The Sex Talk

[Country gal]

I need some advice on what to say to my child about sex. He will be 11 this year. I feel the talk is long overdue. I know he is not having sex but he is going to middle school next year. I don't want him to get bad advice from his friends so I want to tackle the topic with him. How did your parents talk to you or what did you say to your child? Of course I want to preach to him to focus on his school work and not girls. I want him to remain a virgin and really wait for the right now. My lil boy is a girl magnet. I asked his dad to talk to him last year but he didn't.

My dad never talked to me about sex. He left it up to my mom. My mom gave me a book which I thought was interesting. Changed her mind and took back from me. LOL. She would tell me to focus on school but never really broke it down for me.

 

[Radianthealth]

I am 99% sure that he already knows. I think you should be clinical and honest about the whole thing. My mom has talked to me about sex since I can remember, I knew where babies came from when I was about 4 or 5 and I knew not to let anyone touch me or violate my space. This is important for both female and male children. Whenever I asked a question she answered it and was honest about it.

Parents really need to get over the embarrassment because nowadays this could be a life and death conversation. It is pertinent and one of the most important things my mother has ever done for me.


Don't sugar coat it, use the proper words and tell him about protecting himself and being responsible and not to fall into the presssures of this world. Tell him about the stuff that he may hear around the school yard, and what the truth behind these things really are. I was born in the 80s and I remember hearing things about sex as far back as preschool and kindergarten and it was pretty explicit

I would research online and maybe get him a book. I had the where did I come from book. It had two fat white people in it and talked about anatomy, puberty, sex, and procreating.

 

[camellia]

My parents were great. There was never just one "talk" but it was an on-going thing. When we were younger and just wanted to know where babies came form my Mom told us with just as much information as we wanted and in terms we could understand. Later on we talked about periods, sex, birth control... She bought us books and even if something embarrassed her she would bite the bullet and discuss it anyway. I have so much respect for my Mom for being so open and honest (even if she was blushing like a tomato! ).

I think trimbride is right, be probably already knows. My oldest is eight and he's know the "facts" since he was about five.


Don't say "privates" or "down there" use clinical terms so there will be no confusion. Explain exactly how a woman gets pregnant and how having sex in a swimming pool, or during her period is NOT birth control.

Tell him how diseases can be transmitted, through oral as well as vaginal sex. You might want to research online and show him some pictures of what diseases like syphilis and gonorrhea can do is left untreated. Make sure he knows about HIV, that it's not just a "gay disease" and that someone can display no symptoms and still carry it.

Good luck!

 

[dlewis]

I want to know also. Sex was always talked about when I was growing up. I always knew about sex. I have tried to create a certain enviroment for my kids and I've always answered questions that they ask but nothing more. My son asked about puberty two weeks ago and I went into body changes a little more.

I have no idea how to bring up the talk of sex.

 

[camellia]

Maybe you could get a book for him and tell him to read it because you'd like to discus it with him. That might be a way of opening the door.

Or the whole tried and true "Johnny, you're getting and we need to have a talk..."

 

[Country gal]

Trimbride- I think I had the same book. Good advice all around. I just don't know when to sit down and talk to him. I do feel I am overdue on the talk. He knows what condoms are according to my boyfriend.

He was talking about a song called Push it to the limit by some rapper. He said the song was talking about sex. I was like no, I don't think so. He is talking about pushing yourself to the limit in achieving your goal. I thought damn it I need to have a talk with this boy.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

camelia and trimbride made great points and were very fortunate to have honest and open parents. i learned about sex from my sisters, tv and sex education class. it's sad but i really missed out on many important facts. i would plan on many continous conversations.

i have a 4 year old and this has been crossing my mind lately. i know she's really young but i want to mentally prepare myself for "the talk". right now she thinks my stomach is gonna crack open like an egg and her baby sister is gonna come out singing which i think is adoreable but i know soon she'll be hearing about sex at school. erplexed

 

[SweetCaramel1]

Trimbride- I think I had the same book. Good advice all around. I just don't know when to sit down and talk to him. I do feel I am overdue on the talk. He knows what condoms are according to my boyfriend.

