**spinoff** Married Folks... Friends of Married Folks...

[Caramela]

Last night in our premarital counseling session the Elder spoke about how our friendships with single people would and should naturally fade away. He basically said that single people can devestate your marriage because your single friends will likely encourage you to do things that you did in your single life, that aren't condusive to the institute of marriage. I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

 

[Summer_Rain]

I'm a "friend of married folks" and I feel that a "good" friend would never do, or ask you to do anything that would jeopardize your marriage.

I'd feel really sucky if I slowly began losing friends just because they got married.

 

[reallynow]

My best friend is still single and although our geographic locations have changed so we don't hang out as much our core friendship is the same. She would never do anything to place any strain on my marriage. She and DH have become friends which was very important to me.

 

[Monilove122]

Last night in our premarital counseling session the Elder spoke about how our friendships with single people would and should naturally fade away. He basically said that single people can devestate your marriage because your single friends will likely encourage you to do things that you did in your single life, that aren't condusive to the institute of marriage. I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

Let me tell you from experience that is BS because it's really not a matter of marital status but one of having true friends that support you. I've been in both situations and am now single and have a ton of married friends (my best friend is married). It's all about respect!!! It also has to do with either married or singles view on marriage. I have married friends who I am not as close with because they have no world outside of their husband and feel that they shouldn't do anything without them so, when THEY would call and say let's go to dinner and show up with hubby I'm like wait a minute. Couldn't be separated. Then there are married friends who although their husband comes first they still have an identity and we can do things together. My girls were/are my girls and I never felt like I had to have my ex tag along everywhere with us. On the same note, I chose friends (single or married) who never encouraged me to cheat, forget your man, or didn't understand when I had to get off the phone with them if he called or not do things with them because I was spending time with my baby.

I just really can't stand when folks make such separation between married and single people as if all single people are out to sabotage, hate on, and destroy married unions. Give me a break!!!! And now that I'm single I get that attitude from people and it drives me crazy.

 

[neenee280]

Most of my friends are married and I find that statement so untrue. To me, all they did is just "get married" and I gained another friend in my circle.

 

[MrsHouston]

I can see this naturally happening b/c if you're putting your marriage first your priorities change. You will start to spend less time w/ your single friends. Also you start to gravitate towards those of like mind, as with any other situation. My married GF seem to relate better to some of the things I go through.

DH and I seem to gravitate more towards other married couple compared to single individuals.

Some singles don't understand the realities of married life and the commitment that goes along w/it. I remember the first year of marriage, I would be on the phone w/ single GF. DH would come home and I'd want to see how his day went and he'd want to chat w/ me after being away all day. GF would be put on the back burner. Some singles can't understand this oneness, the way another married GF would.

I just think it's more of a natural occurrence, rather than on purpose.

However, I'm sure there are some single people, not understanding the dynamics of the oneness and thus creating some form of drama.

 

[MissScarlett]

Last night in our premarital counseling session the Elder spoke about how our friendships with single people would and should naturally fade away. He basically said that single people can devestate your marriage because your single friends will likely encourage you to do things that you did in your single life, that aren't condusive to the institute of marriage. I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

We didn't go to marriage counseling so I'm probably not the right person to answer but I've hung in here for 8 years so I guess that gives me a little insight

I think your Elder gave some good adivce. The single friends thing, I notice GUYS have more of a problem with than women.

I have single friends I have kept since I've been married. I got married, I didn't die I got married at 23 so MOST of my friends were still single. When I wanted to sort of take a break from dh or have some me time, they were always there for me. To me, my GOOD true friends would never get me to do anything or persuade me to do anything that would violate the vows of my marriage. A GOOD TRUE friend will talk some sense into you.

I can't give up my girls DH is my best friend but there is nothing like your homegirls. I don't run to them with all my marriage problems b/c I do not believe in talking about your marriage outside of you and your dh.

