no tolerance for passive men, no matter how nice they are. I get the feeling that I do want the man to be more aggressive and self-assured. I wonder if I'm alone out there...
Click to expand...


No, you're not alone. I can not STAND passive men, they give me the creeps. How the heck are you going to lead a household and protect your family if you can't even open your mouth and speak up about simple things.

I need a man who is a strong lead. As soon as I get any indication that he isn't, I'm out. I don't have time for any of that role reversal mess. You:MAN Me:WOMAN.
 
MizAvalon said:
Yeah, the not helping carry boxes definitely sounds like laziness. Why did he even bother coming if he wasn't going to help?
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My question exactly?? OP, what reason did he give for not helping out??? Personally, I would have to cut all ties...sweet or not, I can't stand people that don't speak up for themselves and are honest. He seems to be trying to please you and therefore not speaking up for himself....I mean as a friend, I want you to give me the real deal, what you think and if I can't trust you to do that...then really what is your point in my life!?
 
I don't think it's laziness, per say. I just think this guy is slow to act and is passive. Other passive-aggressive incidents:

1. We order 1/2 n 1/2 pizza. I like pepperoni, he likes sausage. The order comes back and the entire thing is pepperoni. Instead of sending it back, he eats the pepperoni knowing that he doesn't like it. I'm like: "why are you eating pepperoni when we both know that you don't like it." He: "it's o.k. I'll eat it." Me: "let's return it and get the correct order." I ended up requesting a reorder.

2. I'm a liberal Democrat. He is a conservative Repug...I mean, Republican. We have arguments, strong disagreements about political issues. Every argument seems to end with: "yeah, you're right. I think I'll go with what you said." Now he's talking about switching his affiliation to Democrat. O.K., so I know that I am a champion debator, but I ain't that good.:ohwell:

3. He's looking to buy a new flat screen t.v. We go to Best Buy and he's looking around, stupid and dopey. The salesguy looks at me with a quixotic look on his face wondering what's wrong with him. So I had to take charge. I tell the salesguy that he is looking for flat screens and exactly what he wants rather than him taking the lead. He just stands there acting as if he just stepped into Wonderland. I'm like: "why don't you speak up for what you want, dammit!!!" :nono:

4. We're in the car. I like my air conditioning on high when it's blazing outside. I ask him if he's o.k. He reassures me that he's comfortable. We're in the car for a 35 minute drive. He's wearing shorts. I can see the bumps forming on his skin and his hands shaking. We get to our destination and get out the car. He let's out a big sigh. I ask him if he's o.k. He says: "it was cold!" WTF??!!??? I'm like: "why didn't you tell me that you were cold?!!???!!":wallbash::wallbash:
 
Blackoutzangel05 said:
My question exactly?? OP, what reason did he give for not helping out??? Personally, I would have to cut all ties...sweet or not, I can't stand people that don't speak up for themselves and are honest. He seems to be trying to please you and therefore not speaking up for himself....I mean as a friend, I want you to give me the real deal, what you think and if I can't trust you to do that...then really what is your point in my life!?
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You're absolutely right. I told him that he wasn't helping and he never did give me a reason for why he didn't help. He just sat there most of the time, sulking and having an attitude problem. My other friend even pointed it out to me. I also think you're right about trying to please me. I mean, come on, you've been a conservative Republican all your life and now all the sudden, I've convinced you to change your entire way of thinking?!!?? Like I said, I know that I'm a World Champion political debator, but come one...I don't think that I can convince someone who have has been thinking one way his entire life to suddenly change. I do think some of the passivity may have to do with trying to please me because he thinks that'll lead to something more substantial in terms of our relationship. But he must know that it's having the opposite effect. I'm now basically deciding not to hang out with him as much. When he asks me to do something with him or his family or friends, I decline his invitation. I might see him once a week on MY time!:ohwell:
 
ThickHair said:
ITA, more so than him being passive. I bet he let his momma do everything. He can't blow his own nose without momma holding the tissue and telling him to blow. Men like that make me sick.
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OMG, now that I think about it, you're absolutely right!! See, this is why I love my LHCF gals. Ya'll are so smart. When I think about it, I asked him to help me make up his bed. (He has his own room in the home that I'm house sitting in. BTW, my friends said that I could have anyone over.) Anyway, get this: HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BED UP!! Did you hear what I said?! He made a HUGE production on making the bed. I ended up doing most of the work.

