Toxic Relationships

[wofford16]

I was reading an article this morning regarding two females from The Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta show and this statement really stood out to me because I have found myself in one heck of a toxic relationship one too many times and just wanted to share it.

Toxic Relationships consists of Emotionally Bankrupted People who believe, think, and feel that the other Person owes them, and they are constantly out to collect. Like a Cruel Debt Collector, the Emotionally Bankrupt Person who lacks Empathy will do what ever to get what s/he feels is owed to him/her.

They are constantly looking for how they can have the advantage, and take the advantage. In Toxic Relationships things are not given away freely, they are taken and stolen through deception, manipulation, and force.

Toxic Relationships are filled with users and abusers. When we find ourselves in Toxic Relationships we have 3 choices; (1) Leave the Relationship, go No Contact (NC) (2) Remain in the Relationship and Remain the Victim (3) Become like them (overt & covert), if you can’t beat them join them, and find another victim to use and abuse.

Toxic Relationships are about Victimization, you are either a Victim, or an Abuser (either the Primary Abuser, the obvious Overt person, or the Secondary Abuser which is the Covert person who does nothing to stop the Primary Abuser, so if someone does nothing to stop the abuse, then s/he is supporting it by his/her lack of action.).

 

[Evolving78]

i googled and got this article from yahoo
http://voices.yahoo.com/25-ways-tell-if-relationship-toxic-4545.html?cat=72

 

[Evolving78]

25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic
1) Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.
2) Your partner tells you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.
3) Your partner doesn't want you to see or talk to friends or family.
4) Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.
5) Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail.
6) Your partner calls you often to see what you are doing.
7) You cry often or feel depressed over your relationship.
8) Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.
9) Your partner wants you to be dependent on him.
10) Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.
11) Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
12) You don't know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive.
13) Your friends/family don't like your partner or don't think he is good for you.
14) You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not your taste.
15) You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.
16) Your partner has made you feel afraid or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).
17) You don't feel you have control of your life anymore.
18) Your self-esteem is lower since you've been with your partner.
19) You think it's up to you to make the relationship work.
20) You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn't understand.
21) Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid.
22) Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous.
23) Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next.
24) Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you.
25) You can't remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.

 

[Bublin]

I was in a toxic relationship.

My ex is a Narcissist. An emotional vampire - instead of wanting your blood they enjoy watching you on an emotional rollercoaster. You are their emotional supply as they are void of emotion themselves. They are cold, neither happy or sad. When they see you are happy they make you sad, when they see that you are sad they will make you happy. You become confused, broken down and believe that you are the one that is mentally ill. They love watching you turn into a wreck.

Run if you are experiencing this and go No Contact.

 

[sweetvi]

I pray this is a siggy!!! Had I known this one year and a half ago..I would of ran like the wind. I experience several of these (# 1, 3, 7, 11, 13 to name a few) with my ex. It was by the grace of God and support of friends that he did notbreak me...

 

[Evolving78]

I was in a toxic relationship.

My ex is a Narcissist. An emotional vampire - instead of wanting your blood they enjoy watching you on an emotional rollercoaster. You are their emotional supply as are void of emotion themselves. They are cold, neither happy or sad. When they see you are happy they make you sad, when they see that you are sad they will make you happy. You become confused, broken down and believe that you are the one that is mentally ill. They love watching you turn into a wreck.

Run if you are experiencing this and go No Contact.

you described what i went through to a T! had me seeing therapists and on pills. i was going crazy. thank God for deliverance!

 

[ArrrBeee]

you described what i went through to a T! had me seeing therapists and on pills. i was going crazy. thank God for deliverance!

You and me both. I didn't take pills but I sure spent lots of time praying and good money to get myself back together.

Sometimes I feel dumb that I didn't recognize this sooner. All I can do is look forward and be grateful that I have peace of mind, good health and most importantly faith and hope.

BTW- I experienced 1-3, 6-11, 16, 18, 19, 21, 23-25

 

[kim]

Thanks for this post! I was definitely in a Toxic/Narcisstic relationship. I agree with ArrrBeee, I felt soooo dumb for not recognizing things sooner. And for taking so long to get myself out of the situation. I finally have a peace of mind.

 

[Bublin]

Ladies do not feel dumb.
You forget that they are skilled at being evil.
They have practiced it all their life.

