Spinoff from Usher- When men are ready, they're ready?

[ClassicBeauty]

While reading the thread about Usher having a baby on the way I noticed the comment from MzLady78 and others saying that "a man will settled down with whoever happens to be in his life when he decides he's ready."

I've always heard this, but never really believed it until now. I happen to have an old college guy who's been talking so serious to me. Now that I'm happy in another relationship, he wants us to be together, me to move to where he lives, and us to get married, etc. I'm like ! He talks about our future children and our wonderful life that I am messing up by not following along. I wanted to hear all these things years ago, but he never even wanted to really commit in a relationship. He was my Mr. Big from SATC. The girls that he has been involved with have generally been the bimbo types, and I've always been the substance in his life.

Anyway, my girls seem to think that he's ready and when men get ready, they're ready. I'm not really feeling him now because we've been friends for almost 10 years and I know too much about him to really trust him, but I have to tell you ladies that I've never heard him talk like this. I've never known of him talking like this to anyone. It's like he just woke up this spring and wanted to settle down.

Anyway, have you ladies experienced this. Is it true that generally women fall in love and want to get married, but men get ready to get married and then find the girl or just take whoever is in their lives at the time?

 

[foxxymami]

A favorite quote of mine is:

"A woman meets a man, then decides she wants to marry him.......A man decides he wants to get married, then goes to find a woman"


So, I think it's true to an extent.

 

[DKO]

I believe men get to a point where they are ready to settle down. If there is someone in their life that is of substance and deep that they like at that point, they very well may want to be with that person. If not, then they will probably search for the right women for them to settle down with. I also think that a man needs to find the one they feel is the "right" women for them too.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

Thats what happened my my Mr. Big (don't y'all make me pull out the photo). He tried me soooo many times that I got over it and couldn't find him sexually attractive anymore. It got to the point with the games where I really did feel that he was my older brother. I wanted to play with him like a brother, pick on him like a brother and hang with him like he was my brother. In fact, it made me a little upset that he was pushing so hard when I thought I had made it clear we were going to only be friends. i honestly felt violated; like somehow, he got me to let my down my guard and trust him, then he flipped the script on me. But, he has his mind wrapped around the idea that he was ready to be a grown man now. I think he is probably shacked up with some girl somewhere. I often wonder if he thinks of me... probably not. I was probably only the girl who gave him the chase.

 

[kally]

This is what I call the slot machine theory.

One woman will warm up the slot machine only to have another hit the jack pot.

 

[MissScarlett]

While reading the thread about Usher having a baby on the way I noticed the comment from MzLady78 and others saying that "a man will settled down with whoever happens to be in his life when he decides he's ready."

I've always heard this, but never really believed it until now. I happen to have an old college guy who's been talking so serious to me. Now that I'm happy in another relationship, he wants us to be together, me to move to where he lives, and us to get married, etc. I'm like ! He talks about our future children and our wonderful life that I am messing up by not following along. I wanted to hear all these things years ago, but he never even wanted to really commit in a relationship. He was my Mr. Big from SATC. The girls that he has been involved with have generally been the bimbo types, and I've always been the substance in his life.

Anyway, my girls seem to think that he's ready and when men get ready, they're ready. I'm not really feeling him now because we've been friends for almost 10 years and I know too much about him to really trust him, but I have to tell you ladies that I've never heard him talk like this. I've never known of him talking like this to anyone. It's like he just woke up this spring and wanted to settle down.

Anyway, have you ladies experienced this. Is it true that generally women fall in love and want to get married, but men get ready to get married and then find the girl or just take whoever is in their lives at the time?

I used to think that BUT what about the men that date women for 7-10 years (Not your situation with a college flame) but men who seriously live with and date women for YEARS?? Obviously those men aren't jumping to committ to those women while they're together but will marry the first person they meet three months later.

I think men marry the women who make them "come with it" who set a standard, that don't accept their crumbs and to be honest are "into you". When you accept less, they give less.

