Spinny: Single Women, Married Friends

[DarkJoy]

This is only about woman-woman friendships.

I'm sure this is basic to some of you but to me it's relatively new, so please indulge and divulge your experienes.

Do you single ladies find:

• it's harder to keep married friends?
• their husbands can be a nuisance, creepy, highly insecure or along those lines (or maybe not!)?
• they tend to be more/less flaky than your single friends?
• the friends themselves get weird (eg, jealous, distant, passive-aggressive)?

Any other deets and experiences you want to share?

Married ladies, please feel free to share your experiences as a single woman with married friends too. Or perhaps you have an 'interesting' single friend yourself right now...

I'll reserve my experience for a minute. Very curious about yours.

Note: This probably doesnt apply to long-term friendships where one gets married. Only new friendships where you were single and she was married when you met. But maybe not... people change...

 

[thatscuteright]

My very good friend got married, and although we hang out less, nothing has really changed. Her husband and I are cool, and her and I make time to hang out whenever we can. We met in college, so we had something already established before the husband came in the picture.
I am respectful of her relationship, and she does her best to make time for us.
I think the "new" friendship that evolves after one gets married, has alot to do with how the married friend behaves and talks about you to her husband. This will dictate the nature of the friendship moving forward.

 

[barbiesocialite]

not really.

Most, almost all, of my friends are married.

I have the complete opposite experience of the OP. Suprisingly (to me considering my opinions on married folks lol), I attract and befriend more married women friends than single. Whats even stranger is that these are also the women I've found to be the most reliable, supportive, and empathetic---with consistency. Being stuck with a man 24/7 makes them very understanding.

I know this sounds weird, but tbh, I trust married women more than single women. I've always been attracted to stability and commitment when choosing friends. Single women tend to have more fluidity in their lives, that's alway been something that makes me nervous. I HATE surprises. You never know when things will change when you are single (career, relationship, residence, etc). Married folks, on the other hand are likely to be or have lives that are dull. basic and boring. I like that. It makes them more likely to be consistent and reliable. When thinking about my friends, I their lives are so monotonous and routine---I always know when/where/how to reach them when I need them and they are almost always available at that time.

I also find single women high mainteance. they can be needy and time consuming. wanna hang out, talk all the time and demand more attention than I prefer to give. I'm too introverted and self-absorbed for that mess!

The only downside is that the marrieds often project their marital bliss onto me. Always tryna push men & relationships on me in attempt to convince me getting married is a good idea. ummm, yea. ill marry when im good and ready---if ever. lol

eta: about the husbands, most like me. except for my BFF's DH but he doesnt count lol

 

[DarkJoy]

Thank you thatscuteright. I think you're correct when you say its how the wife sells the friend to the husband. Perhaps I keep meeting weird ones. IDK. THe last married friend was a disaster and due to that she's been bumped to acquaintence. Her husband kept flirting. Another one insisted I was making his wife 'wild'. and I've never been wild! But wild to them was college educated (they werent), working and independent (she was SAH), the other was outright disrespectful to his wife AND me.

Flip side, when I was married, I had a single friend who insisted that because I worked a lot, she should hang out with my husband alone, as it was almost as good as hanging out with me since I couldnt be there all the time. I dropped her with a quickness.

 

[DarkJoy]

see @barbiesocialite I AM the boring and monotonous single friend you're missing! Was married 20 years and have a yungin so my mindset is still family and stability oriented! However, the chicks I meet or the husbands seem to have a stereotype about divorced single women/mothers? Its kinds ticking me off and I'm just gonna lay low on the married friends front for a while. It could, in part, be race-related too, I hate to say that but since I live in a predom clear area.... :

 

[barbiesocialite]

see @barbiesocialite I AM the boring and monotonous single friend you're missing! Was married 20 years and have a yungin so my mindset is still family and stability oriented! However, the chicks I meet or the husbands seem to have a stereotype about divorced single women/mothers? Its kinds ticking me off and I'm just gonna lay low on the married friends front for a while. It could, in part, be race-related too, I hate to say that but since I live in a predom clear area.... :

yea see...im a hypocrite with double standards, I discriminate against boring single people.

I'm both an opportunist and pragmatic. : I'm the only introverted single friend I've ever had. lol I like single folks that are super extroverted--good at networking, always with a hookup, always in the know, event calendar overstuffed. Can't hang out being two boring, single people with nothing to do or talk about---we can't help each other with ish since we're in the same place! My married friends are usually extroverted too but their busyness is on a strictly planned schedule---with a bedtime. They always know when and how to pencil things in to make time

eta: I think I might not be as sensitive to judgment or criticism. IDGAF as a life philosophy. I've always been a black sheep, stick out like a sore thumb. I never expect others to relate, share my opinions/values or agree with anything I do. So it doesnt/wouldnt bother me what people assume or think about me, my history or my ways. hmph, I used to date women, failed engagements, changed careers 3-4 times, still finding myself, occassionally act ratchet.... most of the married and single people I meet have all types of arse backwards assumptions bout me---doesnt bother me, I'm like lets be friends so u can get over it lololol From what I gather of your font, your friendships and valued relatiuonships seemed to be based on more cammerderie and shared experience. I can see how certain married women with self-righteous hoity-toity ways that put on airs would be a turn off for you.

