**Update: When he refuses to call you his girlfriend....**

[PopLife]

As many of you know by my last thread I decided to leave the guy I have been dating alone, due to him not willing to commit.

Well anyways, yesterday he kept sending me random text messages (instead of him typically calling) to feel me out. I'm guessing because he sensed I was upset with him about something...I replied to none of them.

So last night I guess he finally decided to acknowledge that something was wrong and directly asked me if I was okay. At first I was going to ignore that text message as well, but I figured this would probably be the last time I communicated with him (since I deleted his contact info) so, I let him know what was up.


Conversation:

Him: Are u okay?

Me: No, I feel like you want the benefits of a relationship but you refuse to acknowledge it by putting a title on it & I'm not going to deal with that anymore.

Him: What do you want from me

Me: Nothing. I refuse to be disrespected anymore. I was honest about what I wanted form the jump and it's apparent that your are not on the same page. So I'm cool...

Him: (no response)

My thoughts: Typical....

 

[Keen]

You handled that great! He got the message.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Good for you! Time is precious. I wish I could go back in time and not waste the pretty on dudes who were not about what I was about.... who only wanted to please themselves and waste my time. I think you did the right thing

 

[brownelovely]

Good for you! The fact that he didn't respond tells you that you made the right decision.

 

[AstroQueen77]

Thats great!

How long were you seeing him, btw?

 

[Kerryann]

good for you i had to make the same changes too i know it was somewhat hurtful but you will feel better

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Congratulations! Dont let him come back either. If he didnt jump on you immediately, that means he's going to test the waters elsewhere to see if the temperature is right for him. If its not, give you a 'shut up' title commitment. Not real and he's still looking. You deserve so much better and you will have it. He's a loser.

 

[PopLife]

Thats great!

How long were you seeing him, btw?

We've were dating for 6 months, but I've known him for 11 years (met in college). Having known him for so long is the part that hurts the most. This is someone I have spent a lot of time with over the course of the years, I could see if I was just some random chic he just met off the street.

 

[Rastafarai]

Well anyways, yesterday he kept sending me random text messages (instead of him typically calling) to feel me out. I'm guessing because he sensed I was upset with him about something...I replied to none of them.

What a coward.

Conversation:

Him: Are u okay?

Me: No, I feel like you want the benefits of a relationship but you refuse to acknowledge it by putting a title on it & I'm not going to deal with that anymore.

Him: What do you want from me

Me: Nothing. I refuse to be disrespected anymore. I was honest about what I wanted form the jump and it's apparent that your are not on the same page. So I'm cool...

Him: (no response)

My thoughts: Typical....

You handled it well and made yourself clear but yet he is still playing dumb? *SMDH*

I'm glad that door is finally closed. You're doing yourself a huge favor. Good luck!!!!

 

[Bunny77]

You done good.

You know, having been in somewhat similar situations with someone I thought was a friend, I honestly don't believe that these men are deliberately trying to play games or hurt us. (Well, some are.)

However, what men do is respond to what they're given and think later. So even if you sit down and spell out what is and isn't acceptable, if you offer a lot of yourself with no commitment, they'll take it. After all, you're offering it, right? (In their mind). And if he knows he doesn't have to do more than the basics to get girlfriend-level treatment, then he won't do it.

Of course when the woman finally calls him out, he has nothing to say because she's right. But in the end, he won't get too upset or fight to make it real, etc., because that wasn't what he ever wanted in the first place. He was just going to enjoy the ride for as long as you were willing to do it OR until he got ready to get serious with someone else.

 

[PopLife]

You done good.

You know, having been in somewhat similar situations with someone I thought was a friend, I honestly don't believe that these men are deliberately trying to play games or hurt us. (Well, some are.)

However, what men do is respond to what they're given and think later. So even if you sit down and spell out what is and isn't acceptable, if you offer a lot of yourself with no commitment, they'll take it. After all, you're offering it, right? (In their mind). And if he knows he doesn't have to do more than the basics to get girlfriend-level treatment, then he won't do it.

Of course when the woman finally calls him out, he has nothing to say because she's right. But in the end, he won't get too upset or fight to make it real, etc., because that wasn't what he ever wanted in the first place. He was just going to enjoy the ride for as long as you were willing to do it OR until he got ready to get serious with someone else.

I agree with everything you said...which is why even though he played his part, I take full blame for how the situation turned out.
I have never been a man's meantime chic, so I guess I got too comfortable with thinking that no man would ever view me that way. This was my first and last situation like this...

