So What are you Supposed to do AFTER the arguement

[PrissiSippi]

Me and my SO had our first argument. It wasn't super bad, but he really hurt my feelings.

I just wanted to show him that I was really really hurt and felt unappreciated. And if he kept it up, I'm gone. Well he apologized twice but that did nothing for me...I started getting upset and when I get upset I started throwing sarcastic remarks at him here and there.

He apologized again and then told me he understood where I was coming from and he sees how our arguments will be from now on. I don't say things that upset me until they pile up on each other and then we argue about a plethora of stuff. He also told me I was going on and on so he would talk to me later when I was more calm. I told him I was calm now but I just wanted to let him now he really hurt me. He said no I will talk to you a little later and got off the phone. He called about 2 hours later and then came to visit me.

I didn't want him to see me sweat so I was nice and cordial when he came over. I didn't bring up the argument or anything since we were around family and we just watched movies and talked with fam.

BUT Is the argument supposed to be over? I'm still pissed. What's now? I'm not supposed to bring it back up unless the problem comes up again? What's next? I really care for him and I'm trying to do the right things in this relationship. I'm trying to be more open minded and think logically. I don't want to be labeled as a nagger. So what to do?

 

[Softerlove]

My rule: a perfect relationship didn't mean you don't argue, it just means you argue and Resolve that ish.

Resolve it, but understand that he basically gave you a chance to think before you would say something you regret, so he atleast cares. Goodluck!

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[firecracker]

If its not about really important stuff let it go but learn some better communication skills from this argument. In relationships we will surely disagree at times but its how we handle the situation and/or disagreement that makes the difference. Don't talk at each other. His suggestion at a time out isn't a bad thing. Feel better and pray on it.

 

[PrissiSippi]

If its not about really important stuff let it go but learn some better communication skills from this argument. In relationships we will surely disagree at times but its how we handle the situation and/or disagreement that makes the difference. Don't talk at each other. His suggestion at a time out isn't a bad thing. Feel better and pray on it.

It really was important.

We've been dating almost three months. He has missed some important parts of my life!


My Masters' Graduation- He got off work at 6pm. My graduation was at 6. But this is my thing....um at 5:30 you saw that you were still at work and not hitting the highway to be at my graduation THEREFORE you CALL or TEXT and say that you're not going to be able to make it. I was really pissed off when he called me as I was walking out of graduation. The two main men in my life: my dad and boyfriend didn't even show up for a graduation that I worked hard to accomplish. He heard how upset I was so he came by my apartment and brought me my favorite flowers, a card, and this expensive watch. (I was appreciative but...I don't even like watches. I don't like stuff on my wrist like that so it wasn't a good gift for me but he has a matching watch so to speak so now we have matching watching -___-) I didn't bring up the whole u weren't there anymore

Christmas- I had surgery right before Christmas. I felt horrible. I wanted him around so I could be babied and all the attention could be diverted away from me. I told him to meet me at my brother's house. During this time he was having car troubles but I assumed he would ask a cousin to take him. He told me he would. Instead he never showed up and called me afterwards saying that he felt less than a man because he stayed the entire Christmas at home alone because his car was not working and he does so much for other people but when he asked others to do stuff for him they never return the favor.

New Years Eve- I'm still under the weather. We were supposed to go to church together but told him I was not feeling well. He told me that how u spend the first minutes in the new year tells how your year would go. Because of that he wanted to be with me for new years eve and we could just watch old movies until I fell asleep on him. Cool except his car STILL was not working so he asked could I drive over to see him. He lives 5 minutes away but it's the principle. I snapped and said look I'm the "sick and shut in" Therefore I should not and will not be busting my balls to see you when it should be the other way around. And as your girlfriend u should want me safe. People shoot and pop fire crackers on New Years Eve and I'm on painkillers. It's a short drive but I will not be making it. Well he never did argue with me. He told me I was right. But a few hours later he told me he was so unhappy he didn't spend New Years Eve with his girl.

