The Emotionally Distant Husband

Thanks Hopeful.

I'm in a much better place now that I've decided to leave. Now, I can't lie, it's painful on sooooooooo many levels but I know that I deserve more.
 
Zaynab said:
I totally know how you feel b/c I've felt this with way in my own marriage. I have just always had to make a concious effort to be more expressive with my feelings. Dh even once told me that showering him with sex, still doesn't equal expressing love. It really made feel bad:sad: Luckily, he's very understanding of some my personal issues with trust/being loved. I was adopted as an infant but 'abandoned' so to speak prior to that. I think the first step is in knowing and then addressing how you can improve upon those things. I'm much more huggy and touchy than I was 12 years ago. I make a concious effort to be affectionate to him outside of sex and show real intimacy. I have to say it's not always easy, b/c it's not my personality set at all but I was willing to do so.
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hmm.. I wonder if there's a connection for me too since I'm adopted as well. I'm also the type who has trouble expressing my feelings with men and other people in general. I've gotten much better than I used to be.. I used to not hug or say "I love you" to even my mother without feeling uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable with physical affection even with female friends. But growing in my relationship with God and lots of introspection have helped me become more comfortable with expressing emotions. I feel bad for guys I dated in the past because they could never break through the walls I put up. I'm not married but I still have to put forth a consious effort to show emotional love to others.. so I practice on children and even pets lol. Hopefully I'll be prepared to express true intimacy with my future husband.

Wow Zaynab, it's crazy how much I identify with your posts... I've felt like a weirdo because I never meet women who feel emotionally distant. I've definitely had times in the past that I felt like I hurt a friend or a boyfriend because I couldn't express compassion or love the way they needed me too..
 
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Deltagyrl, has he always been like this?

Do you think that he has been being unfaithful?

From experience, my ex was cheating on me and would distant himself from me to justify him being with his mistress. After long talks, he said that he would be cold to "empty his heart" of feelings for me. It worked because it 1) helped him detach and 2) made me detach too, causing arguments
 
This thread is bringing me to tears right now. Yall just don't know... :cry:

I wish my best friend could see this thread. She called me this morning crying because her husband of 2 years asked her for a separation. She was shocked and asked him why. He looked at her and said something to the effect of "I'm surprised you're even concerned because you haven't cared much about anything. For the past year and a half I've been the only one in this relationship."

Now she's feeling awful for being emotionally distant and she thinks everything is her fault. I don't even know what to tell her. :cry: I'm really hurting for her but I really don't know what to say. :(
 
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deltagyrl said:
*Hugs to all*

I'm at work so I'll be brief.

Counseling is too painful for him. He's just not ready to deal with all of that so my hands are tied.

I tried, y'all. Really I did...

At this point it comes down to what's best for me and my babies.
This isn't healthy for anyone involved.
The longer I stay, the more I lose little pieces of myself... I'm afraid that one day I'll completely disappear.

I love(d) him but I'm finally choosing to put my needs first.

I hope that one day he'll dig deep, look inside and start to heal. He deserves love as we all do.
But I can't wait any longer.

It's over.
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I'm feeling the same way but I can't leave right now and it is causing me to feel some very strong hatred toward myhusband because not only is he emotionally distant but he is now hostile and verbally abusive. I try to keep it together because I am pregnant and have a son but how much do I have to endure before I can behappy again. I feel like I might snap at any moment when he is around me. Every moment is draining me of every ounce of joy in my heart. I don't know what to do. I am tired of crying. I am afraid this stress might have harmed my unborn child. My husband said that if something is wrong with the baby it is my fault because I carried him not HIM. Sometimes I want to walk away and never look back but the worst thing is knowing that I can't LEAVE!
 