 

[Rastafarai]

Of course when the woman finally calls him out, he has nothing to say because she's right. But in the end, he won't get too upset or fight to make it real, etc., because that wasn't what he ever wanted in the first place. He was just going to enjoy the ride for as long as you were willing to do it OR until he got ready to get serious with someone else.

Bunny, you once again hit the nail on the head!

I was also in the similar situation as OP and I knew I was settling but I settled anyway. It wasn't until someone else showed me the true meaning of commitment and the steps a man is willing to take to ensure you know he wants you in his life that I decided to put a nail in the darn coffin.

I have yet to break the news to him, but I expect the "Where is this coming from" and "you need time to cool down, you're making a mountain out of a mole" responses from him. I am just waiting for the right time to break the news. I hope he does not expect an explanation...not that he is deserving of such.

*Sorry OP for the tangent*

 

[NYAmicas]

*Hugs PopLife*

Now you can set your sights on someone who will give you the title after you heal.

 

[nychaelasymone]

good for you....one door closed and another will truly open. God bless!!! I'm excited for you!

 

[panamoni]

Way to go. Hugs.

 

[Almaz]

Good as I said before you can do better

 

[MissYocairis]

We've were dating for 6 months, but I've known him for 11 years (met in college). Having known him for so long is the part that hurts the most. This is someone I have spent a lot of time with over the course of the years, I could see if I was just some random chic he just met off the street.

You did the right thing. I'm so proud of you because it is long overdue that women start standing up for what they really want from their relationships. Now...about him not responding...I know some have said you shouldn't consider him if he were to come back but, I disagree. Often times, men need that push to decide what they really want. If he comes back, it's because he really wants you, imo. But, you'll be able to gauge his sincerity by his actions and your own intuition in response to it. I feel you on being hurt because of the long friendship the two of you have shared. That can make things tough...but it can also serve to help him make his decision on whether he's ready to be serious about you. I think, if he comes back with an offer...you should consider it. Feel him out and follow your gut. Don't take shorts...I know you won't...you've already shown that. Many times, even men we are really close to will go along with the status quo for as long as we will let them and will only step up to the plate when it is clear to them that you are willing and ready to WALK. Either way, you've won. You've won if he never comes back and will have won if he does. Did I tell you I'm proud of you?

 

[MissYocairis]

I'm surprised so many of you ladies think this is over. Men who get dumped do not go away quietly. And, he's a longtime friend. He's doing a lot of reflection right about now. I bet he's at a crossroads of decision. He may very well decide the OP is not the one. But, he may also decide that she is. I agree with Bunny...they take now and think later...and not out of spite or manipulation...they just wanna feel and be and bask in the glow of your love...any way that you will let them for as long as you will let them. I'm speaking from experience. There are a plenty of ladies who didn't get engaged and married until AFTER they WALKED because some men don't know what they really want readily. He just sounds like someone who isn't sure what he wanted yet. Now, granted, I haven't read the other thread....so I don't know the details. I hope he wasn't disrespectful. BUT...the OP has done an outstanding job of demonstrating who she is and how she is to be handled. If he decides he can deliver...he'll be back.

 

[awhyley]

I'm surprised so many of you ladies think this is over.

I too was just going to say that if he comes back begging; saying that he now knows what he wants, that he's sorry, etc. NOT TO FALL FOR IT!!! If he knew what he wanted, he would have reacted immediately, rather he would have acknowledged you properly before. Don't listen to him.

 

[firecracker]

NEXXXXXXXXXT! Keep your head up and KIM for someone on the same page.

 

[MissYocairis]

I too was just going to say that if he comes back begging; saying that he now knows what he wants, that he's sorry, etc. NOT TO FALL FOR IT!!! If he knew what he wanted, he would have reacted immediately, rather he would have acknowledged you properly before. Don't listen to him.

I dunno. Every person...let alone every man...does not know what they want instantly in the moment of decision. He's in that valley right now. The reality of losing her is just now sinking in. Some people need to think things through. I don't think everyone has to "react immediately" to be deemed sincere. Just my humble.

