The Emotionally Distant Husband
- Thread starter deltagyrl
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jamaicalovely
Well-Known Member
I know how you feel. Going through the same thing. ((Hugs))
prettykinks
Well-Known Member
I am in the same situation with my husband. I try all the time to reach him and let him show me some emotion about things but the only emotion he ever shows is anger. I am at the end of my rope with him. I told him that we need to work on our marriage but all he cares about is tv and his phone and computer. I'm sorry you re going thru this also. I want to make him my ex sometime soon but I still love and care about him so it is hard but I'm tired of being in a room together and still feeling alone.
Ms_Delikate
Well-Known Member
Without giving too many details, I am dealing with this.
I am so tired of trying to "reach" him that I just don't know what else to do.
Has anyone ever been with someone who wouldn't give himself to you completely? Did you stay? Is it wrong to leave?
I had one of those..we are now divorced...Good luck!
envybeauty
New Member
Question for the women going through this:
Is "emotionally distant" the same as "emotionally checked out" that people talk about?
Is "emotionally distant" the same as "emotionally checked out" that people talk about?
Ms_Delikate
Well-Known Member
I don't know about for everyone...but in my case that was not it...he was just emotionally unavailable...I can't really explain it...but he just didn't seem to "feel" things and respond normally...like he was just going through the motions and would take cues from others as to how to react and respond in certain situations...you know?
I am sure this did not help....sorry
tetbelle
Well-Known Member
I went through this but my husband changed big time. He did his own introspection and really got to the place he needed to be. It's definitely his bag and hopefully he will choose to deal with it. Maybe you can help him by making him aware that he is checked out. I wish I could write more but can't right now...pm if you want good luck but don't give up ladies.
My heart goes out to ALL the ladies dealing w/ this...I lived w/ this for years and it was lonely and so frustrating.
As I look back and try to connect the dots, I think the bolded above is KEY, if your husband does not do his OWN introspection there is not much left to talk about.
Its his issue. The question then becomes, How and If you will live w/ it?
I still love my exhusband to death and asking for a divorce was the hardest thing ever but he wasn't trying to make it work. He just wanted me to leave him alone to get through it on his own, but dang 2 years to get through it. We were essentially roommates. I was alone even when he was home. That is not a good way to live because you started doubting yourself. I really doubted myself and took on his issue. When I realized I wasn't the one with issues it gave me clarity to do what I did. All he told my mother about our divorce was it wasn't my fault, it was his. Oh well, that meant nothing.
Yup
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Amour
Well-Known Member
It hurt me to read that! I see your pregnant too.
I'm praying for your marriages ladies, I pray that you all can work this out. I honour marriage so much that it makes me sad to see marriages fail
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
Deltagyrl and all other ladies in this thread. I don't have any advice. I just wanted to send some positive energy your way. Maybe you guys can start with little things...like sharing some laughs together....and maybe sharing some "spice" and "heat" together....not a lot all at once or anything ...but each week, increase different types of emotional stimuli... whether that's laughter, passion or even getting into a rousing debate over something you both care about. Start reigniting the energy exchange between you two.Just a thought. Don't give up.
deltadreamland
Well-Known Member
I wasted 8 months dating a guy like this and it finally reached a point where I couldn't deal with him anymore. It was like he wanted me there, but didn't want to do ANYTHING for me when I was there. He didn't want to do anything in bed, out of bed, in the house, outside of the house...I just didn't get it....but he always just wanted me there...WEIRDEST man I've ever dated and he's well into his mid 30s. I finally got fed up with making zero progress with him and broke up with him. He was STILL confused as to why I didn't want to be with him. :long sigh: I honestly think he wanted someone to cater to him completely and I was SO not the one for that bs.
It has to be a collective thing, a guy has to want it also, we can't do it alone. I tried everything and I couldnt get nothing out of him.
Just a thought. Don't give up.
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
I hear you, I didn't mean to imply that it's solely her responsibility. Just that maybe they could reignite the friendship side of their relationship first to get that energy back.
I have never experienced something like this. Maybe it's a personality type and not indicative of a marital issue? Is this possible?
Yes, I can say, I believe this is comes from familial upbringing, lack of accepting responsibility, lack of self confrontation, lack of maturity to understand life is not always just "fun". Sometimes, I found that a man can go into his "cave" and sulk about something that no one knows about and it can last FOREVER...
(Only speaking for my experience)
I have BEEN the emotionally distant person.
I had to get myself out of it. Once, this guy I loved more than anything told me he was going to break up with me because of it. That made me cry and he took it back, but I still could not change. I did not know how to. I wanted him there, but I was locked in. It was a self-confidence issue, imo. I moved out of state and continued the same pattern.
I had to be on my own and have a vision of what I wanted in a relationship.
Someone "at you" just feels like pressure.
Good luck to you. I hope he can work on this issue within your marriage.