 

[londontresses]

Various experiences.

- Things stayed exactly the same
- The guy becomes 'velcro'- like she's trying to bring him around like one of the girls (I think this came from her not him)
- The friend dropped off the face of the earth and tries to schedule group get togethers at her convenience
- Friend became a bit passive aggressive
- Friend wanted me to get married more than I wanted it for myself and started becoming intrusive and giving awful advice (stay with him, work it out he sounds great)

 

[SophieDulce]

I have a 1 single girlfriend, the rest

Are married or engaged. I was so happy when my BFF got engaged because she was sooooo needy.

 

[hopeful]

My closest friend is single and the most loving, supportive, un-needy person I know. She does have children though so we have that in common. Our spirits really align. Most of my friends are married, with or without children, or are single with children. So I guess the only women I don't click with are not married and do not have children, but I do click with some in that category who are pretty young, usually 25 or younger. The ladies I click with most have a joyful spirit, generally happy, open-minded, believe in God, etc. I run from women who are really needy, negative, jealous-hearted, nosey, etc. and have found that there are many women who have those traits regardless of marital status or whether they have children or not.

 

[ambergirl]

I am so fortunate because I have all kinds of friends. Married with kids, married without kids, single with kids and without, men and women, of all races and ages. What makes it work is flexibility and respect. Also almost all of my friends are interested in self and community betterment so we all have that in common.

Last year my female friends and I started a new tradition where we're making a conscious effort to meet each other's friends so we plan a dinner or a tea and we invite at least one friend that may not know the other friends. So much fun! And it helps expand your friend network.

That said I know exactly what the OP is talking about. There are definitely some married women who trip about single woman ( or some times it's their husbands) and there are definitely single women who are needy and try to create problems in their married friends marriages. Have definitely seen both. And you just have to let those people go and recognize they will be acquaintances rather then friends.

I try to do two things: one be a part of different communities so you meet friends where you have things in common. And two, be the friend that I want to have which for me means being friendly, supportive, accepting, interesting and interested. It takes time to cultivate new friends and you have to be a bit if an extrovert. But it's a snowball effect. Once you get a few good ones your network seems to start growing on it's own.

 

[LovelyRo]

I don't have any newer friendships in general so, my frame of reference is with women that I have known 15-20 yrs! My childhood best friend got married when we were really young. She has 3 boys so, the dynamic of our friendship was very different when I was in undergrad and she was raising her family. We just didn't have much in common at that time but, we respected each other's differences and remained a sounding board for each other.

Now my other close friend that is married is a little different. It's still a situation of respect. I can hang out at her house with her hubby there (she likes to have people over). Our group of GF's can go out and her husband isn't really concerned about what we're doing.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I prefer married friends, which the majority of my friends are...I'm not the type of friend that likes to be called or hang out everyday. So this dynamic works best for me.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Girl bye. I'm a single boring friend and you adore me. Go sit down

yea see...im a hypocrite with double standards, I discriminate against boring single people. I'm both an opportunist and pragmatic. : I'm the only introverted single friend I've ever had. lol I like single folks that are super extroverted--good at networking, always with a hookup, always in the know, event calendar overstuffed. Can't hang out being two boring, single people with nothing to do or talk about---we can't help each other with ish since we're in the same place! My married friends are usually extroverted too but their busyness is on a strictly planned schedule---with a bedtime. They always know when and how to pencil things in to make time eta: I think I might not be as sensitive to judgment or criticism. IDGAF as a life philosophy. I've always been a black sheep, stick out like a sore thumb. I never expect others to relate, share my opinions/values or agree with anything I do. So it doesnt/wouldnt bother me what people assume or think about me, my history or my ways. hmph, I used to date women, failed engagements, changed careers 3-4 times, still finding myself, occassionally act ratchet.... most of the married and single people I meet have all types of arse backwards assumptions bout me---doesnt bother me, I'm like lets be friends so u can get over it lololol From what I gather of your font, your friendships and valued relatiuonships seemed to be based on more cammerderie and shared experience. I can see how certain married women with self-righteous hoity-toity ways that put on airs would be a turn off for you.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Girl bye. I'm a single boring friend and you adore me. Go sit down

so dramatic.

just cuz you think you're boring doesnt mean I do.