Spinny: let's talk about dating these days....

[Rocky91]

I didn't want to derail green tea (sp?) 's thread but I wanted to have a convo.
What the hell is going on?

I was at work recently chatting with my only two black coworkers. We're all early 20s. We start to chat about dating (I'm in a relationship, they're both single) and somehow the question of what to do for the first date comes up. I was all like, ummm dinner and a movie? And I swear they looked at me like I had 3 heads and busted out laughing and called me old fashioned. The guy was like, I'm not spending $$ till date 3, and the girl was like yea, we should go Dutch and have coffee or something.

And they started having me feel like I was super old fashioned because my bf still pays for all our dates what is this life folks are out here living? Is there an actual change, a noticeable shift, in dating customs? Or is this one of those looking at the past with rose colored glasses things?

 

[Rocky91]

Oh and for the record this is not a unicorn type judging-you-if-your-man-hasn't-bought-you-diamonds-by-date-3 type of thread. I'm just a regular gal with what I thought were average expectations. Which is actually why they had me feeling crazy.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

No, it's still the same. Some guys want to be cheap until they get sex (then they spend money or move on based on how they rate it) and other guys are into traditional dating, dinner/movie/concert/play/dancing. It's a numbers game.

 

[LiftedUp]

Girl, you're better than me. First date is you better carry me out for food and wine and dine me

Seriously though, I only went out for coffee on a first date once and that was recently and that was only because I missed our lunch reservation. However, he immediately rescheduled it.

The guy I went out before that carried me out to dinner.

What I believe that they both had in common is that they are "quiet" men and are not accustomed dating women who expect and demand less.

I think that the women who are allowing men to skimp are making it hard for the other women out there. These men begin to think that this is the status quo.

 

[CaraWalker]

i think there are still a good portion of people out there that date this way... there has to be since it comes up so frequently. it's not a possibility for me so i just watch with a detached gaze and refrain from commenting.

i dont think those women who accept this kind of dating are making it hard for me, though.

 

[FelaShrine]

bet the other girl agreed cos of the dude. aint nothing wrong with old-fashion, which it isnt.

anyway I cant take people like that seriously.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I'm a wine and dine type. None of the men that have pursued me has had an issue with that either. Wth do I look like getting dolled up for Dutch dates at Panera Bread?

 

[fasika]

I actually prefer a coffee date for the first meet. Let's meet at a laid-back coffee shop or someplace like that during the day or maybe a bar right after work, have a drink (that I have no problem going Dutch for since it doesn't create any expectations), chat for a bit (like an hr max). I feel there's less pressure when it's like this.

If we like each other, then I'm cool with making plans for dinner+movie for the next time, when he gets to wine and dine me properly.

It's more like a pre-date ritual. I only go on a dinner/other activity date if I actually like him enough after that first meeting. If I'm gonna invest hours into this guy, I have to be pretty sure I actually like him. Don't wanna be stuck an entire evening with someone I don't like and want to get away from . On top of that, I think we're more relaxed around each other and have more things to discuss since that 1st date awkwardness has been taken care of already.

What I don't like are the 'send me your pic' and 'let's hang out at my house' nonsense, before you even go on a single date. That's definitely a new thing and I don't like it.

 

[SamandI]

Everyone knows I'm broke, just from me telling them I'm a teacher.
My fiance and I are going on year 4 and I do not/will not pull out my wallet or pay unless it was established from when we started planning the outing that I was taking him out. Last time we went out, this waitress had to the nerve to put the bill on my side of the table. I'm dressed up all cute across from a man who is by no means bum-looking and you had the idea that I was paying for this here dinner? Umm, no.

Maybe if we decide to co-mingle finances after marriage, but until then no ma'am.

 

[FelaShrine]

^she would have gotten the dirtest of looks. shio

I actually prefer a coffee date for the first meet. Let's meet at a laid-back coffee shop or someplace like that during the day or maybe a bar right after work, have a drink (that I have no problem going Dutch for since it doesn't create any expectations),

men expect things all the time, doesnt mean women have to give in so I never understoof this line. I agree with the other stuff although I will still do dinner or whatever..if its not going well..I cut it short.

