The Dating Dilemma-Giving Up

[TinyBlu]

This probably going to be a vent, but I have once again become discouraged in the whole dating scene and am about one step away from going to a sperm bank and attempting to raise yet another statitstical black child in a fatherless home....

I am 34 years old, attractive (at least I think so), intelligent, well educated and have a successful career. Thankfully, my career has afforded me a few material pleasures, but there is one thing missing....someone to share it with.

I dunno. That's the thing you don't hear about when you are younger. I did what my parents taught me: I did well in school, went to college and grad school, graduated with honors, and got the good job. Wasn't the husband supposed to be in there somewhere?

I did meet a guy while in school and dated him for three years (just long enough to realize he was NOT going to settle down. To this day he is still chasing tail and is almost 40 and never been married). Then, at 28 I got desparate and settled and married the absolute wrong guy just for the sake of being married (overweight, undermotivated, uneducated, irresponsible...etc. ) It was a nightmare.

So since that debacle and divorce, I have really tried to be way more selective.... to no avail.

My situation is quite different. My job keeps me on the road about 70% of the time, so I really don't have a lot of time to cultivate relationships of any kind (male or female). I don't have any friends.... at all.... not even girlfriends.

My parents sheltered me so badly in grade school that I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends. In college and grad school I was so focused on graduating with honors that I didn't hang out much (plus, the restrictions from my parents just made me.... odd. No one wanted to hang out with me anyway). Fast forward to now and the demands of the job make it very hard to meet anyone.

Usually, I am so tired on weekends that I don't get out. Besides, I get tired of going to things alone. I would probably go out more if I had a group of girls to hang out with...

(sigh) I am just really lonely and feel like the wife / mother thing is not in the cards for me and it's depressing.... am I really left with two choices: Single or Settle?

OK... I'm done. Going to drown my sorrows in Peanut Butter Cups....

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

Wow, this sounds exactly like me. Parents sheltered me and I lived far from my school. Very focused in college and law school- the limited experiences with men made me feel like "why bother I'm just gonna focus on school". Now when I'm working I'm working so much I'm to tired to hang out or do happy hour. I always say I make time for what matters (ex.dating)but I haven't like I should. The last year or so I've been doing better at it.

Don't give up. I know it's hard to date and meet fh when you're so busy. There are amazing men out there and your FH will find you but you have to position yourself in places to allow that to happen. Start small...make a commitment to do happy hour once a week or every other week. Join an organization so you can meet some new female friends.

Where are you located?

 

[lushcoils]

What else do you have to offer besides being attractive, educated, intelligent, having a good career, (and you forgot well-traveled ) ?

How do you want someone to share your life with but you say you don't have time to cultivate relationships? That's the main issue right there. If you really want it, you're going to have to find a way to make time. I know it's hard, but you got to do something. Even if it's starting out with going out just once a week. And do your best to keep in touch, with all the technology out there, texting, FB, AIM, you them! You can't meet new people on your travels? That sounds fun. Don't worry about going out alone; that's the best way to meet people.

You seem to be living the past a lot. High school, undergrad, and grad school were so long ago. What's done it's done. (I can relate because my school experiences weren't so great socially). We need to forgive ourselves and parents for whatever caused us to be socially inept, and focus on getting the social life we want now. (That's what I hate when parents/people say just focus on your books, don't worry about friends/boys; they will come later. I'm like um, if I don't learn how to balance my work/school life with my social life now, when I get into my career, I'm not going to know how to have time for friends/dating then either).

But it's not too late. Just have to make some changes if we want to see change.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

How do you want someone to share your life with but you say you don't have time to cultivate relationships? That's the main issue right there. If you really want it, you're going to have to find a way to make time.

Do you have time for a gym membership? You could start taking a group fitness class and meet potential girl friends in there.

 

[TinyBlu]

I live in Charlotte, NC, but I am rarely home during the week to attend a happy hour.

Most of my business travel is to small towns with limited black people or dry counties so I stay home then...

Besides... I am not sure I would be comfortable going to a happy hour alone.

