Spinoff - Is love necessary?

[Glib Gurl]

Let's say you're approaching middle age. You have no children and want children. You've never been married, but would like to be married.

Joe Schmoe comes along. He is has all of the "credentials" you are looking for in a mate - decent looking, good income, respectful of you and others, shares your faith and values, etc., etc. One problem - there are no sparks. No fizzle. Not even a warm buzz. Just a mutual friendship.

Joe asks you to marry him. Do you do it?

* * *

That's just one scenario . . . but in many societies in the past (and even some still in the present), marriage is an economic/social relationship. People need economic stability and companionship - so they get married. Love? Well, maybe it flowers later. Maybe not at all . . . this is not to say that there's animosity. Just a sense of calmness.

Is this enough to sustain a marriage?

 

[missty1029]

I was just wondering this. My friend is getting married and it surprised me because I never saw a spark. They always seemed just cool. And hes different then other guys shes been with. I know he is good for her and thats what you have to consider. I know she loves him because she wouldnt marry him, but is it that love love? I remember she told me once her grandmother told her to marry a man that loves you more then you love him. Makes you think.

 

[lipyt]

I guess I'm a hopeless romantic by thinking it's essential. But my mom who was in a loveless marriage for 30 years always says "you marry the first time for love and the second time for money.." So I guess that means love doesn't keep the wheels turning but money does..?

 

[JFemme]

Let's say you're approaching middle age. You have no children and want children. You've never been married, but would like to be married.

Joe Schmoe comes along. He is has all of the "credentials" you are looking for in a mate - decent looking, good income, respectful of you and others, shares your faith and values, etc., etc. One problem - there are no sparks. No fizzle. Not even a warm buzz. Just a mutual friendship.

Joe asks you to marry him. Do you do it?

* * *

That's just one scenario . . . but in many societies in the past (and even some still in the present), marriage is an economic/social relationship. People need economic stability and companionship - so they get married. Love? Well, maybe it flowers later. Maybe not at all . . . this is not to say that there's animosity. Just a sense of calmness.

Is this enough to sustain a marriage?

sure, if thats all you require....


I'd need hot, mad monkey sex .... and often

stuff, credentials are nice to have but can not make up for lack of heat, in any relationship...imho

*carry on*

 

[KEWLKAT103]

I always thought that I would do this if I became of a certain age and had not found "Mr. Right" yet. I don't see anything wrong with it and it seems as if it could work out if you have a great friendship as a foundation.
It sounds kind of sad, but not everyone is going to find "Mr. or Ms. Right".

 

[SEMO]

I was just wondering this. My friend is getting married and it surprised me because I never saw a spark. They always seemed just cool. And hes different then other guys shes been with. I know he is good for her and thats what you have to consider. I know she loves him because she wouldnt marry him, but is it that love love? I remember she told me once her grandmother told her to marry a man that loves you more then you love him. Makes you think.

There was a long thread about this in the Off topic forum (I think). There should be mutual love, but many women have said some of the best marriages are the ones where the man is the most in love.

Love is more about a commitment to a person than emotions. So I do believe you need to be willing to love the one you marry.

ETA:
Here's a link to the thread I referenced
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=133451&highlight=love

 

[frostydoll]

I was just wondering this. My friend is getting married and it surprised me because I never saw a spark. They always seemed just cool. And hes different then other guys shes been with. I know he is good for her and thats what you have to consider. I know she loves him because she wouldnt marry him, but is it that love love? I remember she told me once her grandmother told her to marry a man that loves you more then you love him. Makes you think.

My uncle told me this as well.

 

[poetist]

I was just wondering this. My friend is getting married and it surprised me because I never saw a spark. They always seemed just cool. And hes different then other guys shes been with. I know he is good for her and thats what you have to consider. I know she loves him because she wouldnt marry him, but is it that love love? I remember she told me once her grandmother told her to marry a man that loves you more then you love him. Makes you think.

This was me a few years ago. I even posted a thread asking if love was enough. I met a guy who was super duper nice, treated me great, well educated, had major paper, and wanted to marry me. When I met him, I wasn't really attracted to him physically, nor did he have the outgoing personality that Im attracted to. BUT, I decided to give him a chance. We were together for 4 years and I really thought we would get married. I mean, on paper he was tight, but in my heart, I felt like something was lacking. There were never any highs and lows, no butterflies, nothing. I was willing to accept it until I would hang out with friends who were madly in love. They would talk about there guy for an hour and then ask me about mine. I was like erplexed "Errr, ummmm, he's cool"

Now for some, it wouldnt be a problem, but Im a hopeless romantic. I love feeling butterflies and the whole notion of falling in love. I'd been there before and to think that I'd marry a man who I had lackluster feelings toward didnt sit right with me.