and NOW

My Birthday- First I said we were not celebrating my bday until next week because then I would be able to be more mobile and do more. He told me my birthday was on Saturday not next week so we would be going out for my birthday. He gave me $50 for me to get my nails and hair done on Thursday. Last minute, he got called for work on my birthday. I already knew this was going to be bad. I expected him to call me after work to take me out...no show. I didn't hear from him until after church on Sunday. I snapped whole heartedly and let him know I felt unappreciated. He told me he was ashamed he really didn't have the money to buy me a gift so he didn't call. He spent his last on his car to make sure it was running. I told him that's understandable but he could have at least given me the gift of his time or his thoughtfulness. He didn't even call me on my birthday. Like it was some regular day. I asked what did he do on my birthday. He told me watch the game at his mother's house. I told him he was around a million phones all day and he didn't even have the decency to call me. That's when I brought up that he had missed Christmas, graduation, New years Eve, and now my birthday.

He said I never brought up how upset I was about the previous times and he never knew I really felt this way. He didn't know the holidays were such a big deal to me. He apologized but then said: It may be plenty Christmas' and Thanksgivings we are not together but he understood this one is important because it's the first one we had as a couple. . I told him if we miss plenty Christmas' and Thanksgivings together he may as well not be with me because he will return to an empty house. He told me sometimes he would spend time at his mother's he was not gonna skip out on spending time with his family to be with mine all the time.

I told him holidays are when we need to be getting to know each other's family. Just because he wants to spend time with his family does not mean I will not be there too. In a relationship we compromise. Thanksgiving we will start at his mother's house and then after we will drop by my parent's house. Then Christmas we will start at my parent's house and then go to his mother's house...as a COUPLE.

He told me he didn't do it that way in his last relationship. I got mad and said whatever his past is is irrelevant to me. He said he agreed he just didn't know that's how couples did things. He and his brothers have never done it that way but it seems like a good idea.

I was still mad. I am still mad. I made a few comments he let me cool down and got off the phone with me. After that it was dropped. I'm still mad. It's like it's not resolved. He apologized but it's not clear cut on how we will resolve this

CONT

 

[PrissiSippi]

So before the argument was over I got pissed off and asked him where the hell is his money going. He makes decent money and the only bills he has was rent, electricity, water, and his car.

He told me he bought his mother a $100 bracelet. He bought his sister something for $100. He takes care of this baby as his own so he gave him $200 for toys, and he bought his brother something. So I quietly asked him, And where is MY Christmas present. I didn't trip because I didn't buy anybody anything for Christmas because I was in the hospital the days before Christmas but I had planned to buy everybody presents after I got out but I had noticed he didn't buy me anything for Christmas but never said anything.

He told me he spent $100 on the watch and that was my graduation and Christmas present. I told him no it was not because if it was he should have clarified that before giving it to me, and I didn't ask for that watch. I was appreciative for it but like I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, I told him what I wanted for Christmas. It was a $30 shirt so it was not reasonable at all. I told him I felt like I was at the bottom of the totem pole. He bought everyone else something except me and even though he does sweet things for me all the times (We go out 2-3 times a week, he washes my car, keeps my hair done, sends sweet messages, fixes up my apartment, and etc) it's the principle of the matter and I didn't like it.

He apologized and told me this has been a rough month for him. He told me he let all his bills pile up and instead of paying them he decided to pay them after Christmas and instead spent the money on Christmas presents. Now he has to spend all his money to pay his bills since they are past due. He told me his plan is to pay his rent and electricity next week and the week after that he will pay his phone and then after that we will start working together on making him a better bill payer and get him more financially stable by saving more.

 

[FemmeCreole]

From what I see ^^^ communication seems to be an issue. Y'all need to work on that ASAP.

I'm Queen of keeping things to myself and working things out on my own. Not until I got with my ex that I learned to share how I feel and be more open.

