I have never posted in this forum before, but I could really use some advice. I don't know if I can trust my husband or not. I had faith in him until I found out he called his ex girlfriend in the middle of the night(1 am) while I was away on a business trip. I also realized it was her birthday the day before, he talked to her then and a couple nights later around midnight.. He didn't want me to know but I saw the cell phone bill. I knew that he still talked to her, but after this incident I feel like he should not be talking to her period. He doesn't see a problem, and says i need to trust him. He lied to me in the past about her. we had been divorced, then remarried. When we first got back together,before we remarried,he told me that there was no one that he was still seeing, but then she popped up. Then he says I am watching over his shoulder, what does he expect. He has continued to talk to her, and will not stop, using the excuse that he works with her. He is the Choir president and she is the choir 2nd vice president. The choir meets once a week, and he works a regular job. That is some excuse to just keep her in his life. He calls her several times a day, early in the morning 8 am, and a few times later also. He says that I am jealous. Am I overreacting. Should I put this in the past and know that there is nothing going on? Do I have something to worry about?
Trust in marriage
- Thread starter msmerc
- Start date
phynestone
Well-Known Member
I am no expert in marriage, so you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt. Trust is a very important part of marriage and I understand your husband works with his ex-girlfriend. What I don't understand is why he seems to be going around your back to communicate with her. When he talks to her on the phone while you're in the house, does he speak in hushed tones or leave the room? This just sounds fishy, that's what I think and I really think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. He REALLY wouldn't appreciate it if you were doing the same thing. You are definitely NOT overreacting.
Sweet C
Well-Known Member
Welcome ms merc,
I will say that I personally don't believe that you are overreacting and I cosign with 19sweetie. Does this ex-gf talk to you at all or is her rlp solely with your husband? I agree that the phone calls are very inappropiate, b/c I know he would not want you behaving the same way with an ex of yours. I suggest you talk to him again and re-voice your concerns. Tell him that you feel his behavior is inappropiate and that this hurts you his wife.
I will say that I personally don't believe that you are overreacting and I cosign with 19sweetie. Does this ex-gf talk to you at all or is her rlp solely with your husband? I agree that the phone calls are very inappropiate, b/c I know he would not want you behaving the same way with an ex of yours. I suggest you talk to him again and re-voice your concerns. Tell him that you feel his behavior is inappropiate and that this hurts you his wife.
Stormy
Well-Known Member
No you are not overreacting, no you should not put this in the past, and yes you do have something to worry about! With valid reason. There is definitely something wrong here. Calling his ex at 1 A.M. in the morning? And all this calling throughout the day? I mean, how many songs, programs, or whatever do they need to talk about that they have to be on the phone that much? Ask him. Even if they work together, no loyal husband should be behaving this way. Yeah, you two need to sit down and really talk. Of course you know to pray about it, but don't settle for dishonesty and infidelity....if that's what it is.
Blossssom
New Member
I agree with most of what has been said here...
However, you've already told him how you feel and he has ignored that.
There really is no point in continuing to "talk" to him about it. It falls on deaf ears.
Is he being paid to be a choir president? When I used to attend church, I don't recall anyone being paid anything except the preacher and the musician.
And even if he is being paid to be choir president, if his association with AN EX GIRLFRIEND, somebody he used to SCREW, is making you uncomfortable, he needs to quit! That's what a loving, caring husband would do if his wife had concerns.
Based on what you've said, you're married to the opposite. You were divorced once from this man. Was it because of this woman? What made you remarry him? He lied to you in the past about this woman. Sounds like he's back to his old tricks.
Please don't be deceived again by this man. If you have to "look" over his shoulder and constantly wonder if something is going on because of his past and present behavior, that is usually indicative that something is.
You may have to get rid of this man once and for all. You can't trust him and a marriage without trust is dead.
However, you've already told him how you feel and he has ignored that.
There really is no point in continuing to "talk" to him about it. It falls on deaf ears.
Is he being paid to be a choir president? When I used to attend church, I don't recall anyone being paid anything except the preacher and the musician.
And even if he is being paid to be choir president, if his association with AN EX GIRLFRIEND, somebody he used to SCREW, is making you uncomfortable, he needs to quit! That's what a loving, caring husband would do if his wife had concerns.
Based on what you've said, you're married to the opposite. You were divorced once from this man. Was it because of this woman? What made you remarry him? He lied to you in the past about this woman. Sounds like he's back to his old tricks.
Please don't be deceived again by this man. If you have to "look" over his shoulder and constantly wonder if something is going on because of his past and present behavior, that is usually indicative that something is.
You may have to get rid of this man once and for all. You can't trust him and a marriage without trust is dead.