Not to mention, when I'm not feeling any "spark" or passion, my head seems to turn a bit quicker when I see an attractive guy. I found myself, for the first time, entertaining advances from other men, because I guess I was looking for someone to fill that void for my desire to be madly in love. Needless to say, we ended it. A few months later, I met and married, the one.

 

[sky_blu]

I think love is necessary at any age to make a successful relationship. Because you have to put up with the good and the bad when you love someone, everyday isnt going to be peachy keen.

 

[JewelleNY]

For me, I need love, I'd rather stay single without it. But everyone has different needs and wants so you have to determine what you want for yourself.

 

[Mystic]

As long as there is mutual respect and he treats you well, love can grow. I have seen this scenario before and the relationship worked out very well in the end.

Let's say you're approaching middle age. You have no children and want children. You've never been married, but would like to be married.

Joe Schmoe comes along. He is has all of the "credentials" you are looking for in a mate - decent looking, good income, respectful of you and others, shares your faith and values, etc., etc. One problem - there are no sparks. No fizzle. Not even a warm buzz. Just a mutual friendship.

Joe asks you to marry him. Do you do it?

* * *

That's just one scenario . . . but in many societies in the past (and even some still in the present), marriage is an economic/social relationship. People need economic stability and companionship - so they get married. Love? Well, maybe it flowers later. Maybe not at all . . . this is not to say that there's animosity. Just a sense of calmness.

Is this enough to sustain a marriage?

 

[mychai]

I think you get married in that scenario. I also think that over time you will grow to love your husband, and your marriage will probably last because the two of you went into it with your eyes open and you will both each always value the other because in a way each of you 'saved' the other from loneliness.

ETA after reading other posts: I do agree that there should be sexual chemistry between the two of you, but I don't think full infatuation is necessary. But it's possible that this is a personality thing. If you are the type that gets bored over time, then this type of relationship may not work for you. If you are the time that gets more attached over time, then it might work out very well.

 

[tthreat08]

The effort and all of what you must give of yourself in order to make a marriage work.....I don't think it would be possible to do all that for someone I did not love.

 

[JustKiya]

I think it's easier to go into a marriage without love, and let the love develop, than it is to go into a marriage with love, and to maintain the relationship once it fades.

And, it depends on the person. Some people are okay with a mutual friendship kind of marriage. Other people want a marriage with lots of passion.

You've gotta know yourself, and your partner has to know himself, and if y'all are on the same page - why not?

 

[Ramya]

The 'feeling' love comes and go. You can love someone without 'feeling' tingles. A lot of people make mistakes by going after tingles instead of love built on a solid foundation. That tingle is nothing more than infatuation. Infatuation is fleeting while love is sustained.

 

[daydreem2876]

yes... love will be necessary for me to be in a relationship and/or be married.

But its the definition of love that is more of the question. If love is respecting one another enough to agree to disagree, trust one another with the well being of our hearts, walk and work together through come what may, and acknowledge God as head of our home then i feel yes i love you enough to get married.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Listen to the vows.

They say "do you promise to love" before anything else.

Sounds pretty straightforward to me. But whatever. For ME, love was necessary. For others, maybe not, but it all sounds like settling to me. *shrugs*

 

[tiara76]

The 'feeling' love comes and go. You can love someone without 'feeling' tingles. A lot of people make mistakes by going after tingles instead of love built on a solid foundation. That tingle is nothing more than infatuation. Infatuation is fleeting while love is sustained.

emotions come and go, infatuation is more like an addiction to the person vs really loving the person and can fade anytime some sort of delusion is shattered or can turn into obsession......you can love people in all sorts of ways....plenty of people who settle into comfortable relationships aren't in loveless relationships persay just not in romantic/sexual love and we all know what the difference is.....if sex and romance and that type of relationship isn't important to someone being in a companion type friendly relationship/marriage works well as long as both people are on the same page with it

sparks and chemistry can fade out of a relationship, not necessarily love and people do grow apart and find those sorts of attractions with others however its very possible to be able to have those sparks and chemistry for a lifetime while in love as long as the people are growing together and in the same direction for their own personal growth as well as the growth of the union..

no matter how much love there is a union won't last with two individuals not on the same page not going in the same direction in life individually, love will let each other go for the higher good of both people....fear will cause clinging and selfishness

if sparks and chemistry is cultivated into something more and the love grows, the intimacy grows and the sex brings people closer together as one vs just a physical act to release or please another or something that turns into a "chore"....then its easy to maintain that chemistry and that spark just turns into an everlasting flame..

most folks who start off all sparked and really into somebody get into intense relationships that bring up alot of insecurities and other issues that lead them to start bringing a whole lot of fear into the relationship and causes them to start shutting down vs opening up and off the wall subconscious fear based behaviors start to take over the relationship causing more "pain" than "love" in the perception of the people involved.....