^^^^^:bighug: I'm so sorry this is happening. I experienced something similar...the verbal abuse during marriage. If there's one thing I know from my experience it's that you MUST strive as hard as you can to not focus on HIM and his behavior but, instead focus on YOU and your growing baby. If you are distraught and frustrated throughout this pregnancy, you will project those negative feelings onto your womb. Try, please, in every way that you can to experience joy, laughter, peace and rest. Pray. Turn to God. Turn to loving friends and family. TRY to be happy even in the face of this turbulent time. You are doing this for your baby. You have to do this for your sweet baby. I know you've been distracted but, right now, your hubby isn't playing fair and you have a little life that needs the best possible start he/she can get. Make it all about your happiness and the baby if you can.
 
This is a really great thread, thanks OP. I know you're going through a hard time, but this thread has helped me and I'm sure a few others. I realized from this thread that although I don't have problem showing emotion, I have problems showing affection. I don't know why. I can tell my parents and siblings that I love them and I can hug them but everyone else, including my girlfriends, it's uncomfortable and seems forced. Guys from past relationships have complained that I don't want to hold hands or kiss or hug or curl up together. I always thought it was fine and just the way that I am, but I've realized from this thread that I'm probably depriving them of something that is of value to them in a relationship. I also noticed that I'm usually most affectionate (but barely) in the beginning of a relationship than once things begin to progress. That is something that I will need to work on.

rabs77 said:
To all the ladies who have the emotionally distant partners, were they always like this, since the beginning of the relationship, or was there a turning point?
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I was wondering the same thing. From this thread I've realized that my ex-boyfriend is emotionally distant. It was the weirdest thing and I kept thinking it was me. What was weird was that I could express emotion (mainly anger and frustration about our jacked up relationship) but I had difficulty showing him affection. Though emotionally unavailable, he would randomly want to show me affection which would always throw me because he was distant MOST of the time. When he did show affection, it lacked emotion. I don't know if that makes sense, but basically it was like we were going through the motions. I tried so hard to make things work but he was so distant and I was so put off about being affectionate that our relationship QUICKLY failed. I always wondered if we were married if he would change or stay the same. But I knew I couldn't stick around to find out.
deltagyrl said:
*sigh*

Lots of great posts in this thread. I'm learning.

My husband had a crappy childhood. Has mommy & daddy issues. Refuses to go to counseling. Holds grudges and purposefully withholds himself from me. When I probe, he usually says that he doesn't know why he does it or that I made him mad so...

Eh,

He wasn't this way when we dated and once we said "I do" he cracked the hayle up. Maybe he pushes me away so that I'll leave? Maybe he doesn't try because if he tries and fails he'll really feel like a loser? Honestly, I don't think that he feels deserving of love & happiness but that's another thread for another day...
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Man...I have thought this a time or two. I realized from this board I have abandonment issues and I think those issues are at the root of my thinking this. I know I HAVE to resolve this before I get into a relationship.
cookie1 said:
You put into words things I couldn't. I'm really a caring person but I too have to make a conscious effort when expressing myself. I still have to work on being touchy, feely outside of sex because he'll walk up and hug me and before I know it, I'm pushing away. I can tell it hurts him and sometimes its too late to take back. I'm sorry about you being abandoned but, I'm glad it wasn't worse than abandonment and it probably made you a smarter person today.
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This is so me. You and Zaynab have provided some great insight to some things that I struggle with and need to improve. Thanks ladies for sharing.
 
deltagyrl said:
Without giving too many details, I am dealing with this.
I am so tired of trying to "reach" him that I just don't know what else to do.

Has anyone ever been with someone who wouldn't give himself to you completely? Did you stay? Is it wrong to leave?

:sad::sad::sad::sad::sad:
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I don't think it's wrong to leave. Being with someone like that is emotionally exhausting and you're angry all the time.

Good "chi" and piece of mind is necessary for optimum happiness in life.

Was he like this BEFORE you got married?

