Time to break up!? Long Post

[Vixen17]

I've been with my So for 9 years. I was 16 when we started dating, and he was 18/19. He was a loving person, he has a daughter he had during our initial meeting- like when i was just talkingto him. But thats not really the issue. I am now going to be 26 in December, He is 28. During our relationship of up and downs, I have received one degree and now I working on a second degree in nursing. In order to pursue my dream I had to quit my fulltime job and depend alot on my parents. He works a fulltime job and was pursuing an associates degree, he took many semesters off and never finished. Now I am getting to the point that I want a more adult relationship and i ams tarting to realize that I am not sure if this man can be a man to provide for me and a family. He never has money, he can never help me with any bills and he complains if I ask him for like 50 bucks! He always makes smart comments about me getting my stuff together...but I am about to finish degree 2!!
Recently I had a serious conversation with him about things that I expect from a man that is going to be in my life. He seemed to understand, but how long do i wait to see if those changes take effects!?
I think I'm falling out of love, but there is a chance that it can work. I have never really dating and I think i'm scared to be on my own.

Am I being superficial!? Am I being selfish!? I told him alot of the things I used to do for him i wont be doing anymore because I just dont want to, like picking him up from work, bringing him dinner, driving him around( even though he has a licencem, he claims to have a fear of driving). He says i'm being nasty, but I already proved to him the type of wife I can be, He needs to show me the type of husband he can be... Help.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

I say...you move on...if after 9 years he hasn't shown you the traits you want in a husband...he most likely doesn't have them...

Don't settle for any b.s. just because this is where you're comfortable...I know how easy it can be to flow with the familiar

 

[Bunny77]

^^^What she said.

He's too old to be acting like that, AND he's a parent too? Wow, what a poor example to set as a father.

Move on.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Girl, you sound like you're going somewhere and he wants to be in the passenger side. KIM if you must. He also sounds like a downer.

 

[ThickHair]

Stop playing wife cuz you are not the wife. Men can get lazy when a woman is playing the wife. A few years down the road you might ask, why he won't marry me. WHY SHOULD HE? You played wife without being the wife.

IMHO, he will do for his WIFE, sadly I don't think it is going to be you.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Take a serious look at the years you have spent with this man & how you have progressed but he has not. Nine years is a long time to spend with someone who is not progressing even if you met when he was only 18/19.

I just have to ask. Why is he always broke? Does he have custody of his child & spends all his money taking care of her?

 

[Vixen17]

Stop playing wife cuz you are not the wife. Men can get lazy when a woman is playing the wife. A few years down the road you might ask, why he won't marry me. WHY SHOULD HE? You played wife without being the wife.

IMHO, he will do for his WIFE, sadly I don't think it is going to be you.

I have those feelings...like why am I waiting so long for someone to be interested in buying a ring or step up.... thanks!!

 

[Almaz]

Well all things come to and end you are not the same person 9 years ago you are growing learning becoming more educated and going places. He seems to be stagnant. Have a long talk with him and see where his head is at. If he is not really to buckle down and do something about his life and his education, MARRIAGE heck you won't have to break up with him anyway you will just leave him in the dust.

He has not married you in all this time. Sadly I don't think it will happen you played wife without the ring of the marriage papers. He is lazy and used to the situation and I am sure in his mind you will always be there like a safe harbour. Because you always have been. So why mess with the status quo. Nine years he should have been on the way to a Masters Track.

Again have a talk if it does not change move on and let the lord make room for someone in your life that is on the same level without all the mess.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I was in this same situation last and decided to end the relationship. It was the same scenario except he didn't have a child and we met when I was 17.

 

[Vixen17]

Take a serious look at the years you have spent with this man & how you have progressed but he has not. Nine years is a long time to spend with someone who is not progressing even if you met when he was only 18/19.

I just have to ask. Why is he always broke? Does he have custody of his child & spends all his money taking care of her?

NO! He doesn't have custody. His excuse is his rent and bills etc etc..But everyone has bills! So do I...but I make some room for the things I want to do. He has never taken me on a vacation or bought me a real nice gift ever! Just not what you expect from an adult relationship. I feel horrible like i'm clowning him, but what happens when I start bringing in a good salary and I only have me to take care of, will he be expecting me to pay for everything he was not able to do!? I just feel cheated.

 

[Vixen17]

Again have a talk if it does not change move on and let the lord make room for someone in your life that is on the same level without all the mess.

Thats how I honestly feel, I feel like someone else is out there to complement me a little more- I mean be more my match.

 

[tinkat]

You are not being superficial, you are just growing. I was going through something kind of similar earlier this year with my ex who I was with since I started college. I felt like our relationship was at a standstill and I was moving on and he was just there. It was hard for me to do bc he was a great person, but after almost 6 years I had to let it go. This happen right when I began to pursue my second degree. Do what is in your heart and if there is no desire to be there, move on. That is what I did.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Sounds like my sister situation a little. Move on. If you stay, YOU'RE SETTLING!

 

[TayMac]

Time to move on. You have outgrown the relationship. Doesn't sound like he's ready to step up to the plate anytime soon.

 

[Almaz]

Clowning him Sheeeoootttt he clowning you. In the 9 years you were together you cannot possibly tell me that there was not one time he was flushed with a little Cash to buy you something nice or take you for a weekened at a B&B which does not cost an arm a leg and your first born child.

Oh hell naw who's clowning now.

 

[preciouzone]

The fact that you FEEL cheated is a sign and your intuition
letting you know that there's gotta be a better way... or a
better man!

When I think of a man that really respects/loves his woman he
values being able to protect and provide for her. And better yet,
he will do whatever he has to do in order to do so.

If you stay in this relationship you will learn how to resent him and/or
yourself for staying so long. Whatever issues are going on now and
whatever you are feeling will only magnify as time goes on, especially
if you guys end up marrying or something - if he doesn't of course get
his act together.

Don't be afraid to do what you feel will be the best decision for you.
Have you spoken to your parents about this? Maybe they can provide
some insight to this situation.

One last thing... come up with a list of the top 5-7 things that you would
value from your most ideal mate. For example... if higher education is one,
then add that. If it's supportive ... add that. And then just merely compare
that to your current mate. This will kind of expose what you are working with
and show you that perhaps you are settling just a bit?

Anyways, good luck with your decision - seems like you kind of already know
what to do and just wanted some additional advice. Let us know how it goes.

 

[jada1111]

Girl just be happy you're still in your twenties and you HAVE NO KIDS FROM THIS MAN to tie you to him when you do dump him.

You will, right? It's obvious you're not in love with him anymore. Your fear of being along is what keeps thousands of women trapped in dead-end relationships and misery. Just be lucky YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS from him.

 

[jada1111]

Thats how I honestly feel, I feel like someone else is out there to complement me a little more- I mean be more my match.

Yes, that person does exist and you'll meet him one day. You may have to go through a few frogs until you do, but those experiences will make you appreciate him more when you do meet him.