Spinoff: Would you be upset if you found out your SO was sexually abused....
- Thread starter LoveisYou
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yokoyokogirl
New Member
I would be a little upset that he didn't feel comfortable telling me, but I wouldn't be overly mad. It's a tough subject and he's probably spent years dealing with it and the pain.
LunadeMiel
Well-Known Member
Abuse, I would understand. Been with a man willingly, that piece of information would make me leave him immediately.
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Makenzie
Well-Known Member
I would want to know if he'd been abused or with a man before we were married. Abuse is not a deal breaker depending on many things. I plan to ask both questions whenever I decide to remarry. There is no way I want a man who had been with another man willingly. So I need to know up front.
I'm glad you wrote this, because I think it really highlights why people are open about some things yet refuse to share other things.
So you would leave him immediately even if you were married for 10 years and the incident b/n him and another man occurred 5 years before he even met you?
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LunadeMiel
Well-Known Member
Yes. I've probably try to have the marriage annulled.
qchelle
Well-Known Member
I don't think I'd be that upset that he didn't tell me before...I understand...that's a hard thing to tell someone. I'd just be happy he finally told me.
If he was sexually abused? I would be sad for him. I wouldn't be mad at him or anything...at all. Wasn't his fault.
If he'd been with a man willingly,sexually, in the past? Like an isolated occurrence (or 2)? If I'd been with him for YEARS as you say? And I was (mostly, because you can never be 100% sure) certain that he had been faithful to me all these years? No, I don't think I'd be upset about that. I'd just chalk it up to him being a very liberal person and wanting to experiment when he was younger.
If he'd been with a TON of men in the past? Like if he claimed himself, openly, as gay in the past and had relationships/sex with men exclusively? Now that I'd have a problem with.
If he was sexually abused? I would be sad for him. I wouldn't be mad at him or anything...at all. Wasn't his fault.
If he'd been with a man willingly,sexually, in the past? Like an isolated occurrence (or 2)? If I'd been with him for YEARS as you say? And I was (mostly, because you can never be 100% sure) certain that he had been faithful to me all these years? No, I don't think I'd be upset about that. I'd just chalk it up to him being a very liberal person and wanting to experiment when he was younger.
If he'd been with a TON of men in the past? Like if he claimed himself, openly, as gay in the past and had relationships/sex with men exclusively? Now that I'd have a problem with.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
No I wouldn't be upset about him being molested --I would be understanding knowing how he kept this to himself all the years.
A for past sexual relationships--unless I need to know for health purposes--keep the past the past.
A for past sexual relationships--unless I need to know for health purposes--keep the past the past.
~~HoneyComb~~
Well-Known Member
If he had been abused as a child, then I'd like to know hoping I could offer some support, but it's highly unlikely that a man will tell his spouse of this because men don't like to talk about it.
Oprah's Part II show on the 200 sexually abused men will air this Friday--most of their wives, girlfriends, etc. will find out for the first time that their man had been a victim of abuse
. According to the statistics of that show, 1 in 6 men have been abused sexually--that's a lot of men, and this topic is just now getting a little bit of attention.
Oprah's Part II show on the 200 sexually abused men will air this Friday--most of their wives, girlfriends, etc. will find out for the first time that their man had been a victim of abuse
. According to the statistics of that show, 1 in 6 men have been abused sexually--that's a lot of men, and this topic is just now getting a little bit of attention.
KEWLKAT103
Well-Known Member
Abused- I would be sad for him and know that it was probably hard to work up the courage to talk about it. if he felt like he still had unresolved issues because of it, I would encourage him to seek counseling.
Willingly been with a man before- I would be incredibly disturbed and have many many questions to ask him. First off he would have lied to me, so there would be trust issues. That is a question I asked men while dating and I asked my DH a couple of times before we married.
Willingly been with a man before- I would be incredibly disturbed and have many many questions to ask him. First off he would have lied to me, so there would be trust issues. That is a question I asked men while dating and I asked my DH a couple of times before we married.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
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sunnieb
Well-Known Member
I would leave. I've been married 16 years now and I'd leave if I found out something like this right now or years from now. He should have told me this before marriage, heck while we were seriously dating! Don't want to be blind-sided because some old man-on-man feelings creep back into his system.
ETA - I would not judge him or blame him for not telling me about being abused as a child. It wasn't his fault and I would let him know that I would be there to support him.
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HoneyA
Goal:Hip length stretched
If my SO had been sexually abused, I wouldn't expect him to tell me unless he wanted to. That is hardly a comfortable subject to bring up with someone and talk about. Why would I be upset if he didn't want to talk about it before? Once it's out in the open and he is more at ease talking about it, my primary concern would be, have he received counseling and is this going to cause a problem when we start a family. Has he dealt with this issue thoroughly?