Keeping my friends around, single or otherwise around gives me that sense of self that I think some of us lose when we get married. If all I did was associate with my married friends, which would mean in turn their spouses, it would be 'our' friends. And what if dh doesn't like the hubby?

We do have couple friends that are who we mostly associate with, entertain with but with both each have single friends as well. And I have no problem inviting my single friends around our married friends.

I like to have my own identity outside of marriage, I believe in giving yourself over to someone completely but I don't think I should 'lose' myself into another person. I do believe in putting my marriage first before anyone as well.

 

[carcajada]

I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

I was told the same thing you were. It's overly protective, IMO, but has a strong basis and truth to it. It's as if you are still engaging in a "single" life by going out with single people when it's suppose to be you and DH with other like-minded couples.

I think it has to do with the thought proccess and actions of being single. When single, you don't have to consider anyone but yourself in your decisions. When you are married, you are suppose to be "one" and your actions and what you allow into your thought process can slowly have an effect on your husband/marriage.

I don't go out but once a month w/o DH and that's to meet with my childhood friends (all single). I'm pretty careful at what I talk about and where our conversations go during our "ladies night out" dinner so that our meetings are a personal time for me to spend with friends instead of trying to be "one of the girls" again. I've scared them all into remaining single.

 

[DSP]

That would hurt to lose a dear friend because you are at different life-stages. I'm always setting my single friends up on dates, inviting them to dinner parties, meeting for coffee, spa weekends, etc. and my marriage hasn't suffered (18 years and counting). My good friends are like family. Plus, it's not always easy to find couples that click with both you and your spouse.

If you are easily led astray, other married folks can be just as shady, if not more so. We need to take responsibility for our own actions. If you cheat, it's because you wanted to, not because your friend made you do it.

 

[Twisties]

I think I understand the advice, but it is not really true most of the time in my experience.

I am single, two of my best friends are married and we are STILL in touch, go out to brunch, movies etc. I respect their marriages and they respect my singleness. All of our outings are planned and husbands are made aware weeks in advance of any events.

I don't think anyone should ever drop a good friend because they got married.

Shoot, I have seen where hanging with couples because you're married can lead to trouble...(competition, affairs, etc).

So it is not about singleness or being married--it usually plays out badly if the person's morals are low and not able to accept of different situations.

 

[Caramela]

I think it has to do with the thought proccess and actions of being single. When single, you don't have to consider anyone but yourself in your decisions. When you are married, you are suppose to be "one" and your actions and what you allow into your thought process can slowly have an effect on your husband/marriage.

Good point. This is an interesting thread. I am enjoying everyone's responses, married and single alike.

 

[Ayeshia]

We didn't go to marriage counseling so I'm probably not the right person to answer but I've hung in here for 8 years so I guess that gives me a little insight

I think your Elder gave some good adivce. The single friends thing, I notice GUYS have more of a problem with than women.

I have single friends I have kept since I've been married. I got married, I didn't die I got married at 23 so MOST of my friends were still single. When I wanted to sort of take a break from dh or have some me time, they were always there for me. To me, my GOOD true friends would never get me to do anything or persuade me to do anything that would violate the vows of my marriage. A GOOD TRUE friend will talk some sense into you.

I can't give up my girls DH is my best friend but there is nothing like your homegirls. I don't run to them with all my marriage problems b/c I do not believe in talking about your marriage outside of you and your dh.

Keeping my friends around, single or otherwise around gives me that sense of self that I think some of us lose when we get married. If all I did was associate with my married friends, which would mean in turn their spouses, it would be 'our' friends. And what if dh doesn't like the hubby?

We do have couple friends that are who we mostly associate with, entertain with but with both each have single friends as well. And I have no problem inviting my single friends around our married friends.

I like to have my own identity outside of marriage, I believe in giving yourself over to someone completely but I don't think I should 'lose' myself into another person. I do believe in putting my marriage first before anyone as well.

