The mention of marriage

yokoyokogirl

yokoyokogirl

New Member
How soon is too soon? I was reading another post and one lady commented that a man mentioning marriage in less than 3 months to be a little troubling.

If you both are really into each other after about 2-3 months and he says something along the lines of him seeing you two together or marriable, should you go running in the other direction?
 
We've also heard the stories of FHs and DHs who said 'the moment I saw you I knew you were going to be my wife' and so said so done.

I won't run to the hills but I would take time to get to know the man. If he is truly serious about marrying me he will wait.
 
I wouldn't be comfortable with that. I'm thinking that by 3 months you've only gone on- at the most- 12 dates (assuming you go out once a week). That's not enough for me to look someone on the eye and say I'd want to marry them. But that's me. I'd see it as some sort of manipulation. He may have picked up some vibe from you that you want to be married and try to use that to string you along. Or he could be an ultra-clingy type. I dated someone like that once... not a pretty picture.
 
Women are always claiming they're looking for "marriage minded" men, yet if a man mentions marriage (not proposing, just mentions it) then it's troubling. :spinning:
 
I would say the man needs to mention it within the first month. Maybe not "will you marry me" but to let you know he is looking to marry. Within the first couple of weeks has always been the case with me.
 
I'd have no problem with him stating he was looking to get married, but to say he wanted to marry you that early is off-putting for me.
 
I think it's a turnon and have always expected it.:look: I really don't think I would continue a relationship with someone who haven't mentioned it.
 
It is scary...for me no doubt :yep:. SO is talking about marriage and I am rolling with it :). We have been dating for 2 months :look:.
 
I'm thinking there's a big difference between "I want to get married" and "I'm thinking about marriage"--maybe a man who is marriage-minded wouldn't want to waste time beating around the bush?

Also assuming he didn't pop the question, but has mentioned it's weighing on his heart.
 
I've had that mentioned early on before, in the first couple of months, not "will you marry me", "but we should get married". It always freaked me out and I would go running for the hills.

In hindsite, that's not always indicative of a man being strange/clingy or trying to run game. At this point, I'd rather a man mention early on that he's looking to get married (like in the first few dates) because it'd let me know that he wants a serious relationship with me or someone else.
 
Mentioning marriage is perfectly fine with me.

It doesn't mean he's necessarily the one (and he still could be creepy), but at least I have an idea where his head might be.

Better that than the usual, "I've been dating this guy for four months and I don't know if he's interested in a relationship," topic that usually dominates this forum.
 
DH told me he wanted to marry on our second date. He asked my mother for my hand around month 2 :grin: I wouldn't have stayed with him if by month 6 he did not let me know he wanted to marry me *shrug*
 
I think it's important to mention marriage early on in a "I'm looking to get married' way so that both people are on the same page.

the last thing I want to do is date someone and think, this guy is perfect, we can get married

And he's like oh I don't plan on getting married ever.
 
I went out with a guy when I was 22. He told me from jump he didn't plan to get married until he was 35. He was 26 at the time. I went out with him one more time and decided to stop seeing him because I liked him.
 
As a divorcee it would be off putting for me because I don't think I want to re-marry. I would probably run for the hills. Which is a good thing for him, if he was truly looking for his wife.
 
kandake said:
As a divorcee it would be off putting for me because I don't think I want to re-marry. I would probably run for the hills. Which is a good thing for him, if he was truly looking for his wife.
Click to expand...

Yep, it would be a good thing.:yep:
 
Mentioning marriage early seems like a plus if you are wanting to get married eventually. I like an upfront man that is honest about his intentions/goals.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
How soon is too soon? I was reading another post and one lady commented that a man mentioning marriage in less than 3 months to be a little troubling.

If you both are really into each other after about 2-3 months and he says something along the lines of him seeing you two together or marriable, should you go running in the other direction?
Click to expand...