Also when you have an issue, resolve it and don't rehash or bring it back later on. If you have a problem down the line, don't bring up something that happened in the past and was resolved. That only escalates things further and bring back bad sentiments.

 

[Guitarhero]

Hmmm, I see why he wanted to wait. He seems like somebody who likes order and calm, which is good. But you didn't open up to him to tell him the problem in a calm and rational way. That doesn't work. You need to open up to him and tell him how x-situation makes you feel. If you keep doing that, you are marginalizing yourself in a relationship and telling yourself that your feelings and concerns truly don't matter and deserve a backseat.

 

[jazzerz]

This reads just like things my ex-bf did.

OP, I agree that you should talk through communication but also expectations. It seems as though what you're expecting from him is not aligned with what he thinks should happen.


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[Guitarhero]

He apologized and told me this has been a rough month for him. He told me he let all his bills pile up and instead of paying them he decided to pay them after Christmas and instead spent the money on Christmas presents. Now he has to spend all his money to pay his bills since they are past due. He told me his plan is to pay his rent and electricity next week and the week after that he will pay his phone and then after that we will start working together on making him a better bill payer and get him more financially stable by saving more.

OP, that is not your responsibility. Strike one for him. He's the kind of guy that will put a wife last, friends and family first. Don't go for that. He's got to get himself in order, not you and him, but by himself. Then dismiss your feelings until a later time? Disregard my first post.

 

[Softerlove]

OP, that is not your responsibility. Strike one for him. He's the kind of guy that will put a wife last, friends and family first. Don't go for that. He's got to get himself in order, not you and him, but by himself. Then dismiss your feelings until a later time? Disregard my first post.

Yep, after reading OP long posts lol, it sounds like he doesn't have his act together at all.

His life sounds chaotic, and tbh unless you two communicate and stay in the same page, this relationship is going to fail.

In all honesty, his words don't match his actions at all...and those arte what truly count.

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[hopeful]

I think he is just not together enough for you and is not a good problem solver. Based on what you wrote, you just can't count on him.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Communication is key. It doesn't sound like the two of you have communicated enough to determine HOW you need to communicate.

Don't let things build up and then explode with a long list of wrongs. That just makes the other person feel like you're nitpicking and that they cannot do anything right.

On the other hand you need to take a real close look at the totality of this man and your relationship. Patterns exist for a reason...so that they can be recognized. I agree with the other poster he doesn't sound like he's together enough for you.

You seem like you are very forward moving and I applaud you for that. He on the other hand seems to be a bit not forward moving. He seems to be to be like a lot of guys very complacent in their current station in life (whatever that may be). These guys always seem to navigate back to their original family and siblings on weekends, after work, every holiday and often financially too. They are not mature enough to realize that in a significant other relationship you move away from your brothers and sisters as a sibling and come back in a couple form.

Otherwise what's the point of being in a relationship. I agree with you whole heartedly....we will "visit" as a "couple" not me come to visit you and your family and vice versa. Unfortunately, if he is the go to person in that family and because he's not in a relationship can always be counted on to "fund" the financial gaps, gifts and what not's, you may encounter strong resentment because of course you are looking to bring those resources into your relationship and as well you should.

It sounds like he plans to give you excuses and plead ignorance and plan to do better. Just be careful with that...people usually don't change who they really are.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Maybe I'm just not an experienced dater and I definitely do NOT subscribe to the theory that all men cheat, but are you sure this guy is YOUR boyfriend?

He seems to be MIA for some pretty important events that most couples spend together.erplexed After only three months, he should still be on his best behavior since you both are still getting to know one another.

It really was important.

We've been dating almost three months. He has missed some important parts of my life!