I had to get myself out of it. Once, this guy I loved more than anything told me he was going to break up with me because of it. That made me cry and he took it back, but I still could not change. I did not know how to. I wanted him there, but I was locked in. It was a self-confidence issue, imo. I moved out of state and continued the same pattern.
I had to be on my own and have a vision of what I wanted in a relationship.
Someone "at you" just feels like pressure.
Good luck to you. I hope he can work on this issue within your marriage.
deltagyrl
Well-Known Member
An emotionally distant person is HARD to love.
I agree with the poster who said it's a joint effort. I can't do it alone and honestly, I refuse to continue doing it.
When I ask if he wants a divorce he always says no but he never changes...
erplexed
How are we ever supposed to connect if one person won't commit to doing the work? It's frustrating.
I agree with the poster who said it's a joint effort. I can't do it alone and honestly, I refuse to continue doing it.
When I ask if he wants a divorce he always says no but he never changes...
erplexedHow are we ever supposed to connect if one person won't commit to doing the work? It's frustrating.
HairQueen
Active Member
My last proper boyfriend was like this - it lasted 9 months.
Basically he warned me from the begining 'not to fall in love with him' becasue he was holding back some of his feeelings for fear of being hurt again because he was hurt in his last relationship. (I know that should have been my CLUE right??)
I would come home and he would be moody and misearable sometimes and would go in the other room and not talk to me. It never got any better - even after we splilt up he said he could not understand why I ended it.
I think men like this are depressed or have some emotional issue bothering them from their past. Unlike us women (or me anyway!) we talk for hours about it to friends but a lot of men just keep it bottled up inside them.
They need to take control and get themselves to counselling or research on the internet / read books about themselves and their behaviour. This is what I did to better myself when I tried to work my emotional problems in my life and why I repeated the same pattern over and over again
Basically he warned me from the begining 'not to fall in love with him' becasue he was holding back some of his feeelings for fear of being hurt again because he was hurt in his last relationship. (I know that should have been my CLUE right??)
I would come home and he would be moody and misearable sometimes and would go in the other room and not talk to me. It never got any better - even after we splilt up he said he could not understand why I ended it.
I think men like this are depressed or have some emotional issue bothering them from their past. Unlike us women (or me anyway!) we talk for hours about it to friends but a lot of men just keep it bottled up inside them.
They need to take control and get themselves to counselling or research on the internet / read books about themselves and their behaviour. This is what I did to better myself when I tried to work my emotional problems in my life and why I repeated the same pattern over and over again
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
That makes a lot of sense. I have known people to get depressed over general life issues....pressure, anxiety...would just lead them down a road of depression and they withdraw from everyone around them who loves them. It's unfair.
On one hand, that person is being selfish and short-sighted. And, on the other hand, sometimes, I don't think they can help it. It would take a real paradigm shift (and that's if it's not a chemical issue) to really see change in that person. Paradigm shifts have to come from his own independent seeking.
It reminds me of the book by James Allen, As a Man Thinketh. It's a brilliant, tiny little book packed with wisdom about how a person's outward experience is directly correlated to their state of mind. Essentially, he's telling us to quit whining and change our minds to change our life.
I dunno. I hope OP and her beloved can work this out. Reestablish their friendship and enjoy each other once again. I'll be praying for you.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
I'm living this right now too
I mean this is a page right out of my marriage. I'm really thinking of making him my ex and it's a shame because I love him and we have 3 beautiful children together. It's so very confusing. I know I'm a person of value and have many good qualities even if he's blind to it. I'm working hard on doing the best I can to be the best wife I can be but a part of me just says forget it, why go through all that for someone who treats you just like you're some jerk that pissed him off on the road by cutting him off?I'm pretty dang tired of taking the man's role in this. I want HIM to fight for me...but I know he never will so it is what it is. I give up
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jamaicalovely
Well-Known Member
Kbragg,
Is that you in your profile pic? Congrats on your weight loss. Do you think he's feeling some kinda way that you lost that weight and are now looking hot. I heard men act funny after you lose weight. They feel insecure because other men will be looking at you more.
Is that you in your profile pic? Congrats on your weight loss. Do you think he's feeling some kinda way that you lost that weight and are now looking hot. I heard men act funny after you lose weight. They feel insecure because other men will be looking at you more.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
Thanks girl! Yeah that's me. He says it has nothing to do with my weight. I think it may be a personality issue but I dunno. We got into a knid of big argument when I posted the above and I was pretty emotion but I really think I need to read the love languages book again because it really feels like we are speaking different languages! I say one thing but he hears it another way and vice versa. It's so frustrating. I keep trying to explain what I need from him but it's like he doesn't hear what I'm saying. He works 60 hours most weeks plus he studies on his off time so he doesn't really spend nearly as much time as he wants to with us.