 

[SuchaLady]

My boothang told me he'd be ashamed if he let me pay for anything. He said he doesn't pee sitting down. I may keep this one He's already trying to pay a couple bills but I'm not okay with that just yet. My friends are asking if I'm crazy

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I've been on many a date and the thought never even enters my mind that I'm supposed to pay, offer to pay, or offer to split the bill. How does a man wait till date 3 to pay, what kind of "dates" are they going on?

 

[kandake]

I can think of some things that have happened. These are not an excuse for anything, but I think it may have created a change in the dating scene.

On-line dating is more prevalent these days. You're dealing with people you've never met before. I know from experience that I prefer a short meet-and-greet at Starbucks or something. I don't like being stuck on a date with someone that I'm not into.

People suffered from economic issues; losing their jobs, out of work for months, accepting lower paying jobs etc. Now most of these people shouldn't have been dating, considering there were more pressing issues to address, but I really think it created a culture of going dutch. So even though people have now recovered, it's a practice that carried over.

I will also say that there are some really good guys out their who like to wine and dine but have gotten burned by women who have used them for meals. Again, not an excuse for anything but I've seen it happen.

Then you have the jokers who just don't know how to date.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I have no sympathy for men claiming to have been burned by users. If you want to play in a certain pool then deal with those rules. Professional groupies are easy to spot. You can't turn a plaything into a spouse without a certain income level. Instead of associating with users they would be better off spending time actually dating women on their actual level instead of what they think they deserve visually.

Interviewing someone over coffee isn't the same as a full out date. There are levels based on how you've met and where you are in life (college students demanding steak house dates get side eye from me). There isn't a one size fit all approach and what your friend accepts may not be good for you. You just have to know your criteria and then interview accordingly. Frankly movie dates in the beginning don't work for me because we're not getting to know each other just watching a film and if you're one of those talking through the movie types I will change my seat. Others love that as a first date. Different strokes. Just remember you can't have high standards and play in a creek.

 

[PeaceFlow]

what is this life folks are out here living?

I can live in the exact same city as a female friend of the same attractiveness and have completely different experience of the "dating scene". Thats why I cant pay attention to blanket generalisations about men because we may be moving in different circles, subcultures and dating men with different backgrounds.

Most of the time men act the way they've seen their father act IME. For some reason I attract men with traditional backgrounds. My experience doesn't match with my friends that often date men without traditional father figures.

 

[chocolat79]

fasika, ITA. I hate putting hours and energy into a date and then it's a bust. I'll go do a "pre-date" and if it's cool, then we can have a real date. On the pre-date, I'm not busting my butt to look extra beautiful with new clothes and such. I'm going to look nice and then I'll decide if he's worth exerting extra energy for next time. Plus, my time is valuable. I ain't got time to entertain nonsense on a long date if I'm not feeling him from jump.

 

[PretteePlease]

I'm a wine and dine type. None of the men that have pursued me has had an issue with that either. Wth do I look like getting dolled up for Dutch dates at Panera Bread?

My sistah!

I can't call it law of attraction but I know plenty of women who live in Houston and think it is the pits for dating. I'm so puzzled. What is this cheap business

Coffee is not a date it is a meet and greet unless you go to a coffee shop that also sells food and wine. There is a place like that here

 

[fasika]

^she would have gotten the dirtest of looks. shio



men expect things all the time, doesnt mean women have to give in so I never understoof this line. I agree with the other stuff although I will still do dinner or whatever..if its not going well..I cut it short.

Oh I agree with you totally, but I just like to keep control of the situation when I still know nothing of the man. You never know which man is a psycho so I see it as minimizing the risk factor.

 

[lux10023]

im so confuzzled by this like what kind of dates a woman would go on with a man who was talking he not paying till date 3


when i dated some days i left my pocketbook in the car or etc
some dudes asked oh where's your bag? i always answered in the car or etc..do i need it?

some dudes didn't question it or ask ( i dated those dudes the longest because they knew what it is to provide and take care of even on a 1st date)



to me men like to provide its like a innate macho cave thing like "i am man i need to provide" mental state lol even the cave men knew what time it was...lolol

I've been on many a date and the thought never even enters my mind that I'm supposed to pay, offer to pay, or offer to split the bill. How does a man wait till date 3 to pay, what kind of "dates" are they going on?

