They want to have sex with "bad" girls but they want to date/marry "good" girls.

G

gone_fishing

New Member
One of my little cousins is not so little anymore. Anyway she's about to start her first year in college and she went clothes shopping...much to her mother's dismay she is none to happy with this hoochie collection that her daughter plans to go to college with.

So I've been trying to talk to her.

She doesn't get it though.

She wants to know why the guys give all their attention to the girls who dress more provocatively. I tried to explain to her that she should not be jealous of the girls who dress that way because she is not getting the type of attention she really wants. I tried to explain to her that just because a guy shows interest in your physique doesn't mean he's interested in your brain or the goings on of your heart.

I told her that whenever she sees a woman being drooled over because of how short her skirt is just know in her mind that the guy is really after her assets and not after a relationship and those are entirely two different things.

I think I'm going to have to give her refresher courses pretty frequently to keep her down to earth but I hope I have at least helped her see the difference between a guy who truly likes you and a guy who just wants to poke you for fun.

As a teenager were you ever confused about the difference between the two things and if so, at what age did you realize how things work.
 
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I was confused, especially when body parts start to arrive that you didn't know would just "pop". I knew what the game was about because I had alot of guy friends that would let me know what the deal was.

I will say though that I had to learn the line between flauting what you have (nice legs, bust, whatever) and letting it all hang out. I would say that I learned that when I was aroung 19 or so. I really never let it all hang out because I my self esteen was piss poor so no matter my size, in my head I was a size 30. Whats crazy though is I look at women in their 30s and they still haven't learned where the line is. I mean the line is fine but its still there.
 
I don't think I was confused...

I have always known how to dress sexy without being slutty.

This is something that women should learn.

I think the key is if the top is revealing go more conservative on the bottom or vice versa:drunk:
 
I wasn't confused about it.

I feel bad for your neice, it's great that she has someone she can talk with.
 
No I wasn't confused in my teens. My parents weren't having a sexy dressing teen in their house. To this day, I am very conservative.

Keep encouraging her. It's nice that you are, since so much pressure is on little girls to be "sexy" before they're really able to handle it.
 
I just talked about this with DH...he says that the reason most men feel this way is because they don't want to have a child with a whore...

He doesn't want to be with someone that has been with his friends...he also wants to be sure that the child is his:ohwell:

I can see where he is coming from but I don't buy the whole classifying women into two different categories...why can't I be the sexy wife vixen:look:
 
I'mmma put it out there: I was EXTREMELY confused!

I had a couple of things going; first, I had the ugly duckling syndrome (went from "ugly" to "cute with a body" overnight) and I didn't know how to handle it cause I'd never had it; and second, I had a very strict father that tried to keep me from everything, so that made me want to do everything behind his back to "see what I was missing".

Please talk to your cousin, try to get her to see that she's not missing anything. I wish that I'd had someone to talk to about how I was feeling and what was happening to me when I was that age.
 
I wasn't confused either. I think most girls know the deal. Its just that a lot of 'em are coming off of that "awkward teen/puberty" stage and feel the need to show off their new assets, and how well they can fill out that low-cut top or tight skirt. Besides that, a lot of kids are just trying to grow up too fast. Wearing sexy clothes makes them feel more grown up, like they've somehow graduated from being a "kid."
 
I was aware of it, but i wasnt so aware that it prevented me from dating guys who wasn't about nothing. i think u can continue to talk to her, but sometimes girls must learn thru experience, so it is also very crucial that you teach her about self-esteem, condoms, pregnancy and AIDS. She may be the type of chick that wants to get her 'feet wet' and if she is of age then there really isnt nothing much you can do, but you should explain to her how how many guys she sleeps with and how many guys dogg her, this will have a direct effect on her self esteem. So she must protect her self esteem cause nobody wants to be broken... so maybe she will take that into consideration. And maybe you can tell her that IF she is looking to get her feet wet that she must promise a 4month rule (or however many months), so she canfind a guy who is willing to be her boyfriend, as opposed to just being someone's jumpoff. Make all guys wait a few months to prove themselves so that the ones who only want her panties would have proven that by now. the main goal is that she comes out of college with a 4yr degree, with no pregnancies, no diseases and her self-esteem in tact! good luck!
 
trimbride said:
I don't think I was confused...

I have always known how to dress sexy without being slutty.

This is something that women should learn.

I think the key is if the top is revealing go more conservative on the bottom or vice versa:drunk:
Click to expand...