He was talking about a song called Push it to the limit by some rapper. He said the song was talking about sex. I was like no, I don't think so. He is talking about pushing yourself to the limit in achieving your goal. I thought damn it I need to have a talk with this boy.

wow. i never thought about that song sexually yep, you need to have a talk asap. maybe you can start the conversation the next time you hear the song together. i would also continue to nag his dad about talking to him too. he can provide the education from a man's perspective (first hand experience on puberty, wet dreams, etc...). i tell my husband all the time that he can't educate my daughter on female sexuality better than i can. but he can offer a valuable male perspective. i wonder if he would be mad if you suggested having your bf talk to him

 

[Kimberly]

I just had a talk with my 9-year old son that (finally) went beyond the "good touchbad touch". I sat down with him. No TV to distract either of us and just told him what was up. I told it to him straight, no sugar coating, and 100% honest. I asked him if a few times if he had any questions. I told him that he was not going to understand everything I said this time but that we will have the talk so many times as long as we are both alive that after a while, he'll be able to tell me what's up. I told him that he can always come to me if he has any questions and that I want him to know that, no matter what, I won't get mad or be embarrassed...that I will just tell him the truth. And, if he asked me something I didn't know the answer to, that I would find an answer...the right answer for him. I told him not to just believe anything his friends told him. They don't always know. They don't always have a mom that will just put it out there for them. When in doubt, always come to me.

Good luck to you.

 

[DragonPearl]

You too, uh, Country gal? My kid is also 10 and will be going to middle school in the fall. Actually, his school is offering a sex-ed course in May, and we have agree that he will attend. Then, Dad and I will talk to him.

In the past, every time his dad or I try to engage him about sex to teach him something, he would be like "I don't wanna hear about THAT. " which leads me to believe that he might have heard about "THAT" from when he spends time with his mom and his older siblings. I know they watch BET and MTV all the time and he is exposed to more "mature" lyrics there than when he is with us...

For me, the interesting thing about sex talk with children is that it is an opportunity for me to really check myself and see how I feel about sex. Ultimately, I would love to teach him that sex is natural and wholesome, and also powerful and that it entails responsabilities (pregnancy, parenthood, abortion, disease prevention, emotional hurt) that are better assumed when one is older.

 

[thefineprint]

if he is 11 then he definitely already knows about sex. my advice is to not approach the conversation awkwardly - be natural about it. if you are ill-at-ease then he will be embarrassed and remind himself never to talk about it to you again. give him the facts. and most importantly, don't make it 'THE' talk but the beginning to hopefully many more talks. All of his questions will not be answered the first time, so make it a continual event to encourage ongoing sharing.
]

 

[Radianthealth]

We talk about sex as a family, sometimes we joke about it but there is always a purpose, it doesn't have to be so serious once your child gets older. You can make fun of the dumb things kids his age believe. I am always telling my younger brother to be safe, and many of our family conversations will go off onto sex. We talk about it in front of the youngest so they get the right information. When I first asked for birth control, I did it in front of my little brother who was like 12 or 13 at the time


I caught my mom off guard because I was nervous. The conversation was like "Hey mom can you pass the salt, and I think I am ready to get on birth control now"

I was never taught that sex was bad and I have been to one of those lingerie/"toy" parties with my Mother, Aunts, Cousins, and Grandmother in attendance


Too Funny!!

 

[cutiebe2]

My mom and I have never talked about sex... I am 18 ans I think she just isn't that open type of person. But she will say things like "Don't get in the car with random young boys" or "Never take a drink from someone you don't know"

I learned about sex way before middle school..infact, in middle school was when everyone was having sex and some girls were already getting abortions.

I think beacuse of this it is important to stress the reasoning...making good choices about sex rather than what it is/do not do it. Honestly, I don't think a lot of parents have a clue about the type of sexual activity that is really going on in middle school and HS. Even at my HS, where 99% of the kids are rich and "sophisticated" you would not believe the numer of pregnancy and crazy sex stories I hear.
My mother may not have has the "sex talk" with me, but she always stressed being smart and really thinking about every siuation which I think can be applied to everything, even relationships/sex

good luck!

 

[Arcadian]

We grew up with it hearing about it. I heard the first talk at the age of 6. I had the big talk at the age of 10 when my mother sat with me and explained my period and what that meant. Being that she was a nurse...I got a lot of info. More than I needed . At least I was ready for that sex ed class when we took it.

When I got to Jr High, my father (my poor dad he was rather embarassed) sat with me and talked to me about what boys and sex and the consequences of having sex so young.

They both talked to all of us about contraceptives, the different types, and how they worked.

I think that its best to explain it in a very honest and clinical way as well as letting him/her know there always be an open door policy between you concerning the subject.