 

[CaraWalker]

i pretty much hate coffee meet and greets. theyre too... flat for me. and i also think they kind of set up an expectation for failure because its so formal. i am trying to get away from being perfect robot dater. its too plastic for me.

most of my dates are meeting for a drink which usually turns into bar hopping and dancing if it goes well. next common would probably be dinner dates, then least common would be activity dates. since i am a sports fan i get invited to games a lot. i have a first date monday to a basketball game. i am also supposed to go to an (OUTDOOR?!?! wtf) football game sunday with a guy ive already gone out with a few times but i dont want to (dont like football). the other activity i do a lot is pool/beercade which are bars that are basically chuck e cheese for adults.

i dont do movie dates because a.) i dont have the patience to sit through most movies unless im really interested, let alone with a silent stranger and b.) you cant talk.

 

[Nayna]

I just see first dates as a way for him to impress me. Take me out and act like you know how to court a young lady. My first date with SO was to this restaurant with good seafood and a nice wine selection. He claims he picked it for me specifically because he remembered during our first few conversations that I'm a seafood fanatic. He also remembered that I'm a big fan of wines. I like that ish. It put a little smirk on my face.

After a few phone conversations I can usually tell if I'm going to take this further. If he doesn't bring up going on a date then that's that. It's the easiest way to weed out jokers.

ETA I also agree with people in regards to movie dates as a first date. I find them awkward.

 

[CaraWalker]

first date tonight at sushi restaurant.

 

[kandake]

I like drinks as a first date as well. At a nice lounge, wine bar or even a nice sports bar and then if we click move on to something else.

On the second date is when I expect more.

What are people defining as "wine and dine". Are we talking about fine dining. For me, I wouldn't even want that. I'd much prefer to check out the new Ethiopian restaurant, sushi bar or Ramen spot.

 

[fasika]

To me 'wine and dine' is more about the sentiment than the actual dining experience. I mean, I don't want to go to Ruby Tuesday's or anything, but I want the full date treatment: a proper planned outing, I'm all dolled up, and there's a glass or two of actual wine involved. Beyond that, it doesn't have to be fine-dining at all (in fact, I don't like that much), but I do want a more upscale experience than a burger joint, and definitely no chains.

 

[LiftedUp]

I just see first dates as a way for him to impress me. Take me out and act like you know how to court a young lady.

This exactly! Like "Yes she said yes, do.not.mess.this.up!!!".

 

[Mortons]

I don't believe in coffee meet and greets. 9/10 I have been talking to you for a little bit before I agree to date so there is no reason for a simple meet and greet at some crowded Starbucks. You are not a coworker going over a report with me after work lol.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

My best dating experiences have been with men that can mix a good combo of different kinds of dates in a nice rotation.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I don't believe in coffee meet and greets. 9/10 I have been talking to you for a little bit before I agree to date so there is no reason for a simple meet and greet at some crowded Starbucks. You are not a coworker going over a report with me after work lol.

Lol!! Right Starbucks and Panera Bread make me think about work

 

[CaraWalker]

I like drinks as a first date as well. At a nice lounge, wine bar or even a nice sports bar and then if we click move on to something else. On the second date is when I expect more. What are people defining as "wine and dine". Are we talking about fine dining. For me, I wouldn't even want that. I'd much prefer to check out the new Ethiopian restaurant, sushi bar or Ramen spot.

i go to mainly mid price restaurants. mid price to upper tier. no chains. when it comes to bars i prefer dive to moderate... not gonna make him spend all his cash on pricey drinks.

 

[MzLady78]

I've been on many a date and the thought never even enters my mind that I'm supposed to pay, offer to pay, or offer to split the bill. How does a man wait till date 3 to pay, what kind of "dates" are they going on?

We wouldn't even make it to date number 2, let alone 3 if he didn't pay for the first one.