I agree with this. You can be sexy without being slutty. Yes I do wear provocative clothing from time to time but I keep it classy. It's not just what you wear, but also how you wear it. And how you carry yourself.

Also, we have to remember that there is a time and place for everything. I'm the queen of the freakum dress but I wouldn't put it on and walk down the street in the middle of the day with some stilettos on. That's not the place for that. I'd certainly be attracting the wrong kind of attention. But to the club is a different story. You can't have everything hanging out (if anything) at the same time. Show skin in moderation.
 
I didn't go through that as a teenager. I had to wait for my dad to die before I even dared wear a V-neck and even thought of having sex. He would have killed me. Seriously. Cuz my father was one of "those men" who viewed women who dressed sexily as sluts.

It's good that you're gonna be there for her, though. I hope she listens.

I feel kind of bad for the 'good good' girls though. Because in college, ESPECIALLY in college...man, these guys won't pay them any attention until AFTER they've had their fill of the slutty girls. Is a good girl still innocent if she winds up married to a man who's been with all the bad girls? :ohwell: Or is she just the last pot of fondue he will ever dip his pretzel in?

bmore.... I get what you are saying by dressing sexy but carrying yourself classy... but do men REALLY notice the difference? Maybe an older guy would...but a college guy? I dunno. You're a very smart, savvy woman with style and confidence... some of these girls show off their body cuz it's all they have going for them, ya know? You have the brainpower to pull it off... but many girls don't. And then...everyone hates a tease, ya know? Girls that show it but don't give it are almost worse than the ones who show it and give it.

Most of my friends are guys...and I have a whole bunch of brothers who are reformed players... but I know a lot of guys hate a tease more than they hate a slut.

To the OP... I'd just give as much real-world advice as possible. Cuz you know how the college freshman is...sometimes they lose focus before the 1st semester is up. Maybe you could show her how sexy and smart a nice pair of slim cut black pants and a sheer cashmere-esque sweater over a lace trimmed cami looks... keep her covered but cute, ya know?

No Britney! Noooooo Britney! lol.

Maybe you could mention Gabrielle Union a whole bunch and how pretty Gabrielle Union is and how great her style is.
 
I figured it out pretty early on from hints from my mom...plus the first guy I ever crushed on had this same complex. :perplexed I think he still might.
 
bmoreflyygirl said:
I agree with this. You can be sexy without being slutty. Yes I do wear provocative clothing from time to time but I keep it classy. It's not just what you wear, but also how you wear it. And how you carry yourself.

Also, we have to remember that there is a time and place for everything. I'm the queen of the freakum dress but I wouldn't put it on and walk down the street in the middle of the day with some stilettos on. That's not the place for that. I'd certainly be attracting the wrong kind of attention. But to the club is a different story. You can't have everything hanging out (if anything) at the same time. Show skin in moderation.
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ditto to everything you said. i've got my own freakum dress but there is a time and place for everything. i have also learned how to be sexy while still dressing like a lady. for example, a floor length fitted dress with heels can be as sexy (or more) than a mini.
 
I cant even totally go from my experience because times are changing so much reently in regards to how much young girls show and who they look up to and music videos.

I remember when the thong song came out, every girl in school suddenly had thongs sticking up everywhere. This sex, breast implants, hot girl, video girl thing is so rife now. Its hard to get away from the feeling that thats what men want.
 
Good for you for mentoring her.

I grew up in a pretty conservative area, where most of the girls who dressed "slutty" were not the ones who you wanted to be in high school, so I never had the dressing problem.

I did have issues w/ the physical parts. Like why do I have ot go so far to get a boyfriend, but fortunately I had a very involved mother who guided me enough to keep my pants on. I also went through an ugly duckling phase and an very overweight phase, so I think that saved me from alot of mistakes. However I think sometimes you tell them what you can and then you let them live. If they want to learn the hard way their gonna have to learn like that. That's what my mom did for me when I went through a revealing phase in college, and I came out alright. Dated one creep, but I was better person for it. But keep that line of communication open with her, b/c you seem like someone she can look to as a good role model, and someone who will be understanding and honest when she has questions.:yep:
 
Suerte said:
I didn't go through that as a teenager. I had to wait for my dad to die before I even dared wear a V-neck and even thought of having sex. He would have killed me. Seriously. Cuz my father was one of "those men" who viewed women who dressed sexily as sluts.

It's good that you're gonna be there for her, though. I hope she listens.