Whenever I have gone to events alone, there is always some guy trying to holla that I am not remotely interested in and he ends up blocking. Then I just feel silly sitting there alone and end up leaving....

Depressing...

 

[TinyBlu]

Great idea on the gym membership, but again... I am rarely even in my home city during the week due to my job.

I have tried to join weekly events in the past and either get kicked out or just drop them because I can't attend the events...

I have tried looking for another job, but in this economy that is easier said than done.

I just feel like I am a victim of my circumstance and destined to be alone....

 

[VelvetRain]

Great idea on the gym membership, but again... I am rarely even in my home city during the week due to my job.

I have tried to join weekly events in the past and either get kicked out or just drop them because I can't attend the events...

I have tried looking for another job, but in this economy that is easier said than done.

I just feel like I am a victim of my circumstance and destined to be alone....

I am same situation as you. Dating is a challenge for me in Charlotte. I can't pinpoint why and I have been here for 5 years. We should hit up happy hour together sometime if you want some company.

 

[chicitygirl]

This might sound harsh, but I'm gonna put it to you plainly, you need to stop making excuses and get a life outside of work. I mean really come up with a plan and follow through on it everyday to make a social life for yourself. In my early 20's, I traveled a lot for work and basically sabotaged every romantic relationship I had because I refused to make my life outside of work a priority. I know exactly what you're going through. It took me getting a new job that didn't require so much travel and wasn't so exhausting to really begin to make time to get out there, date and spend more time with my friends. It was the best decision I've ever made. You're not getting any younger, don't keep making excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. Get out there, meet people, make it happen for yourself if you really want to develop relationships. I know it might be more difficult with your job situation, but you owe it to yourself to have a balanced life, find a mate that deserves you and have a family.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

whatever you do, don't settle. you will regret it even more than you did the first time because you'll know better. have you tried online dating? at least if you gave it one shot you could rule it out.

 

[Etherealsmile]

I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to give you a big your post tugged at my heart strings. Don't give up, you're still very young

 

[TinyBlu]

What else do you have to offer besides being attractive, educated, intelligent, having a good career, (and you forgot well-traveled ) ?

How do you want someone to share your life with but you say you don't have time to cultivate relationships? That's the main issue right there. If you really want it, you're going to have to find a way to make time. I know it's hard, but you got to do something. Even if it's starting out with going out just once a week. And do your best to keep in touch, with all the technology out there, texting, FB, AIM, you them! You can't meet new people on your travels? That sounds fun. Don't worry about going out alone; that's the best way to meet people.

You seem to be living the past a lot. High school, undergrad, and grad school were so long ago. What's done it's done. (I can relate because my school experiences weren't so great socially). We need to forgive ourselves and parents for whatever caused us to be socially inept, and focus on getting the social life we want now. (That's what I hate when parents/people say just focus on your books, don't worry about friends/boys; they will come later. I'm like um, if I don't learn how to balance my work/school life with my social life now, when I get into my career, I'm not going to know how to have time for friends/dating then either).

But it's not too late. Just have to make some changes if we want to see change.

You make some really good points here. I have come across a guy or two while traveling, but one was really crazy (like a stalker...he called me multiple times a day back to back) and the other was MARRIED!!! I run into married men who want to have a good time on the road SOOOO often. It's disgusting.

As for the "other" things I bring to the table. I hike, scuba dive, sky dive.... I love music and poetry, and I have a good sense of humor (at least I think so). I love to cook and I am versatile. I can do Ruth Chris one night and Taco Bell the next.... sounds OK.... I guess....

I would make time if I met the right person. I could definitely alter my travel schedule or take him with me (that's always been my dream). Nothing is more mocking than getting an upgraded ocean front room with a whirlpool... alone....

It just seems that the men I come across LOVE the fact that I'm busy so they can play around when I'm away or they just aren't stepping up to the plate.

Oh yeah.... I HATE the cyber thing. A text here and there is ok, but I want a good, old fashioned ORGANIC relationship. I need someone to actually pick up the phone and TALK to me. Communication is critical. I have seen technology ruin relationships. I don't even have a FB page.

