those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still young?

[kurlybella]

no one ever talks about this part of an significant age gap relationship, but i'd like to know.

when you marry a man that's 15-20 years older, how do you cope in the later years when he's 70 and you are 50, for example? when you are still young and vibrant and he (perhaps) is breaking down, now moves slower, battling impotency and aging at a rapid rate?

or when you have kids and they are late 60's to 70 when the child is 10 years old or so.

how do they keep up with childcare and life in general? i'm thinking of the 60-70 year olds i know and i just don't see it being the same at all. but maybe others have different experiences.

what is this like?

anyone have any experiences with this?

 

[runwaydream]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

i was dating a guy who was 10 yrs older and i often worried about this. great thread! i'd love to hear the responses.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

^^Same here. Dated a guy who was 10 years older and I felt the same way. Actually, this is why I prefer men close to my own age.

 

[aribell]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Me too...I really like older men. I could easily see myself with someone 20 years older than myself , but the prospect of being a full time nurse before reaching seniorhood myself is just too much.

Hopefully someone will chime in.

 

[phynestone]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I'd love to hear more thoughts about this. I see myself being married to an older man, but I think 10 years is my limit.

 

[Transformer]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Well I've told of my experience many times. My mom was 31 and my father was 65 when I was born. MY MOTHER had a miserable marriage. She had to attend social functions and travel by herself.

I often teased my father that he married his "Social Security." Of course she ended up being his caretaker as years progressed. I would never date an older man....five years is pushing it for me. I became enraged when my niece was dating a man 18 years older than her.

 

[Aveena]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I can be the nurse... if we had a good 10+ years relationship prior to him ailing. 10-15 year difference in age is my limit.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Never...he could be no more than 2 to 3 years older than me. This started when I turned 19....I'm 41 and I still feel the same way. No thanks.

Heck now at my age, he could be 2 to 3 years younger than me too No more than that though.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I have to say that the woman gets the short end of the stick when she marries a much older man. Unless she has some serious drawbacks she needs to compensate for, marrying a man who's only a bit older is the best bet.

I mean, he gets the young, firm and sexy toy... she gets a more financially secure man (maybe!). He gets props from everyone for snagging a trophy... she gets called (or thought to be) a gold-digging bimbo. He gets a nursemaid when he's old and frail... and she gets to be a nursemaid while she's still young and healthy, and then to die alone in her old age! What kind of carp is that!

 

[Britt]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I have always wondered this !
I personally don't see myself w/ anyone 10 yrs my senior tho. Ideally, 5-7 yrs would be good... but somone like 15+ yrs older? Nah..... Then again, I feel some kinda way about people dating folks that are 20 yrs their junior, and this goes for men and women. That thread in the ET forum about that 43 yr old being pregnant by a 19 yr old . I know if that were my 20 yr old brother, I'd want to beat the brakes off that bytch! ... and I am a calm person ... Sorry, I got off topic.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

this is why 10yrs is my limit....I'm not tryna be 40 somethin and still vibrant only to become a nursemaid for the next 10-15 yrs.....not a good look. I want to start dating older but I don't wanna get carried away....10yrs max.

 

[phynestone]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Well I've told of my experience many times. My mom was 31 and my father was 65 when I was born. MY MOTHER had a miserable marriage. She had to attend social functions and travel by herself.

I often teased my father that he married his "Social Security." Of course she ended up being his caretaker as years progressed. I would never date an older man....five years is pushing it for me. I became enraged when my niece was dating a man 18 years older than her.

I have to ask....why did your mom marry someone so much older? I understand having an older man with experience is great, but dang!

 

[Triniwegian]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I can speak from what I have observed with my aunt and uncle, he is 15 years older than her. Now, he is 69 and she is 54, he has started to become less interested in socializing, when he does something; go for walks, drive his car, or go golfing, he prefers to do it by himself.
They have seperate bedrooms, no sex life...for years. My aunt is still in her prime and she likes to go out, dance, travel, socialize but as my uncle gets older he is becoming more and more silent and not social.
I know she is struggling and she feels lonely in the marriage because in addition to "retreating" he doesn't want to be bothered with what he calls trivial stuff, he doesn't want to takl about the marriage and feelings, he is doing fine so he shows no understanding when my aunt tries to make him see things from her perspective.
I am very close with my aunt and we talk a lot, she had told me that he has been a great provider and she never had to worry about him cheating or being dishonest, but I know she wouldn't have chosen an older man if she had to do it all over.

I would never marry an older man, my SO is my age and he is mature for his age, I want us to grow old together, not watching him wither away long before me.

 

[Makenzie]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

A 35yr old woman I know just married a 71 yr old man last month. We're not tight, otherwise I would have asked her the many questions running through my head.