ITA...plus I would really be heated and baffled that my best friend would drop me because she has a ring on her finger now. I understand that I no longer come first but if I were married seeing my hubby as my one and only friend and hanging out with others "just because" they are married couple is wack as hell. I already know that I will have a nontraditional type of marriage I see it now

 

[caltron]

I was told the same thing you were. It's overly protective, IMO, but has a strong basis and truth to it. It's as if you are still engaging in a "single" life by going out with single people when it's suppose to be you and DH with other like-minded couples.

I think it has to do with the thought proccess and actions of being single. When single, you don't have to consider anyone but yourself in your decisions. When you are married, you are suppose to be "one" and your actions and what you allow into your thought process can slowly have an effect on your husband/marriage.

I don't go out but once a month w/o DH and that's to meet with my childhood friends (all single). I'm pretty careful at what I talk about and where our conversations go during our "ladies night out" dinner so that our meetings are a personal time for me to spend with friends instead of trying to be "one of the girls" again. I've scared them all into remaining single.

I agree with this 100%. As a single person, a lot of my activities and conversations are just not compatible with my married friends. I'm not saying you should cut someone off totally, but I would expect that the relationship would start to change pretty dramatically.

 

[MrsHouston]

I agree with this 100%. As a single person, a lot of my activities and conversations are just not compatible with my married friends. I'm not saying you should cut someone off totally, but I would expect that the relationship would start to change pretty dramatically.

Exactly! People shouldn't DROP friends, but understand and expect the situation to be different.

 

[Laginappe]

Let me tell you from experience that is BS because it's really not a matter of marital status but one of having true friends that support you. I've been in both situations and am now single and have a ton of married friends (my best friend is married). It's all about respect!!! It also has to do with either married or singles view on marriage. I have married friends who I am not as close with because they have no world outside of their husband and feel that they shouldn't do anything without them so, when THEY would call and say let's go to dinner and show up with hubby I'm like wait a minute. Couldn't be separated. Then there are married friends who although their husband comes first they still have an identity and we can do things together. My girls were/are my girls and I never felt like I had to have my ex tag along everywhere with us. On the same note, I chose friends (single or married) who never encouraged me to cheat, forget your man, or didn't understand when I had to get off the phone with them if he called or not do things with them because I was spending time with my baby.

I just really can't stand when folks make such separation between married and single people as if all single people are out to sabotage, hate on, and destroy married unions. Give me a break!!!! And now that I'm single I get that attitude from people and it drives me crazy.

What she said!

It all comes down to whether or not your friends (married OR single!) have the same views towards marriage as you and your spouse. A married friend who conducts themselves in a manner contrary to your definition of marriage (or friend) is just as dangerous and those evil single folks people warn you about.

 

[MissScarlett]

That would hurt to lose a dear friend because you are at different life-stages. I'm always setting my single friends up on dates, inviting them to dinner parties, meeting for coffee, spa weekends, etc. and my marriage hasn't suffered (18 years and counting). My good friends are like family. Plus, it's not always easy to find couples that click with both you and your spouse.

If you are easily led astray, other married folks can be just as shady, if not more so. We need to take responsibility for our own actions. If you cheat, it's because you wanted to, not because your friend made you do it.

ITA with your whole post especially the bolded. I'm the exact same with my friendships. Each year we take a weekend trip somewhere, we live our kids and husbands behind. last year it was Vegas! Dh completey supports my friendships.

About the couple friends...this is so true. We have two good couple/married friends that we enjoy socializing with. The others are so-so but neither of would socialize with the wife/husband ALONE which to me is indicative of whether they are a friend or not. Its tough finding good friends.

 

[adf23]

Hmmm, I agree with the other posters that my good friends won't try to persuade me into doing something crazy.

I also agree that I have a life outside of DH. ALL of my good girlfriends (outside of the ones I met through/with DH) are single. Some have boyfriends, but none are married. So, I will admit that at times I feel I am the odd woman out.

