SO Lies Out of Embarrassment. . .

MissMeWithThatIsh

MissMeWithThatIsh

New Member
Ok, so my fiance has been lying about something he's embarrassed about for quite a while. I've always known he has been lying about it (:look:), but my issue is when I've pressed him for the truth, he lies again and again until I put the evidence in his face.

What irritates me is not what he's lying about- we all have our things to work on and I love him unconditionally- it's the lies. A willing liar is just as evil as a willing cheater. So when I blast you, and you apologize, to me, you're only sorry you got caught, not about the lies.

So basically I went off on him because he's been lying, and I know he has been, and after all this time of wanting help with the issue, he still cannot be honest with me. I told him everything I felt about him and more in terms of the lying and told him I wanted to slap him and that I probably will do so anyway so be ready for it.
I know he's had an issue with telling people about his concerns and issues, and I know he truly feels embarrassed and shamed about it, despite the fact that I am here for him. Truth be told, I have the same issue- and I'm dealing with it myself, but I have more or less come to terms with it. I know this issue can cause shame and embarrassment... but when it comes to you telling me you'll be honest about it but you're still lying out of shame and embarrassment, then why should I f--- with you in that respect?
I know my SO and he is 100% truthful about everything else but this. This has created a wedge in our relationship that just makes me wanna :wallbash:. He is going to the desert in a few months and this has added stress to me in regards to this issue.

He says he wants to change and eliminate the issue and the causes. I am okay with whatver he does, I just want the honesty. He says he knows this but that he also knows there's a chance due to the embarrassment that he cannot be honest. He said he's considering talking to someone to help him cope with the issue. I feel this issue would need- eventually- to be coped with by both of us. If I continue to do what I'm doing knowing it's not good for him, then I feel I need to stop too (being that my own confrontation with this has never happened).

He is a good man. He's just very ashamed of this issue and thinks that if he eliminates it, then it's worth it for the sake of our relationship. I'm just of the belief that doing it for the relationship's improvement will not be enough to make the issue go away permanently. I think he needs to realize that he needs to handle it because he wants to. Like I said, I can deal with the issue- am completely OKAY with it because that's just how I am- but I need the honesty... and apparently to him this is black and white... he cannot handle the gray area and be honest. I just want an honest "I'm going to do.... or I have done.... or I don't want to so..." NOT "IF this is the problem it causes for us I will just not be bothered (but sneak and deal with it how I want anyway and lie to you)"

But I've let him know as of yesterday that I will not deal with a liar and if this cannot be resolved... he knows what will happen.

---this was long but I thank you for listening---
 
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You stated to him how you feel either he gets it or he doesn't. My X Fiance was a little white lair and it drove me nuts that is why he is the X!
 
I have an idea about what the issue might be. Anyway you have to decide whether it is worth it to try. You know him better than all of us so you would know if this is a make or break thing for your relationship. Give me a ring later. Love ya. Q
 
***Que*** said:
I have an idea about what the issue might be. Anyway you have to decide whether it is worth it to try. You know him better than all of us so you would know if this is a make or break thing for your relationship. Give me a ring later. Love ya. Q
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Ahh... yea I think you may:blush:. And yea I will.
 
If something is obviously causing him shame and embarrassment then why do you keep poking him to tell the truth which in turn causes him MORE shame and embarrassment?

Why not let him come to terms with whatever the issue is so that he won't have to lie every time you ask him questions and try to out him about it?

But only you know what this 'something' is so.....
 
I was in a very long marriage with someone that started the relationship by telling a "small" lie. We were living in an area near his hometown and very far from mine. So before we got married we were traveling here and there. I wanted him to take me home to meet his mom. He said that he and his mom had a disagreement and weren't speaking and so we didn't go to his hometown.

Later on after we married, I found that he was too embarrassed of his family's living conditions to take me to see his mom. He had lied about the whole disagreement issue. I kind of looked over that lie, but over time the lies continued and he was even lying to our children.

My advice is to decide what you want out of the relationship. If your SO can't be honest and you accept it then that is what you will have. Usually grown people don't make significant behavoiral changes. It is very hard. You have to have a life altering event to make a lasting change. A person can only "pretend" for so long.
 
MizzBrown said:
If something is obviously causing him shame and embarrassment then why do you keep poking him to tell the truth which in turn causes him MORE shame and embarrassment?

Why not let him come to terms with whatever the issue is so that he won't have to lie every time you ask him questions and try to out him about it?

