So I am a relationship killer.. Duh, why didnt I realize this

[andrea]

I am going through a slow agonizing break up with the man that I just knew was the one... So, I had a conversation with my ex boyfriend today.. The one who sent me to counseling(I think I wasted the money, cause I didnt learn a dang thang, just went right out and did the same thing in the next relationship)... So, I am quite embarrassed to share what our common complaints between the 2 guys who are very different...

Let me also say that.. While I both of them had a part in the demise of our relationship.. I want to talk responsibilty for me and work through my part. so I do not go out and repeat the same thing a 3rd. 4th time.. I really do not know where to start so here it goes..

1. I am controlling
2. I only hear what I want to hear
3. I play the victim
4. Once I am hurt or angry, I say I forgive but I constantly bring it up and use it against them
5. I tend to only want to say what I think is important and how I feel, not listening to another person
6. I emasculate both of them or at least that is what they say.
7. I start out encouraging and supportive
8. I use personal things that they have told me against them in an argument..( I will say that some of the things that come out of my mouth I do not even realize I am saying it)


Ok. That sums it up. I know I am so embarrassed.. I know I was probably raised better then this.. I don't know if it is insecurity, if it is a low self esteem.. I know as a child I really felt like my mommy chose her relationship with my stepdad over me.. I mean we lived in the same house. I got everything I wanted financially.. Sometimes I just wanted a Hug... I actually feel like that sometimes now.. "I just want a Hug"

Sometimes I wonder if its that I just do not know how to love a black man or any man for that matter..

I will say that in my last relationship there was a little betrayal (not another woman, just some untruths) that I thought I could get over and I thought I did but its like once I was aware of them, I lost respect for him.. So, I guess maybe I justified that as a way to say whatever I wanted and treat him any kind away..

So, with both guys they paint this picture of only wanting to be with me but me making it hard and creating an environment where they feel disrespected. like less of a man, unhappy and not encouraged. Here is the weird thing, it's like I didnt realize that was what is happening..


Bottom Line: I need help and I don't know where to start? Oh and give it to me straight no chaser...

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I'm glad you're now OPEN to learning.

I cannot TELL you about yourself; you have to tell YOU about yourself.

Iyanla Vazant has helped me to open my eyes a few times, especially when it comes to relationships and the actions of others and my effect on people.

I would suggest you leaf through her books, especially the Value in the Valley ( I think that's what it's called, but it has valley in it)... as well as meditate on how it would feel to be married and in a relationship with yourself. Meditate hard and think back, and you can find that clarity.

If you learn that certain things which shatter trust cannot allow you to restore the relationship to a healthy level and you cannot deal with it, then you have to learn to either fix it, or accept that this is a part of who you are and let the relationship go when it happens.

I suck at advice giving, but hope that helps!

 

[SoUKnoMe]

Good post OP. We all have things that we don't see until someone honestly points them out.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but know the best that you can to correct those things that you can.

Again thanks for sharing. I too can use it as a mirror for myself.

(((HUG)))

 

[BrooklynSouth]

You seem to be headed in the right direction...you realize what you do not like about yourself in relationships and that's a golden first step:getting to know who you are.

 

[Irresistible]

Its just a HUGE step to look at yourself, funny I was thinking when I read ur issues , that sounds like a man, but now that YOU have said this it made me realize anyone is capable and maybe thats my issue with how I percieve men, so that made me look at something too

you know the best start is if your a believer is to pray, pray that God helps you heal from old wounds and heals fears so that you can walk in and recieve a higher love for yourelf and others

it might take some time and work, but it can be done

that other thread about 'calling in the one' seems like a good book for you to try

I am going through a slow agonizing break up with the man that I just knew was the one... So, I had a conversation with my ex boyfriend today.. The one who sent me to counseling(I think I wasted the money, cause I didnt learn a dang thang, just went right out and did the same thing in the next relationship)... So, I am quite embarrassed to share what our common complaints between the 2 guys who are very different...

Let me also say that.. While I both of them had a part in the demise of our relationship.. I want to talk responsibilty for me and work through my part. so I do not go out and repeat the same thing a 3rd. 4th time.. I really do not know where to start so here it goes..

1. I am controlling
2. I only hear what I want to hear
3. I play the victim
4. Once I am hurt or angry, I say I forgive but I constantly bring it up and use it against them
5. I tend to only want to say what I think is important and how I feel, not listening to another person
6. I emasculate both of them or at least that is what they say.
7. I start out encouraging and supportive
8. I use personal things that they have told me against them in an argument..( I will say that some of the things that come out of my mouth I do not even realize I am saying it)


Ok. That sums it up. I know I am so embarrassed.. I know I was probably raised better then this.. I don't know if it is insecurity, if it is a low self esteem.. I know as a child I really felt like my mommy chose her relationship with my stepdad over me.. I mean we lived in the same house. I got everything I wanted financially.. Sometimes I just wanted a Hug... I actually feel like that sometimes now.. "I just want a Hug"

Sometimes I wonder if its that I just do not know how to love a black man or any man for that matter..