When I met dh, he'd been known to be a bigtime playboy He met me and begged me to marry him in like three weeks. Needless to say I thought he CRAZY and DERANGED. After we'd dated a while, I asked, "so why was I different, what made me the ONE?" He said cause I knew you were the kind of girl not to play games with and the one I needed to step my game up for.

Now Tameka Foster might not be the best looking chick out there but I do believe she makes Usher come correct with her and she lets him know she's not up for his games. Also, I'm sure, she being older, she lets him know what she expects out of a relationship maturity wise.

 

[seraphinelle]

This is what I call the slot machine theory.

One woman will warm up the slot machine only to have another hit the jack pot.

Oh, that is TOO good!

I like that.

 

[winterinatl]

Yes, I think this happens all the time.

I think a few things happen:
They actually do grow up!

Their friends are all married with children, except one or two (including him) He feels alone and left out b/c he can't play with his friends anymore, and doesn't have a woman to fall back on.

He has started to realize he had good girls in the past who would have made excellent wives, and he did them dirty.

Now he is on a wife hunt, lol.

 

[SkinnyMocah]

I think a lot of men are ready but are with women they wouldn't marry. That's how one guy can say 'yeah I don't think I'm ready to get married', break up with you, and then a month later meet someone else and be engaged in six months. I honestly think they're ready WAY before they think they are, and WANT to be married. Just not to who they're with.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I TOTALLY think thats true... It sucks bigtime, but its true...

A favorite quote of mine is:

"A woman meets a man, then decides she wants to marry him.......A man decides he wants to get married, then goes to find a woman"


So, I think it's true to an extent.

 

[MissScarlett]

I think a lot of men are ready but are with women they wouldn't marry. That's how one guy can say 'yeah I don't think I'm ready to get married', break up with you, and then a month later meet someone else and be engaged in six months. I honestly think they're ready WAY before they think they are, and WANT to be married. Just not to who they're with.

Right this is so true.

 

[dlewis]

A favorite quote of mine is:

"A woman meets a man, then decides she wants to marry him.......A man decides he wants to get married, then goes to find a woman"


So, I think it's true to an extent.

ok

I think it is that way in alot of cases. It was very different for me.

 

[dlewis]

I used to think that BUT what about the men that date women for 7-10 years (Not your situation with a college flame) but men who seriously live with and date women for YEARS?? Obviously those men aren't jumping to committ to those women while they're together but will marry the first person they meet three months later.

I think men marry the women who make them "come with it" who set a standard, that don't accept their crumbs and to be honest are "into you". When you accept less, they give less.

When I met dh, he'd been known to be a bigtime playboy He met me and begged me to marry him in like three weeks. Needless to say I thought he CRAZY and DERANGED. After we'd dated a while, I asked, "so why was I different, what made me the ONE?" He said cause I knew you were the kind of girl not to play games with and the one I needed to step my game up for.

Now Tameka Foster might not be the best looking chick out there but I do believe she makes Usher come correct with her and she lets him know she's not up for his games. Also, I'm sure, she being older, she lets him know what she expects out of a relationship maturity wise.

I agree with this.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

Yes, I think this happens all the time.

I think a few things happen:
They actually do grow up!

Their friends are all married with children, except one or two (including him) He feels alone and left out b/c he can't play with his friends anymore, and doesn't have a woman to fall back on.

He has started to realize he had good girls in the past who would have made excellent wives, and he did them dirty.

Now he is on a wife hunt, lol.

That's almost exactly what happened with my guy. All of his friends are getting married and having children. He's 31 now, and he is all of a sudden ready. I'm that good girl that he did dirty for the bimbos that he can't take to his mother. Now he's ready for the good girl. In my guy's case, I'm pretty sure it's too late, but it's sad that they miss the good ones sometime. I ADORED this guy! His loss.

 

[MissScarlett]

While reading the thread about Usher having a baby on the way I noticed the comment from MzLady78 and others saying that "a man will settled down with whoever happens to be in his life when he decides he's ready."

