Spinoff: The "good and the bad" in a Marriage?

MizaniMami

MizaniMami

New Member
Everyone says their marriage is great and that it has it's "good and it's bad times." Obviously, everyone knows what composes of a happy marriage, so let's focus on the "bad." When people say this, what is this refering too? Arguments? Cheating? Financial stress What? ?

What is "bad" enough in a marriage that you would WANT to leave, but don't? I am not married, never have been, but I want to know what I am up for in the future. Regular couples argue, so why is it so different when you are married?

Us non married ladies what to know, what "bads" we should HAVE to put up with for the sake of a marriage? I hope you ladies understand my questions.
 
I would say don't put up with something that really irks you because chances are it is not going to change. I put up with a few things that I naively thought would get better. I guess that is why I filed for divorce. Negro was straight trippin. I have used it as a learning experience. I was with him for 12 years, married 6 and we should have never gotten married. But I thought it would change a little. Don't waste your life away. Thank goodness no children.
 
I wouldn't call it "bad" maybe "hard" or "difficult"...
A "bad" to me is abuse; verbal, emotional, physical...that is a "bad" don't put up with that.
but a hard/difficult is....my husband spends way more money than i do and most of the time it's before something that needs to be taken care of has been done. He is an impulse buyer. I on the other hand am not and we tend to clash, but i knew that before we got married. I didn't expect it to change but i can deal with it. It's hard but we have learned to compromise. I am really cheap though
 
If something is so bad in your marriage that you seriously want to leave, you probably should. The thing is, when you are upset and feel you're really right about something, and your spouse is the same, you'll feel so mad that you'll think you want to leave. I think a person's bad faults make you wanna leave, but everything good about them is what makes you stay.

For me, the worst part is in an argument or discussion where I just know that he is wrong, or my way is better etc., but I have to be mature enough to be the biffer person and see that he feels as strongly about his POV as I do. That's the hardest, when I don't get the last word, and just agree to disagree, even if I know that I am right.
 
breezy said:
If something is so bad in your marriage that you seriously want to leave, you probably should. The thing is, when you are upset and feel you're really right about something, and your spouse is the same, you'll feel so mad that you'll think you want to leave. I think a person's bad faults make you wanna leave, but everything good about them is what makes you stay.

For me, the worst part is in an argument or discussion where I just know that he is wrong, or my way is better etc., but I have to be mature enough to be the biffer person and see that he feels as strongly about his POV as I do. That's the hardest, when I don't get the last word, and just agree to disagree, even if I know that I am right.
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I never really think like that now. Did you think like this in relationships before marriage?
 
MizaniMami said:
I never really think like that now. Did you think like this in relationships before marriage?
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Well honestly, he was my only relationship. But I thought like that when it was a really serious issue that seemed like we would never get it resolved. Now an argument over who did the dishes last...no, but you know, more serious stuff. But I've since learned that it's just me thinking out of anger in the heat of the moment, not my real feelings.
 
breezy said:
Well honestly, he was my only relationship. But I thought like that when it was a really serious issue that seemed like we would never get it resolved. Now an argument over who did the dishes last...no, but you know, more serious stuff. But I've since learned that it's just me thinking out of anger in the heat of the moment, not my real feelings.
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I could def. learn from not validating my feelings from the heat of the moments!
 
MizaniMami said:
I could def. learn from not validating my feelings from the heat of the moments!
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Girl, when I first got married and we moved in together, I would be plotting to leave his behind right after an argument! So finally I talked to another married woman about it and she laughed and laughed at me and told me girl you can't go by your feelings when you're pissed, you'll be liable to do anything!
 
"What is "bad" enough in a marriage that you would WANT to leave, but don't?"