But only you know what this 'something' is so.....
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I'm poking because he'll tell me he's not involving him self with the issue, and then I find things to indicate he has and I don't appreciate the lies. It's a no win situation.

When I walk away from him and tell him I no longer give a... he gets upset.
 
IMO, If someone routinely lies to you about the small stuff, then how (or rather why) would you unconditionally trust them about the big stiff. :ohwell:

Not that this is your situation, but I have a friend who routinely lies to his wife (about silly things) but he is also lying to her about being faithful (a bigge)! His motto is like Jack Nichelson's "YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH" so he tells what she wants to hear....it must be working because they have been married for over 10 years and just had the second child.
 
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CurliDiva said:
IMO, If someone routinely lies to you about the small stuff, then how (or rather why) would you unconditionally trust them about the big stiff. :ohwell:

Not that this is your situation, but I have a friend who routinely lies to his wife (about silly things) but he is also lying to her baout being faithful (a bigge)! His motto is like Jack Nichelson's "YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH" so he tells what she wants to hear....it must be working because they have been married for over 10 years and just had the second child.
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There's a difference. He was comfortable with this issue until we moved in. After I moved in, he changed and became more "closeted" about the issue. . . and he registers my anger at the subject as disapproval, when I don't like the manner in which he acts with it. When I say I'd rather move out and not deal with this and go back to us being LD, he's automatically "going to deal with it" but he doesn't.

This isn't a little small thing. Depending on who's who involved it can be a big or small issue. I'm not at liberty to disclose further but being that I deal with the same problem, I know what it's like to feel that way, I'm just not for the BS.
 
I have a big problem with people lying to me. :ohwell:
I understand that people in day to day life may do it, but it trips me out if a loved one does it.

Now, at the same time, I know that it's not a problem for other people and couples. I usually see this when both parties tend to be liars. They just call each other out and understand one another.
 
I think I know what you are talking about. It is so common in the military...nowadays everywhere pretty much.

Anyway, have you considered the possibility that he is torn? In that, he really, really, really wants you but really wants the issue as well? Lying is a way for him to try and maintain both.

This is a common thing with men/women who have this issue. It is like any other struggle. You want something else more, but the other thing has such a pull on you that you convince yourself you can get away with it?

I would strongly advise that if you can't work it out, don't marry him. You can search the internet...so many dissatisfied wives out there. He doesn't stop, he just gets better at hiding it.

Sometimes you just can't change someone.

Also, have you considered finding him someone else to hold him accountable? It is hard for him to fess up to you because he knows you will be upset. He needs someone to report to that won't be upset. Preferably someone of the same sex who will understand exactly where he is coming from. The problem is, that is hard to find. Most men, will think YOU are the one with a problem and he is perfectly fine. Also, he would have to be trustworthy enough to pick someone who would truly keep him in line.

But I get you...when he won't even try and fess up to you and you know already...it will be tough.

Best of luck.
 
vivmaiko said:
I think I know what you are talking about. It is so common in the military...nowadays everywhere pretty much.

Anyway, have you considered the possibility that he is torn? In that, he really, really, really wants you but really wants the issue as well? Lying is a way for him to try and maintain both.

This is a common thing with men/women who have this issue. It is like any other struggle. You want something else more, but the other thing has such a pull on you that you convince yourself you can get away with it?

I would strongly advise that if you can't work it out, don't marry him. You can search the internet...so many dissatisfied wives out there. He doesn't stop, he just gets better at hiding it.

Sometimes you just can't change someone.

Also, have you considered finding him someone else to hold him accountable? It is hard for him to fess up to you because he knows you will be upset. He needs someone to report to that won't be upset. Preferably someone of the same sex who will understand exactly where he is coming from. The problem is, that is hard to find. Most men, will think YOU are the one with a problem and he is perfectly fine. Also, he would have to be trustworthy enough to pick someone who would truly keep him in line.

But I get you...when he won't even try and fess up to you and you know already...it will be tough.

Best of luck.
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Thanks. I think you know good and well the issue.

Problem is I have no beef with the issue, so I don't see why he has to act so shady about it. I would really just like him to be more open about it. Stop acting like you're so guilty, because NOW you're making me not like you when that issue comes up. We've never shared that issue with others because most of my male friends know how I am so they know I'm not tripping. He knows I'm not tripping, but he does things regarding it to make me trip.