I don't think it's ever too soon. From my point of view, I let my now DH know very early in our relationship that I was marriage minded and wasn't the type to date just to be dating. He knew that I was dating with the intention of marriage, so if he didn't like that he had the option of breaking things off then and there.

With him, he never really mentioned marriage outright, but he did and said things that let me know that he was looking at me as someone that he could marry - i.e., talking about future plans, introducing me to family, etc.

I also don't understand why it would be troubling for a man to let you know his intentions early on. Why would you run away from a man that you really like when he mentions the idea of marriage? Makes no sense to me...
 
yokoyokogirl said:
How soon is too soon? I was reading another post and one lady commented that a man mentioning marriage in less than 3 months to be a little troubling.

If you both are really into each other after about 2-3 months and he says something along the lines of him seeing you two together or marriable, should you go running in the other direction?
Click to expand...

I'm HORRIBLE with this. Its been a little over a year and he mentions marriage and I panic. :ohwell: I told him that I think I'm allergic to platinum, and he said "so does that mean you'd want an engagement ring to be yellow or white gold" and I broke out in a sweat.

But to answer the question: I don't know that mention of marriage is cause to run. MENTIONING marriage isn't really cause for anything. Saying that I'm marriagable and doing things to show me that I'm marriagable are two totally different things.

I think the timing and "how" to react is based on the two of you. Did you meet in church at a volunteer event? Or did you meet at the club bumping and grinding and the only time you see each other are between the hours of 10 PM and 10 AM?
 
SO has been mentioning marriage since before we were in a relationship. It's one of his things, how much he wants to get married. He'll tell me stuff like "I want to get married outside under an oak tree" and just recently, he's mentioned marrying me specifically. I won't lie, that scared me, but not scared me off, just like, dang, this is getting serious. I think it's a good thing. :yep:
 
I don't see anything wrong with it. I'd add I don't think I'd marry really fast (I'd need to date him longer), but I would like to know someone's intentions.
 
rafikichick92 said:
SO has been mentioning marriage since before we were in a relationship. It's one of his things, how much he wants to get married. He'll tell me stuff like "I want to get married outside under an oak tree" and just recently, he's mentioned marrying me specifically. I won't lie, that scared me, but not scared me off, just like, dang, this is getting serious. I think it's a good thing. :yep:
Click to expand...

I'm in the same boat. It is nice to be the one having to come up to speed. :yep:
 
I think it's a good thing to know up front.

My ex brought it up within the first few months and proposed shortly thereafter. In our case, it was a mistake but I don't believe our relationship was the norm.
 
Syrah said:
I think the timing and "how" to react is based on the two of you. Did you meet in church at a volunteer event? Or did you meet at the club bumping and grinding and the only time you see each other are between the hours of 10 PM and 10 AM?
Click to expand...

Definitly think the "how you met matters". In this situation they were both eating alone in a crowded popular cafe and kinda had to share a table to have a seat.
 
Starting month 6 with my guy. We are in a LDR right now. He wants to relocate and he has been runing locations past me THIS week. Dummy old me was totally confused until in his daily email to me he told me that he wanted my input because I am in his future plans.

He knows I do not shack, that was talked about in the 1st month and he doesn't shack either. So we are on the road. Oh and I O so casually mentioned how I thought my hands were huge and he told me no they weren't. I told him I wanted danity hands, he ask what was my ring size and I said my middle finger is a 9.5 but my ring finger is a 8.5. He said, mmmmmm 8.5, ok.

BTW we are both 38 and I have been married before, he hasn't and neither of us have children. He wants children, so we would have to get busy, literally, but again, neither one of us want children out of wedlock. Oh even more added into the pot, he was celibate, 7+ years when we got together, so we are celibate now.
 
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gabulldawg said:
I don't think it's ever too soon. From my point of view, I let my now DH know very early in our relationship that I was marriage minded and wasn't the type to date just to be dating. He knew that I was dating with the intention of marriage, so if he didn't like that he had the option of breaking things off then and there.