I've always heard this, but never really believed it until now. I happen to have an old college guy who's been talking so serious to me. Now that I'm happy in another relationship, he wants us to be together, me to move to where he lives, and us to get married, etc. I'm like ! He talks about our future children and our wonderful life that I am messing up by not following along. I wanted to hear all these things years ago, but he never even wanted to really commit in a relationship. He was my Mr. Big from SATC. The girls that he has been involved with have generally been the bimbo types, and I've always been the substance in his life.

Anyway, my girls seem to think that he's ready and when men get ready, they're ready. I'm not really feeling him now because we've been friends for almost 10 years and I know too much about him to really trust him, but I have to tell you ladies that I've never heard him talk like this. I've never known of him talking like this to anyone. It's like he just woke up this spring and wanted to settle down.

Anyway, have you ladies experienced this. Is it true that generally women fall in love and want to get married, but men get ready to get married and then find the girl or just take whoever is in their lives at the time?

one more comment....about your situation with your Mr. Big. I dated a guy like that in college. He was MY everything but unfortunately I wasn't HIS.

I took alot of things from him I shouldn't have including let him string me along in an uncommitted relationship. He wanted to be 'friends' which turned out to be code for- "I want to date/ sex you but you don't date/sex other people but I am"

Which is why I fully believe that when you let a man know you don't accept certain things they will treat you accordingly. Anyhoo, I eventually wised up and never again fell for the okey doke and turned my dating life around.

Trust me, he's not worth it. He's one of these guys sitting around thnking about the good girls that got away. Those guys always come back and the above mentioned one did as well, with a whole new perspective on what "could have been"

Oh and of course your hair is always so pretty. You're a fellow heat loving girl

 

[Ms Red]

It happens alllll the time. I agree with MsScarlett, they realize the good girls they had, wake up and they're in their 30s and want to settle down ASAP.

My former Mr. Big called me at work yesterday with the saaaame spiel. He goes 'I'm dating this girl. And she really is a GIRL not a woman. It's a constant reminder that no one can be you. There is only one Ms. Cupcake' Come on, give me a freaking break, I've heard it all before.

My SO knew from jump what kind of quality human being he was getting involved with so he reciprocates my love, thoughtfulness and everything in between.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

one more comment....about your situation with your Mr. Big. I dated a guy like that in college. He was MY everything but unfortunately I wasn't HIS.

I took alot of things from him I shouldn't have including let him string me along in an uncommitted relationship. He wanted to be 'friends' which turned out to be code for- "I want to date/ sex you but you don't date/sex other people but I am"

Which is why I fully believe that when you let a man know you don't accept certain things they will treat you accordingly. Anyhoo, I eventually wised up and never again fell for the okey doke and turned my dating life around.

Trust me, he's not worth it. He's one of these guys sitting around thnking about the good girls that got away. Those guys always come back and the above mentioned one did as well, with a whole new perspective on what "could have been"

Oh and of course your hair is always so pretty. You're a fellow heat loving girl

Awwhhh Thanks!
I'm not giving him a chance this time. He had almost 10 years to make things work with us. Now I've found someone who makes me his everything, and really it's not worth losing what I have. I know that I have the sweetest guy that I've ever known, and I'm keeping him.

The old college guy has been painting the picture that I wanted to see years ago, but now it just doesn't seem to be enough. Honestly, nothing he can do would be enough. I'm just not in that place anymore, but it has been sweet to hear him grovel! I feel somewhat vindicated. It's like now that he's finally where I wanted him to be, I don't seem to want him like I thought I would, but it's still good to feel him want me.

 

[MissScarlett]

Awwhhh Thanks!
I'm not giving him a chance this time. He had almost 10 years to make things work with us. Now I've found someone who makes me his everything, and really it's not worth losing what I have. I know that I have the sweetest guy that I've ever known, and I'm keeping him.

The old college guy has been painting the picture that I wanted to see years ago, but now it just doesn't seem to be enough. Honestly, nothing he can do would be enough. I'm just not in that place anymore, but it has been sweet to hear him grovel! I feel somewhat vindicated. It's like now that he's finally where I wanted him to be, I don't seem to want him like I thought I would, but it's still good to feel him want me.