In addition, all of these friends I knew before DH entered the picture, so they aren't going anywhere. Out of coincidence, I haven't befriended any single gals since I got married- it's not intentional. Being that all of my good friends are single, I would like to meet other married women, even if DH and the other husband don't become friends. Like MrsHouston said- other married women inherently know that the marriage comes before anything else, regardless of how long you have been friends, so it's not a competition.

 

[andreab]

I agree with this 100%. As a single person, a lot of my activities and conversations are just not compatible with my married friends. I'm not saying you should cut someone off totally, but I would expect that the relationship would start to change pretty dramatically.

Yes a good, good friend will not. Good Good friends are a special and a dime a dozen. That being said friends have caused us problems. Yes single friends have faded away because of drama. It seemed like the single friends couldn't mix with the dynamics of a serious couple. In addition some just point blank hated on us because we did have a good thing going.

Just one example
- my best friend of 11 years told me not to get involved with him. She basically tried to put him down then caused other drama. Funny thing is I never ever put down her b/f with his drug habits and cheating ways.

 

[adf23]

What she said!

It all comes down to whether or not your friends (married OR single!) have the same views towards marriage as you and your spouse. A married friend who conducts themselves in a manner contrary to your definition of marriage (or friend) is just as dangerous and those evil single folks people warn you about.

I agree with this.

 

[Monilove122]

I agree with this 100%. As a single person, a lot of my activities and conversations are just not compatible with my married friends. I'm not saying you should cut someone off totally, but I would expect that the relationship would start to change pretty dramatically.

I think it could also depend on where you are in your singleness. I'm 33 and although now single I'm more settled in my life so I actually relate to friends who are the same - settled. I don't relate to single friends who go to clubs, hang out all times of night, party, etc. so maybe that's why many of my friends are married. And from my own past relationship and my parents being married almost 35 years before my Dad passed my view of marriage is different than other single women. I've actually had to encourage a married friend to spend more time with her husband and refused to hang out with her as much for that reason. I also tend to clash with single women on views of becoming one with your spouse, and just other views most single people don't have.

 

[MissScarlett]

Hmmm, I agree with the other posters that my good friends won't try to persuade me into doing something crazy.

I also agree that I have a life outside of DH. ALL of my good girlfriends (outside of the ones I met through/with DH) are single. Some have boyfriends, but none are married. So, I will admit that at times I feel I am the odd woman out.

In addition, all of these friends I knew before DH entered the picture, so they aren't going anywhere. Out of coincidence, I haven't befriended any single gals since I got married- it's not intentional. Being that all of my good friends are single, I would like to meet other married women, even if DH and the other husband don't become friends. Like MrsHouston said- other married women inherently know that the marriage comes before anything else, regardless of how long you have been friends, so it's not a competition.

Ok now this is true for me as well, I have only befriended married women since i've been married.

 

[adf23]

I agree with MoniLove.

Now that I think about it, I don't think its whether or not the friend is just single- there are other factors- someone that has never been married will have a different perspective than someone divorced, same with a single mom.

 

[Monilove122]

What she said!

It all comes down to whether or not your friends (married OR single!) have the same views towards marriage as you and your spouse. A married friend who conducts themselves in a manner contrary to your definition of marriage (or friend) is just as dangerous and those evil single folks people warn you about.

I had married friends when I was with my ex that I wouldn't hang out with married or single because we had extremely different views of what marriage was all about. They cheated constantly I didn't so I had to break ties with them. It's really about having good sound friendships. When my BF has a beep and it's her husband calling I don't say 'I can't believe she got off the phone with me for him', I expect it. I expect that if she and I have plans because her husband has to work then his job says they can all go home early that she will want to be with him and give me a rain check. I mean any friend who doesn't understand that is not a true friend, bottom line.

 

[Caramela]

I think it could also depend on where you are in your singleness. I'm 33 and although now single I'm more settled in my life so I actually relate to friends who are the same - settled. I don't relate to single friends who go to clubs, hang out all times of night, party, etc. so maybe that's why many of my friends are married. And from my own past relationship and my parents being married almost 35 years before my Dad passed my view of marriage is different than other single women. I've actually had to encourage a married friend to spend more time with her husband and refused to hang out with her as much for that reason. I also tend to clash with single women on views of becoming one with your spouse, and just other views most single people don't have.