 

[aribell]

I'm surprised so many of you ladies think this is over. Men who get dumped do not go away quietly. And, he's a longtime friend. He's doing a lot of reflection right about now. I bet he's at a crossroads of decision. He may very well decide the OP is not the one. But, he may also decide that she is. I agree with Bunny...they take now and think later...and not out of spite or manipulation...they just wanna feel and be and bask in the glow of your love...any way that you will let them for as long as you will let them. I'm speaking from experience. There are a plenty of ladies who didn't get engaged and married until AFTER they WALKED because some men don't know what they really want readily. He just sounds like someone who isn't sure what he wanted yet. Now, granted, I haven't read the other thread....so I don't know the details. I hope he wasn't disrespectful. BUT...the OP has done an outstanding job of demonstrating who she is and how she is to be handled. If he decides he can deliver...he'll be back.

I dunno. Every person...let alone every man...does not know what they want instantly in the moment of decision. He's in that valley right now. The reality of losing her is just now sinking in. Some people need to think things through. I don't think everyone has to "react immediately" to be deemed sincere. Just my humble.

I really like your perspective, especially the bolded. It seems to ring true in experience, even though I scratch my head at how it's possible. But I've been reading a blogger, an older man (married 50+ years) writing to women, who would agree as well, saying that basically, men always think of themselves first and foremost and will put forth as little effort as women make them, even if they're genuinely interested. Has nothing to do with manipulation (necessarily), just their nature.

PopLife, it sounds like you handled yourself in a really classy way.

 

[msbettyboop]

I really like your perspective, especially the bolded. It seems to ring true in experience, even though I scratch my head at how it's possible. But I've been reading a blogger, an older man (married 50+ years) writing to women, who would agree as well, saying that basically, men always think of themselves first and foremost and will put forth as little effort as women make them, even if they're genuinely interested. Has nothing to do with manipulation (necessarily), just their nature.

PopLife, it sounds like you handled yourself in a really classy way.

sorry to divert from topic but can you tell me the blogger's address please? it sounds interesting. thanks.

 

[PopLife]

Thank you guys soo much for your support.
This is really the only place I feel like I can vent and people understand where I'm coming from.

My friends think that I should continue to take advantage of the benefits he's offering (fee meals, trips, etc..) until I find someone else. Basically do the same thing he's doing, but this is not a game for me.

I know deep down that I made the right decision but I will be happy when it stats feeling like I did.

 

[Bunny77]

Thank you guys soo much for your support.
This is really the only place I feel like I can vent and people understand where I'm coming from.

My friends think that I should continue to take advantage of the benefits he's offering (fee meals, trips, etc..) until I find someone else. Basically do the same thing he's doing, but this is not a game for me.

I know deep down that I made the right decision but I will be happy when it stats feeling like I did.

The danger in the bolded is that the longer you spend time with Mr. Wrong, it's time taken away from finding Mr. Right.

I did that with a platonic friend for a while... I always joked that he was good company and a good escort for events, etc., in the meantime, but one day he'd be so mad when he found that I moved on.

Problem was, nobody seemed to be stepping to me and I wasn't exactly moving to someone else. Maybe because... my energy was still with my friend! Maybe potential dudes saw that and considered that I was taken... maybe all those times we hung out, went to events, etc., I was repelling other dudes who might have actually been the ones for me!

Only when I cut off the platonic friend completely did Mr. Right have room to even enter my life. Just sayin'...

 

[biancaelyse]

OP,

Good for you for actively speaking up for what you want and taking the appropriate action. This guy may or may not come around but you shouldn't just be sitting around waitng to see what he does.

Give yourself time; the break may do you good. I had an on again off again bf/fiance in college and it seemed that we kept breaking up over the same issues again and again. We'd miss each other, reconcile and make promises we couldn't keep. I got so much clarity after I let it go that last time and I never went back. I fell silly over all of the time I wasted and things I missed out on because of him but I had to learn my own boundaries the hard way.

 

[aribell]

sorry to divert from topic but can you tell me the blogger's address please? it sounds interesting. thanks.

What Women Never Hear: http://wwnh.wordpress.com/content/

It's been fascinating and really challenging. Warning, though, he is very old school. I felt like WMLB and The Rules were nothing in comparison. Also, I think it's important to take everything he says in light of the fact that his whole blog is dedicated to helping women be happier with themselves and their relationships.

 

[msbettyboop]

What Women Never Hear: http://wwnh.wordpress.com/content/

It's been fascinating and really challenging. Warning, though, he is very old school. I felt like WMLB and The Rules were nothing in comparison. Also, I think it's important to take everything he says in light of the fact that his whole blog is dedicated to helping women be happier with themselves and their relationships.

Thank you