I know..its the best feeling when the come back and beg and mourn for what the HAD

 

[FunkyMunky]

Happens all the time!!!

I have heard more than a handful of men plus my brother and some of my close male friends say that they were ready to settle down and that the girl they ended up marrying happened to be a good, compatible woman who was in the right place at the right time.

They have all said that they had dated plenty of good women and that anyone of them could have been wifey but they just weren't ready so their wife wasn't necessarily better than the other girls.

 

[FunkyMunky]

Awwhhh Thanks!
I'm not giving him a chance this time. He had almost 10 years to make things work with us. Now I've found someone who makes me his everything, and really it's not worth losing what I have. I know that I have the sweetest guy that I've ever known, and I'm keeping him.

The old college guy has been painting the picture that I wanted to see years ago, but now it just doesn't seem to be enough. Honestly, nothing he can do would be enough. I'm just not in that place anymore, but it has been sweet to hear him grovel! I feel somewhat vindicated. It's like now that he's finally where I wanted him to be, I don't seem to want him like I thought I would, but it's still good to feel him want me.

The only issue I have with this type of situation is that sometimes you are holding a person accountable for things they did as a child. He is a grown man now! I dated someone when I was 19, we were serious and things ended up not working out. He tried for 10 years to get back with me but I was always hesitant because of the past. In late 2005, he was killed and after his passing I read some old letters he wrote me when we were 19 and up until his death he was still trying to make everything he said a reality.

I feel sad from time to time because now as a grown woman reading his letters, analyzing what happened, and thinking about his attempts through the years I know that he truly loved me but we were kids becoming adults. People make mistakes and grow up. I know that at the time of his death he was a mature man and he would've been a great husband but it's possible that I was still too immature myself to see pass the past in order to move forward with him.

 

[kally]

So how does a gal keep her self from the being the heart broken victim before she sees her boo happily getting married to another?

 

[foxxymami]

How unfortunate...I'm sorry to hear that Auntsmoky. He sounds like he was a good guy.

The only issue I have with this type of situation is that sometimes you are holding a person accountable for things they did as a child. He is a grown man now! I dated someone when I was 19, we were serious and things ended up not working out. He tried for 10 years to get back with me but I was always hesitant because of the past. In late 2005, he was killed and after his passing I read some old letters he wrote me when we were 19 and up until his death he was still trying to make everything he said a reality.

I feel sad from time to time because now as a grown woman reading his letters, analyzing what happened, and thinking about his attempts through the years I know that he truly loved me but we were kids becoming adults. People make mistakes and grow up. I know that at the time of his death he was a mature man and he would've been a great husband but it's possible that I was still too immature myself to see pass the past in order to move forward with him.

 

[FunkyMunky]

How unfortunate...I'm sorry to hear that Auntsmoky. He sounds like he was a good guy.

Thanks.

Sometimes the twist on "He realized he let a good one get away and thats why he is coming back" statement is so negative. Of course you were a good one and he has always known that so from time to time he may have felt he was ready to be a man so he came back and tried again. The man's feelings could have always been geniune. If you don't feel it you don't feel it but to hold someone accountable for something they did 5-10 years ago is a bit much. You always determine how you will be treated, not him. If the guy had overrall good qualities, you could be letting a good brother that is now a man get away because you haven't grown up to realize it.

 

[scorpian]

I think a lot of men are ready but are with women they wouldn't marry. That's how one guy can say 'yeah I don't think I'm ready to get married', break up with you, and then a month later meet someone else and be engaged in six months. I honestly think they're ready WAY before they think they are, and WANT to be married. Just not to who they're with.

ITA...I know plenty of ladies who have gotten divorced because their husbands claimed they no longer wanted to be married or were tired of the family thing with a wife and kids...All of their husbands have since remarried and or have had kids with other women right after the break up

I also know men who've been in long term live in relationships where they never marry the long term girlfriend but as soon as they break up they meet then marry someone else

 

[ClassicBeauty]

The only issue I have with this type of situation is that sometimes you are holding a person accountable for things they did as a child. He is a grown man now! I dated someone when I was 19, we were serious and things ended up not working out. He tried for 10 years to get back with me but I was always hesitant because of the past. In late 2005, he was killed and after his passing I read some old letters he wrote me when we were 19 and up until his death he was still trying to make everything he said a reality.