My Masters' Graduation- He got off work at 6pm. My graduation was at 6. But this is my thing....um at 5:30 you saw that you were still at work and not hitting the highway to be at my graduation THEREFORE you CALL or TEXT and say that you're not going to be able to make it. I was really pissed off when he called me as I was walking out of graduation. The two main men in my life: my dad and boyfriend didn't even show up for a graduation that I worked hard to accomplish. He heard how upset I was so he came by my apartment and brought me my favorite flowers, a card, and this expensive watch. (I was appreciative but...I don't even like watches. I don't like stuff on my wrist like that so it wasn't a good gift for me but he has a matching watch so to speak so now we have matching watching -___-) I didn't bring up the whole u weren't there anymore

Christmas- I had surgery right before Christmas. I felt horrible. I wanted him around so I could be babied and all the attention could be diverted away from me. I told him to meet me at my brother's house. During this time he was having car troubles but I assumed he would ask a cousin to take him. He told me he would. Instead he never showed up and called me afterwards saying that he felt less than a man because he stayed the entire Christmas at home alone because his car was not working and he does so much for other people but when he asked others to do stuff for him they never return the favor.

New Years Eve- I'm still under the weather. We were supposed to go to church together but told him I was not feeling well. He told me that how u spend the first minutes in the new year tells how your year would go. Because of that he wanted to be with me for new years eve and we could just watch old movies until I fell asleep on him. Cool except his car STILL was not working so he asked could I drive over to see him. He lives 5 minutes away but it's the principle. I snapped and said look I'm the "sick and shut in" Therefore I should not and will not be busting my balls to see you when it should be the other way around. And as your girlfriend u should want me safe. People shoot and pop fire crackers on New Years Eve and I'm on painkillers. It's a short drive but I will not be making it. Well he never did argue with me. He told me I was right. But a few hours later he told me he was so unhappy he didn't spend New Years Eve with his girl.

and NOW

My Birthday- First I said we were not celebrating my bday until next week because then I would be able to be more mobile and do more. He told me my birthday was on Saturday not next week so we would be going out for my birthday. He gave me $50 for me to get my nails and hair done on Thursday. Last minute, he got called for work on my birthday. I already knew this was going to be bad. I expected him to call me after work to take me out...no show. I didn't hear from him until after church on Sunday. I snapped whole heartedly and let him know I felt unappreciated. He told me he was ashamed he really didn't have the money to buy me a gift so he didn't call. He spent his last on his car to make sure it was running. I told him that's understandable but he could have at least given me the gift of his time or his thoughtfulness. He didn't even call me on my birthday. Like it was some regular day. I asked what did he do on my birthday. He told me watch the game at his mother's house. I told him he was around a million phones all day and he didn't even have the decency to call me. That's when I brought up that he had missed Christmas, graduation, New years Eve, and now my birthday.

He said I never brought up how upset I was about the previous times and he never knew I really felt this way. He didn't know the holidays were such a big deal to me. He apologized but then said: It may be plenty Christmas' and Thanksgivings we are not together but he understood this one is important because it's the first one we had as a couple. . I told him if we miss plenty Christmas' and Thanksgivings together he may as well not be with me because he will return to an empty house. He told me sometimes he would spend time at his mother's he was not gonna skip out on spending time with his family to be with mine all the time.

I told him holidays are when we need to be getting to know each other's family. Just because he wants to spend time with his family does not mean I will not be there too. In a relationship we compromise. Thanksgiving we will start at his mother's house and then after we will drop by my parent's house. Then Christmas we will start at my parent's house and then go to his mother's house...as a COUPLE.

He told me he didn't do it that way in his last relationship. I got mad and said whatever his past is is irrelevant to me. He said he agreed he just didn't know that's how couples did things. He and his brothers have never done it that way but it seems like a good idea.

I was still mad. I am still mad. I made a few comments he let me cool down and got off the phone with me. After that it was dropped. I'm still mad. It's like it's not resolved. He apologized but it's not clear cut on how we will resolve this

CONT

 

[PrissiSippi]

Thanks for the advice ladies

 

[*CherryPie*]

To me, it sounds like you're the other woman.