I don't get it. At all.

 

[Transformer]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I have to ask....why did your mom marry someone so much older? I understand having an older man with experience is great, but dang!

My mother became a widow with 5 children at the age of 23. Her youngest child was 2 months old when her then husband was killed. She stated that he wasn't a good provider, cheated on her--which resulted in his death. She was poor as hell and there weren't that many takers for someone with five kids.

My father provided the best he could, didn't cheat, didn't drink, didn't play cards, religious as hell, and apparently was very active sexually late, late in his years. But he was also EXTREMELY controlling and absolutely no fun socially--TRADEOFFS!

Folks also consider children--I absolutely despised having an old parent. I loved him, but it was difficult not having a parent that PLAYED with you---he was all about discipline. By the way, he was blind by the time I turned 4...but he taught me to read. I excelled academically because of his tight discipline....but had big time social issues.

 

[rafikichick92]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

My mother became a widow with 5 children at the age of 23. Her youngest child was 2 months old when her then husband was killed. She stated that he wasn't a good provider, cheated on her--which resulted in his death. She was poor as hell and there weren't that many takers for someone with five kids.

My father provided the best he could, didn't cheat, didn't drink, didn't play cards, religious as hell, and apparently was very active sexually late, late in his years. But he was also EXTREMELY controlling and absolutely no fun socially--TRADEOFFS!

Folks also consider children--I absolutely despised having an old parent. I loved him, but it was difficult not having a parent that PLAYED with you---he was all about discipline. By the way, he was blind by the time I turned 4...but he taught me to read. I excelled academically because of his tight discipline....but had big time social issues.

This. My parents aren't even that old (my mom had me at like 36/37) in the grand scheme of things, but it was old enough be slowing down physically, not wanting to play with us because they were tired, etc. That's why I've always wanted to marry a younger person and have kids on the younger side of life, so I'll have the energy to interact with them like they deserve.

 

[cutiebe2]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

My dad was 10 years older than my mom. She said at times they were in two different places in their lives, her in college, him established with his career. He was eager to have kids (im his only child, had me when he was 46)

I have an older dad and its not fair because you have to worry about their health at a time when they should still be worrying about yours.

 

[chickle]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

A 35yr old woman I know just married a 71 yr old man last month. We're not tight, otherwise I would have asked her the many questions running through my head.

I don't get it. At all.

He must have been rich.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I ain't gonna lie - this is the thing that worries me most about my relationship with Dutch Chocolate (15 year age difference) - more than race, more than religion, more than political viewpoint.

 

[ThickHair]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

My dad was 25 years older than my mom and we have had many conversations with her telling me to not marry an old man. She explained everything. I have dated "Old" men but I would never marry one.

 

[Almaz]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Just make sure you have a DAMN Good arse insurance policy

Tis All

Later

 

[dede1129]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I am 24 and my husband is 39 and trust me it is all about the individual person. In the beginning age was NOT an issue at all because we are both very active. when we started having communication issues I would go and have doubts about the age difference but in reality that had nothing to do with it. Every man is different regardl;ess of age. I ahve dated guys younger than me who were alot less active than my husband is. I have always dated older men because I was ready to settle down at an early age. Now that we have been married for 3 years and we have a beautiful daughter, I am looking forward to many more years together and the age thing doesnt bother me. We have our set of issues every now and then but age is not one of them. I wouold definitely not let his age stop me from being with someone I believe God had for me.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

My sister in law is married to a man who is about 20 years her senior and their marriage is miserable. He reminds me of a grumpy old man really. He never wants to go out, he even complains about coming to family functions in front of family. He dresses like an old guy and is rude. When everyone sees them the first they say is why is she with that old dude, because age really hit him hard. Seeing their marriage its not something I would advise because its clear they are in two different places in life.

 

[donna894]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Well I've told of my experience many times. My mom was 31 and my father was 65 when I was born. MY MOTHER had a miserable marriage. She had to attend social functions and travel by herself.

I often teased my father that he married his "Social Security." Of course she ended up being his caretaker as years progressed. I would never date an older man....five years is pushing it for me. I became enraged when my niece was dating a man 18 years older than her.

I remember your posts in that thread http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=415682&highlight=marrying+older+man

A lot of good info there

 

[msdeevee]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Wow, y'all think 10 years difference is a big age gap?

I guess when your young it can feel that way. I have many friends 10 years older or younger than me and we have everything in common. We like the same things and nobody is disabled.

If your 49 and the man is 59 what's the big deal?

Anybody at any age can become disabled and need constant care.

I don't know, I don't see that as a big age gap . JMHO

 

[phynestone]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

My dad was 25 years older than my mom and we have had many conversations with her telling me to not marry an old man. She explained everything. I have dated "Old" men but I would never marry one.