I keep trying to tell him it's not about time but just say a nice encouraging word, complement me sometihng. But he thinks it's all about time and gifts he brings me home. It's so frustrating
Those thing are great and I do appreciate them but what I really NEED from him is to HEAR how he feels about me. Words of Affirmation and Physical Tounch are my primary love languages. His I believe is Acts Of Service (which explains why he seems to think that I'm disrespecting him if the house is messy when he gets home) It's just so difficult and nobdy tells you it's going to be like this you know?
Vanity1
Well-Known Member
Thanks girl! Yeah that's me. He says it has nothing to do with my weight. I think it may be a personality issue but I dunno. We got into a knid of big argument when I posted the above and I was pretty emotion but I really think I need to read the love languages book again because it really feels like we are speaking different languages! I say one thing but he hears it another way and vice versa. It's so frustrating. I keep trying to explain what I need from him but it's like he doesn't hear what I'm saying. He works 60 hours most weeks plus he studies on his off time so he doesn't really spend nearly as much time as he wants to with us.
I keep trying to tell him it's not about time but just say a nice encouraging word, complement me sometihng. But he thinks it's all about time and gifts he brings me home. It's so frustrating
I think you are my husband and I am your husband in terms of love language, so I can understand the frustration.
For me, the things you do show me you love me, acts of service and gifts. My husband is very touchy feely, likes to hug, spend time with me, tell me things, but honestly, those things are not as significant to me as what you do for me. I like to see effort. If you are telling me how beautiful I am and how much you love me and I come home and the house is dirty and you sitting around watching ESPN I am like looking like this
erplexed. I think my husband feels as though I am emotionally distant, when in actuality, I am not, it is just that in order for me to really show more emotion towards him, I need to see action. Does that make sense? This is the point where we are now, and we now see that it isn't even so much difference in personality it is just that we love differently. And how we show love is how we want to be shown love most of the time.
It seems as though we automatically expect our SO/DH to readily accept from us how we show love when in actuality, they don't need the same thing you do always.
So the love language book I believe is very much on point. I am going to get it, me and DH took the quiz the other day, and it is valid, so I can understand how conflict can arise out of the differences.
I hope everyone in this thread can work through these things. When DH and I first started dating, our love languages were different then, and they have slightly shifted now that we are married. I think those things happen because life happens. It is just a matter of sitting your spouse down and being able to get it across to them somehow that you need them in different ways then they are providing.
The challange is getting your loved one to SEE that you are hurting from not being fulfilled in a certain way.
I also wanted to add that I am learning to be more accepting of how he loves me. He isn't going to completely love me the way I want to love, but when I accept that there are somethings he does to show me he loves me that might not be the conventional way or my way, it makes things a little easier to work at. Sometimes they just want to be acknowledged for their effort.
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ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
I think you are my husband and I am your husband in terms of love language, so I can understand the frustration.
For me, the things you do show me you love me, acts of service and gifts. My husband is very touchy feely, likes to hug, spend time with me, tell me things, but honestly, those things are not as significant to me as what you do for me. I like to see effort. If you are telling me how beautiful I am and how much you love me and I come home and the house is dirty and you sitting around watching ESPN I am like looking like this
I think my husband feels as though I am emotionally distant, when in actuality, I am not, it is just that in order for me to really show more emotion towards him, I need to see action. Does that make sense? This is the point where we are now, and we now see that it isn't even so much difference in personality it is just that we love differently. And how we show love is how we want to be shown love most of the time.
It seems as though we automatically expect our SO/DH to readily accept from us how we show love when in actuality, they don't need the same thing you do always.
So the love language book I believe is very much on point. I am going to get it, me and DH took the quiz the other day, and it is valid, so I can understand how conflict can arise out of the differences.
I hope everyone in this thread can work through these things. When DH and I first started dating, our love languages were different then, and they have slightly shifted now that we are married. I think those things happen because life happens. It is just a matter of sitting your spouse down and being able to get it across to them somehow that you need them in different ways then they are providing.
The challange is getting your loved one to SEE that you are hurting from not being fulfilled in a certain way.
I also wanted to add that I am learning to be more accepting of how he loves me. He isn't going to completely love me the way I want to love, but when I accept that there are somethings he does to show me he loves me that might not be the conventional way or my way, it makes things a little easier to work at. Sometimes they just want to be acknowledged for their effort.
Dang girlfriend I could have written this myself.
to all who are going through this.
Vanity1
Well-Known Member
Dang girlfriend I could have written this myself.
Sometimes things are not as we always think they are.
At the same time I do realize you cannot control the other person and life is too short to sit around miserable because the husband does not have the emotional capacity to try and think of someone other than himself to work it out. I believe that alot of marriages are ruined because men can be rather stubborn and masculine in areas they can't afford to be. When you are in a marriage, some of the sacrifice is loving your spouse even when you do not want to. I have seen good, long relationships go down the drain because the man experienced something personal and he forgot that his spouse is there to love him and help him through it, she is not the enemy.
I really hope you ladies get through this. And this is a good thread to support one another.