I will say that in my last relationship there was a little betrayal (not another woman, just some untruths) that I thought I could get over and I thought I did but its like once I was aware of them, I lost respect for him.. So, I guess maybe I justified that as a way to say whatever I wanted and treat him any kind away..

So, with both guys they paint this picture of only wanting to be with me but me making it hard and creating an environment where they feel disrespected. like less of a man, unhappy and not encouraged. Here is the weird thing, it's like I didnt realize that was what is happening..


Bottom Line: I need help and I don't know where to start? Oh and give it to me straight no chaser...

 

[Keen]

I just want to say that recognizing that you share the blame for some of your pass relationship is great progress towards learning from your mistakes.

 

[firecracker]

The first move is acknowledging the issues and a willingness to change. You may have type A personality traits that you could work on but your not a relationship killer.

Those dudes probably didn't like you telling them the truth when it was appropriate after they did something.

Not saying you should not listen or take heed to some of their shared issues or complaints. Good luck on your road to self discovery and change. Its easier to stay the same so I commend you for being up to the challenge.

 

[andrea]

Thank you guys.. I know, It was kinda eye opening at first for me. I was like wow.. WTH? But I am going to get the book Calling on the one to start.... I am also going to take sometime for myself..

Whats funny is that before my last relationship not the one I am in now but the one where my boyfriend told me today about me.. I thought I had realized what made me tick.. So, I knew this relationship was going to be different.. Then some of the same things happen and whew.. It was like I never had the first one...

I really want to have a productive, constructive, cherishing, nurturing relationship...

 

[andrea]

Those dudes probably didn't like you telling them the truth when it was appropriate after they did something.

:

Right but I guess I have to work on how I say it..

 

[firecracker]

Right but I guess I have to work on how I say it..

yeah we gotta stroke the ego and watch the delivery. I think you will be fine now that your aware of some of your tendencies.

 

[PoeticJustice]

I agree with the other ladies. I commend you for first being so open and honest. I do believe from this point out, you will be more aware of your actions and the delivery will be different, in essence your environment will be a more positive and rewarding one.

I had a problem with hearing only what I wanted, bringing up the past and not actively listening to the other. Just kinda "letting him speak and get it out the way" so I can say my part. Because I recognized afterward, I worked on it. I worked on actively listening and making a conscious effort to compromise.

Take this time and get to know Andrea again. It's important before jumping into another relationship. This also helps on any insecurity or low self-esteem too. I know you don't want to repeat the same patterns you had in the previous relationship.

When you are in another relationship, take it slow. Pay attention to the vibe and energy you have with him. It's a difference between acceptance and dealing with baggage on his part, so don't take on too much in a relationship too soon when you don't owe him anyting... you know?

But overall, really I commend you. You've already taken the first step of acknowledgement. Some people are still stuck on placing the blame on everyone else but themselves.

 

[Kiadodie]

That’s funny because me & my ex-friend had dinner last week and he let some things off his chest. He told me that it seemed to him that I had boundaries with my relationships. He said he never got the impression from me that he could really spend time with me and see me frequently. He also said that I wasn’t an open person. Get this, he asked me if I liked a challenge??? Also, he asked me do I get bored w/ people quickly. I asked him did he feel that I got bored with him and he said yes!
I felt like an open book being read. It was horrible so I know how you feel.

Honestly, I’ve heard these things before in the past from others. Hearing this though really made me feel bad.

So I’m still praying and working on myself. I can really say I’ve gotten better w/ my fears of intimacy. It takes work and little by little you can get better. I’m finally starting to attract better, quality men into my life so I see things around me are changing, thanks to God & LOA.

 

[LivingDoll]

I've learned that the old cliche is true...you can't make someone else happy until you are happy with yourself. It took me many years, many heartaches and failed relationships to truly understand that. I exhibited a lot of the same behavior you mentioned and it scared men to death. Partly because I have a strong personality, partly because I was insecure and unhappy with me.

I agree with some of the other ladies that you need to take some time to sort things out, reflect on your past behaviors, work on changing them for the better and improving your overall relationship with yourself. You made the first step when you decided not to be the victim but to take accountability for your actions.

 

[gone_fishing]

You are not alone. While I'll probably get lynched for saying this, I've heard black men describe their relationships with black women in this fashion an inumerable amount of times. It's very disheartening. I'll say black women even though someone will invariably come in here and argue that pink purple yellow green women are like this too (and I know this) - because I don't have enough experience listening to black men talk about their relationships with white women to make a comparison.