Accountability? Well I have something I have been planning to do that I only put off out of respect for him. Since he doesn't get it, he'll get a dose of his own medicine when I am through.
 
vivmaiko said:
I think I know what you are talking about. It is so common in the military...nowadays everywhere pretty much.

Anyway, have you considered the possibility that he is torn? In that, he really, really, really wants you but really wants the issue as well? Lying is a way for him to try and maintain both.

This is a common thing with men/women who have this issue. It is like any other struggle. You want something else more, but the other thing has such a pull on you that you convince yourself you can get away with it?

I would strongly advise that if you can't work it out, don't marry him. You can search the internet...so many dissatisfied wives out there. He doesn't stop, he just gets better at hiding it.

Sometimes you just can't change someone.

Also, have you considered finding him someone else to hold him accountable? It is hard for him to fess up to you because he knows you will be upset. He needs someone to report to that won't be upset. Preferably someone of the same sex who will understand exactly where he is coming from. The problem is, that is hard to find. Most men, will think YOU are the one with a problem and he is perfectly fine. Also, he would have to be trustworthy enough to pick someone who would truly keep him in line.

But I get you...when he won't even try and fess up to you and you know already...it will be tough.

Best of luck.
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im curious to know what is so common in the military, im in the military and NONE of my friends in the military seem to have this issue
 
I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn out the way you want them too. I have nothing more to add b/c as you well know I'm no expert when it come to relationships. but I wanted you to kno that you have my support.
 
Michiko said:
im curious to know what is so common in the military, im in the military and NONE of my friends in the military seem to have this issue
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:lol:
i'm sorry but the way you worded this made me laugh.

Lauryndoll I wish you both well in working this issue out together with your FH. :kiss:
 
I hope he's not a pathological liar, I'm kind of confused about what he's lying about.
But pathological liars are a whole other story and HEADACHE!
 
Michiko said:
im curious to know what is so common in the military, im in the military and NONE of my friends in the military seem to have this issue
Click to expand...

The thing is this "issue" is considered by many people as not being an "issue" at all. That's why no one may seem to have it.
 
vivmaiko said:
The thing is this "issue" is considered by many people as not being an "issue" at all. That's why no one may seem to have it.
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Exactly. I don't see it as an issue either. His whole steez changed about it from the moment we started co-habitating when we were so open about it before.
 
NYAmicas said:
I hope he's not a pathological liar, I'm kind of confused about what he's lying about.
But pathological liars are a whole other story and HEADACHE!
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No he's not a pathological liar. I think he was okay with the issue as we were dating, but as wwe got more serious he probably feels it's something that isn't conducive to a good relationship so he lies about it.

I think he's extremely ambivalent and undecided about the issue. . . Like he would like to be okay as is, but his spirit won't let him while he's in a relationship.

He knows how pissed I am... and he's been busting butt trying to show me how sorry he is. I've never seen him try so hard (not that I need him to show me, I want this issue worked out).

I am very willing to work through this, but like I said, I need him to come clean with what he needs to assist him in dealing with or eradicating the issue! If he wants to get rid of the issue- I will eradicate it too, because otherwise I am a stumbling block, but if he doesn't... then we need to work something out.



And military folks are regular people. Problems can range from drinking, smoking and porn to all types of stuff.
 
Yall got me over here thinking of what I've learned from Army Wives and trying to guess it:look:

Anyway, Lauryn I hate being lied to as well and I hope yall resolve the issue before he leaves because I know how much that's bothering you.
 
MahoganyButtafly said:
Yall got me over here thinking of what I've learned from Army Wives and trying to guess it:look:

Anyway, Lauryn I hate being lied to as well and I hope yall resolve the issue before he leaves because I know how much that's bothering you.
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Thanks girl. He's been on some new stuff all week trying to get my attention back. He knows that what he's doing only scratches the surface.

We have several months before his deployment and depending on where my weight it, it can be 4-8 months if I go to basic myself.

All relationships have struggles, and I can go through almost anything with someone, but I will not tolerate a lie. He knows what happened to my ex.

I dated someone who I discovered would lie for no reason. Instead of confronting the dude, I up and left. Dude still tried to contact me- very recently at that.

I'm just grateful his problem is not seriously DEEP as in irrecoverable... and that I can understand WHY he would lie. I'm just not accepting it. You either want Luscious Lauryn or your House of Mirrors... choose wisely Neo. :rolleyes:

I haven't seen Army wives in a minute.
 
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