Whatever you do lookout for YOUR emotional health and well being.
 
prettykinks said:
I'm feeling the same way but I can't leave right now and it is causing me to feel some very strong hatred toward myhusband because not only is he emotionally distant but he is now hostile and verbally abusive. I try to keep it together because I am pregnant and have a son but how much do I have to endure before I can behappy again. I feel like I might snap at any moment when he is around me. Every moment is draining me of every ounce of joy in my heart. I don't know what to do. I am tired of crying. I am afraid this stress might have harmed my unborn child. My husband said that if something is wrong with the baby it is my fault because I carried him not HIM. Sometimes I want to walk away and never look back but the worst thing is knowing that I can't LEAVE!
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You CAN leave. Unlike the past, there are shelters available for women in your situation. You may have to start from scratch, but so be it. You need to give birth to a baby with POSITIVE ENERGY while it is in your womb.

Call me funny, superstitious, whatever you like, but I believe in this so much. It can make the difference in how the baby turns out and how he gets along with his father. If the father's voice triggers stress or negativity in you in the womb, then it will do the same when he's born. He'll remember.
 
Can a guy really hide this before marriage?

I mean can not really be that easy to hide such traits during a relationship?

Seems creepy
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
wow so... here is a "testimony" from a poster at the site shortdub posted with the article. ladies, is this a good example of "emotionally distant"?
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no, it's an example of a marriage that should have NEVER HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. :nono:

SEE BOLDED.

he was too weak to say no to marriage and she too head strong and "in love" to probably accept it. when people say they don't want kids - folks need to realize that THIS SHOULD BE TREATED AS A DEALBREAKER. just like religion and money - topics to cover before marriage. hell, before engagement!

it does not take away from the fact that he needs to deal with his issues at hand NOW, because he is not helping the situation and is past emotionally distance, but whyyyyyy folks try to make a circle fit into a triangle hole is beyond me. boy, i tell ya!!

wow at the almost SIMPLE reasons people end up in unhappy marriages. this man obviously resents this woman.

i look at some of the posters on here in good marriages (per their posts and words - as that's the only thing i can go off of) and it's no coincidence that they also have some of the most common sense posts on the is board overall.

i think if people used more common sense/i can't change a grown person/i really like this dude/gal but i need to keep it real and move on cause this ain't gone work in the long run approach to relationships, we'd have a lot LESS "marriedtosilence" types! :nono:

all the signs are usually there STARING YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. :wallbash:


No talking
Married 17 years. He doesn't drink or smoke and he makes dinner every night (sounds good so far, right?) I can talk all I want, but he will only respond in monosyllabic utterances (if he responds at all). I wanted kids, he didn't, so I have raised our children with little or no help from him. Never tells me or the kids that he loves us. Shows more affection to the cats than he does to any of us. His excuse is that he works and is tired. He talks to his friends on the phone constantly and fishes on the weekends, though. I graduated from College and he came to the graduation - frowning and scowling in every picture. I thought marriage meant love for a lifetime, instead I find it's trying to remember love for a lifetime. I suggested counseling, he said he'd go but said he wouldn't talk. Refuses to work on any marital problems. He knows I want to talk, so he disappears with no explanation until he knows I'm asleep. Sad.
—marriedtosilence
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You know what - it's unacceptable. I'm so tired of this 'men aren't emotionally there' in relationships. He's a GROWN man, if he has issues dealing with his emotions that's a HUGE problem. I had that issue, but it got better. It's not the best, but I got to a point where I had to put my foot down and tell him straight, Im not in this relationship by myself and neither are you so what's really good? Once I started to show him that I'm serious and I would leave, he gave it a second thought. Question for you: Did you not know this is how he was when you married him?
 
