The Emotionally Distant Husband

Smuckie_Slick said:
I hear you, I didn't mean to imply that it's solely her responsibility. Just that maybe they could reignite the friendship side of their relationship first to get that energy back.

I have never experienced something like this. Maybe it's a personality type and not indicative of a marital issue? Is this possible?
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OP- Sorry you're dealing with this (((HUGS)))

@ Smuckie's statement- IME it can be a personality issue. I think I'm the emotionally unavailable person in my marriage, it's very hard for me to express my feelings or emotions to dh. I'm a "do-er" I'm very supportive, nurturing, accomodating, etc but when it comes to emotions, I literally check out. I NOW know that that lies deep in some early family issues, , little things in life or life experiences can alter a person's mental pysche even ever so slightly. In the past, men felt this was some sort of challenge but its really just how I am. I'm not gushy, squishy, I'd rather express my feeelings in other ways, by doing and showing.

Dh is someone who is very touchy, feeely, loving, always hugs and kisses, it was the perfect match for me b/c I honestly needed that! I still thank God everyday for him . I totally agree that it can be a personality thing. That person has to love and show emotions for both people in the marriage and it can be a lofty burden. I guess for me though, I've had to learn over the years to be loving. I also am aware of men and their gentle pysche so I'm able to be concious of that.

When you try and approach dh about this, what does he say? Do you think it's a personality or upbringing issue? how is his family?

I'm sure he's always been this way and it's now taking a toll on you, I imagine it's a tough situation to be in. That's why, I really make a concious effort to hug, kiss, say a I love you. Dh and his brother, even his mom still- kiss and hug, and say I love you. They're very expressive with their emotions. It's extremely foreign to me. My personality is like-I said so, I love you, so you should just know:ohwell:. I'm sure for a woman that's a hard thing to have on the opposite end.
 
deltagyrl said:
An emotionally distant person is HARD to love.

I agree with the poster who said it's a joint effort. I can't do it alone and honestly, I refuse to continue doing it.

When I ask if he wants a divorce he always says no but he never changes...:perplexed

How are we ever supposed to connect if one person won't commit to doing the work? It's frustrating.
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Is he even validating or admitting that this is an issue for him? Or just dismissing your feelings completely? I mean does he know that this is hurting you and that you're at a point now where you you've given up? He is probably so used to you caring the relationship that he's now at a loss as to what to do or why it's just now bothering you. He probably thinks- I've always been this way. Have you talked about counseling? SOmetimes it takes an outside party to valdiate another person's feelings.

I hear this alot about men and I honestly think alot of men are like this and it's actually an intimacy issue. We know men suffer from issues with intimacy and trust in love. Again I go back to his background--if he was raised where there were feelings of insecurity in love. I'm saying that b/c I know for me, my issue stems from an unconcious feeling of insecurity of love, abandonment as a child, etc. People can really carry things over into adulthood and not have any idea of how it affects their interpersonal relationships.
 
Zaynab said:
Is he even validating or admitting that this is an issue for him? Or just dismissing your feelings completely? I mean does he know that this is hurting you and that you're at a point now where you you've given up? He is probably so used to you caring the relationship that he's now at a loss as to what to do or why it's just now bothering you. He probably thinks- I've always been this way. Have you talked about counseling? SOmetimes it takes an outside party to valdiate another person's feelings.

I hear this alot about men and I honestly think alot of men are like this and it's actually an intimacy issue. We know men suffer from issues with intimacy and trust in love. Again I go back to his background--if he was raised where there were feelings of insecurity in love. I'm saying that b/c I know for me, my issue stems from an unconcious feeling of insecurity of love, abandonment as a child, etc. People can really carry things over into adulthood and not have any idea of how it affects their interpersonal relationships.
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Sooooo true. Great advice ladies. I'm learning!
 
My heart bleeds for you ladies. Really...I'm sitting here in tears as I read this. :cry: As someone who had an emotionally distant father and now finding herself with emotionally unavailable or "checked out" men, I truly feel your pain. My heart and prayers go out to you!!! :blowkiss:
 
I think most problems people have with communication, love, relationships etc stem from the way they were raised, I really think people should really realize how parenting or lack of can affect people:sad:
 
Zaynab, both of your posts were brilliant. You shed quite a bright light on this troubling issue. Thank you for your honesty.
 
Well ladies, I have to flip the script. I actually have a total opposite guy from the ones in this thread. He's an all out sweet heart. He has his issues (dont' get me wrong) but, as far as being emotionally checked out- that's more me. Reading this thread helps me put things in perspective because, if my LHCF sista's is feeling like this because of their men- maybe, I'm making mine feel like that too. He always tell me I should've been the guy and he the girl because of the way I am. I do know why I'm this way though.