I just note that you are not alone by a long shot. A lot of us have these issues and most of us probably do at least one of the things you described.

At least - AT LEAST - you acknowledge you have a part in the problem. I've seen so many women in failed relationships and they never realize their common denominator is themselves - even if their only fault is just plain picking bad partners.

You have come to a realization about yourself and now is the time to act on it. And you might do your best to refrain from future relationships until you can figure out why you tend to kill the relationships.

I personally believe that a lot of the things you just pointed out in your original post are apart of the negative impacts (although there are a lot of positive impacts) that the feminist movement has had on our generations. We have learned how NOT to treat our men like men. We want to wear the pants and make the decisions but we still want them to open the door for us and pull out or chairs and defend our honor. We went beyond just asking for equal treatment and many women have become outright tyrants refusing to let men behave as men and assume their natural position in a relationship. This is all assuming that the men you have been seeing are worth their weight in gold.

I bet being a male in this world is very confusing now because we have emasculated a lot of them and although we talk about how men won't "act" like men...it's "us" that are raising them in this feminist society so where do we think they got it from?

 

[ElizaBlue]

You are not alone. While I'll probably get lynched for saying this, I've heard black men describe their relationships with black women in this fashion an inumerable amount of times. It's very disheartening. I'll say black women even though someone will invariably come in here and argue that pink purple yellow green women are like this too (and I know this) - because I don't have enough experience listening to black men talk about their relationships with white women to make a comparison.

I just note that you are not alone by a long shot. A lot of us have these issues and most of us probably do at least one of the things you described.

At least - AT LEAST - you acknowledge you have a part in the problem. I've seen so many women in failed relationships and they never realize their common denominator is themselves - even if their only fault is just plain picking bad partners.

You have come to a realization about yourself and now is the time to act on it. And you might do your best to refrain from future relationships until you can figure out why you tend to kill the relationships.

I personally believe that a lot of the things you just pointed out in your original post are apart of the negative impacts (although there are a lot of positive impacts) that the feminist movement has had on our generations. We have learned how NOT to treat our men like men. We want to wear the pants and make the decisions but we still want them to open the door for us and pull out or chairs and defend our honor. We went beyond just asking for equal treatment and many women have become outright tyrants refusing to let men behave as men and assume their natural position in a relationship. This is all assuming that the men you have been seeing are worth their weight in gold.

I bet being a male in this world is very confusing now because we have emasculated a lot of them and although we talk about how men won't "act" like men...it's "us" that are raising them in this feminist society so where do we think they got it from?

Wow...that is so true and really deep water. Not many are going to be willing to jump in the deep end with you. I'm going to take that plunge.

I agree with everything you said. And Andrea I applaud you for bearing your heart and soul in such a raw and untethered way. I have found that this site is full of women like Adequate and yourself and me too. And that's what I meant when I said the way you share your knowledge with us will come back to you. When you have it and I need, it's there.

I just think that is what being sister's is about. It's a beautiful thing. Now that said, I have a very unpopular opinion about our black men. I think, that when a man becomes involved in a relationship he knows exactly the kind of woman he's dealing with because it's what he looking for.

They want a woman who is strong, independent able to handle her own. Then when they get one she's suddenly controlling, domineering and talks to them disrespectfully.

I'm not saying all those characteristics come in the same personality...all the time. But they are often associated. The same traits that get us to be independent have to stem from controlling our own environments. Being the dominant one in our homes allows us to make sure the bills are paid on time, that the items that need to be fixed get serviced on time.

Those are the same traits that allow men who don't want a lot of responsibility to exist in a relationship where they can trust they if they don't do it, it will still get done. It forces us to continue to "raise" them becuase while we love them we know they are not dependable to the point that we can relax and trust that everything will still get done.

Andrea, I'm not saying we don't all have work to do, because that would not be true. As a species, as a gender, as personalities we are forever evolving. This evolution should always be to become a better person. A higher being.

As to speaking to a man in a way that he feels he's being demeaned or disrespected. To that I say try this. We as women tend to verbalize our anger. It's unlikely a man would appreciate our anger manifesting itself the way another male would because then instead of yelling or using our tongue like a knife we would be just clubbing them over the head.

I have learned that while men may often act like children we should not talk to them as such. And the way I manage that is by just not talking at all until I can control my tone and context. I make agreements early on in relationships...look I have a really really sharp tongue.

In order for you not to be cut by it lets agree that if I am angry, which we all get at some time or another. I just won't talk about it until I can have a respectful discussion about it with you. If a person presses me to talk when I'm teed off then there is no telling what I might say. I recognize the devils that dwell in me. I battle them constantly, they do not enjoy a peaceful co-existence in my spirit. But it does not mean they are not there.