I feel sad from time to time because now as a grown woman reading his letters, analyzing what happened, and thinking about his attempts through the years I know that he truly loved me but we were kids becoming adults. People make mistakes and grow up. I know that at the time of his death he was a mature man and he would've been a great husband but it's possible that I was still too immature myself to see pass the past in order to move forward with him.

OK wait...do you know my Mr. Big? Did he tell you to say that? Cause you sound just like him! Just kidding, but you do sound like him.
Also, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

I know that a big part of the problem is that I can't let go of his past, but it's not just him 9 years ago. He's been the same up until now. It's not just that I knew him in college and now he looked me up. I've seen him off an on, in between relationships, etc all along. After he turned 30 he slowed down some, but after he turned 31 he seemed to be a lot different. Also, all of his friends are older than him. I told him that he'll probably do better with someone who doesn't know his past. I think I know too much about him to really trust him. We have other issues too, but that's the thing that I don't really see us ever working through. I am insecure when it comes to him, but I think he made me that way. I let him make me that way when I was young and inexperienced.

The strange part is that i think if it's not me, it will probably be someone else very soon. I'll probably be sad when he gets married, but I know that if it was me, I would have to hire a PI to follow him for the first part of the relationship and that's not healthy! This guy was a real handful!

 

[SweetCaramel1]

That's almost exactly what happened with my guy. All of his friends are getting married and having children. He's 31 now, and he is all of a sudden ready. I'm that good girl that he did dirty for the bimbos that he can't take to his mother. Now he's ready for the good girl. In my guy's case, I'm pretty sure it's too late, but it's sad that they miss the good ones sometime. I ADORED this guy! His loss.

this happened to me twice. they go out and do their dirt and now come to realize a good woman is hard to find and come back to you and they want you to save them from the dating scene. ​

 

[SweetCaramel1]

I think a lot of men are ready but are with women they wouldn't marry. That's how one guy can say 'yeah I don't think I'm ready to get married', break up with you, and then a month later meet someone else and be engaged in six months. I honestly think they're ready WAY before they think they are, and WANT to be married. Just not to who they're with.

i agree with this but i also believe many men will run game while the can and the thought of marriage is the farthest thing in their mind. when they mature and get tired of running the streets they come back to the one they love and try to make it work. most of the time its too little too late. once they see you've moved on it scares them and the thought of losing you makes them want to commit................... idk. i've never seen a man marry a woman he's met within 6 months....................

 

[rdm]

ITA...I know plenty of ladies who have gotten divorced because their husbands claimed they no longer wanted to be married or were tired of the family thing with a wife and kids...All of their husbands have since remarried and or have had kids with other women right after the break up

I also know men who've been in long term live in relationships where they never marry the long term girlfriend but as soon as they break up they meet then marry someone else

I recently let go of someone that would not commit...after 12 years. How stupid am I? I am mad at me for wasting my child bearing years on him.

I am sure that he is close to getting married to someone else. I am not jealous or hurt because I know what she is getting....a minute man with bad credit.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

Yes, I think this happens all the time.

I think a few things happen:
They actually do grow up!

Their friends are all married with children, except one or two (including him) He feels alone and left out b/c he can't play with his friends anymore, and doesn't have a woman to fall back on.

He has started to realize he had good girls in the past who would have made excellent wives, and he did them dirty.

Now he is on a wife hunt, lol.

right and the first stop is the ex's house

 

[ClassicBeauty]

I recently let go of someone that would not commit...after 12 years. How stupid am I? I am mad at me for wasting my child bearing years on him.

I am sure that he is close to getting married to someone else. I am not jealous or hurt because I know what she is getting....a minute man with bad credit.

That's so funny. My guy didn't have either of those problems. Actually, he was a superstar in both departments. Such a waste!