My reason is that I was hurt in my first real relationship- I mean really bad and I vowed to always keep my guards up. Well, years passed and I'm noticing my guards have never been let down. As crazy as this may sound, I dont' know how to totally loosen up. Do I love him? (yes) Is the sex great? (yes) He's the kind that take care of me when I'm sick, cook for me when Im hungry. I try to be nicer, more expressing, passionate and something in me just freezes up and I shut down. Maybe it's from having so much on my plate and not much room for him. I'm not really sure but, I can identify with the hubby's on so many levels.

It could be from hurt from past relationships, non-affectionate personalities, not seeing affection in the home growing up, not having that wake-up call (threat of loosing the other), etc. After reading this thread I'm going to work on me more and maybe even seek C** (sorry i can't say the word)...

The sad part is he had a rough child hood and I had a perfect (in my eyes) one and our actions should maybe be reversed.
 
cookie1 said:
Well ladies, I have to flip the script. I actually have a total opposite guy from the ones in this thread. He's an all out sweet heart. He has his issues (dont' get me wrong) but, as far as being emotionally checked out- that's more me. Reading this thread helps me put things in perspective because, if my LHCF sista's is feeling like this because of their men- maybe, I'm making mine feel like that too. He always tell me I should've been the guy and he the girl because of the way I am. I do know why I'm this way though.

My reason is that I was hurt in my first real relationship- I mean really bad and I vowed to always keep my guards up. Well, years passed and I'm noticing my guards have never been let down. As crazy as this may sound, I dont' know how to totally loosen up. Do I love him? (yes) Is the sex great? (yes) He's the kind that take care of me when I'm sick, cook for me when Im hungry. I try to be nicer, more expressing, passionate and something in me just freezes up and I shut down. Maybe it's from having so much on my plate and not much room for him. I'm not really sure but, I can identify with the hubby's on so many levels.

It could be from hurt from past relationships, non-affectionate personalities, not seeing affection in the home growing up, not having that wake-up call (threat of loosing the other), etc. After reading this thread I'm going to work on me more and maybe even seek C** (sorry i can't say the word)...

The sad part is he had a rough child hood and I had a perfect (in my eyes) one and our actions should maybe be reversed.
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I totally know how you feel b/c I've felt this with way in my own marriage. I have just always had to make a concious effort to be more expressive with my feelings. Dh even once told me that showering him with sex, still doesn't equal expressing love. It really made feel bad:sad: Luckily, he's very understanding of some my personal issues with trust/being loved. I was adopted as an infant but 'abandoned' so to speak prior to that. I think the first step is in knowing and then addressing how you can improve upon those things. I'm much more huggy and touchy than I was 12 years ago. I make a concious effort to be affectionate to him outside of sex and show real intimacy. I have to say it's not always easy, b/c it's not my personality set at all but I was willing to do so.
 
wow so... here is a "testimony" from a poster at the site shortdub posted with the article. ladies, is this a good example of "emotionally distant"?

No talking
Married 17 years. He doesn't drink or smoke and he makes dinner every night (sounds good so far, right?) I can talk all I want, but he will only respond in monosyllabic utterances (if he responds at all). I wanted kids, he didn't, so I have raised our children with little or no help from him. Never tells me or the kids that he loves us. Shows more affection to the cats than he does to any of us. His excuse is that he works and is tired. He talks to his friends on the phone constantly and fishes on the weekends, though. I graduated from College and he came to the graduation - frowning and scowling in every picture. I thought marriage meant love for a lifetime, instead I find it's trying to remember love for a lifetime. I suggested counseling, he said he'd go but said he wouldn't talk. Refuses to work on any marital problems. He knows I want to talk, so he disappears with no explanation until he knows I'm asleep. Sad.
—marriedtosilence
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I am so glad you started this thread OP. I am going through this and at times it is so frustrating and heart rending. The only thing I know for sure right now is that I will not live the rest of my life with someone who does not know how to show their emotions.

Everything else is perfect in my relationship exept for the fact that my DH is emotionally distant. Sometimes I think life is a big joke and I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

The sad thing is all my family think my DH is perfect and wonderful but they are not the ones who are living with him. They think that because he pays the bills, is always at home when not at work and seems so easy going that he is the next best thing since sliced bread and I am the baddie. We have been to two different set of marriage counselling and he is still emotionally distant though he has made some progress. He admits to having the problem but does not know how to overcome it.

Many times we would be home the whole weekend in the house together and I feel so alone. We have been married for nearly 9 years and the first few years were hell. At the time I did not understand what the hell was going on and would sometimes become hysterical because his silence would just drive me so mad. He would try to change for one day and then slip back to his old ways by the second day.

