The effect of children on a marriage...

[rcknrobin]

hi ladies,

how long did you and your husband wait to have children?

my husband is currently working on a PHd and it will prob be another 4 or 5 years until he finishes (making me 29 or 30). secondary to his research, we are stuck here in houston (yuck) and unable to take nice, extended international vacations. so i'm torn between having a child soon so her/she will be of age and old enough to travel once my husband finishes..or wait until im 29 or 30..and risk not being able to travel for another number of years b/c they are babies.

i know its personal preference..but just wondering how long you guys waited and what were the conditions for deciding when to have a child?

 

[Evolving78]

Some people are ready to get into parenting mode right away. I feel that you should give your marriage some time to settle. My Dh and I have been married for the majority of us having children. I have been pregnant throughout my marriage. I wish we could have started maybe a year or two later, but they are here now and I love my son and my soon to be daughter very much and would trade them in the world.

 

[gone_fishing]

We only waited 3 years.

I think there's never a perfect time to have a child. You never know what curveballs life will throw at you.

 

[mzcris]

We waited 3 years because we wanted to spend some quality time together and to get to know each other...we only dated 4-months and got married! We've been married for 10-years now...but you know it is never "the right time"

 

[BillsBackerz67]

not married it depends on where we are in life. If thigns went how I want them to I wouldnt want children until Im 34 or 35...and I only want 1 child. he wants 3.

 

[adf23]

This is a good question. DH and I will have been married one year, in a few weeks. Our plan is to try around this time next year. But, I don't know. I could easily wait another 2 years- we are ok financially, but we have done alot of moving around in this yr of being married. I want to be settled when we decide to have kids.

But- age is a factor to a degree- I will be 31 in Nov, and DH will be 37 in Dec. Even though men can have children whenever, I dont necessarily want DH to be 40 when we have our first child. We both want 2.

 

[dlewis]

We started before we were married and started trying for our second baby as soon as we were married. She was born 9 months and one day after we were married.

I think it's best to wait and build a very solid marriage foundation. I believe it would have helped our marriage had we waited. We rushed it but I'm glad we did because I don't think I would have been able to have any more children had we waited. Based on no protecton and no more babies in seven years.

 

[Mom23]

We waited 3 years.

 

[la flaca]

I was too young, so we waited 6 years.

 

[vickid]

hi ladies,

how long did you and your husband wait to have children?

my husband is currently working on a PHd and it will prob be another 4 or 5 years until he finishes (making me 29 or 30). secondary to his research, we are stuck here in houston (yuck) and unable to take nice, extended international vacations. so i'm torn between having a child soon so her/she will be of age and old enough to travel once my husband finishes..or wait until im 29 or 30..and risk not being able to travel for another number of years b/c they are babies.

i know its personal preference..but just wondering how long you guys waited and what were the conditions for deciding when to have a child?

We waited far too long to have children--10 years. Now, as my gynecologist put it, "with the amount of money that it would take to get you pregnant and keep you pregnant and hope to have a healthy child, I could pay tuition for my 2 kids at Stanford next year, BUT, it's your choice vickid..." After I wiped my tears, I regrouped and got back on track with the adoption agency. Ladies, never take your reproductive health for granted like I did. This site is pretty interesting and gives some good info--
http://www.providence.org/oregon/he...gnancy_center/askanexpert_pregnancypast40.htm
.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

We waited far too long to have children--10 years. Now, as my gynecologist put it, "with the amount of money that it would take to get you pregnant and keep you pregnant and hope to have a healthy child, I could pay tuition for my 2 kids at Stanford next year, BUT, it's your choice vickid..." After I wiped my tears, I regrouped and got back on track with the adoption agency. Ladies, never take your reproductive health for granted like I did. This site is pretty interesting and gives some good info--
http://www.providence.org/oregon/he...gnancy_center/askanexpert_pregnancypast40.htm
.

Thanks for posting this. I've noticed that most women of my generation (I'm 28) seem to think that they will be able to concieve with a snap of the fingers at any age up to 40-45 years old. It doesn't always work that way. A woman's fertility starts to decline at about age 27. Most women will be able to concieve at 27, and up to the mid-30's, but it gets harder and less likely as each year passes.

I know we've been taught that one should do everything fun we've ever wanted to do before we start our families. Like having a child is a cancer diagnosis ("At least she had a full life first") or something.

We got pregnant right after we were married, we'd been together almost 3 years. I'm glad we concieved when we did. Our DD is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. Now we're having a son in 3 weeks (yikes!). Fancy foreign vacations might not mean as much to you later on, if you find yourself barren.