-A

 

[dlewis]

Why can't they stay young? Why do I have to go through this?

 

[Radianthealth]

Why can't they stay young? Why do I have to go through this?

If you don't someone else will, and they won't give your "babies" the right information

Even though I knew all this stuff I was still very innocent and acted my age (Barbies the whole 9, I was a little worried because I thought I would never stop watching cartoons, my friends were into boys and I wanted to go home and play on the swing set ), I was never really curious about it because I knew what it was if that makes any sense.

 

[Tee]

Mine is 10 and I will have the talk to him this summer before he enters Jr. High. I dont see the need to rush it but I know he knows about sex. We are very open and sometimes I wish he wasnt so open with me. That child will come running up saying; "Mom, look at my penis. Is this normal?" lol I try to keep it all calm like I am not bothered one way or another but I really think, "Go show that to your father!"

I am glad he is comfortable talking to me about anything though.

 

[newflowers]

Ladies - I hate to say it, but you have to buck up and have the talk - I promise it is not new to them.

But I really want to tell you two stories to illustrate how important it is to open the dialogue and KEEP IT OPEN - please don't look at it as THE talk.

Last year, there was a big scandal at a middle school not so far away. A nice quiet, respectable uper middle class, fairly racially intergrated kind of school. Good test scores, active and participating parents. All of the things you think a school should have.

At this MIDDLE SCHOOL - girls from grades 6 and 7 were participating in giving oral sex to the boys in exchange for lunch and candy and soda and small gifts. When asked why - they asked, what's the big deal - it's not like it's really sex. (No Clinton jokes please). This happened just last year. We're not talking about an inner-city or urban school, we're talking about black and mexcian, and asian, and white kids in a suburban area.

Three years ago, I tried teachingmiddle school - hated it, but that year, two sixth grade girls were put on home school because they were pregnant, one of the fathers was in his 20s,the other was a 7th grade boy. Think how you'd feel if that were your son.

And if that is not enough, in one of my classes recently, I had a day when the majority of the kids had gone on a college visit - only about a dozen or so girls and one boy in class. One of the girls made a comment about going out on Saturday and someone said to her don't get pregnant. It was a joke and they laughed. So, me being me, I asked her what birth control she was using - she said MS. Ceeeeeeeeee with a big blush. Well, we stared talking and it turns out the girl is indeed having sex and has been for quite a while. She is not using any birth control, has had no STD checks, no pap smears, no gyn care at all because her mother thinks she is too young for sex and she is afriad her mother will find the birth control piils and be mad. WTF!!!! pardon the language. Anyway, we had a long talk - everyone in the class - these are high school juniors, mind you. It turned out that several of the girls and the guy are sexually active and so far - just lucky, though there has been one abortion. We talked about how, yes, you can get pregnant the first time, if he pulls out, and other outrageous things they believed to be true. We talked about STDs - the largest group getting HIV is blacks and latinos under the age of 25. We talked about a lot of sexually related issues because these children were completely ignorant and they have parents who say - read the book and don't, focus on school.

Ladies, ladies - TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!

There are far worse things than being embarrassed about talking to your pre-teens and teens about sex. It doesn't matter if they want to hear it or not, you have to do what you have to do. And having multiple, frequent, open discussion about sex is a form of protecting your children - from ignorance at the easiest and frim far worse. Go to the local health departemtn and get information about STD and HIV - get the pictures, get the facts, be complete, be explicit,. and share these with your children.

There are far worse things that "the talk" and, to be honest, one of those things may be finding out your child's English teacher gave him/her this information without you.

 

[camellia]

Ladies - I hate to say it, but you have to buck up and have the talk - I promise it is not new to them.

But I really want to tell you two stories to illustrate how important it is to open the dialogue and KEEP IT OPEN - please don't look at it as THE talk.

Last year, there was a big scandal at a middle school not so far away. A nice quiet, respectable uper middle class, fairly racially intergrated kind of school. Good test scores, active and participating parents. All of the things you think a school should have.

At this MIDDLE SCHOOL - girls from grades 6 and 7 were participating in giving oral sex to the boys in exchange for lunch and candy and soda and small gifts. When asked why - they asked, what's the big deal - it's not like it's really sex. (No Clinton jokes please). This happened just last year. We're not talking about an inner-city or urban school, we're talking about black and mexcian, and asian, and white kids in a suburban area.

