STRUGGLING WITH THE "EX" FILES

[TinyBlu]

First, I KNOW this is probably sooooo petty, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm even feeling like this at my age, BUT...

I am SOOOOO intimidated by my SO's EX. Short history:

I met him years ago when he was dating his ex. They were like a POWER couple... the POSTER KIDS for the "perfect relationship".

I never gave him a second look back then and didn't even see him for about three years. Last year, we ended up in the same circles (minus the ex... they had broken up quite a while back), and after being in the same groups, he expressed interest. I was still "doing me" at the time, but after 6 months of relentless pursual, I gave in and agreed to go out with him and we're still going strong...BUT...

We have mutual contacts from when THEY were together and I struggle with it. She seemed perfect and TOTALLY opposite from me. I constantly find myself comparing myself to her and I feel soooo insecure about it.

I haven't disclosed this to my SO because it's... embarrassing. I try to play it off, but our mutual contacts bring her up A LOT (He's even spit her name out a few times). He did confirm that their chapter was closed, but it's still nerve racking.

Insecurity is the ugliest accessory, and I don't want irrational thoughts or fears to get in the way of our relationship... UGH!!!!

 

[kimpaur]

He's with you for a reason...don't sweat it, OP

 

[LadyBugsy]

*** her.

The end

 

[MixedBerry]

Men like different flavors. She may not necessarily be better. You may not necessarily be "less". Y'all are just different flavors. Attraction is a mystery!

 

[*CherryPie*]

Are the mutual friends saying things that's making you jealous?

 

[pink_flower]

What do you think is so perfect about her?

 

[brittle_hair]

I definitely think mutual friends would make things difficult, but he chose you, so don't sweat it.

 

[LiftedUp]

She's may be a great person, but you're a great person in your own right as well. Think about all the qualities that would make you equally a power couple.

 

[Naveah2050]

I understand OP - it's easy to be intimidated but they didn't work out for a reason. He chose you and pursued you for a reason.

 

[topnotch1010]

Are the mutual friends saying things that's making you jealous?

The one time I was in the same situation as OP, this was going on. People were saying things to make me feel insecure. I didn't feel that way without cause.

 

[hothair]

Pay attention to "his" cues and ignore the rest. If they were so perfect together they would be set up in a house with a picket fence

 

[Kimbosheart]

Aww I wouldn't worry about it. Just don't let him see you sweat about her. But you're human and sometimes you will. That's what this site is for.

You are an amazing person and so is she. There are many things that cause relationships to end or continue that are not about how wonderful you are vs. her.

 

[Lucie]

If she was so perfect you would not be his woman. Don't forget that. And let these celebrities be an example to you. Look at how many women land the cover of most beautiful and end up having the most shocking tea. Everything that glitters isn't gold.

 

[Curly Lee]

First, I KNOW this is probably sooooo petty, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm even feeling like this at my age, BUT...

I am SOOOOO intimidated by my SO's EX. Short history:

I met him years ago when he was dating his ex. They were like a POWER couple... the POSTER KIDS for the "perfect relationship".

I never gave him a second look back then and didn't even see him for about three years. Last year, we ended up in the same circles (minus the ex... they had broken up quite a while back), and after being in the same groups, he expressed interest. I was still "doing me" at the time, but after 6 months of relentless pursual, I gave in and agreed to go out with him and we're still going strong...BUT...

We have mutual contacts from when THEY were together and I struggle with it. She seemed perfect and TOTALLY opposite from me. I constantly find myself comparing myself to her and I feel soooo insecure about it.

I haven't disclosed this to my SO because it's... embarrassing. I try to play it off, but our mutual contacts bring her up A LOT (He's even spit her name out a few times). He did confirm that their chapter was closed, but it's still nerve racking.

Insecurity is the ugliest accessory, and I don't want irrational thoughts or fears to get in the way of our relationship... UGH!!!!

What does this mean? What was the context? I'm only concerned that he said something to give you pause and the mutual "friends" are feeding that negative energy that he accidentally planted.

 

[meka72]

The one time I was in the same situation as OP, this was going on. People were saying things to make me feel insecure. I didn't feel that way without cause.

This issue caused huge problems between my ex and me. His friends refused to respect that he had moved on and either always kept him in the loop about her life and vice versa or always brought her up. One couple even set them up to be at their house at the same, while he and I were dating. He refused to simply tell them that he had moved on. Quite frankly, thy were all messy including my then boyfriend.

Perhaps OP could ask mutual friends why they feel the need to discuss his ex with her?