They know how to mask it just enough when you first meet. Sure we can admit we ignored the red flags but they are soooo charming, usually very good looking and seem to have everything, that we overlook those flags.

A friend in the mental health team alerted me to Narcissism. She gave me a name for what i was going through. She said, Bublin, you may have signed up to be with an ar*sehole but you didn't sign up to be with an abusive man.
As soon as they think we are comfortable with them..bam....they will go full force, yes that full force is still so subtle, like a drip feed of pain and anguish but by the time you realise what their game is you have hit rock bottom and seem to need them like drug addicts need their next fix...they supply us with a tiny bit of happiness (were you ever grateful just to receive a hug from him) and then bring us down again.

I won't even go into their skills of Projecting .

It takes a mighty strong woman to break free from this kind of person and come out the other end sane. Remember, these men usually target strong but slightly vulnerable women. It's more fun to watch a strong woman crumble. i have read stories where some women have committed suicide.

When you do free yourself from these people you will eventually feel of huge sense of calm and peace.

I am waiting for the day when mental/emotional abuse is recognised under the same umbrealla as domestic abuse. Unfortunately Narcissism is a Personality Disorder, not a mental illness therefore it is rare to diagnose, just by it's very nature. They easily fool professionals, it's only those very close to them (ie their partner/wife) that know what they are like whilst the rest of the world think he is the greatest man on earth.

 

[Fine 4s]

I know those or that one...I never questioned myself so much in my life. I got to a point where I got angry and would fight back and left only when I was mentally exhausted...

 

[tinkat]

Yep I definitely know what it feels like to be in one. Made me much wiser person. Masters of manipulation. I use to always tell him he was full of **** bc deep down I knew I wasn't crazy. They gaslight the hell out of you.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Bublin]

^^^ I am afraid to watch that film, Gaslight. Have you seen it @tinkat ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKcDeEcti70&feature=fvwrel
In this clip he hides his watch in her bag. I have cried in public before - in despair and confusion.


I'm even too afraid to read 50 Shades of Grey because it's all about manipulation of the mind.

 

[tinkat]

Bublin

No have never heard of the movie but it seems interesting.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[BlueEra]

I feel like most of my relationships have been toxic. I'm learning how to love myself before I can love someone else. To be honest, I don't see myself loving another man again, let alone being in a relationship.

My last relationship lasted 4 years on-and-off and it's been so painful. He brought out the very worst in me...hurt me a million times. He played so many mind games that I need therapy in order to get over it now...

 

[kim]

Bublin- You are so right about the strong but vulnerable woman, and how to they seem as if they are trying to break you. I have said to my ex plenty of times that it really seemed as if he secretly hated me and was trying to break me or if he was trying to pay me back for something.
BlueEra- I understand how you feel, I can't even wrap my mind around being in a relationship/love again.

 

[sweetvi]

Actually the best gift ever was him breaking up with me! I also think that was a ploy for me to beg him back and to show he had the upper hand. I felt sooo hurt but so relieved and also free!! And me being the stubborn person I am, I refused to contact him and I owe it to God! My prayer was if he is not for me then get him out my life and we broke up shortly after. A couple of months later he did call me to check up on me, but I was at such a good place that I knew I was not going back!

 

[DarkJoy]

25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic
1) Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.
2) Your partner tells you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.
3) Your partner doesn't want you to see or talk to friends or family.
4) Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.
5) Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail.
6) Your partner calls you often to see what you are doing.
7) You cry often or feel depressed over your relationship.
8) Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.
9) Your partner wants you to be dependent on him.
10) Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.
11) Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
12) You don't know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive.
13) Your friends/family don't like your partner or don't think he is good for you.
14) You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not your taste.
15) You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.
16) Your partner has made you feel afraid or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).
17) You don't feel you have control of your life anymore.
18) Your self-esteem is lower since you've been with your partner.
19) You think it's up to you to make the relationship work.
20) You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn't understand.
21) Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid.
22) Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous.
23) Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next.
24) Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you.
25) You can't remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.

For 20 years: #2, 3, 9 (but the reverse--couldn't force him to get a real job), 14-20, 24 & 25.