That is a very interesting questions...I am not sure I have an answer. Some tihings can be over looked. For me and I have thought of the D word on more than several occasions in my 10 year marriage-what were the causes-lack of communication, not being on the same page, taking me for granted, not listening to me-but listening to the same thing from his boyz, not putting in the marriage as much as I was putting in. But are these divorcable offenses? I don't think so, I learned to cope and turn it around without conflict. We did not date long, so we never saw each other 'bad' tendencies. But we both have them. The things I can and will not overlook is infidelity, hitting and hurtful lying. I can and probably will forgive for my childrens sake, but I can/will not forget.
For me, once the trust is gone-so is the marriage.
And I will probably never marry again.:ohwell:
 
What is "bad" enough in a marriage that you would WANT to leave, but don't?

Inlaws, my husbands mother and her family, are messed up. Several times I thought that if I divorced him I won't have to deal with them, but I had kids with him so they would always (to a certain extent) be involved with the kids.

After I cut them out of my life three years ago everything has been great. They are not allowed to call my house unless this an emergency, and they are not allowed in my driveway or house. :) They didn't realize who they were messing with. I do NOT like drama.
 
dlewis said:
What is "bad" enough in a marriage that you would WANT to leave, but don't?

Inlaws, my husbands mother and her family, are messed up. Several times I thought that if I divorced him I won't have to deal with them, but I had kids with him so they would always (to a certain extent) be involved with the kids.

After I cut them out of my life three years ago everything has been great. They are not allowed to call my house unless this an emergency, and they are not allowed in my driveway or house. :) They didn't realize who they were messing with. I do NOT like drama.
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DANG!!!!! I can just see his mama's face, lol
 
Dag, Dlewis. You DON'T play. That's good though. One has to establish boundaries.

Do your husband and kids interact with the in-laws?
 
Good and bad totally depends on the mentality of the person living that particlar life at that particular time.
 
zora said:
Dag, Dlewis. You DON'T play. That's good though. One has to establish boundaries.

Do your husband and kids interact with the in-laws?
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Yes, my husband has a strained relationship with his mother and her family, and my kids see them but not often. My father in law and his family are great.
 
It is so different when you are married because now everything either of you do involves the other. Before we were married he could go and buy a car and not mention a thing to me but let him come home with a car and we have not discussed how it would affect us financially, big problem. Finances are our biggest "issue" and I see why it is the number one cause of many divorces. It is harder for some people to make the adjustment. I think our biggest problem comes from him renting and me owning my house when we met, his rent, utilities, and groceries were substantially less than my mortgage. I was not struggling to make any payments but I knew it was important to have money put up for any house problems and he just didn't. If I could change one thing I would have waited for him to own a home on his own before we got married because if I hear him crying one more time about the gas & electric bill I might hurt him :look:
 
cincybrownsugar said:
It is so different when you are married because now everything either of you do involves the other. Before we were married he could go and buy a car and not mention a thing to me but let him come home with a car and we have not discussed how it would affect us financially, big problem. Finances are our biggest "issue" and I see why it is the number one cause of many divorces. It is harder for some people to make the adjustment. I think our biggest problem comes from him renting and me owning my house when we met, his rent, utilities, and groceries were substantially less than my mortgage. I was not struggling to make any payments but I knew it was important to have money put up for any house problems and he just didn't. If I could change one thing I would have waited for him to own a home on his own before we got married because if I hear him crying one more time about the gas & electric bill I might hurt him :look:
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Damn, you just made the other side of my OCD come out. Not even trying to be funny, but I am saving for my dream home and NEVER once have I thought about saving for problems that may occur IN the home.

Girl you brought up some great points-finances.

Dlewis, what happened (might I ask) for you to now what them to come over anymore?
 
Well it's been several things over the last 10 years, but start in June 2003 things got to a point that I decided she was no good for me AT ALL. My husband surprised me with a new Yukon XL (now keep in mind that I drove a Suzuki Sidekick for 10 years, and never complained), she was livid, she felt that he should have bought her a car before me.

My husband gave me a birthday pary for my 30th birthday, she invites her married boyfriend (I'm freinds with his wife) to the party, he and I don't get along to begin with, I had to threaten to call the police before he would leave, she was upset about that.