In the first few years of marriage I thought something was wrong with me because all my friends and family kept telling me that I was lucky to have a man that did all he did for me. Now I know the problem is definately not with me. I have suggested couselling again but he has refused becuase he did not find the other times we went to counselling beneficial. I did though and he did try when we went but I think he believes the marriage counselor would give him some magical solution to solve his issues.

I love him but I love myself more. The only reason I have put up with him so long is because I was so busy for several years due to the fact that I changed careers and went to university. So I did not have time to dwell on things. The only thing that keeps me hoping is the fact that he knows he has a problem so we will see.
 
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*sigh*

Lots of great posts in this thread. I'm learning.

My husband had a crappy childhood. Has mommy & daddy issues. Refuses to go to counseling. Holds grudges and purposefully withholds himself from me. When I probe, he usually says that he doesn't know why he does it or that I made him mad so...

Eh,

He wasn't this way when we dated and once we said "I do" he cracked the hayle up. Maybe he pushes me away so that I'll leave? Maybe he doesn't try because if he tries and fails he'll really feel like a loser? Honestly, I don't think that he feels deserving of love & happiness but that's another thread for another day...
 
Zaynab said:
I totally know how you feel b/c I've felt this with way in my own marriage. I have just always had to make a concious effort to be more expressive with my feelings. Dh even once told me that showering him with sex, still doesn't equal expressing love. It really made feel bad:sad: Luckily, he's very understanding of some my personal issues with trust/being loved. I was adopted as an infant but 'abandoned' so to speak prior to that. I think the first step is in knowing and then addressing how you can improve upon those things. I'm much more huggy and touchy than I was 12 years ago. I make a concious effort to be affectionate to him outside of sex and show real intimacy. I have to say it's not always easy, b/c it's not my personality set at all but I was willing to do so.
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Zaynab girl if half of these men did the inner work you have done these women would not be hurting so. The thing is that you "get" what's going on with you and subsequently were able to help your hubby understand as well. And you are making lots of effort to overcome the issue, and you do what you can to overcompensate for the problem. You sound like a "catch" to me and you and your hubby sound like a good match for each other. It sounds like you both need and want to be together.

And as far as the difference between sex and intimacy, I think it is very deep and loving of you to "get" that they are not the same.

Ahhh if only the ladies who've posted here had a husband like you who would do some introspection and show some real compassion.
 
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(((((deltagyrl))))) Hugs to you and all of the other ladies who've posted. You deserve so much better, lots of hugs and kisses and I love you's and You sure do look pretty today. I'm just so sorry.
 
Zaynab said:
I totally know how you feel b/c I've felt this with way in my own marriage. I have just always had to make a concious effort to be more expressive with my feelings. Dh even once told me that showering him with sex, still doesn't equal expressing love. It really made feel bad:sad: Luckily, he's very understanding of some my personal issues with trust/being loved. I was adopted as an infant but 'abandoned' so to speak prior to that. I think the first step is in knowing and then addressing how you can improve upon those things. I'm much more huggy and touchy than I was 12 years ago. I make a concious effort to be affectionate to him outside of sex and show real intimacy. I have to say it's not always easy, b/c it's not my personality set at all but I was willing to do so.
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You put into words things I couldn't. I'm really a caring person but I too have to make a conscious effort when expressing myself. I still have to work on being touchy, feely outside of sex because he'll walk up and hug me and before I know it, I'm pushing away. I can tell it hurts him and sometimes its too late to take back. I'm sorry about you being abandoned but, I'm glad it wasn't worse than abandonment and it probably made you a smarter person today.
 
deltagyrl said:
*sigh*

Lots of great posts in this thread. I'm learning.

My husband had a crappy childhood. Has mommy & daddy issues. Refuses to go to counseling. Holds grudges and purposefully withholds himself from me. When I probe, he usually says that he doesn't know why he does it or that I made him mad so...

Eh,

He wasn't this way when we dated and once we said "I do" he cracked the hayle up. Maybe he pushes me away so that I'll leave? Maybe he doesn't try because if he tries and fails he'll really feel like a loser? Honestly, I don't think that he feels deserving of love & happiness but that's another thread for another day...
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Sigh. I'm sorry, I had to go and tell dh I was sorry for being the way that I am but I really 'try".

I think (black) men have an aversion to counseling. My dh would never go when we had problems in our marriage. Luckily, I'm a self-learner and really wanted to make marriage work so we had to sort of figure it out ourselves.

@ the 2nd bolded--I really do believe that is the core of his problem. How you get him to see that, I don't know. Or rather, how you get him to move out of that, I'm not sure. :sad: I guess again, I go back to the the point, does he really think there is a problem or does he know how deep it hurts you? Dh once wrote me a letter and I didn't respond to it, eh..b/c well I'm not a feeler :ohwell: when he told me that he was upset about it, I thought wow, I didn't know how something i thought was minor could affect the other person. Perhaps if he knew that you were done supporting the relationship, he would attempt to work on it?