I will add because this was by far the worst:

26) your partner gaslights you - distorting your sense of reality making you feel like the crazy one. Example: he tells you he went to the store and bought eggs. You ask about it days later. No, he says, I didn't buy eggs, YOU did! Remember? You think about. It because it was such a busy week and think "maybe I did and just forgot!" Imagine this when your partner drags up "facts" from years ago in an argument to make his point. You don't remember so trust that his memory is right, so concede your point. This is massive manipulation and will near drive you insane. Usually this is projecting their own bad behavior onto you.

27) your partner is passive-aggressive. Mine was king of this. We would disagree or id ask him to do something he didn't want. So he would basically keep his back to me for several days literally and just grunt when I spoke to him.

Many times he was a combination of 26 and 27 if he was in a mood. He'd say he was going to buy eggs and forget. I go to cook eggs and say,"I thought you were gonna buy eggs the other day?" He says no, he had asked YOU to buy them and YOU forgot.

Yes, I spent several years on the therapist couch particularly for 26 and was medicated for panic attacks.

We are divorcing now. Wish I could go no contact but we have a child together. He STILL PULLS 26 but luckily there's emotional distance now.

Get out anyone dealing with this. I swear its shaved years off my life.

 

[DarkJoy]

Ladies do not feel dumb.
You forget that they are skilled at being evil.
They have practiced it all their life.

They know how to mask it just enough when you first meet. Sure we can admit we ignored the red flags but they are soooo charming, usually very good looking and seem to have everything, that we overlook those flags.

A friend in the mental health team alerted me to Narcissism. She gave me a name for what i was going through. She said, Bublin, you may have signed up to be with an ar*sehole but you didn't sign up to be with an abusive man.
As soon as they think we are comfortable with them..bam....they will go full force, yes that full force is still so subtle, like a drip feed of pain and anguish but by the time you realise what their game is you have hit rock bottom and seem to need them like drug addicts need their next fix...they supply us with a tiny bit of happiness (were you ever grateful just to receive a hug from him) and then bring us down again.

I won't even go into their skills of Projecting .

It takes a mighty strong woman to break free from this kind of person and come out the other end sane. Remember, these men usually target strong but slightly vulnerable women. It's more fun to watch a strong woman crumble. i have read stories where some women have committed suicide.

When you do free yourself from these people you will eventually feel of huge sense of calm and peace.

I am waiting for the day when mental/emotional abuse is recognised under the same umbrealla as domestic abuse. Unfortunately Narcissism is a Personality Disorder, not a mental illness therefore it is rare to diagnose, just by it's very nature. They easily fool professionals, it's only those very close to them (ie their partner/wife) that know what they are like whilst the rest of the world think he is the greatest man on earth.

Dang Bublin. You nailed it.

Thanks for this.

 

[Bublin]

@DarkJoy - You are right, Gaslighting and Projecting needs to be added to the list.

I wrote a whole essay but i deleted by mistake. In short I suggest you go Low Contact if you have a child with the him. I have a child with my ex-Narc and for us normal people Low Contact takes time to fully impliment as it involves shutting off all of your emotion when you see him. I literally prep myself before I open the door when he picks up and drops off dd. Do not smile, do not look a bit sad, do not act over happy, do not act mad. Nothing - just like the empty space in their heart. Do not speak unless you absolutely have to and then, keep it very short. My ex speaks small talk to try and engage me and I literally act like he never spoke. This I have learned to do after 2 years practice at it....it's very hard not to respond when someone speaks to you (well fr normal people it's hard!) What they then see is a reflection of themselves and they cannot bear it. They crave reaction.

Even when they have a new woman in their life they will not leave you alone. You are now known as a Secondary Source. If for whatever reason they are not getting their fill from the new woman they will then try and engage you, whether it be small talk (which always turns into drama) or they will start straight-up drama.
He will go into a Narcissitic rage if you don't resepond. Remember the vampire needs blood - lol. His rage is passive aggressive so he will walk away with a poker face but rest assured he will find another temporary target.

Of course as our children get older they become a source too. There is nothing you can do but show your child what 'normal' emotion is, shower them with real love and as they grow they will realise that their father is 'not right' and makes them feel confused.

 

[DarkJoy]

Bublin you just wrote the last 2 years of my life! Girl, you've done a lot of research. I might have to inbox you if that's ok...

 

[Bublin]

DarkJoy inbox me anytime.