I feel kind of bad for the 'good good' girls though. Because in college, ESPECIALLY in college...man, these guys won't pay them any attention until AFTER they've had their fill of the slutty girls. Is a good girl still innocent if she winds up married to a man who's been with all the bad girls? :ohwell: Or is she just the last pot of fondue he will ever dip his pretzel in?

bmore.... I get what you are saying by dressing sexy but carrying yourself classy... but do men REALLY notice the difference? Maybe an older guy would...but a college guy? I dunno. You're a very smart, savvy woman with style and confidence... some of these girls show off their body cuz it's all they have going for them, ya know? You have the brainpower to pull it off... but many girls don't. And then...everyone hates a tease, ya know? Girls that show it but don't give it are almost worse than the ones who show it and give it.

Most of my friends are guys...and I have a whole bunch of brothers who are reformed players... but I know a lot of guys hate a tease more than they hate a slut.

To the OP... I'd just give as much real-world advice as possible. Cuz you know how the college freshman is...sometimes they lose focus before the 1st semester is up. Maybe you could show her how sexy and smart a nice pair of slim cut black pants and a sheer cashmere-esque sweater over a lace trimmed cami looks... keep her covered but cute, ya know?

No Britney! Noooooo Britney! lol.

Maybe you could mention Gabrielle Union a whole bunch and how pretty Gabrielle Union is and how great her style is.
Click to expand...

Excellent ideas! Thank you!
 
trimbride said:
I just talked about this with DH...he says that the reason most men feel this way is because they don't want to have a child with a whore...

He doesn't want to be with someone that has been with his friends...he also wants to be sure that the child is his:ohwell:

I can see where he is coming from but I don't buy the whole classifying women into two different categories...why can't I be the sexy wife vixen:look:
Click to expand...

IMO and from talking to the DH, they want you to APPEAR in public, to his parents, as the good girl. But they also want to see in public a HINT of the bad girl...Then in the privacy of your own home, they want the "bad girl" to come on out. He's fine with me wearing short skirts and revealing clothes as long as he's with he. Meaning..."this is mine." BUT...he did say he'd want me to tame it once we had kids...same thing. Not wanting that image presented to the kids as something "desirable" at a young and impressinable age.
 
chiprecious said:
IMO and from talking to the DH, they want you to APPEAR in public, to his parents, as the good girl. But they also want to see in public a HINT of the bad girl...Then in the privacy of your own home, they want the "bad girl" to come on out. He's fine with me wearing short skirts and revealing clothes as long as he's with he. Meaning..."this is mine." BUT...he did say he'd want me to tame it once we had kids...same thing. Not wanting that image presented to the kids as something "desirable" at a young and impressinable age.
Click to expand...

One of my friends told me this last week. He said he wants his wife to be a Lady when in public and a freak in the bedroom because he's a gentleman-freak himself :lachen:. He's a nice guy being honest.
 
Hmmmmm.... :thinking:

Guys want to marry "good girls?" Well, if that were true I would've been married a long, long time ago. I remain unconvinced. :nono::nono::nono::nono::nono:
 
My freshman year a guy said to a group of us girls...."every man wants to drive a jetta; but no man wants to buy one."

Now what's so bad about Jettas? :lachen:


Anyway, about dressing too sexy, it is human to want to be noticed and appreciated and seen as attractive and desirable. It takes a lot of maturity, self-esteem, self-certainty and patience to appreciate this sentiment.

Adolescence is a popularity contest and all teens wanna win. I wanted to be sexy even though I knew what men were thinking. I didn't though, but I didn't like being ignored. The one or two times I tried I felt cheapened by men's reactions towards me. I got over it. I can't say I don't every often feel :wallbash: when i go somewhere all classy and covered and some woman looks so dang hot in her sexy dress and all the men have to look at their shoes to stop from staring. lol
 
MJ said:
One of my friends told me this last week. He said he wants his wife to be a Lady when in public and a freak in the bedroom because he's a gentleman-freak himself :lachen:. He's a nice guy being honest.
Click to expand...

ITA...men want balance and a challenge,meaning that they want u 2 know when 2 play "nice girl",ie. Knee length skirts & turtle necks,but they also want u 2 be able 2 go toe 2 toe with the best of the video vixens. we as black women need 2 get in touch with our inner whore...I know yall think I'm crazy right now,but ride with me on this thought...You see,men are extremely visual,that's why their heads turn when they see a scantily clad woman, they may tell u she looks like a "whore/slut/skank/etc",but in their minds and to their friends they say " that chick is HOT"....u must become "that girl they desire"...as long as u know how to balance your "bad bytch" / "nice girl" swagger u will keep them interested 4 life...