Three years ago, I tried teachingmiddle school - hated it, but that year, two sixth grade girls were put on home school because they were pregnant, one of the fathers was in his 20s,the other was a 7th grade boy. Think how you'd feel if that were your son.

And if that is not enough, in one of my classes recently, I had a day when the majority of the kids had gone on a college visit - only about a dozen or so girls and one boy in class. One of the girls made a comment about going out on Saturday and someone said to her don't get pregnant. It was a joke and they laughed. So, me being me, I asked her what birth control she was using - she said MS. Ceeeeeeeeee with a big blush. Well, we stared talking and it turns out the girl is indeed having sex and has been for quite a while. She is not using any birth control, has had no STD checks, no pap smears, no gyn care at all because her mother thinks she is too young for sex and she is afriad her mother will find the birth control piils and be mad. WTF!!!! pardon the language. Anyway, we had a long talk - everyone in the class - these are high school juniors, mind you. It turned out that several of the girls and the guy are sexually active and so far - just lucky, though there has been one abortion. We talked about how, yes, you can get pregnant the first time, if he pulls out, and other outrageous things they believed to be true. We talked about STDs - the largest group getting HIV is blacks and latinos under the age of 25. We talked about a lot of sexually related issues because these children were completely ignorant and they have parents who say - read the book and don't, focus on school.

Ladies, ladies - TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!

There are far worse things than being embarrassed about talking to your pre-teens and teens about sex. It doesn't matter if they want to hear it or not, you have to do what you have to do. And having multiple, frequent, open discussion about sex is a form of protecting your children - from ignorance at the easiest and frim far worse. Go to the local health departemtn and get information about STD and HIV - get the pictures, get the facts, be complete, be explicit,. and share these with your children.

There are far worse things that "the talk" and, to be honest, one of those things may be finding out your child's English teacher gave him/her this information without you.

That is so sad.

And honestly, I would feel like I had failed my duty as a mother if my 15-16 year old child's school teacher had to give them the basics on sex and birth control.erplexed

Planned Parenthood has a lot of free material you can bring home to discuss with your kids too.

 

[newflowers]

Yes, Planned Parenthood is a great organization. So many people I've encountered seem to think they're an abortion mill. Not so. They make a concerted effort to provide free, complete, and confidential services to sexually active people regardless of their ages.

They have great information about sex, stds, borth control - the whole nine yards. And they will advocate a young woman (I don't know about young men) consider abstinence considering her age, level of responsibility, etc.

ETA: PP is where I tell me studnets to go when they have issues of birth control and unplanned pregnancy and they tell me they ca't talk to their parents or the parents will kick them out.

 

[camellia]

I got my first birth control pills at Planned Parenthood. They also give students a discount, it was 50% when I went, if you show your student ID card.

I'm very glad that they exist. They offer free condoms, and pamphlets on everything under the sun. PP is one of the organizations DH and I donate to now.

 

[Country gal]

Why can't they stay young? Why do I have to go through this?

Exactly.


I am getting real good feedback from all of you. I guess I better start talking about it on our nature walks.

 

[Country gal]

Ladies - I hate to say it, but you have to buck up and have the talk - I promise it is not new to them.

But I really want to tell you two stories to illustrate how important it is to open the dialogue and KEEP IT OPEN - please don't look at it as THE talk.

Last year, there was a big scandal at a middle school not so far away. A nice quiet, respectable uper middle class, fairly racially intergrated kind of school. Good test scores, active and participating parents. All of the things you think a school should have.

At this MIDDLE SCHOOL - girls from grades 6 and 7 were participating in giving oral sex to the boys in exchange for lunch and candy and soda and small gifts. When asked why - they asked, what's the big deal - it's not like it's really sex. (No Clinton jokes please). This happened just last year. We're not talking about an inner-city or urban school, we're talking about black and mexcian, and asian, and white kids in a suburban area.

Three years ago, I tried teachingmiddle school - hated it, but that year, two sixth grade girls were put on home school because they were pregnant, one of the fathers was in his 20s,the other was a 7th grade boy. Think how you'd feel if that were your son.