I'll be honest about the other situation (if he was a willing participant and this has nothing to do with him being sexually abused), I would not be so forgiving in the sense that I am heterosexual and I want to be with heterosexual man. Period. How can I be sure that at some point he may not want to revisit that past? Once I find out that piece of info, I now have doubts about his sexuality.
ETA. Actually I briefly dated a guy who was abused by a woman when he was a child. He is still working on his issues.
I'll be honest about the other situation (if he was a willing participant and this has nothing to do with him being sexually abused), I would not be so forgiving in the sense that I am heterosexual and I want to be with heterosexual man. Period. How can I be sure that at some point he may not want to revisit that past? Once I find out that piece of info, I now have doubts about his sexuality.
ETA. Actually I briefly dated a guy who was abused by a woman when he was a child. He is still working on his issues.
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Childhood sexual abuse, no. Sexual contact with another man, maybe. It really depends on what the circumstances were. As much as we don't want to acknowledge it, there are a lot of hetereosexuals who have been involved in homoerotic behavior. I mean some of the stuff fraternities do is highly homoerotic....so are we going to cross off all former frat boys?
If my man told me he had sex with another man before we married, it was a one time thing, I trusted him, and our life together was good and whole, I would be upset but I could get over it. If it were a more regular thing, like a "phase" in his life....I would have a much bigger problem and would have to really think about whether I could continue being with someone who hid such a big part of their life experience.
If my man told me he had sex with another man before we married, it was a one time thing, I trusted him, and our life together was good and whole, I would be upset but I could get over it. If it were a more regular thing, like a "phase" in his life....I would have a much bigger problem and would have to really think about whether I could continue being with someone who hid such a big part of their life experience.
Yeah I was going to say the same thing. To turn around after he finally feels good enough within himself to tell you about a troubling past and say "What?!?! Why didn;t you tell me?" would take the spotlight from him and turn it on you. Some people dont talk about that not because they don't trust you, but because it causes trauma, pain, fear, anger, and uncertainty. he may have been struggling with this his whole life and has NOTHING to do with the relationship. To make it about the relationship would be another reason to just keep quiet and hide more things from you because now he was to add worrying about his mate's pride getting hurt.
Strangefruittree
New Member
i feel so bad for men who have been abused and/or sexually curious. women are greeted with compassion and support... and men get cast away or they have to surpress emotions. I wish we could all be free and free ourselves from judgemental thoughts and open our hearts to help heal hurt people. if you have ever been confused or abused please dont do that to another. go back to what that felt like for you and try to help make the situation better for the other person. If you are unable to do that just admit you are a selfish jerk who does not derserve the company and love and support from another. dont let your fear of having a DL man, smh, stop you from being able to be a friend to a person in need. Dl dudes are proably like that because they cannot be who they are openly without shame and judgement. Everyone wants truth and happiness... do your part in creating an atmosphere for it to exist.
no, same title from the beginning...
ladylibra_30
Well-Known Member
DL men don't get a pass from me. Deception (and as a result of that deception which can threaten my very life/health) is serious. More serious than his preference for penis and putting on appearances. More DL men then I care to think of endanger women/children every single day just because they want to appear a certain way to society or because they can't be real with themselves - why should an unsuspecting woman suffer behind that?!
Now, if you mean he's DL on the legitimate tip - i.e. He's gay and is sexually active exclusively with other gay men but hasn't come out of the closet then I'll support him as long as the day is long. His body, his life, his decision.
ladylibra_30
Well-Known Member
If my SO was sexually abused and choose not to share it with me I would not be upset one bit because I wouldn't share that information with him OR anyone for that matter (I don't expect of others what I am not willing to do myself). Many incest/molestation victims don't even tell the people who can protect them - their parents.
If he did tell me, my heart would break for him into a million pieces. OTOH, I would also wonder if he as a result of being molested had hurt someone else. It seems that molested folks tend to be promiscuous and/or molest others. Bad cycle.
If he did tell me, my heart would break for him into a million pieces. OTOH, I would also wonder if he as a result of being molested had hurt someone else. It seems that molested folks tend to be promiscuous and/or molest others. Bad cycle.
Guitarhero
New Member
Well, your first question is regarding sexual abuse and that could have happened via a man or a woman. So, if that is the question and one found out that the abuser is same-sex, no, I wouldn't be upset. It doesn't make him gay. I believe in transparency but there are some things that people will not share and sexual abuse is usually one of them.
BTW, in general to the discussion, isn't it kinda wrong to assume that sexually abused kids grow up to molest others? It takes a certain kind of ill mindset to molest anybody and not all the abused molest in turn. That assumption should not be made to generalize about the victims of abuse.
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changingSeasons
Well-Known Member
Most people that were molested dont go on to hurt others.
Now many people that molest were themselves molested.
I agree with you that it is a bad cycle. Just wanted to point that out.
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