Then, I thought about it: His parents, who basically live right across the street, come to do his laundry. Yes, that's right! His mother still takes his shirts and irons them!! She's about 68 years old. He's 43!

That explains it all. He's not only passive. He's needy!! That does not make for a strong, provider!! UGH!!!!:wallbash::ohwell:
 
Serenity_Peace said:
OMG, now that I think about it, you're absolutely right!! See, this is why I love my LHCF gals. Ya'll are so smart. When I think about it, I asked him to help me make up his bed. (He has his own room in the home that I'm house sitting in. BTW, my friends said that I could have anyone over.) Anyway, get this: HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BED UP!! Did you hear what I said?! He made a HUGE production on making the bed. I ended up doing most of the work.

Then, I thought about it: His parents, who basically live right across the street, come to do his laundry. Yes, that's right! His mother still takes his shirts and irons them!! She's about 68 years old. He's 43!

That explains it all. He's not only passive. He's needy!! That does not make for a strong, provider!! UGH!!!!:wallbash::ohwell:
Click to expand...


WHAT!!! :eek: He is one of those needy, spoiled men who was completely catered to by his parents and is a little boy in a grown man's body. I feel sick just thinking about it. :barf: Girl, please get away from this man. Even being friends with him will be incredibly draining.
 
Serenity_Peace said:
OMG, now that I think about it, you're absolutely right!! See, this is why I love my LHCF gals. Ya'll are so smart. When I think about it, I asked him to help me make up his bed. (He has his own room in the home that I'm house sitting in. BTW, my friends said that I could have anyone over.) Anyway, get this: HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BED UP!! Did you hear what I said?! He made a HUGE production on making the bed. I ended up doing most of the work.

Then, I thought about it: His parents, who basically live right across the street, come to do his laundry. Yes, that's right! His mother still takes his shirts and irons them!! She's about 68 years old. He's 43!

That explains it all. He's not only passive. He's needy!! That does not make for a strong, provider!! UGH!!!!:wallbash::ohwell:
Click to expand...

He seems the type that would ask for permission to slap you on the booty. LOL Run Forrest Run
 
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He sounds like a lazy, needy mama's boy. Been there done that, never again Run for the hills girl! :cowgirl:
 
Serenity_Peace said:
I don't think it's laziness, per say. I just think this guy is slow to act and is passive. Other passive-aggressive incidents:

1. We order 1/2 n 1/2 pizza. I like pepperoni, he likes sausage. The order comes back and the entire thing is pepperoni. Instead of sending it back, he eats the pepperoni knowing that he doesn't like it. I'm like: "why are you eating pepperoni when we both know that you don't like it." He: "it's o.k. I'll eat it." Me: "let's return it and get the correct order." I ended up requesting a reorder.

2. I'm a liberal Democrat. He is a conservative Repug...I mean, Republican. We have arguments, strong disagreements about political issues. Every argument seems to end with: "yeah, you're right. I think I'll go with what you said." Now he's talking about switching his affiliation to Democrat. O.K., so I know that I am a champion debator, but I ain't that good.:ohwell:

3. He's looking to buy a new flat screen t.v. We go to Best Buy and he's looking around, stupid and dopey. The salesguy looks at me with a quixotic look on his face wondering what's wrong with him. So I had to take charge. I tell the salesguy that he is looking for flat screens and exactly what he wants rather than him taking the lead. He just stands there acting as if he just stepped into Wonderland. I'm like: "why don't you speak up for what you want, dammit!!!" :nono:

4. We're in the car. I like my air conditioning on high when it's blazing outside. I ask him if he's o.k. He reassures me that he's comfortable. We're in the car for a 35 minute drive. He's wearing shorts. I can see the bumps forming on his skin and his hands shaking. We get to our destination and get out the car. He let's out a big sigh. I ask him if he's o.k. He says: "it was cold!" WTF??!!??? I'm like: "why didn't you tell me that you were cold?!!???!!":wallbash::wallbash:
Click to expand...

Just imagining the scenarios that you described above had me crackin' up. I really like nice guys and all, but this guy sounds like a wishy-washy doormat. There's a huge difference between nice and doormat.
 