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Smuckie_Slick said:
I have never experienced something like this. Maybe it's a personality type and not indicative of a marital issue? Is this possible?
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Absolutely. I took two different personality tests which help you understand how to interact with others. One is: red, blue, yellow and green. Everyone has the colours, just different amounts of each. I am red which is fiery and outspoken, I am 95% red and 5% all the other colours so needless to say I have a strong personality. My man is a blue, I believe a high percentage. Blues are very quiet, calm, appear to be distant, do not like to socialize etc. However they do pay attention, but you'd never know it because they don't communicate well. My dad is the same way and I saw my mother struggle with the communication because she's very bubbly and outgoing. Every relationship needs a balance - but at the same time he still has to make an effort. People (incl. you, family, kids etc) will think he doesn't care, and people will resent him. It's hard work, but if he's worth it, work with him. If there's no progress you might want to reconsider. Seek advice first.
 
taytay86 said:
Absolutely. I took two different personality tests which help you understand how to interact with others. One is: red, blue, yellow and green. Everyone has the colours, just different amounts of each. I am red which is fiery and outspoken, I am 95% red and 5% all the other colours so needless to say I have a strong personality. My man is a blue, I believe a high percentage. Blues are very quiet, calm, appear to be distant, do not like to socialize etc. However they do pay attention, but you'd never know it because they don't communicate well. My dad is the same way and I saw my mother struggle with the communication because she's very bubbly and outgoing. Every relationship needs a balance - but at the same time he still has to make an effort. People (incl. you, family, kids etc) will think he doesn't care, and people will resent him. It's hard work, but if he's worth it, work with him. If there's no progress you might want to reconsider. Seek advice first.
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I wish everyone would take this test with their SO (or loved ones in general) - it would work wonders for fostering understanding and communication in relationships.

I'm a blue (all the way in the lower right hand corner, no other colors) and it pains me to hear loved ones say they don't think I care about them. I think I show it through gifts and doing things for them more so than in words. Once I'm close with someone I think it's easier for them to recognize my 'acts of love' :).

Strange though, I'm an excellent communicator (so others say) - I just avoid the lovey-dovey stuff, it makes me feel too vulnerable.
 
Just wanted to update you all.

A few months ago he almost died in a motorcycle accident and had several epiphanies while recovering without me by his side.

We have decided to try again and he seems like a new and improved version of the man I met and fell in love with all those years ago... We are in counseling, he attends a mens group, goes to church sometimes (that's MAJOR, trust) and is attentive and open with me in a way that he hasn't been since before we were married. He talks to me, considers my feelings and shares his secrets again (HUGE, HUGE, HUGE). He apologizes without prompting and is affectionate and frisky like a teenager...:blush:

Divine intervention? Maybe. I'm just glad that we are finally on the same page and working towards rebuilding our life together.

I'm happy.
 
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(((HUGS)))

I had one of those.. We're divorced now

But I have to say that he is a good man... but we didn't fit well together. however, 6 years after the separation/divorce, i can still count on him. Heck, we still share a bank account. lol

I consider him to be one of my best friends.
 
*Happily Me* said:
(((HUGS)))

I had one of those.. We're divorced now

But I have to say that he is a good man... but we didn't fit well together. however, 6 years after the separation/divorce, i can still count on him. Heck, we still share a bank account. lol

I consider him to be one of my best friends.
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I remember you sharing your story. That's brave round these parts. :look:

My husband has done a complete turnaround and I must say, I like it.

We're not besties right now but with time and consistency, we could be again.
 
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deltagyrl said:
Just wanted to update you all.

A few months ago he almost died in a motorcycle accident and had several epiphanies while recovering without me by his side.

We have decided to try again and he seems like a new and improved version of the man I met and fell in love with all those years ago... We are in counseling, he attends a mens group, goes to church sometimes (that's MAJOR, trust) and is attentive and open with me in a way that he hasn't been since before we were married. He talks to me, considers my feelings and shares his secrets again (HUGE, HUGE, HUGE). He apologizes without prompting and is affectionate and frisky like a teenager...:blush:

Divine intervention? Maybe. I'm just glad that we are finally on the same page and working towards rebuilding our life together.

I'm happy.
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You do not know how happy I am to hear that (of course not since you don't know me) but although I am divorced I am always happy when I hear that people are able to work their situations out...Good luck to you a both:yep:
 
Ms_Delikate said:
You do not know how happy I am to hear that (of course not since you don't know me) but although I am divorced I am always happy when I hear that people are able to work their situations out...Good luck to you a both:yep:
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Thanks Delikate. I wanted to make sure and update because it might help someone else.

