Unsure about divorce...

[prettygrl]

After 2 years, my divorce hearing is set for next week and I am still uncertain.

I married my high school sweetheart. We are both in our early 30's now with one toddler.. I could easily go back, but I'm not sure I should...

We got married 5 years ago. He is a police officer and has a crazy schedule...working nights. We saw very little of each other and when he was off he wanted to hang out with his friends and drink. I don't believe he was cheating, but don't know for sure.

His hanging out caused some big fights.. I got physical with him and he moved out. He said that I was going to cause him to lose his job and he was afraid that he would hurt me. During the two years we have still seen each other. I have suggested counseling, but although he said he would go that never happened. We had one appointment scheduled a few months ago and got into an argument the day of and never went.

Right before we separated my grandfather passed away and he did not attend the funeral. I was really hurt that he didn't come and my close Aunt was also upset. A week later, the Aunt who was so upset that he no showed at my grandfather's funeral passed away. He did no show up to her funeral either. I felt very alone. At that point I felt that our marriage wasn't going to make it. I have always suffered from a lot of anxiety issues which he never understood and going through that without him--made things so much worse.

It's very difficult to end a 17 year relationship. I have prayed for a clear answer. I want to make the right decision....not necessarily the easy one. I'm afraid if everything is finalized next week my anxiety is going to increase 10fold!

Any words of wisdom???

Thanks in advance.

 

[kim]

I can somewhat relate to how your're feeling. I was also ended a 17 year relationship with my highschool sweetheart. Eventhough are relationship had many different issues than yours, one of those issues was also about him hanging out all night and drinking with his buddies. It's really hard to tell you what you should do about your relationship. Is he interested in really working on the marriage?

 

[hopeful]

prettygrl It sounds like you made the right decision. Are you taking medication for the anxiety? If not, maybe you should at least for awhile to help you cope with being divorced. From what you wrote I can't tell if he is trying to make things work or not, if he is a good father, or even what kind of man he is. I'm so sad for you that two of your five years married were spent pursuing a divorce. And I really wish you guys had gotten some type of counseling especially because you two have been together for so long and have a child together. If you are really uncertain, perhaps you can postpone the divorce hearing for a few months and try to pursue counseling? Do you have a pastor or older married couple that you guys can seek counsel/ support from as well?

 

[Sosoothing]

Sorry to hear about this tough phase you are going through.

Based on what you wrote, I think if your soon to be ex is interested in working on the marriage and seeking counselling, you two should try and work on staying together.I don't get the feeling that there is no hope for your marriage, but professional help will be needed. Good luck.

 

[joyous]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a long term relationship with a police officer and those relationships can be extremely difficult. Combined with the crazy schedule it is also a very stressful job. I find that many police officers like to hang out with their friends on off hours. They usually share a special camaraderie with them because they understand the challenges that they face daily. I hear this complaint from many of the officers wives. We used to plan events with the families of other police officers. This allowed them to spend time with their friends and us to spend time with them.

Are you dealing with your anxiety? If not, you must. I suspect that your anxiety is making him feel more stressed. He may not be able to cope with your anxiety in addition to the daily stress of his job. As an out, he may be opting to spend time away from home to gain relief.

You guys must go to counseling if you want to save your marriage. If not you will have the same issues. I wish you and your family the best.

 

[caltron]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think if your marriage can be saved, but only if you two can agree to counseling. Maybe your hubby will agree to it now that you've filed for divorce and knows that you are serious.

 

[mscocoface]

Even if he does not go through counselling you should just to help you through either way. There is also a service that is called DivorceCare.com that may be in your area. It was very helpful to me. You can attend whether you are going through the process or thinking about it. I was married to my high school sweetheart and it was a total of 27 years together.

Choose YOU first of all to be healthy and whole no matter what may or may not be happening in your marriage.

Wishing and hoping the best for you.

 

[prettygrl]

I can somewhat relate to how your're feeling. I was also ended a 17 year relationship with my highschool sweetheart. Eventhough are relationship had many different issues than yours, one of those issues was also about him hanging out all night and drinking with his buddies. It's really hard to tell you what you should do about your relationship. Is he interested in really working on the marriage?

He says he is, but no actions...

 

[prettygrl]

thanks everyone for your replies

 

[loved]

Have you considered counseling just for yourself? I recently suffered the unexpected loss of a very close aunt within a few months of a 2 other deaths & I'm thinking about grief counseling for myself. I know that dealing with the loss & the grief of my family members is causing anxiety for me & life feels very random right now. If you're going through that & the possible loss of your marriage with the responsibilities of a toddler you want to take care of yourself.

 

[blazingthru]

I am going through a divorce as well and my anxiety is very high so much to the point I need to get meds and I hate it. I am trying not to.. but most times I find myself having to sit down because I am struggling trying to breath.

 

[Evolving78]

sorry for your loss. i believe your marriage is over and you need to move on. plus it sounds like you need more counseling than he does. you have went through a lot and need to start the healing process. your husband has a job that is always going to take him away from home and it sounds like your personal issues, causes stress in the marriage and home. so instead of coming home and being with his wife and child, he escapes. let him go. take care of yourself and your child.

 

[Supergirl]

If you are not sure, maybe postpone. People often salavage marriages much worse that what you've described yours as. If both parties are willing, it is doable.

 

[ManeStreet]

If you arent 100% sure then it isnt the right time.

prayer & patience.

I hope this helps

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/23/

 

[Juliene]

I'm in a similar position. After ten years of marriage my husband and I have separated several times. We are young and married young --our most recent break up was as a result of him being physical with all because he believed that a married man --who I recently became friends with liked me. I had to get an order of protection against. That separation lasted only one week before I took him back. We have had very poor communication for a long time. I mean for months we go weeks without speaking. Recently he told me that he only came back for the kids. Then why get mad if another male takes interest in me?

 

[firecracker]

I'm sorry that you are going through this and uncertain. You really should seek counseling for yourself even if he is all talk no action. Like someone mentioned upthread his job is going to take him away from home and weird hours at times. It not right that he doesn't come home and spend time with his family but again you need counseling nonetheless especially due to high anxiety along with getting physical w/him. Anger management classes and counseling isn't a bad thing.

 

[jrae]

This is an old thread. Hope you are okay and have gotten some help dealing with the anxiety issues.

 

[auparavant]

I am going through a divorce as well and my anxiety is very high so much to the point I need to get meds and I hate it. I am trying not to.. but most times I find myself having to sit down because I am struggling trying to breath.

Oh no...I didn't know. :hug:

 

[Solila]

I agree with the consensus! Postpone your divorce and save yourself first. You need healing and you can do this without ending your marriage. If you show yourself that you are strong enough, you will by extension show him that. You'll be able to salvage your marriage. Don't lose hope just yet.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

OP, if you doubt your decision to divorce your husband you need to postpone it. It is imperative that you have peace about your decision before you move forward or you are likely to regret it. Marriages in much worse situations than you have described have been healed. I've seen it. I work in Family Law. Even though we process a lot of divorces, I am thankful that my employer encourages couples to seek help individually or as a couple before it is finalized. People expect marital problems should be fixable on a particular time table. That is not always the case. Continue to pray for him and for yourself. Seek counseling for yourself. Let him know that he is welcome to come but that you are going for yourself regardless. You cannot make someone that doesn't want the marriage stay with you, but I certainly would not be the one to initiate it or finalize it if i wasn't sure it's what I wanted. If it goes through without any push along from you, then your conscience will be clear.