If u r dating,the 1st date step out in something fly of course but conservative,2nd date switch it up....go short and sexy....3rd date tone it down again...4th date..u get where I'm going,I hope..:)..men want the yin & the yang...now,I know yall ask who made me the authority on this?...lol...no one!...I date like its going out of style (I keep atleast 20 men on rotation),and ask lots of relationship questions,over dinner or course ;)... I have 4 brothers and a host of male relatives & friends whom I've interviewed for my upcoming book...stay tuned! ;)
 
i was confused about the game, and i wanted the attention that the Sluts were getting. i didnt have anyone to teach me, but over time my eyes where open probably at 18.
its hard when your young be real with her she'll get it.
 
I wasn't confused when I was a teenager because I was and still is an observer so I pretty much would see what guys liked and what they didn't like from observing their behavior and the feedback that they would give on different outfits and body types. I was never the type to dress too sexy at all in high school (I don't think);but guys would still be interested in me and tell me that I was sexy or cute. :yep:
 
patiencevirtue said:
ITA...men want balance and a challenge,meaning that they want u 2 know when 2 play "nice girl",ie. Knee length skirts & turtle necks,but they also want u 2 be able 2 go toe 2 toe with the best of the video vixens. we as black women need 2 get in touch with our inner whore...I know yall think I'm crazy right now,but ride with me on this thought...You see,men are extremely visual,that's why their heads turn when they see a scantily clad woman, they may tell u she looks like a "whore/slut/skank/etc",but in their minds and to their friends they say " that chick is HOT"....u must become "that girl they desire"...as long as u know how to balance your "bad bytch" / "nice girl" swagger u will keep them interested 4 life...

If u r dating,the 1st date step out in something fly of course but conservative,2nd date switch it up....go short and sexy....3rd date tone it down again...4th date..u get where I'm going,I hope..:)..men want the yin & the yang...now,I know yall ask who made me the authority on this?...lol...no one!...I date like its going out of style (I keep atleast 20 men on rotation),and ask lots of relationship questions,over dinner or course ;)... I have 4 brothers and a host of male relatives & friends whom I've interviewed for my upcoming book...stay tuned! ;)
Click to expand...

wow.. excellent tip! i'm so doing this from now on. i'm anxiously waiting for your book.
 
patiencevirtue said:
ITA...men want balance and a challenge,meaning that they want u 2 know when 2 play "nice girl",ie. Knee length skirts & turtle necks,but they also want u 2 be able 2 go toe 2 toe with the best of the video vixens. we as black women need 2 get in touch with our inner whore...I know yall think I'm crazy right now,but ride with me on this thought...You see,men are extremely visual,that's why their heads turn when they see a scantily clad woman, they may tell u she looks like a "whore/slut/skank/etc",but in their minds and to their friends they say " that chick is HOT"....u must become "that girl they desire"...as long as u know how to balance your "bad bytch" / "nice girl" swagger u will keep them interested 4 life...

If u r dating,the 1st date step out in something fly of course but conservative,2nd date switch it up....go short and sexy....3rd date tone it down again...4th date..u get where I'm going,I hope..:)..men want the yin & the yang...now,I know yall ask who made me the authority on this?...lol...no one!...I date like its going out of style (I keep atleast 20 men on rotation),and ask lots of relationship questions,over dinner or course ;)... I have 4 brothers and a host of male relatives & friends whom I've interviewed for my upcoming book...stay tuned! ;)
Click to expand...

Patience, I'm proud of you...rotate,:circle: rotate, rotate!!
I'd have never been able to do it!!:yep:
 
Determined22 said:
I'mmma put it out there: I was EXTREMELY confused!

Ihad a couple of things going; first, I had the ugly duckling syndrome (went from "ugly" to "cute with a body" overnight) and I didn't know how to handle it cause I'd never had it; and second, I had a very strict father that tried to keep me from everything, so that made me want to do everything behind his back to "see what I was missing".

Please talk to your cousin, try to get her to see that she's not missing anything. I wish that I'd had someone to talk to about how I was feeling and what was happening to me when I was that age.
Click to expand...

:lachen::lachen:I started laughing when I seen this one cuz I went through the same thing.
 
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