And you are right about the parents.... I do have some degree of resentment (they didn't treat my brothers that way). Working on moving on... thanks for the advice!!!

 

[TinyBlu]

This might sound harsh, but I'm gonna put it to you plainly, you need to stop making excuses and get a life outside of work. I mean really come up with a plan and follow through on it everyday to make a social life for yourself. In my early 20's, I traveled a lot for work and basically sabotaged every romantic relationship I had because I refused to make my life outside of work a priority. I know exactly what you're going through. It took me getting a new job that didn't require so much travel and wasn't so exhausting to really begin to make time to get out there, date and spend more time with my friends. It was the best decision I've ever made. You're not getting any younger, don't keep making excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. Get out there, meet people, make it happen for yourself if you really want to develop relationships. I know it might be more difficult with your job situation, but you owe it to yourself to have a balanced life, find a mate that deserves you and have a family.

(sigh) I know. I know. I am looking for another job as we speak. Trust, there are too many women in my company that are in their 50's with big incomes and no home life. I'm trying....

Thanks for the tough love. I need it!!!

 

[TinyBlu]

whatever you do, don't settle. you will regret it even more than you did the first time because you'll know better. have you tried online dating? at least if you gave it one shot you could rule it out.

I hear you. I found myself doing that for a while. I went out with a lot of "fixer uppers" just to have something to do on a Saturday night then I realized what I was doing and stopped.

I have tried online dating. Haven't had much luck. I think with that I am too physically motivated. Seriously! I won't acknowledge if there's no pic, and if the pic isn't remotely appealing, I won't even read the profile.

I need something that is going to force me to get to know a person rather than just look at the outside. I'm worse than a guy!!!!

 

[TinyBlu]

I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to give you a big your post tugged at my heart strings. Don't give up, you're still very young

AWWWWW!!!!! Thank you.

To me 34 is older than I want to be without having children...

TICK....TICK..... TICK......

I want some babies!!!!

 

[Imani]

Its funny how those of us who are highly educated/successful want love or relationships/social lives to happen "organically". I say this bc I used to be the same way. I also grew up in the "get straight A's and a career and don't think about boys or anything else" type of household

Think about it, when I was in the 2nd grade, I decided I was going to get a full academic scholarship to college. In 9th grade, I had a plan in place and declared I would be valedictorian and started studying on my own for entrance exams and doing extra curricular activities. I had a plan and a clear goal I went after and I executed. Its nice and sweet to think that relationships/a social life are just going to "happen", but with modern lives thats just not the case. You want a relationship and a life outside of work, you gotta come up with a goal and plan of action and make it happen with the same dedication that enabled you to make all those other things happen for you.

 

[SuchaLady]

Oh goodness I feel like this is going to be me We are both too young to be feeling this way

 

[southerncitygirl]

`TinyBlu what about meetup.com girlie....its groups of people with common interests who get together to socialize. keep looking for another job and maybe you need to reinvent yourself career wise....what skills have you acquired that could be used in other fields or industries? maybe you should consider relocating as well.

don't be so hard on yourself, alot of women are in the same boat as you.the first thing we have to do is make ourselves more available to do things outside of work or school. i have to admit that i don't get out as much as i should to even meet men as i fear rejection/being ignored or having weirdos/perverts bother me, when the weather warms i'm out and about but never in places to meet men. this winter i made myself get out at least 1-2 times a month to socialize with girlfriends because i can be a homebody when the temps drop. don't beat yourself up so much:blowkiss:

 

[TrueToHair]

......................................

 

[Syrah]

This probably going to be a vent, but I have once again become discouraged in the whole dating scene and am about one step away from going to a sperm bank and attempting to raise yet another statitstical black child in a fatherless home....

I am 34 years old, attractive (at least I think so), intelligent, well educated and have a successful career. Thankfully, my career has afforded me a few material pleasures, but there is one thing missing....someone to share it with.

I dunno. That's the thing you don't hear about when you are younger. I did what my parents taught me: I did well in school, went to college and grad school, graduated with honors, and got the good job. Wasn't the husband supposed to be in there somewhere?