 

[kweenameena]

First of all,
We all experience moments of jealousy and insecurity.
I hope that your boyfriend isn't saying anything that is making you feel insecure. If so, you should definitely find a way to let him know that when he says or does certain things...it doesn't make you feel secure in the relationship.

If comments from his friends are what's making you feel insecure, maybe you could say something to him about that as well. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable because it seems that that chapter of his life isn't closed. Maybe he could shut the friends down when they start up with the BS about the ex.

But if it's not him and not the friends and you just feel jealous because of how seemingly perfect the ex seems....maybe you could spend a bit more time focusing on you and building up your self-esteem/self-love.

I remember obsessing about my (ex) boyfriend's ex because she seemed to have it all together. And I realized that she made me feel inadequate because she seemed to have a lot going for her while I was not living up to my own standard. So I started becoming more involved in things I liked to do, started exercising, seeing a therapist, pampering myself, taking classes...and the more I did/accomplished, the better I felt about myself.

So much so that my (ex) boyfriend started noticing more things he loved about me as well.

My point is that sometimes others make us feel indequate because we aren't living the life we want. Once you do, you won't even have time to think about his ex because you'll be sooo in love with you.

 

[topnotch1010]

This issue caused huge problems between my ex and me. His friends refused to respect that he had moved on and either always kept him in the loop about her life and vice versa or always brought her up. One couple even set them up to be at their house at the same, while he and I were dating. He refused to simply tell them that he had moved on. Quite frankly, thy were all messy including my then boyfriend.

Perhaps OP could ask mutual friends why they feel the need to discuss his ex with her?

Exactly!! This is the kind of stuff that happens when you deal with messy people. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't see it then, but I wouldn't dare put up with it now.

OP, all of that talk about her is fueling your insecurities. Speak up about it.

 

[TinyBlu]

Are the mutual friends saying things that's making you jealous?

Not necessarily to make me jealous. They just mention her in passing but for some reason I cringe inside. She's a really nice person. We actually communicated a few times prior to me dating her ex, and we were always cool.

I know for a fact that the ex is no longer speaking to one of our mutual friends because she felt like there was some hiding of information when I first started dating the guy. The ex felt like the mutual friend should have told her... that kinda made me feel bad

 

[TinyBlu]

What do you think is so perfect about her?

The ex and my boo just seemed to have more in common. He's told me that those mutual interests aren't important to him, but it still kinda bothers me.

They were both really into running, and I have bad knees so I can't really participate. I lift weights, but it's not the same. We've tried running together and I feel like I'm slowing him down whereas she could keep up with him or pass him.

She was VERY outgoing and knew a lot of people whereas I keep my circle a little more intimate.

I think her body was amazing, but he has told me that he thinks mine is better...

I know I'm irrationally obsessing. It helps to vent.

 

[TinyBlu]

The one time I was in the same situation as OP, this was going on. People were saying things to make me feel insecure. I didn't feel that way without cause.

Exactly... and it doesn't help that there are videos and pics of them at running events EVERYWHERE. I think that makes me insecure.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Is it that you feel guilty because you feel like you stole her man...because she's so nice and you like her? That's what it sounds like.

If they were supposed to be together, they would be. Evidently, their relationship wasn't all that great. Stop feeling sorry for her!!!!!!!!!! She doesn't need your pity...and I doubt she even WANTS it. Let her be mad at the other friends if she needs to.

You don't owe her anything because you're dating her ex. Every time you start thinking crazy...and it is crazy ...tell yourself to STOP IT! Just cut it out girl.
...and enjoy your relationship. Again, snap out of it.

Not necessarily to make me jealous. They just mention her in passing but for some reason I cringe inside. She's a really nice person. We actually communicated a few times prior to me dating her ex, and we were always cool.

I know for a fact that the ex is no longer speaking to one of our mutual friends because she felt like there was some hiding of information when I first started dating the guy. The ex felt like the mutual friend should have told her... that kinda made me feel bad

 

[*CherryPie*]

Sometimes, opposites attract. He may LOVE that you're different. It might be intriguing to him. Don't nobody want somebody that's EXACTLY like them. You're exciting and different. Don't try being like him...or her. Be yourself.

The ex and my boo just seemed to have more in common. He's told me that those mutual interests aren't important to him, but it still kinda bothers me.

They were both really into running, and I have bad knees so I can't really participate. I lift weights, but it's not the same. We've tried running together and I feel like I'm slowing him down whereas she could keep up with him or pass him.