So, she's looking for a reason to get my husband to divorce men because she can't have her way like she does with everyone else. My SIL had a baby she didn't want, she left the baby here and moved back to Texas. I was concerned that my MIL drug addict freinds would hurt the baby so I ask my SIL if she wanted me to keep the baby until she decided what she wanted to do. She said yes, that would be really helpful, so I said, well you're gonna have to sign custody of the child over to me, she said no and we continued the conversation. The next day (Sunday) my husband goes by his aunts house and the whole family's having a meeting (mostly women). They decide that they're gonna put me out of the family, and I guess my husband suppose to divorce me. They tell him what I did (ask for custody of the child), which we had discussed. They proceed to tell him that if I wanted a baby I coud have my own da.. baby, who do I think I am. They also tell him about the disagreement I had with his aunt.

Disagreement with aunt: My husband had been laid off from his job. The aunt makes the comment well he's gonna have to get a job. I tell her we have never asked you for help and it's none of your business if he's working or not you should tend to her own husband that should be enough to handle.

Well anyway they put me out the family, until that Christmas they decided they wanted to me family again. They all show up at my house. I walk outside to greet them with my glock close by. My brother and his family's and FIL were here and some other freinds. I ask them where do they think their going, they come close as if to hug me, I explain that if they ever enter my driveway for any reason I will shoot first and ask question later, there are no traspassing signs everywhere. I explained that they were not welcome here for any reason and if they need to contact my husband they can by his cell phone.

They have since appolgized and I have accepted but they are still not welcomed here at this house.
 
dlewis said:
Well it's been several things over the last 10 years, but start in June 2003 things got to a point that I decided she was no good for me AT ALL. My husband surprised me with a new Yukon XL (now keep in mind that I drove a Suzuki Sidekick for 10 years, and never complained), she was livid, she felt that he should have bought her a car before me.

My husband gave me a birthday pary for my 30th birthday, she invites her married boyfriend (I'm freinds with his wife) to the party, he and I don't get along to begin with, I had to threaten to call the police before he would leave, she was upset about that.

So, she's looking for a reason to get my husband to divorce men because she can't have her way like she does with everyone else. My SIL had a baby she didn't want, she left the baby here and moved back to Texas. I was concerned that my MIL drug addict freinds would hurt the baby so I ask my SIL if she wanted me to keep the baby until she decided what she wanted to do. She said yes, that would be really helpful, so I said, well you're gonna have to sign custody of the child over to me, she said no and we continued the conversation. The next day (Sunday) my husband goes by his aunts house and the whole family's having a meeting (mostly women). They decide that they're gonna put me out of the family, and I guess my husband suppose to divorce me. They tell him what I did (ask for custody of the child), which we had discussed. They proceed to tell him that if I wanted a baby I coud have my own da.. baby, who do I think I am. They also tell him about the disagreement I had with his aunt.

Disagreement with aunt: My husband had been laid off from his job. The aunt makes the comment well he's gonna have to get a job. I tell her we have never asked you for help and it's none of your business if he's working or not you should tend to her own husband that should be enough to handle.

Well anyway they put me out the family, until that Christmas they decided they wanted to me family again. They all show up at my house. I walk outside to greet them with my glock close by. My brother and his family's and FIL were here and some other freinds. I ask them where do they think their going, they come close as if to hug me, I explain that if they ever enter my driveway for any reason I will shoot first and ask question later, there are no traspassing signs everywhere. I explained that they were not welcome here for any reason and if they need to contact my husband they can by his cell phone.

They have since appolgized and I have accepted but they are still not welcomed here at this house.
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OMG! You is a gangsta!!!!
Damn, that messed up how "family" treats you. Makes me not even want to get involved.:mad:
 
Not loving your husband anymore makes a marriage bad. Not trusting him because he cheated when you dated and finding out the day of the ceremony and marrying anyway. Yup, and him not working or seeming as if he's not trying to better himself. while the wife has two jobs, and goes to school full time.


Those are the things that makes a bad marriage. Thats why the wife told him to go stay with his mama pending divorce.
 