And if that is not enough, in one of my classes recently, I had a day when the majority of the kids had gone on a college visit - only about a dozen or so girls and one boy in class. One of the girls made a comment about going out on Saturday and someone said to her don't get pregnant. It was a joke and they laughed. So, me being me, I asked her what birth control she was using - she said MS. Ceeeeeeeeee with a big blush. Well, we stared talking and it turns out the girl is indeed having sex and has been for quite a while. She is not using any birth control, has had no STD checks, no pap smears, no gyn care at all because her mother thinks she is too young for sex and she is afriad her mother will find the birth control piils and be mad. WTF!!!! pardon the language. Anyway, we had a long talk - everyone in the class - these are high school juniors, mind you. It turned out that several of the girls and the guy are sexually active and so far - just lucky, though there has been one abortion. We talked about how, yes, you can get pregnant the first time, if he pulls out, and other outrageous things they believed to be true. We talked about STDs - the largest group getting HIV is blacks and latinos under the age of 25. We talked about a lot of sexually related issues because these children were completely ignorant and they have parents who say - read the book and don't, focus on school.

Ladies, ladies - TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!

There are far worse things than being embarrassed about talking to your pre-teens and teens about sex. It doesn't matter if they want to hear it or not, you have to do what you have to do. And having multiple, frequent, open discussion about sex is a form of protecting your children - from ignorance at the easiest and frim far worse. Go to the local health departemtn and get information about STD and HIV - get the pictures, get the facts, be complete, be explicit,. and share these with your children.

There are far worse things that "the talk" and, to be honest, one of those things may be finding out your child's English teacher gave him/her this information without you.

Your right, your right.

 

[Country gal]

Camelia- thanks for the PP reference. I need to check them out.

 

[Radianthealth]

I think this is why my Mom was so open with me, she worked in the public school system and she saw it all so she knew how to prepare me for the real world.


Most of the time that I was on birth control I got it for free from the health department. Most people don't know that this is available. It is easy and FREE. They don't even check your employment status so I kept getting it even though I had a job and could afford to pay for it myself

Now I am off of it because birth control is poison, but that is another thread all together

 

[Suerte]

At 11, kids these days already know and have probably even came across porn or had a sexual experience themselves.

It's sad, but true. Schools teach kids WAY MORE than TV, Magazines, and sometimes even parents teach. But it's only half the story that they are learning.

I swear I almost cried when my 12 year old nephew was in the garage with his friend getting some of the pets stuff off the shelves out there...talking about how he saw his parents f-----g and saw his mom give his dad *MY BROTHER* oral... and he used a slang phrase that basically described her as having no gag reflex. That was disturbing on so many levels. I mean... my brother is married with children but I really don't wanna think of them like that. I went out there and looked at him SO HARD... we had a nice talk after they got back from walking the dogs.

Parents need to keep it real, come back to reality...think about the things YOU do or have done sexually...and realize that your kids are probably gonna do the same things one day...just try to make that day LATER and give them education for that day.

 

[newflowers]

At 11, kids these days already know and have probably even came across porn or had a sexual experience themselves.

It's sad, but true. Schools teach kids WAY MORE than TV, Magazines, and sometimes even parents teach. But it's only half the story that they are learning.



Parents need to keep it real, come back to reality...think about the things YOU do or have done sexually...and realize that your kids are probably gonna do the same things one day...just try to make that day LATER and give them education for that day.[/quote]

I so agree. I would rather face a little heat from the administration for telling my students the real truth, then talk to yet another girl who is pregnant - but he said I couldn't get pregnant my first time, on my period, etc., etc. And I would rather face a horde of angry parents than have one more pregnant girl drop out of school - boy no where to be found - on welfare trying to raise a baby when she has no education to get a decent, self-supporting job. And god forbid when a parent does not tell their kids about sex and then the girl gets kicked out when she gets pregnant.

Sometimes, it feels like too much to me, but I'd rather face the music later than the consequences of children who know little to nothing about sex and are so filled with myth and playground fantasy they think they are safe from the consequences.

Are you ladies planning those talks yet? And please don't forget your daughters. It is a sad fact that we place the majority of reproductive responsibility on the mother.

 

[camellia]

I've been having those talks for several years now with my sons. I expect them to continue as they get older and have more questions.

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I had daughters. I mean, I already know what it's like to be a woman, have a period, lose my virginity, etc... When it comes to wet dreams and involuntary erections, that's pretty much DH's field when the boys want first hand knowledge.

 

[Country gal]

I had a very candid talk with my son recently to point where I explained what sperm is and how it can impregnant a woman. His response was yuck. He seems to have a lot of little girls in his face. I got to make sure I keep the fast tales away.

 

[seraphinelle]

You know what. I never had the sex talk.

I reckon my parents knew that we had sex education in our school that they didn't bother. Wow. I don't think the next sister did either.

*thinking*