Very good point.

 

[MissScarlett]

I had married friends when I was with my ex that I wouldn't hang out with married or single because we had extremely different views of what marriage was all about. They cheated constantly I didn't so I had to break ties with them. It's really about having good sound friendships. When my BF has a beep and it's her husband calling I don't say 'I can't believe she got off the phone with me for him', I expect it. I expect that if she and I have plans because her husband has to work then his job says they can all go home early that she will want to be with him and give me a rain check. I mean any friend who doesn't understand that is not a true friend, bottom line.

You make a good pint. I have some married acquaintances who have very differing ideas of what marriage compared to me, so its hard to relate to them.

 

[Monilove122]

I agree with MoniLove.

Now that I think about it, I don't think its whether or not the friend is just single- there are other factors- someone that has never been married will have a different perspective than someone divorced, same with a single mom.

Agreed! That's why the blanket statement people make is BS. You can't lump all single folks into a category and say they won't understand and with that said, you can't assume every married person thinks the same as well (i.e. open marriages).

 

[Monilove122]

You make a good pint. I have some married acquaintances who have very differing ideas of what marriage compared to me, so its hard to relate to them.

Exactly. Just like with anything your views may be different than someone else so what people should do is gravitate towards those who share their views. It just really irks me when people say "oh, your single? Sorry can't hang out with you cause I's married now" as if you are beneath them or a heathen because you don't have a husband, LOL.

I don't know if this happens to other single women but God forbid I go to say a wedding by myself dressed to the nines. I see that scene from 'Waiting to Exhale' play out in my head where the women grab onto their husbands just because an attractive women walks in the door. As if because we are there alone it means we are on the prowl. I mean I know I'm stretching but that's the mindset I think of when people say "You shouldn't hang out with single poeple if you are married" as if we just stay on the prowl, LOL.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Last night in our premarital counseling session the Elder spoke about how our friendships with single people would and should naturally fade away. He basically said that single people can devestate your marriage because your single friends will likely encourage you to do things that you did in your single life, that aren't condusive to the institute of marriage. I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

Although I understand where the Elder is coming from, I disagree with him. My husband and I counsel married couples/soon to be married couples and we would never encourage this.

However, we do suggest that its very important to understand what the marriage relationship consists of and that there may be times where you both may want to go out with your friends alone sometimes (males with males, females with females) and how important those relationships are. Remember, most of those friends are people you may have known a long time and may still be single people. There is no need to faze them out of your lives...actually, your marriage can be an asset to them for their future marriages.

If your single friends like to hang out and do things that only single people do, then my suggestion would be to just let them know that you cannot go and leave it at that. I really don't feel that you would need to put all of your single friends to rest. That wouldn't be right at all.

Marriage is wonderful, well for me that is, and is honorable. Having friends to be apart of your marriage is a wonderful thing as well and should be encouraged, whether they are single or married.

HTH

 

[DSP]

Agreed! That's why the blanket statement people make is BS. You can't lump all single folks into a category and say they won't understand and with that said, you can't assume every married person thinks the same as well (i.e. open marriages).

Hello!

DH & I found out a that couple we used to hang out with is now into "an alternative lifestyle." We're both so dense we didn't get what they were talking about at first, then we kinda high-tailed it outta there when they wanted to show us their "swing". We were screaming and cracking up on the drive home, but we won't be hiking and having dinner with them anymore. We don't "share" like that.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Hello!

DH & I found out a that couple we used to hang out with is now into "an alternative lifestyle." We're both so dense we didn't get what they were talking about at first, then we kinda high-tailed it outta there when they wanted to show us their "swing". We were screaming and cracking up on the drive home, but we won't be hiking and having dinner with them anymore. We don't "share" like that.

You know that's right.....