Married men, men with girlfriends and players behave this way. They are never around on holidays, and they miss your important days because they don't want to get too emotionally attached....because they have somebody else.

He even tried to tell you that y'all won't be together on holidays.

Watch him. If he continues, get rid of him.

 

[WhoIAm]

Just so I won't be accused of telling a woman to leave her man...

You need to keep your eyes, ears and common sense open. Something doesn't sound right.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Damn. Im tired just from readin ur post. He is not into you, one. Two, your nagging. You can't teach a man how to be a boyfriend and that is what I'm reading from your thread. If you told him in advance about certain events such as your graduation, surgery etc., why are you constantly reminding him of what he needs to do?

I think you're doing too much and so is he. He's feedin u bullshyt and you feedin off of it.

Drop da bama. He got too much going and you need too much attention that he ain't ready to give.

 

[Xavier]

OP how long did you know him before you guys got serious? I would say this guys has missed too many important events in such a short time span. 3 months of dating and he is already letting you down.

 

[HauteHippie]

Maybe I'm just not an experienced dater and I definitely do NOT subscribe to the theory that all men cheat, but are you sure this guy is YOUR boyfriend?

He seems to be MIA for some pretty important events that most couples spend together.erplexed After only three months, he should still be on his best behavior since you both are still getting to know one another.

My thought exactly. I can't believe he even does a follow-up call after being a no show-- and it's weak. That's bold. I mean... He missed some big moments for lame reasons. If a new guy did that to me, I'd assume we were "broken up". And 3 months is such a short amount of time. In my opinion, that's usually getting to know each other/dating time, not necessarily relationship time.

Why is he comfortable messing up so hugely and then pushing your feelings off for later? In a normal relationship, I do believe in waiting to talk if requested... but, I'm sorry, his behaviors is not normal.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

You can't teach a man how to be a boyfriend and that is what I'm reading from your thread. If you told him in advance about certain events such as your graduation, surgery etc., why are you constantly reminding him of what he needs to do?

BINGO to the bolded. He's flaky and full of excuses. He can't manage the simplest of things like calling or texting when he can't make it to your Masters' graduation. I don't put up with this behavior from my friends, I d*mn sure would not have it from my SO.

ETA: I have a question though. Are you boyfriend/girlfriend or just dating? 3 months or not, I would only invite someone I'm exclusively seeing to my Masters' Graduation, Birthday, NYE and Christmas. Sounds like you have different expectations.

 

[PrissiSippi]

BINGO to the bolded. He's flaky and full of excuses. He can't manage the simplest of things like calling or texting when he can't make it to your Masters' graduation. I don't put up with this behavior from my friends, I d*mn sure would not have it from my SO.

ETA: I have a question though. Are you boyfriend/girlfriend or just dating? 3 months or not, I would only invite someone I'm exclusively seeing to my Masters' Graduation, Birthday, NYE and Christmas. Sounds like you have different expectations.

Yes we are exclusive.

 

[BGT]

@PrissiSippi

You seem to be getting angry at what you EXPECTED him to do and he didn't and not angry at what you've actually TOLD him to do and didn't. He's not a mind-reader. If you expect something, tell him.

 

[PrissiSippi]

@PrissiSippi

You seem to be getting angry at what you EXPECTED him to do and he didn't and not angry at what you've actually TOLD him to do and didn't. He's not a mind-reader. If you expect something, tell him.

I'm new to this. I agree my communication is not the best. I assume you know where I'm coming from/what's important and etc. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

OAN: This whole situation has really gotten me upset. Like I'm so upset I don't even want to try to communicate right now. That will probably get better with time, but I've been upset all day. Totally not like me. I think I just need my space.

 

[Faux]

To me, it sounds like you're the other woman.

Married men, men with girlfriends and players behave this way. They are never around on holidays, and they miss your important days because they don't want to get too emotionally attached....because they have somebody else.

He even tried to tell you that y'all won't be together on holidays.

Watch him. If he continues, get rid of him.