Serenity_Peace said:
I consider myself a very progressive woman in my politics, but in my personal life, I believe that chivalry is NOT dead. I also believe that in many instances a man should take charge, making decisions when I can't or won't, and just handle the business where I'm not as adept.

So ladies, as I told my story before, I am hanging out with this guy who is very sweet, very nice and treats me well. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I've told him many times that I don't feel the same. Well, after having many conversations with him we are just hanging out as friends, but some things have happened over the course of a few weeks that have reaffirmed the fact that I don't want him, am not interested in him, and confirmed that he's not the one for me. Let me tell you about several things that happened:

A few weeks ago, I moved into a new home. I asked him and another friend to help me move some heavy furniture. Well, for nearly the entire time, he just sat there on boxes and wouldn't help. I had to help my other friend move some heavy boxes. My other friend (also a male) asked me why he (my friend) wouldn't help. I couldn't figure it out. So I ended up paying the other friend all the money that I would've split between the two of them. I told my friend that I didn't appreciate the fact that he didn't help much with the move and that it would be the last time that I would ask him to do anything. Strike one!
So this past weekend, I am house sitting for some friends of mine who are vacationing in England for a few weeks. Well, one night I invited my friend over and we had pizza. I thought I heard some noise upstairs and that someone was in the house. (It's a huge house!) So I ask him to kind help me scope out the house. We got knives, bats, etc. Well, don't you know he was a scaredy cat!?!! Yes, that's right. He walked right behind me, acting like he was too frightened. I was pissed! So essentially I was behaving like the man, the protector, and he was acting as if he were the damsel in distress. After checking the house, we finished the pizza and I sent him home.:wallbash::wallbash: Strike two!
Passive-aggressive behavior: as I reflected on the events of that day, I had thought about his passive behavior. I made eggs and toast for breakfast once for him. Now, I might not be Rachel Ray, but I know that my arse can cook! Well, he didn't eat 1/2 of his eggs. I asked him if he liked the meal. He said that the meal was good. After pressing the issue several times, he confessed that he didn't like the eggs because I had seasoned them with pepper. He doesn't like pepper. So essentially not only did he lie, I would have been making meals that he didn't like because I love to use many different types of seasonings in my foods. I freakin' hate passive-aggressiveness! This guy wasn't even man enough to tell me the truth about how he felt. Strike three! You're outta here!
So ladies, basically this is my vent. I learned more about myself and what I really want out of a man dealing with this guy. I have no tolerance for passive men, no matter how nice they are. I get the feeling that I do want the man to be more aggressive and self-assured. I wonder if I'm alone out there...
Click to expand...

[B said:
Serenity_Peace[/b]]

OMG, now that I think about it, you're absolutely right!! See, this is why I love my LHCF gals. Ya'll are so smart. When I think about it, I asked him to help me make up his bed. (He has his own room in the home that I'm house sitting in. BTW, my friends said that I could have anyone over.) Anyway, get this: HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BED UP!! Did you hear what I said?! He made a HUGE production on making the bed. I ended up doing most of the work.

Then, I thought about it: His parents, who basically live right across the street, come to do his laundry. Yes, that's right! His mother still takes his shirts and irons them!! She's about 68 years old. He's 43!

That explains it all. He's not only passive. He's needy!! That does not make for a strong, provider!! UGH!!!!
Click to expand...
Game over!!
 
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He sounds to be moreso lazy and passive and not passive-aggressive as you originally stated. He needs a woman that wants to be the boss, mother him. If that's not you then you should just leave him alone.
 
I can't stand them either. They drive me crazy and I lose interest with the quickness. I need somebody who will take charge when it comes to some things.
 
He would DRIVE me crazy!

Why are you spending time with this person? Please don't have a moment of weakness and give him SOME - you will NEVER to able to get rid of him afterwards.:spinning:
 
I know his type!! 99.9% of the time they are mommy's boys. I keep them far away even as a FRIEND. The moment he told me he still lays on his momma's lap at 32 years of age I was outta there!!!!:nono: These type of men, in interacting with the opposite sex act like THEY are the prize...'pamper me, call me, chase after me, cook for me..........'

You mentioned he is 43, has he ever been married? Has kids?
 
CurliDiva said:
He would DRIVE me crazy!

Why are you spending time with this person? Please don't have a moment of weakness and give him SOME - you will NEVER to able to get rid of him afterwards.:spinning:
Click to expand...