I did meet a guy while in school and dated him for three years (just long enough to realize he was NOT going to settle down. To this day he is still chasing tail and is almost 40 and never been married). Then, at 28 I got desparate and settled and married the absolute wrong guy just for the sake of being married (overweight, undermotivated, uneducated, irresponsible...etc. ) It was a nightmare.

So since that debacle and divorce, I have really tried to be way more selective.... to no avail.

My situation is quite different. My job keeps me on the road about 70% of the time, so I really don't have a lot of time to cultivate relationships of any kind (male or female). I don't have any friends.... at all.... not even girlfriends.

My parents sheltered me so badly in grade school that I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends. In college and grad school I was so focused on graduating with honors that I didn't hang out much (plus, the restrictions from my parents just made me.... odd. No one wanted to hang out with me anyway). Fast forward to now and the demands of the job make it very hard to meet anyone.

Usually, I am so tired on weekends that I don't get out. Besides, I get tired of going to things alone. I would probably go out more if I had a group of girls to hang out with...

(sigh) I am just really lonely and feel like the wife / mother thing is not in the cards for me and it's depressing.... am I really left with two choices: Single or Settle?

OK... I'm done. Going to drown my sorrows in Peanut Butter Cups....

You have another option. Change what you're doing.

I worked in IT consulting for 5 years and although I had dated a bit, I also realized that my job made dating extremely difficult. You're not home. When you are, meeting guys becomes a race rather than a jog and once you do meet one, keeping him is difficult - Its amazing the things that go through a man's mind when you're the one travelling for business.

As other poster's mentioned, I really had to make time for a personal life outside of work. I started negotiating with my clients to change my travel schedule ("For personal reasons" - no other explanation was necessary) to Sunday-Thursday's so that I knew I would be home one entire business day. I had to be proactive about setting things up with friends and family members. And I went out alone - if there was a concert I wanted to go to, I went alone.

Challenge yourself to strike up conversations, even basic ones with people. Check out www.meetup.com. You might be able to find some meetup's in your area with people who have similar interests. Go to wine tastings (if you're a fan of wine) - I always have found that the types of men who attend these events are "more on the level".

Don't settle. You don't have to. And a year from now, you'll be so glad you didn't.

 

[Syrah]

Its funny how those of us who are highly educated/successful want love or relationships/social lives to happen "organically". I say this bc I used to be the same way. I also grew up in the "get straight A's and a career and don't think about boys or anything else" type of household.

Think about it, when I was in the 2nd grade, I decided I was going to get a full academic scholarship to college. In 9th grade, I had a plan in place and declared I would be valedictorian and started studying on my own for entrance exams and doing extra curricular activities. I had a plan and a clear goal I went after and I executed. Its nice and sweet to think that relationships/a social life are just going to "happen", but with modern lives thats just not the case. You want a relationship and a life outside of work, you gotta come up with a goal and plan of action and make it happen with the same dedication that enabled you to make all those other things happen for you.

Exactly. We are so proactive in our career and educational pursuits. In our spiritual and familial pursuits.

If a relationship and emotional well being means as much to us as our other pursuits and achievements, its time to increase the level of effort.

 

[NaturalRed]

I've been in Charlotte for 3 years now. Dating here is a challenge, but I have still met some pretty interesting people. Meeting people is not hard. It's finding someone you want to establish a relationship with is what is hard. I hate meeting guys in the club. But I am pretty friendly and I get approached a lot when I'm out and about running my normal errands. But believe it or not, I met my current SO in an online dating site about 2 years ago. He's lives here in Charlotte too, and we've been together for a little over a year now.

 

[cutiebe2]

I think what the other ladies said is great advice


WHile I really feel for the ladies who makes these threads (i.e. 30s/40s and single), these threads are lesson and really helped me as a young woman plan a different course of action for how my life is going to be. Even looking at my mother, I see women who are single and often times the work/life balance is the main cause of their singleness. That has been a big eye opener for me. Even as I get ready to graduate and look for my first job I am considering what activities I want to get inlvolved in in my new city to expand my friend circle, meet new people etc. While I will probably travel with my job I am also planning how to make sure I am dedicated to my work but still have x number of hours each week to go to events and get out and meet people. I feel like the generation before us did not realize that and I wish more of them would stress to young women the important of balance.