Do you mind expounding on her viewpoints?

 

[exoticmommie]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

I can speak from what I have observed with my aunt and uncle, he is 15 years older than her. Now, he is 69 and she is 54, he has started to become less interested in socializing, when he does something; go for walks, drive his car, or go golfing, he prefers to do it by himself.
They have seperate bedrooms, no sex life...for years. My aunt is still in her prime and she likes to go out, dance, travel, socialize but as my uncle gets older he is becoming more and more silent and not social.
I know she is struggling and she feels lonely in the marriage because in addition to "retreating" he doesn't want to be bothered with what he calls trivial stuff, he doesn't want to takl about the marriage and feelings, he is doing fine so he shows no understanding when my aunt tries to make him see things from her perspective.
I am very close with my aunt and we talk a lot, she had told me that he has been a great provider and she never had to worry about him cheating or being dishonest, but I know she wouldn't have chosen an older man if she had to do it all over.

I would never marry an older man, my SO is my age and he is mature for his age, I want us to grow old together, not watching him wither away long before me.

My mother became a widow with 5 children at the age of 23. Her youngest child was 2 months old when her then husband was killed. She stated that he wasn't a good provider, cheated on her--which resulted in his death. She was poor as hell and there weren't that many takers for someone with five kids.

My father provided the best he could, didn't cheat, didn't drink, didn't play cards, religious as hell, and apparently was very active sexually late, late in his years. But he was also EXTREMELY controlling and absolutely no fun socially--TRADEOFFS!

Folks also consider children--I absolutely despised having an old parent. I loved him, but it was difficult not having a parent that PLAYED with you---he was all about discipline. By the way, he was blind by the time I turned 4...but he taught me to read. I excelled academically because of his tight discipline....but had big time social issues.

How was he killed from cheating. Just being nosy.

My sister in law is married to a man who is about 20 years her senior and their marriage is miserable. He reminds me of a grumpy old man really. He never wants to go out, he even complains about coming to family functions in front of family. He dresses like an old guy and is rude. When everyone sees them the first they say is why is she with that old dude, because age really hit him hard. Seeing their marriage its not something I would advise because its clear they are in two different places in life.

These sound like my grandmother, my grandfather (really step grandfather) is older than her but I don't know by how much, from what I understand it is quite a bit. She is a very upbeat person and would never talk bad about her husband. But I remember her complaining ever since I was young, that he didn't want do anything. Never wanted to go anywhere. Barley talked to her. He was always so mean to us, and never did anything for us grandkids (he only was nice and loving to his real grandaughter). He was also wasn't very supportive or loving toward his step kids, our parents, just his real son, so no suprise. Now he is sick and my grandmother has been taking care of him. He has always been kinda sickly and she has always had to essentially do everything around the house. But since she is older too, her son (my grandfaters real son) has been helping to take care of him. No one really cares about him. My parents visited him in the hospital once, and went on about their business. I live out of town. So I couldn't visit, even if I wanted to.

 

[Bunny77]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

Wow, y'all think 10 years difference is a big age gap?

I guess when your young it can feel that way. I have many friends 10 years older or younger than me and we have everything in common. We like the same things and nobody is disabled.

If your 49 and the man is 59 what's the big deal?

Anybody at any age can become disabled and need constant care.

I don't know, I don't see that as a big age gap . JMHO

10 was my limit. Well, maybe 12... like a 32 year old and a 44 year old don't seem that bad.

My rule of thumb was that if you were old enough to be my daddy going by a general national average of first sexual experience (so, say, 15-16 years old), then you were too old for me!

I think it's fine to want a more mature man, but I think that younger women REALLY need to think about a large age gap and if that "maturity" is so cool when he's 60 and she's 39-40, etc.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

My limit is ten years, but I might push to 12. Right now my SO is a few years older than me. I've never dated a guy that much older, however I would consider it if he was very active, and interesting. I came about my number because of my parents. I decided that if you split the years between my age and theres in half...guy couldn't be older than that or else he's closer to my dad's age and I might as well be calling him papa...though he might like that

 

[Nina_deF]

Re: those who married OLDER MEN - what happens when HE GETS OLD and you are still you

It's funny, I was thinking about this the other day.
There was a pic in the paper with a Swedish actor, his wife and children.
The actor is 72, his wife 41 and the youngest children 10 (twins).
He was born in 1937.
I meet this actor back in the 80's and I must say that he was VERY charismatic, attractive, charming but the age thing.....

The wife is successful all by herself... she's a cook, I think....
But the age thing kills me. My husband was 48 when our child was born and that's about as old as I'll go!