With him, he never really mentioned marriage outright, but he did and said things that let me know that he was looking at me as someone that he could marry - i.e., talking about future plans, introducing me to family, etc.

I also don't understand why it would be troubling for a man to let you know his intentions early on. Why would you run away from a man that you really like when he mentions the idea of marriage? Makes no sense to me...
Click to expand...

I think it depends on how much you like the guy. If I thought he might be The One then I'd be floating on air. If I wasn't really into him then I'd probably cringe. Either way, its good to have a guy put it out there. It wouldn't freak me out at all.

ThickHair said:
Starting month 6 with my guy. We are in a LDR right now. He wants to relocate and he has been runing locations past me THIS week. Dummy old me was totally confused until in his daily email to me he told me that he wanted my input because I am in his future plans.

He knows I do not shack, that was talked about in the 1st month and he doesn't shack either. So we are on the road. Oh and I O so casually mentioned how I thought my hands were huge and he told me no they weren't. I told him I wanted danity hands, he ask what was my ring size and I said my middle finger is a 9.5 but my ring finger is a 8.5. He said, mmmmmm 8.5, ok.

BTW we are both 38 and I have been married before, he hasn't and neither of us have children. He wants children, so we would have to get busy, literally, but again, neither one of us want children out of wedlock. Oh even more added into the pot, he was celibate, 7+ years when we got together, so we are celibate now.
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Wow. He could be a winner. I'm going to assume that he is being truthful with the 7+ years of celibacy but I would question what caused it. Was he really hurt by the previous SO? Going into ministry? That's longer than the average person (male or female) ever dabbles in celibacy.
 
There are plenty of reasons why a quick mention of marriage can (and in some cases should) raise eyebrows.

--attraction to and idealization of you due to a fetish, exotification, etc.

--attraction to the pleasant picture you present to the world; could show a lack of discernment on his part in not waiting to see more of your character (what else does he rush into based on "feelings?")

-- Green Card (or non-U.S. equivalent) marriage hunter

-- emotional/financial con artist eager to seal the deal with his latest victim

and, perhaps most mundane but also most common:

-- he's feels ready to get married for his own benefit and feels pretty much anyone will do. (Again, what else does he show a lack of discernment in?)

And 101 other reasons.

Also, to those who questioned the seeming contradiction of "women" wanting men who value marriage but find a man's marriage talk to be precipitate.. .

Not all women think the same or have the same lifegoals. The women who don't place marriage high on their lists are not usually the ones lamenting some men's lack of commitment to that institution.

And even those women who are looking for a spouse and want marriage soon may be sketched out by a man's quick proposal or marriage-talk for some of the reasons I provided above.
 
YankeeCandle said:
There are plenty of reasons why a quick mention of marriage can (and in some cases should) raise eyebrows.

--attraction to and idealization of you due to a fetish, exotification, etc.

--attraction to the pleasant picture you present to the world; could show a lack of discernment on his part in not waiting to see more of your character (what else does he rush into based on "feelings?")

-- Green Card (or non-U.S. equivalent) marriage hunter

-- emotional/financial con artist eager to seal the deal with his latest victim

and, perhaps most mundane but also most common:

-- he's feels ready to get married for his own benefit and feels pretty much anyone will do. (Again, what else does he show a lack of discernment in?)

And 101 other reasons.

Also, to those who questioned the seeming contradiction of "women" wanting men who value marriage but find a man's marriage talk to be precipitate.. .

Not all women think the same or have the same lifegoals. The women who don't place marriage high on their lists are not usually the ones lamenting some men's lack of commitment to that institution.

And even those women who are looking for a spouse and want marriage soon may be sketched out by a man's quick proposal or marriage-talk for some of the reasons I provided above.
Click to expand...


All this would be relevant if we were talking about a man proposing on the first date rather than just saying he plans to be married.

Just because someone "mentions" marriage doesn't mean they plan on rushing into it. You can still get to know somebody while working towards the goal of marriage. I don't see how that list applies
 
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