The mention of marriage

[YankeeCandle]

Just because someone "mentions" marriage doesn't mean they plan on rushing into it. You can still get to know somebody while working towards the goal of marriage. I don't see how that list applies

The Original Post says "If you both are really into each other after about 2-3 months and he says something along the lines of him seeing you two together or marriable."

That is not a general "I am interested in marriage as a goal" statement. It specifically zeroes in on you (the woman).

My now-SO made a statement on our fourth date about future children WE might have together (it was even more specific than that). He also began making statements about 1 and 1/2 months asking how he could approach my parents to ask how to marry me; asking me what type of life I could envision with him, etc.

I found all of these statements discomfiting.

Did he turn out to be a baddie? Nope, far from it. But I was discomfited all the same at the time, and that's what the OP seems to be talking about here, at least from what she's written.

 

[antisocial]

The Original Post says "If you both are really into each other after about 2-3 months and he says something along the lines of him seeing you two together or marriable."

This is exactly my point. "together or marriable" doesn't equate to today or tomorrow....but I guess I'm just not that paranoid to be concerned if a man mentions marriage. I know that at the end of the day, I am not going to marry somebody that I don't know so he can see us together all he wants but if I'm not comfortable, I'm not walking down anybody's aisle.

 

[aribell]

There are plenty of reasons why a quick mention of marriage can (and in some cases should) raise eyebrows.

--attraction to and idealization of you due to a fetish, exotification, etc.

--attraction to the pleasant picture you present to the world; could show a lack of discernment on his part in not waiting to see more of your character (what else does he rush into based on "feelings?")

-- Green Card (or non-U.S. equivalent) marriage hunter

-- emotional/financial con artist eager to seal the deal with his latest victim

and, perhaps most mundane but also most common:

-- he's feels ready to get married for his own benefit and feels pretty much anyone will do. (Again, what else does he show a lack of discernment in?)

And 101 other reasons.

Yep...I was turned off by someone mentioning "our" children because it seemed clear that his excitement was based on a mixture of the bolded above. I was wondering if I was too harsh for a while and perhaps shouldn't have put on the brakes, until I saw a subsequent relationship of his that seemed to also reflect over-eagerness and lack of discernment.

But in general, mentioning it early on wouldn't be a bad thing. I think that for me in particular, I tend to be a little more skeptical because I've found that lots of times men see what they want to see and not necessarily what's underneath the surface--my goals, priorities, worldview, religious beliefs, etc. I can usually tell when he hasn't taken those things into consideration and that we likely wouldn't mesh on those points.

 

[Mane Event]

I'm in the same situation and YES, It was very scary in the beginning and still somewhat discomforting. I try to not let these feelings interfere with our relationship b/c they definitely can! Whenever he mentions the word marriage (which at least 3-4 times a week), our conversations go like this...

Me:
1. "Babe, your are so crazy"
2. "That's what you really believe, uh?"
3. "I guess...whatever you say" <---in the most, sarcastic undertone
or "I think you're having an early midlife crisis" erplexed

His responses:
1. "I'm not crazy, I'm telling you the way it's gonna be."
2. "That's what I KNOW!"
3. "It's whatever WE say, and WE WILL be getting married."


This n*gro even had the nerve to tell my mom the first time they met (after 1.5 months!) Mrs. ___, You have a very beautiful daughter [blah, blah, blah] and just to let you know I AM going to marry her
I'm thinking...Okay, play with me but don't play with my folks


Some time has past and he still holds the same convictions. A friend forwarded this message to me. It reminds me everyday, not to take his words/actions for granted or minimize his feelings.

Preface: Ladies this is something you should definitely share with a friend,
whether you are single or married... It is something to think about,
When you ask is "He" the one!

Some of you may be familiar with this. It's very long but here's an
Excerpt:

You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy!
Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The
man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his
life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand.
If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that
he is not interested.

Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a
man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it
actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him
because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

PM if haven't read this before and want the full article. It's a pretty good read

 

[kismettt]

i'm not sure. i remember a guy saying he wanted me to be his girlfriend after our first date and i was like "um". but i wasn't sure about him. i've never had a guy mention marriage "too soon". my ex talked about marriage/kids, but in a general sense. not quite with me, but about how he hopes to raise his kids/what his marriage would look like. it was fine because we only dated a short time & it gave me a sense of what his ideal marriage/family situation would look like.

my SO mentioned marrying me around 3-4 months. it didn't phase me because it wasn't a proposal, but it did make me think more long term on where we were going. we do talk about how we'd raise a family, etc.

i think when you are younger (imo), the reaction is either panic or romanticizing everything there after.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

SO talks about it a lot im like sometimes. But for the most part I do welcome the idea

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'd have no problem with him stating he was looking to get married, but to say he wanted to marry you that early is off-putting for me.

I agree. Him saying he wants to get married is a turn-on and expected if I'm going to continue getting to know him but saying he wants to marry me early on has me a little freaked out.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

personally, i'd welcome it. they're too many non-committal dudes ruining the hearts of good women as it is. the one thing you can never get back is time. the sooner you know the better!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I don't get it.

Someone looking at you as marriageable shouldn't be cause for you to run screaming for the hills unless YOU KNOW you don't want to be with the person.

If you're not sure or if the conversation makes you uncomfortable, you owe the man the courtesy of telling him that, and figuring out WHY. If it's him, that's one thing; but if it's YOU and YOUR issues, that's something else.

Being sarcastic and snide about someone's stated intentions is wrong, though.

 

[bluediamond0829]

With my SO he has been mentioning it from month 2 and we've only been together and dating for 3 months. He mentions children and marriage.

Like someone else mentioned if the guy wasn't mentioning it i think you would be wondering where this was headed and does he see me as a future wife or are we just two people in a so called relationship just to have fun and date.

At first i was ready to run but then i started thinking i havent had one single guy that i can remember that talked about marriage to me and children.

 

[Bunny77]

With my SO he has been mentioning it from month 2 and we've only been together and dating for 3 months. He mentions children and marriage.

Like someone else mentioned if the guy wasn't mentioning it i think you would be wondering where this was headed and does he see me as a future wife or are we just two people in a so called relationship just to have fun and date.

At first i was ready to run but then i started thinking i havent had one single guy that i can remember that talked about marriage to me and children.

Back in my younger days, I remember situations in which I'd go out with a man (the same man) at least once a week, take his phone calls every other day, etc.

I'd be thinking to myself, "We're going to officially be boyfriend/girlfriend soon. It's inevitable."

Silly me didn't understand that just because a man is dating you on a regular basis, it doesn't mean that he sees a future with you... for a LONG time, I couldn't pay a dude to say the "m" word to me during that period in which we were just dating.

Not surprisingly, these were the same men who weren't "ready for a relationship."