OMG this, this and this. I was thinking this reading op's post.

 

[Theresamonet]

PrissiSippi Tell us more about this baby that he takes care of "as his own". Are you sure it's not...his own?

 

[SummerSolstice]

Maybe I'm just not an experienced dater and I definitely do NOT subscribe to the theory that all men cheat, but are you sure this guy is YOUR boyfriend?

He seems to be MIA for some pretty important events that most couples spend together.erplexed After only three months, he should still be on his best behavior since you both are still getting to know one another.

That happened to me quite a bit with my ex and he was cheating. That was my first thought when I read the longer posts.
I dunno, depending on how serious you 2 are, u may wanna check that phone when u get the chance, just sayin.

 

[hopeful]

I'm new to this. I agree my communication is not the best. I assume you know where I'm coming from/what's important and etc. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

OAN: This whole situation has really gotten me upset. Like I'm so upset I don't even want to try to communicate right now. That will probably get better with time, but I've been upset all day. Totally not like me. I think I just need my space.

I hope you don't take the blame for his poor behavior. This has nothing to do with you not communicating well enough. You said "That's when I brought up that he had missed Christmas, graduation, New years Eve, and now my birthday." A guy who misses alladat is not your boyfriend. You have a Master's degree and you are dating a guy who can't get his car running, call a cab, send a text in a timely manner, or make any of your important events. That is messed up. What is there to communicate about? Like someone said earlier, it's not your job to teach him how to be a boyfriend. And the more I read I think the other ladies are right, you may be the other woman. Don't put up with this foolishness anymore.

 

[kryolnapps]

OAN: This whole situation has really gotten me upset. Like I'm so upset I don't even want to try to communicate right now. That will probably get better with time, but I've been upset all day. Totally not like me. I think I just need my space.

Don't dismiss this feeling. It is your instinct telling you something is wrong! Actions (or lack thereof) are what count! Lots of red flags here.

 

[PrissiSippi]

UPDATE: He works for a friend of the family's electrical company. They travel and he found out he would be working about an hour away Monday-Thursday. But after our argument we decided our communication is not the best and he would work on it. His phone is off (that's a big pet peeve of mine) but he promised to call me Monday as soon as work slowed down. He didn't call and it is 5:30 PM today and I still haven't heard from him. In my eyes that's basically like...forget your feelings and I'm not going to amend my actions. Therefore I assume we are done.

If/When he does call I'm just going to tell him it's something I don't tolerate and I don't think we should continue seeing each other. No sense is muddling up my 2012 this early in the year. *shrugs*

Thanks for the advice.

 

[PrissiSippi]

PrissiSippi Tell us more about this baby that he takes care of "as his own". Are you sure it's not...his own?

Yup I'm sure it's not his. He has an ex girlfriend. He refers to her as "baby mama" *cringes*. When they were together she cheated and got pregnant with this baby with another man. The actual child's father doesn't do anything for the child. He only has a few pictures of the child on facebook. He thinks of the child as a way to get more benefits since the said father is in the army. Well my SO was hurt by this pregnancy and baby but stuck by the girl's side and takes care of this child like his own. I personally feel like he does that because he can forever see his ex if he takes care of the child.

Me and this "ex" have problems. She found my phone number via facebook and sent me a long text message saying that she didn't expect him to ever move on and she thinks God sent him to be in her life and if I broke this guy's feelings she would be upset. . She told me she loved him once upon a time and even though she broke up with him she wanted him back. I told her I would not be involved in this ghetto mess between he and she. I contacted my SO and told him that if the girl didn't stop messaging me and he didn't handle whatever problem she had, we would be through. He told the girl to not contact me/send me messages anymore so I haven't heard from her since the early days of me dating my SO.

But this is another reason why I'm going to just break up with him. I've been getting random blocked calls. I don't know anyone who has any animosity or etc towards me to call me blocked. This all just started randomly and sporadically after meeting SO. Therefore it's just too much.