Anyway, if you change your job and create a plan (2 new activities to get into) you will see some results. Even if you don't meet the one, you will meet new people and just have a better outlook on your social life. Once your attidude changes and becomes more postive the ball will really start rolling.

good luck!

 

[Miss_Luna]

I understand what you're going through. My situation isn't EXACTLY like yours, but it's similar.

I'm 26, single, great career (I LOVE my job), financially independent, well-traveled, blah, blah, blah.


My day consists of me working anywhere between 12-16.5hrs/day. Partying or doing ANYTHING during the week is out of the option. I find enough time to sleep and maybe wash my hair, but that's it.

I wasted about 8 years on-and-off with a guy I met in college. I thought since we were together for so long that he would be my fall back guy. Didn't work out at all. He resented my career, said lots of mean things, and was just downright disrespectful at times.


Then in January of this year, I decided that I wanted to be in a relationship. Once I made this statement everything just changed. I'm still very busy during the week, but I make sure to find time to cultivate platonic and romantic relationships that are worthy. Whether a quick text saying "Hey, how's your day/week going?", or something witty from a previous convo.

Not trying to be mean or anything, but the traveling thing and not liking technology thing is an excuse. Don't self-sabotage yourself subconsciously. And don't wait until you find the "perfect" career that will allow you time to date. That "perfect" career may never come along and you will be stating the same thing. Most people use technology now, you'll never be able to avoid it once you're in a relationship. Everyone's busy, and I'm sure the guy you end up with will periodically text you (in addition to calling you) if he's busy.

You're taking the first step by bringing this issue to the surface. You should try meetup and maybe give online dating a try. I met a guy online, it didn't work out, but after our initial getting to know each other online our only communication was over the phone and he was very understanding that I could only go on dates on the weekend. During the week we would text/call and speak for a little while.

I'm not saying that you won't find an "organic" relationship, but I will state one of my jobs "inclusive" behaviors as an example: "Put your stake in the ground, and be willing, able, and eager to move it". Meaning, don't settle and always make sure you get your points across, but be willing to compromise.

Good Luck on your dating quest.

 

[mischka]

My only problem with dating is that I'm just not meeting anyone I really want to be with lol. I hope it doesn't take another 10 years for that to happen. I better find a male bff that I can marry just in case lol.

I don't put my career/educational endeavors above having a relationship. I have time to have a relationship even if I don't have ENOUGH time or energy to dedicate 90 percent of my time to chasing that which I wouldn't want to do anyway. I just reject almost every man that attempts to court me, or feel out a guy for awhile and decide I'm not interested. So in a way, it's easier if your only issue is just that you work too much and are not social instead of being prohibitively picky and neurotic like I am

I think you should get over your issues with online dating though. If your traveling is as hectic as you say, that is a logical solution that you should have explored a long time ago imo, especially since having a relationship seems to be an important goal for you.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Unfortunately, education, being well travelled, attractive etc. has absolutely nothing to do with finding and keeping a man in your life. So many women think that if they do x, y and z the love of their life will show up and relationships aren't like that really.

Men don't really care about that stuff that makes you look good on paper. It's only a conversation piece. All men want to know is, can you get along and how much sex he would get. I think the big issue is can you get along with him when you find him, can you make time for the relationship, can you drop the baggage that will eventually send him running for the hills? Not only that, when you do find him are you happy with yourself enough and have enough to do outside him besides work to not make him your number one priority. Men actaully don't like to be the center of your attention. But the main problem is where are you to be able to meet him in the first place? This is where having a social life comes in handy. Just my observation and experience.

Don't give up..................

 

[TrueToHair]

.................................

 

[Ms Red]

Bumping this..........

 

[itismehmmkay]

There were some good points already made, just wanted to reiterate the option of finding another job and truly focusing on building relationships as a priority.