 

[Duchesse]

Maybe I'm getting jaded, but in that situation..I would strongly consider marrying him. All that extreme passion has only led to dissapointment in my experience. I'm leaning heavily towards marrying the "stable man who is my friend, attractive enough, and financially supportive and shares my faith and life goals". As long as I can love him as a person and appreciate/respect who he is, I don't need all that super romantic heart palpitating falling head over heels feeling.

 

[michelle81]

My relationship must be odd. I've been feeling the sparks, tingles and passion for seven years now, along with a love that has grown deeper with time.

Now it hasn't been a neverending flame each and every day, but certainly more days than not.

I shudder at the thought of being married to someone longterm without some sort of chemistry.

A lady I worked with, late 40's, married more than 20 years, said she felt the same way. She said her eyes still sparkled at the site of her DH and being around him still gave her butterflies. So yeah, I say it's possible.

 

[tiara76]

My relationship must be odd. I've been feeling the sparks, tingles and passion for seven years now, along with a love that has grown deeper with time.

Now it hasn't been a neverending flame each and every day, but certainly more days than not.

I shutter at the thought of being married to someone longterm without some sort of chemistry.

A lady I worked with, late 40's, married more than 20 years, said she felt the same way. She said her eyes still sparkled at the site of her DH and being around him still gave her butterflies. So yeah, I say it's possible.

a beautiful thing to witness

 

[jada1111]

Let's say you're approaching middle age. You have no children and want children. You've never been married, but would like to be married.

Joe Schmoe comes along. He is has all of the "credentials" you are looking for in a mate - decent looking, good income, respectful of you and others, shares your faith and values, etc., etc. One problem - there are no sparks. No fizzle. Not even a warm buzz. Just a mutual friendship.

Joe asks you to marry him. Do you do it?

* * *

That's just one scenario . . . but in many societies in the past (and even some still in the present), marriage is an economic/social relationship. People need economic stability and companionship - so they get married. Love? Well, maybe it flowers later. Maybe not at all . . . this is not to say that there's animosity. Just a sense of calmness.

Is this enough to sustain a marriage?

No.

Marriage without PASSION in the beginning is destined to fail.

 

[FlowerHair]

For me, love is a requirement

A relationship is difficult enough even with mutual love...

The heart wants what it wants.

 

[caltron]

If there's no love, it's better just to stay single. There's nothing worse than being locked in a loveless relationship.

 

[Lindy]

My relationship must be odd. I've been feeling the sparks, tingles and passion for seven years now, along with a love that has grown deeper with time.

Now it hasn't been a neverending flame each and every day, but certainly more days than not.

Now this is the ideal situation... especially when the other party has the same feelings. Not many people are lucky enough to find this type of union, so if you have it, cherish it!!

 

[phynestone]

I think it really depends. I've seen a lot of older women who have been through the ringer with relationships, settle for a guy like this. It was better than what they had before.

I've dated a guy like this and I tried to make it work and let love grow, but it didn't. I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't fair to him or me.

You can find a guy like this and have passion for him.

 

[Transformer]

I think you get married in that scenario. I also think that over time you will grow to love your husband, and your marriage will probably last because the two of you went into it with your eyes open and you will both each always value the other because in a way each of you 'saved' the other from loneliness.

ETA after reading other posts: I do agree that there should be sexual chemistry between the two of you, but I don't think full infatuation is necessary. But it's possible that this is a personality thing. If you are the type that gets bored over time, then this type of relationship may not work for you. If you are the time that gets more attached over time, then it might work out very well.

DITTO! You got have respect and common values!

 

[Transformer]

I don't think LOVE is the same for everyone. I never had the fantasy or television version of love.

 

[snillohsss]

If you want to STAY married it is necessary.

 

[Thiends]

Is this enough to sustain a marriage?

I don't know, but I do know that the marriage would always be susceptible to the risk that one of them might one day meet someone they actually do feel a romantic connection with and fall in love with. What happens to the marriage then? It's dangerous to have such huge needs go unmet in a marriage.

I couldn't enter this kind of marriage because I don't believe in divorce, yet I know I'd want to throw the deuces if I found the right one for me later on. Best not to even set myself up for such a difficult dilemma.