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Relationship yes is all about trust but we must understand the devil is always trying to destroy the family unit. I say, it is not just want you say but how you say it. A woman who knows God must ask God to season her tongue with wisdom and power to allow what she says to be effective and loving. At this time you need to ask GOD for direction since you may vows to love him for better or for worst. There will always be another woman waiting to mess around with a married man. Have a heart to heart talk. You can never get enough talking for communication is the most powerful tool BUT you must know when to talk, how much to say and how to say it. This can ONLY come from God. Pray before you speak to your husband. In the meantime take some blessed oil and anoint his side of the bed, closet and him if he lets you. You can always put the bless oil on your hands as a lotion then go to touch him he will never know that you are covering him with the blood and the love of Jesus. God is the only one who can teach these husbands how to love there wives and vice versa. Right now this is between you and God first and then go talk to him as GOD leads you. Don't worry God knows how to let you know. He will faciltate this situation. And, pray for the girl at the church that she will be a real woman of God and honor your marriage. Ask God to move on her heart and bless her to become a true woman of God. 
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear you're going through this. I agree with a lot of Star's answers to your post. You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband.
That means, from your heart to his heart. Just telling him he should not have contact with this woman is not going to do it. Your personal feelings aside, if you love this man, you also want him to be happy.
How well do you know your husband? Obviously not well. Find out what it is in your marriage that is not contributing to his happiness, that he feels the need to go outside. Ask him from your heart, without judgement, what he feels needs to be changed or improved in your relationship. Give him time and space to think about it. If this man is meant to be with you, he will open up because you are making a safe place for him to open up, instead of hitting him with shoulds and don'ts.
You may also need to attend family counseling. There are counseling programs for couples who are going through infidelity.
On the other hand, if he is the kind of guy who will never be happy in a marriage because he can never give himself entirely to one woman, then, nothing you can do will matter. With such a man, if you want to stay married, you'd better close your eyes and get used to infidelity. If you can't get used to infidelity, you'll have to let him go.
That means, from your heart to his heart. Just telling him he should not have contact with this woman is not going to do it. Your personal feelings aside, if you love this man, you also want him to be happy.
How well do you know your husband? Obviously not well. Find out what it is in your marriage that is not contributing to his happiness, that he feels the need to go outside. Ask him from your heart, without judgement, what he feels needs to be changed or improved in your relationship. Give him time and space to think about it. If this man is meant to be with you, he will open up because you are making a safe place for him to open up, instead of hitting him with shoulds and don'ts.
You may also need to attend family counseling. There are counseling programs for couples who are going through infidelity.
On the other hand, if he is the kind of guy who will never be happy in a marriage because he can never give himself entirely to one woman, then, nothing you can do will matter. With such a man, if you want to stay married, you'd better close your eyes and get used to infidelity. If you can't get used to infidelity, you'll have to let him go.
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RabiaElaine
New Member
star said:Relationship yes is all about trust but we must understand the devil is always trying to destroy the family unit. I say, it is not just want you say but how you say it. A woman who knows God must ask God to season her tongue with wisdom and power to allow what she says to be effective and loving. At this time you need to ask GOD for direction since you may vows to love him for better or for worst. There will always be another woman waiting to mess around with a married man. Have a heart to heart talk. You can never get enough talking for communication is the most powerful tool BUT you must know when to talk, how much to say and how to say it. This can ONLY come from God. Pray before you speak to your husband. In the meantime take some blessed oil and anoint his side of the bed, closet and him if he lets you. You can always put the bless oil on your hands as a lotion then go to touch him he will never know that you are covering him with the blood and the love of Jesus. God is the only one who can teach these husbands how to love there wives and vice versa. Right now this is between you and God first and then go talk to him as GOD leads you. Don't worry God knows how to let you know. He will faciltate this situation. And, pray for the girl at the church that she will be a real woman of God and honor your marriage. Ask God to move on her heart and bless her to become a true woman of God.
I cosign!!
I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I will pray for you. Please pray as well before you approach your husband, ask God for guidance and the right words and tone. Also ask God to give you strength to handle this situation.
I pray everything works out in the favor of your marriage.
shunemite
New Member
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I don't think you're overeacting at all, if anything he's playing with fire. I cosign with the suggestions to get counselling coz that's what I would do. I would also like to suggest calling in for advice (anonymously, of course) at a local Christian radio marriage session; sometimes they have "marriage hour" with marriage experts. There are some good books out there too, if you like to read, like "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson, and "How to Affair Proof Your Marriage" (same author). I like the way he quotes scriptures and also gives real examples from people's lives. I'm praying for you.