 

[JFemme]

Thanks for posting this. I've noticed that most women of my generation (I'm 28) seem to think that they will be able to concieve with a snap of the fingers at any age up to 40-45 years old. It doesn't always work that way. A woman's fertility starts to decline at about age 27. Most women will be able to concieve at 27, and up to the mid-30's, but it gets harder and less likely as each year passes.

I know we've been taught that one should do everything fun we've ever wanted to do before we start our families. Like having a child is a cancer diagnosis ("At least she had a full life first") or something.

We got pregnant right after we were married, we'd been together almost 3 years. I'm glad we concieved when we did. Our DD is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. Now we're having a son in 3 weeks (yikes!). Fancy foreign vacations might not mean as much to you later on, if you find yourself barren.

I have a near/dear family member going through this now, it felt terrible to hear the remorse, regret, fear in her voice...

 

[Shardonay11]

I got married at 21 and have been married for 5 years. My husband and I recently started seriously talking about starting a family. He always wanted to have a house first. I don't really care about that sort of things I believe children bring blessings, there are some things that you just have to but in the creators hands.

I am up for a huge promotion so we decided to wait til then I've waited my whole life to be a mom. I'm totally looking forward to it.

 

[dlewis]

Thanks for posting this. I've noticed that most women of my generation (I'm 28) seem to think that they will be able to concieve with a snap of the fingers at any age up to 40-45 years old. It doesn't always work that way. A woman's fertility starts to decline at about age 27. Most women will be able to concieve at 27, and up to the mid-30's, but it gets harder and less likely as each year passes.

I know we've been taught that one should do everything fun we've ever wanted to do before we start our families. Like having a child is a cancer diagnosis ("At least she had a full life first") or something.

We got pregnant right after we were married, we'd been together almost 3 years. I'm glad we concieved when we did. Our DD is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. Now we're having a son in 3 weeks (yikes!). Fancy foreign vacations might not mean as much to you later on, if you find yourself barren.

I agree.....

I so glad we didn't wait

 

[vickid]

I have a near/dear family member going through this now, it felt terrible to hear the remorse, regret, fear in her voice...

JFemme, "remore, regret and fear" are sadly, very real in this situation. Even though I am an adopted child who was loved more than chocolate cake, I still wanted to produce a "mini me" at some point in life. I don't think that any doctor ever told me that waiting "forever" to have a baby would probably cause problems. But even if a doctor had told me, I don't think it would have really registered.

Now we have the "joy" of dealing with adoption agencies and birth mothers that can take money and change their minds at the 10th hour leaving you feeling hopeless and angry. Oh well............my baby is out there; it's only a matter of time.

 

[naijaGal]

When I wa younger, I always said I'd def wait a few yrs before having kids once married so that we get to enjoy each other for a while and even get to know each other better.

I'm 38, now and feel if I want kids I don't have the luxury of waiting anymore. This really bugs me cos I think it sort of makes me more wary when it comes to dating.
In my 20's I dated purely for the fun of it, I had no agenda, it was simply to be with the other person.

Sometimes now when I'm approached by a guy, I’m like, hmm, do I want to have a kid with him, if not, should I invest / waste time on this relationship? Very irritating cos it makes you tunnel visioned. There's so much to be enjoyed in life and I get hung up on 'what if's.

 

[temfash]

I got married at 22 had my 1st child at 23 the 2nd at 28 and the 3rd at 33. After 14+ years of marriage I'm done. I have always had this idea of being a young glamourous granny in my 40+ (smile) I think

 

[2buttonsnow3]

I got married when i was 19 DH was 20. I wanted to start a family right away but hubby wanted to wait. i was in college and the plan was we would try to have kids when i was done with college. well god had other plans when i was 21 my first child was born she was unplanned but gretaly anticiapated. my 2nd child is due in 4 weeks i am 23 yrs old now. we went away on our honeymoon to the moutains and traveled a little bit to for our 1 year annivesary before we had kids, but now i do feel the need to get away. we could leave our dd with family but she will not take a nap for anyone only in her crib. i don't want to leave my crying kid with someone so we will wait hopefully we can get away next year. my husband always jokes about going on vacation with people and i ask why cant i go. he says because i am always pregnant. given how life is for us now i am glad the lord bless us with our kids i just think by the time we are 28 they will be 6 and 4 so

we want to travel but we do small things now until we can get away by ourselves. it is really what works for you and your dh

why dont you make a list of pros and cons of waiting and not waiting.

HTH