LOL!! That's not even a worry. I can't fucc someone that I'm not even remotely attracted to. It turns my stomach even thinking about it. But I know that you're right. Sadly, I've become friends with his friends and I love his parents. But eventually I'll have to let him go. This entire thing has become a big mess. I need a way to get out of it, and it doesn't help that I am spending time with him. I'm trying to cut back on that and ease out of the situation as best as I can.:sad::nono:
 
Integrity said:
I know his type!! 99.9% of the time they are mommy's boys. I keep them far away even as a FRIEND. The moment he told me he still lays on his momma's lap at 32 years of age I was outta there!!!!:nono: These type of men, in interacting with the opposite sex act like THEY are the prize...'pamper me, call me, chase after me, cook for me..........'

You mentioned he is 43, has he ever been married? Has kids?
Click to expand...
I can't believe he said that out loud. Did he think that would earn him cool points?
 
TaraDyan said:
Just imagining the scenarios that you described above had me crackin' up. I really like nice guys and all, but this guy sounds like a wishy-washy doormat. There's a huge difference between nice and doormat.
Click to expand...

I love nice guys, too, but DAYYUUUMMMM...sometimes a lady needs someone to tell her to shut and go sit down somewhere! Ain't nuttin' sexier...:spinning:
 
OMG- I know this type well. I *almost* married a man like this. Total lazy momma's boy. I remember his momma was STILL filling out his 10-40 EZ tax forms when he was 27 dang years old!!!!!!

Then she had the nerve to call OUR house and tell him to go to bed, cuz he had to up in the morning!!!!!!! :spinning: I was like **** is you crazy? That's a grown man!!!!!

I'm pregnant with a boy right now and I am really thinking I have to make him tough and strong, not coddle him into cripplehood.
 
Serenity_Peace said:
OMG, now that I think about it, you're absolutely right!! See, this is why I love my LHCF gals. Ya'll are so smart. When I think about it, I asked him to help me make up his bed. (He has his own room in the home that I'm house sitting in. BTW, my friends said that I could have anyone over.) Anyway, get this: HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BED UP!! Did you hear what I said?! He made a HUGE production on making the bed. I ended up doing most of the work.

Then, I thought about it: His parents, who basically live right across the street, come to do his laundry. Yes, that's right! His mother still takes his shirts and irons them!! She's about 68 years old. He's 43!

That explains it all. He's not only passive. He's needy!! That does not make for a strong, provider!! UGH!!!!:wallbash::ohwell:
Click to expand...

He doesn't sound passive, he sounds like a 12-year old child.
 
I don't blame you for letting him go. I have to feel safe and protected with any man I'm with.

I can't be more of a man than you are.
 
EEEEEEEEEEEEEW!! This man sounds like my father-in-law. Good thing hubby is like his mom. She kicked FIL's passive behind to the curb 17 years ago!!! He married a taller version of his mother, who coddled him out of any semblance of masculinity. And get this... he didn't tell his kids (DH & his sis) about her until they were already married! I can only be around my FIL for 35 minutes at a time. He's so weak it nauseates me. He coddles my Sis-in-law, now she coddles her son. :nono:

I've had manbaby friends like that before. One told me he had feelings for me, and so help me, I just :lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen: I couldn't help it! The thought was sooooo ludicrous! I don't wanna wear a man's cojones as earrings, so no thanks.

In the course of dealing with these types of men, I've found a DIRECT correlation between passivity and being a mama's boy.
 
TBeBe said:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEW!! This man sounds like my father-in-law. Good thing hubby is like his mom. She kicked FIL's passive behind to the curb 17 years ago!!! He married a taller version of his mother, who coddled him out of any semblance of masculinity. And get this... he didn't tell his kids (DH & his sis) about her until they were already married! I can only be around my FIL for 35 minutes at a time. He's so weak it nauseates me. He coddles my Sis-in-law, now she coddles her son. :nono:

I've had manbaby friends like that before. One told me he had feelings for me, and so help me, I just :lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen: I couldn't help it! The thought was sooooo ludicrous! I don't wanna wear a man's cojones as earrings, so no thanks.

In the course of dealing with these types of men, I've found a DIRECT correlation between passivity and being a mama's boy.
Click to expand...

This is VERY TRUE!!!!!!
 
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