Thank you all so much. I have been praying for answers. I stopped attending our church when we were divorced. He then bacame involved with at least 2 other women there. I can't bring myself to go back to this church. I have not lost my faith in the Lord. I am looking to find a different church. We have been remarried for over a year now. I have always loved this man, and have never doubted him before, and had these feelings of mistrust. His reasons for the calls were she had problems with her 25 year old son. Of course I did not believe this. I knew that he talked to her occasionally, but when i saw 1 am calls that was it. I feel I don't know him anymore. THis is a true wake up call for me. Maybe something I never could see before. Thanks again for your replies.
CatSuga
New Member
msmerc said:
A man is only going to do what he wants to do and what you allow him to do.
As your husband he should not be calling other women for "casual conversation". He should be having that with you.
And don't confuse having faith in the Lord with having faith in this man.
redeemed516
New Member
Man that almost sounds like my husband and his ex. He is the choir director and she is the president. anywho.....I find it disrespectful for him to talk to her that late at night and have to sneak around about it. My husband does talk to her, but it is always at decent hours, regarding church/choir business, and usually in front of me. I too see the phone bills, not to regulate what he does, but because i have to pay it. ...as it has been said on here before. i don't think you are overreacting. I do think that if he can't be more respectful to you in regards to conversing with her then that will/can be a problem. Please keep praying and ask the Lord what to do.
shunemite
New Member
msmerc said:
The story in Genesis of Joseph and the potiphar's wife just crossed my mind. She was a married woman seducing Joseph, and he fled the scene. (Some say he fled to flee from temptation, and some comedic preachers say maybe the woman was ugly). Anyway, if for ANY reason at all you don't feel comfortable with this woman in your lives, your husband should flee. Just for the simple fact that this woman's presence is a trap by the devil waiting to capture your husband at any weak opportunity. If she has problems, she can see a counsellor. If he doesn't learn to flee, something bad can happen any time, or even yet years later with a totally different woman.
AnnDriena_
New Member
Shunemite has me rollin' " maybe the woman was just ugly
"
Okay let me recover.
I will pray for you sweetie. And I will pray that God gives you the right words to tell your husband he needs to RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS and stop having anything to do with a women he used to sleep with. For me I like to take things out of context to better explain myself to people. Strange but it helps me.
You are not overreacting. I don't care if you ask him to not call his ex or to not feed the cat a certain brand of cat food
erplexed . Disrespect and ignoring your feelings is wrong.
( and I might be wrong for this but please get yourself tested. Men don't just call their exes' at 1 am because they have family problems and birthdays. That's what family counselors and hallmark is for
)
Someone in the thread already mentioned some good books and I know for a fact that the affair proofing your marriage book by Dr. Dobson says if you BOTH value your marriage you will take all temptations away. I can tell YOU value the marriage so you really, like the women here have said, need to have a heart to heart with your husband and it REALLY sounds like you need to find another church. If your husband continues to act this way you really need to question him as to WHY he feels the need to stay in contact with this woman. God Bless you sweetie. You will come out of this with grace.
PS I'm also curious, like others, as to why you divorced and remarried this man?
And I'd also like to thank you ladies for giving me more to add to my list of must haves in a man. And I am dead serious when I say I have this written down. From how much his momma can visit, how much of a mommas boy he is to, my newest criteria regarding exes. 1 am phone calls, um, NO.
"Okay let me recover.
I will pray for you sweetie. And I will pray that God gives you the right words to tell your husband he needs to RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS and stop having anything to do with a women he used to sleep with. For me I like to take things out of context to better explain myself to people. Strange but it helps me.
You are not overreacting. I don't care if you ask him to not call his ex or to not feed the cat a certain brand of cat food
erplexed . Disrespect and ignoring your feelings is wrong. ( and I might be wrong for this but please get yourself tested. Men don't just call their exes' at 1 am because they have family problems and birthdays. That's what family counselors and hallmark is for
)Someone in the thread already mentioned some good books and I know for a fact that the affair proofing your marriage book by Dr. Dobson says if you BOTH value your marriage you will take all temptations away. I can tell YOU value the marriage so you really, like the women here have said, need to have a heart to heart with your husband and it REALLY sounds like you need to find another church. If your husband continues to act this way you really need to question him as to WHY he feels the need to stay in contact with this woman. God Bless you sweetie. You will come out of this with grace.
PS I'm also curious, like others, as to why you divorced and remarried this man?
And I'd also like to thank you ladies for giving me more to add to my list of must haves in a man. And I am dead serious when I say I have this written down. From how much his momma can visit, how much of a mommas boy he is to, my newest criteria regarding exes. 1 am phone calls, um, NO.
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