I thought for SURE that we would divorce but wouldn't you know...
 
That's great to hear, Deltagyrl! Sometimes it takes life threatening experiences to value what you have in life. I wish you and DH well in 2010.
 
deltagyrl said:
Just wanted to update you all.

A few months ago he almost died in a motorcycle accident and had several epiphanies while recovering without me by his side.

We have decided to try again and he seems like a new and improved version of the man I met and fell in love with all those years ago... We are in counseling, he attends a mens group, goes to church sometimes (that's MAJOR, trust) and is attentive and open with me in a way that he hasn't been since before we were married. He talks to me, considers my feelings and shares his secrets again (HUGE, HUGE, HUGE). He apologizes without prompting and is affectionate and frisky like a teenager...:blush:

Divine intervention? Maybe. I'm just glad that we are finally on the same page and working towards rebuilding our life together.

I'm happy.
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wow thank you for the update. I'm so happy for you :yep:
 
deltagyrl said:
I remember you sharing your story. That's brave round these parts. :look:

My husband has done a complete turnaround and I must say, I like it.

We're not besties right now but with time and consistency, we could be again.
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ooh, i'm sorry, i didn't realize this was an older thread.


I'm glad to hear that you 2 are doing better :yep:
 
deltagyrl said:
Just wanted to update you all.

A few months ago he almost died in a motorcycle accident and had several epiphanies while recovering without me by his side.

We have decided to try again and he seems like a new and improved version of the man I met and fell in love with all those years ago... We are in counseling, he attends a mens group, goes to church sometimes (that's MAJOR, trust) and is attentive and open with me in a way that he hasn't been since before we were married. He talks to me, considers my feelings and shares his secrets again (HUGE, HUGE, HUGE). He apologizes without prompting and is affectionate and frisky like a teenager...:blush:

Divine intervention? Maybe. I'm just glad that we are finally on the same page and working towards rebuilding our life together.

I'm happy.
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That is wonderful DG. I'm so happy for you.:yep:
 
God is AWESOME girl!:clap:

I just wanted to pop in and say "Prayer works!":yep: I stopped trying to force it and put it in God's hands. I asked him to open my heart and eyes to see the ways my husband shows me he loves me and to do the same for him and WOW. It can only be God because me and DH are POLAR opposites. But he has softened mine and DH's hearts to be more tender to each other. He has blessed me through the wisdom of many of the ladies here and I am learning to hold my tongue because what I "feel" right this second may not even bug me 30 minutes from now, but has the potential to cause severe damage to our relationship.

Hubby has actually started chasing me:blush: He will come snuggle up to ME FIRST on the couch, he will take charge in other areas and initiate first contact:blush: It's so amazing what knowing when to HURSH can do:look: I'm SLOWLY(:lol:) learning that the LESS in control I am, the BETTER things seem to go....imagine that:rolleyes:
 
deltagyrl said:
Just wanted to update you all.

A few months ago he almost died in a motorcycle accident and had several epiphanies while recovering without me by his side.

We have decided to try again and he seems like a new and improved version of the man I met and fell in love with all those years ago... We are in counseling, he attends a mens group, goes to church sometimes (that's MAJOR, trust) and is attentive and open with me in a way that he hasn't been since before we were married. He talks to me, considers my feelings and shares his secrets again (HUGE, HUGE, HUGE). He apologizes without prompting and is affectionate and frisky like a teenager...:blush:

Divine intervention? Maybe. I'm just glad that we are finally on the same page and working towards rebuilding our life together.

I'm happy.
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Oh WOW. I thought about you a few months ago and wondered how this was going. I almost sent you a PM. I was hoping ya'll made it!

I'm so glad things are working out for ya'll. Sometimes we need a wakeup call to what is important in our lives. I'm really happy for you. I hope this new year brings continued growth in your marriage (((HUGS)))
 
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