Well, I just wanted to come in here and let you know I was thinking about you.
 
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cookie1 said:
You put into words things I couldn't. I'm really a caring person but I too have to make a conscious effort when expressing myself. I still have to work on being touchy, feely outside of sex because he'll walk up and hug me and before I know it, I'm pushing away. I can tell it hurts him and sometimes its too late to take back. I'm sorry about you being abandoned but, I'm glad it wasn't worse than abandonment and it probably made you a smarter person today.
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^^ Yep, that's me. Like holding hands and all of that, eh...not me. I'm a great friend, a loving and supportive wife but when my gf's or my hubby start talking about feelings, it makes me uncomfortable.

My dh and I had something really tragic happen in our marriage and he was very upset about it--he would ask me how I was, well I was upset but I couldn't express it. It's so hard to explain. When my gf's are having problems, I can come with wine and laughs:grin: but I'm not the hold your hand and cry on me friend-well they can, but I'm not gonna cry back:yep:

I'm better but it's alot of work. My mother has diagnosed me :lol: I think it's like those babies in Romanian orphanages that never cried b/c no one ever held them:nono:
 
hopeful said:
Zaynab girl if half of these men did the inner work you have done these women would not be hurting so. The thing is that you "get" what's going on with you and subsequently were able to help your hubby understand as well. And you are making lots of effort to overcome the issue, and you do what you can to overcompensate for the problem. You sound like a "catch" to me and you and your hubby sound like a good match for each other. It sounds like you both need and want to be together.

And as far as the difference between sex and intimacy, I think it is very deep and loving of you to "get" that they are not the same.

Ahhh if only the ladies who've posted here had a husband like you who would do some introspection and show some real compassion.
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Thanks-He is a sweet man. He puts up with alot:yep:

I was trying to think if this would be a harder issue for men or women to deal with. I would think women but then I think men are just as or can be-even more insecure-so not knowing where your spouse is mentally would leave a person feeling extremelly insecure.
 
I'm going through the same thing, and last night my boyfriend actually told me that he needs time apart (even though I live on the East coast and he lives on the West coast...whatever):ohwell:. I just want to say that I feel for all of you ladies, especially for those of you who are married. I know how terrible it feels to make the conscious decision to love someone and then not have that love returned:cry:. I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through this. But I'm trying to take it as an opportunity to let God truly lead me into all things...
I'm praying for peace for all of you!!!!:grouphug3:
 
Like Zaynab, I think every person should do some self-inspection. We could all benefit from learning about ourselves.

Just the other day, I learned that something I did was passive-aggressive, but I did not that at the time. It was not until I read an article where it described my behavior that I thought, "oh wait..I just did that...no wonder he was so upset." At the time, I thought he was being the insensitive one based on his words. But he was reacting based on my actions.

I know now better (and will do better) but I had to learn first. Learn about me. Not about him.
 
envybeauty said:
Like Zaynab, I think every person should do some self-inspection. We could all benefit from learning about ourselves.

Just the other day, I learned that something I did was passive-aggressive, but I did not that at the time. It was not until I read an article where it described my behavior that I thought, "oh wait..I just did that...no wonder he was so upset." At the time, I thought he was being the insensitive one based on his words. But he was reacting based on my actions.

I know now better (and will do better) but I had to learn first. Learn about me. Not about him.
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This is so important in relationships. The great thing is people are (hopefully) always in a period of continuos personal growth. I know some people fear aging, but I woudn't go back to my 20's for anything. Such a confusing time! But now I know why I maybe do somethings and I'm able to address them. As far as marriage and relationships, it's ok to grow while in a relationship, it worked out for me since I married young but it's also good to have a good idea of 'who' you are, so you know that when you face an issue you know your response is based on 'who' you are.
 
*Hugs to all*

I'm at work so I'll be brief.

Counseling is too painful for him. He's just not ready to deal with all of that so my hands are tied.

I tried, y'all. Really I did...

At this point it comes down to what's best for me and my babies.
This isn't healthy for anyone involved.
The longer I stay, the more I lose little pieces of myself... I'm afraid that one day I'll completely disappear.

I love(d) him but I'm finally choosing to put my needs first.

I hope that one day he'll dig deep, look inside and start to heal. He deserves love as we all do.
But I can't wait any longer.

It's over.
 
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Deltagyrl, you have to do what is best for your well-being. We are here for you if you need to talk. You deserve to feel loved back and emotionally connected to your husband. ((((hugs))))

@ Zaynab, I have a big hug for you too! (((Zaynab))) :huggle:
 
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