MizaniMami said:
Everyone says their marriage is great and that it has it's "good and it's bad times." Obviously, everyone knows what composes of a happy marriage, so let's focus on the "bad." When people say this, what is this refering too? Arguments? Cheating? Financial stress What? ?

What is "bad" enough in a marriage that you would WANT to leave, but don't? I am not married, never have been, but I want to know what I am up for in the future. Regular couples argue, so why is it so different when you are married?

Us non married ladies what to know, what "bads" we should HAVE to put up with for the sake of a marriage? I hope you ladies understand my questions.
Click to expand...

In our case, a "bad" is when I'm pregnant. Things just change for the worst. The first time, we werent's sure we were going to get through it.

This time, it's still hard, but we know it's only temporary. We've already agreed to have dh snipped after this, because we don't want to put our marriage through this again.
 
lauren450 said:
In our case, a "bad" is when I'm pregnant. Things just change for the worst. The first time, we werent's sure we were going to get through it.

This time, it's still hard, but we know it's only temporary. We've already agreed to have dh snipped after this, because we don't want to put our marriage through this again.
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You know what, I have heard a LOT of people say this. Sad to say I don't know not one couple in my circle that has survived pregnancy. Well, one, but they got married.:p

I can honestly say that the only marriages in my family that I can look up to is my grandparents and my two aunts. But they live out of state. I am admiting this because, I feel like I don't know how to "be" a wife. A good ass girlfriend, yes, but not a wife. I have never seen any positive up close relationships (besides my grandparents, but they sleep in seperate room, so you know how that goes). And the one couple that is married, has cheating issues:ohwell:.
 
mkh_77 said:
What is it about being pregnant that causes a "bad" time in a marriage?
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For me specifically, my hormones make me a different person. I can't stand my husband's smell, I don't want to be touched (you can imagine what that does for our sex life, not to mention my doctor forbids sex because I have lots of contractions), I'm cranky, moody, etc. I also got sick in the beginning each time.

It's hard on me, but I know it's hard on my dh. He's trying to be supportive and loving, and I'm pushing him away. Also, he has to try to read my mind. He can't just bring home dinner, because I can't eat certain things, and that changes from week to week, sometimes from day to day. I'm really sad sometimes, or really pissed off, and he has to walk on eggshells so that he doesn't set me off.

I may sound concious of all these things right now, but when they're happening, I don't see it. I never realize how bad I'm being until after the fact. He eventually gets frustrated and shuts down, and then both of us are frustrated and upset.

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell.:lol: This doesn't happen to every woman and every couple, but this is the second time it's happened to us, so I know it's not a fluke. The good thing is, we know what we're dealing with, and we don't expect things to be perfect right now. We know things will be normal again soon, and we're coping.

MizaniMami, I'm sorry to here about your friends. It really is hard for a lot of couples, especially if you don't realize what's causing the problems.
 
I bumped this to read dlewis's inlaw drama:eek:

dlewis maybe we have the same MIL:cool: Let's see....

MIl gets mad at any new material purchase we make, she also thnks that anything that is dh's is 'her's, I guess she thinks I"m the maid. Dh is the first person in his family to 'make it' and have a good job, good home, etc, so they look at him like the gravy train.

She would call our house and say "can I speak to_" not hello to me, nada.

Always, always needing money...

She tried to pit dh's babymama against me and 'side' with her anytime a situation came up with dd.

Also, she has a bf, who happens to be the deacon at their church. They started dating WHILE his wife was dying of cancer.

this is a small town her boys and his boys grew up together, played together. but he doesn't marry her, I heard b/c his boys won't allow it, out of loyalty for their mom.

Yet she insists on my boys calling him PAPA, what he calls MY dad. I told her, listen if you want him to be PAPA, MARRY him but don't sleep with him on saturday night, get up and go to church with him on Sunday, that's not what my boys need to see in a grandma. An example of why I say her family values are completey different from mine.

Mostly dh visits her house with the boys. I only come on very special ocassions. we're civil to each other now b/c I let her know I"m the queen of the house, she doesn't run dh, I do:grin:
 
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