She was VERY outgoing and knew a lot of people whereas I keep my circle a little more intimate.

I think her body was amazing, but he has told me that he thinks mine is better...

I know I'm irrationally obsessing. It helps to vent.

 

[TinyBlu]

First of all,
We all experience moments of jealousy and insecurity.
I hope that your boyfriend isn't saying anything that is making you feel insecure. If so, you should definitely find a way to let him know that when he says or does certain things...it doesn't make you feel secure in the relationship.

If comments from his friends are what's making you feel insecure, maybe you could say something to him about that as well. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable because it seems that that chapter of his life isn't closed. Maybe he could shut the friends down when they start up with the BS about the ex.

But if it's not him and not the friends and you just feel jealous because of how seemingly perfect the ex seems....maybe you could spend a bit more time focusing on you and building up your self-esteem/self-love.

I remember obsessing about my (ex) boyfriend's ex because she seemed to have it all together. And I realized that she made me feel inadequate because she seemed to have a lot going for her while I was not living up to my own standard. So I started becoming more involved in things I liked to do, started exercising, seeing a therapist, pampering myself, taking classes...and the more I did/accomplished, the better I felt about myself.

So much so that my (ex) boyfriend started noticing more things he loved about me as well.

My point is that sometimes others make us feel indequate because we aren't living the life we want. Once you do, you won't even have time to think about his ex because you'll be sooo in love with you.

Thanks for this.

No, my sweetie has never really brought her up. In the beginning of the relationship, I alluded to being somewhat uncomfortable (after attending an event where many of the people knew of THEM as a couple), and he assured me that the door was closed on the relationship and he had NO intentions of going back.

The ONE mutual friend that brings her up isn't doing it maliciously. Actually, she makes an effort to try to inform me of how bad it was between them, but I don't really want to hear that.

So, yes... it is more of a self esteem issue. I've been laid off for a while and dealing with all of that and it just seems like she has it all together in comparison.

I try to keep a cool head around my boo (because it is not the cutest thing), and as I get back to "myself" I'm sure it will dissipate. I'm just glad to have some "cyber girls" to bounce it off of so I don't melt down with him!!!

 

[*CherryPie*]

Those videos and pictures are of the PAST. That was his life with her. Yours, naturally, will be different, because the relationship is different. Stop comparing yourself to her. That's a easy way to ruin your relationship....and lower your self esteem.

Exactly... and it doesn't help that there are videos and pics of them at running events EVERYWHERE. I think that makes me insecure.

 

[TinyBlu]

Is it that you feel guilty because you feel like you stole her man...because she's so nice and you like her? That's what it sounds like.

Stole is such a harsh word . Since they were apart for well over a year before he even pursued me AND she was on new man #3 by the time she learned I was dating him, I can't TECHNICALLY say I stole him

BUT... she really is a nice person... Someone I liked and I don't like "making people feel bad" or "coming in between friendships".

You're right. I need to just stop tripping

 

[*CherryPie*]

I understand. I said stole because it sounds like you feel like she should be with him because they were better together, but now you have him. You kind of sound like you don't deserve to be with him.

Do you tend to feel guilty...or bad, for people irrationally outside of romantic relationships?

Stole is such a harsh word . Since they were apart for well over a year before he even pursued me AND she was on new man #3 by the time she learned I was dating him, I can't TECHNICALLY say I stole him

BUT... she really is a nice person... Someone I liked and I don't like "making people feel bad" or "coming in between friendships".

You're right. I need to just stop tripping

 

[kweenameena]

A lot of times there's more chemistry (passion) between people who are different. So enjoy the fact that the 2 of you are so different.

And work on loving you more so that you know your worth. Regardless of how great a woman is....that doesn't mean I'm not great in my own right.
And it doesn't mean she's better than me.

 

[Mai Tai]

It's not that she is perfect, or that they have a lot in common, it's the fact that you seem very unsure of yourself in this relationship. I mean, you are comparing yourself to her on a microscopic level that is neither healthy or productive.

 

[TinyBlu]

I understand. I said stole because it sounds like you feel like she should be with him because they were better together, but now you have him. You kind of sound like you don't deserve to be with him.

Do you tend to feel guilty...or bad, for people irrationally outside of romantic relationships?

Yep. I take on everybody's everything (my therapist has a field day with this....).

 

[PeaceFlow]

You're making an issue where there isn't one for him.

If she was perfect they would still be together. She wasn't the "one". He has moved on. You need to move on from her too lol.