Andrea, the first step to healing/changing is always recognition and awareness of what you are dealing with and who you are as a person. You are well on your way to being the best you can be. Given a relationship where the man does his part, there will be no room for those traits the other's listed. There will be very little for you to control, dictate, or mother. You'll be too busy having fun.

 

[Cloud06]

Reading all you have said, you remind me of myself, or I could remind you of me, however you would like to call it. All those things you have listed I have issues with as well, in that exact order, when it comes to relationships and I have also felt what you have in the relationship you say you had with your parents (how do you ask the ppl who say they love you the most for a hug?) It should be a given. I think those issues make us who we are. If you're not happy with yourself don't beat yourself up about, do something about it. Self realization is the first step now you begin the real transformation. I still have a lot of work to do but I take time for myself and pray and everyday and I am learning something new about myself 24/7. I was always taught that when you feel bad try focusing on something or someone else who needs, other than yourself. The more we try to bring joy to others we pay it forward and eventually we can feel better about ourselves because we focus less on our unhappiness. I've realized that everyone has issues and there's a reason why they are the way they are but we gain more wisdom from our relationships through ppl.
So praises to you for sharing and opening up and know that you are only human and you are allowed to make mistakes. I pray that I meet a man who can put up with my problems while I am on this journey to self peace.

 

[andrea]

I just think that is what being sister's is about. It's a beautiful thing. Now that said, I have a very unpopular opinion about our black men. I think, that when a man becomes involved in a relationship he knows exactly the kind of woman he's dealing with because it's what he looking for.

They want a woman who is strong, independent able to handle her own. Then when they get one she's suddenly controlling, domineering and talks to them disrespectfully.

I'm not saying all those characteristics come in the same personality...all the time. But they are often associated. The same traits that get us to be independent have to stem from controlling our own environments. Being the dominant one in our homes allows us to make sure the bills are paid on time, that the items that need to be fixed get serviced on time.

Those are the same traits that allow men who don't want a lot of responsibility to exitist in a relationship where they can trust they if they don't do it, it will still get done. It forces us to continue to "raise" them becuase while we love them we know they are not dependable to the point that we can relax and trust that everything will still get done.

Andrea, I'm not saying we don't all have work to do, because that would not be true. As a species, as a gender, as personalities we are forever evolving. This evolution should always be to become a better person. A higher being.

As to speaking to a man in a way that he feels he's being demeaned or disrespected. To that I say try this. We as women tend to verbalize our anger. It's unlikely a man would appreciate our anger manifesting itself the way another male would because then instead of yelling or using our tongue like a knife we would be just clubbing them over the head.

I have learned that while men may often act like children we should not talk to them as such. And the way I manage that is by just not talking at all until I can control my tone and context. I make agreements early on in relationships...look I have a really really sharp tongue.

In order for you not to be cut by it lets agree that if I am angry, which we all get at some time or another. I just won't talk about it until I can have a respectful discussion about it with you. If a person presses me to talk when I'm teed off then there is no telling what I might say. I recognize the devils that dwell in me. I battle them constantly, they do not enjoy a peaceful co-existence in my spirit. But it does not mean they are not there.

Andrea, the first step to healing/changing is always recognition and awareness of what you are dealing with and who you are as a person. You are well on your way to being the best you can be. Given a relationship where the man does his part, there will be no room for those traits the other's listed. There will be very little for you to control, dictate, or mother. You'll be too busy having fun.

You have so hit the nail on the head in so many ways.. What is really funny about my current SO... Is that he has made the comment to before of course in an argument that I am soo like his ex-wife.. I want to say, No f**** kidding we are basically the same woman.. We we have a lot of similarities, except I am loyal and I do not cheat under any circumstances, also I am not as vindictive and I am certainly not physical .. Anyway, we are quite similar.. He was devastated when they divorced. So, I kinda know he knew what he was getting into.

Anyway, It is the way that I am that attracts them to me in the first place. I am not saying it is right but they know I don't play with my responsibilites, or really anything for that matter..

I really think it is a Black Man/ Black Woman relationship or a Strong Woman/ I am a Strong Man relationship thing because before my last 2 SO. I have never had this said, certainly never had such intense arguments. I dated the same guy for years until I decided I was to young to get married. Now back then, this is before I moved to the A.. My Co-workers and Friends would call me Miss. United Nations. The men I dated were rarely black or at least they were bi-racial.. That is why I said maybe I do not know how to treat a Black Man.

Eliza, I have yet to learn the fine art of walking away and not saying a word.. I wish I did, I really thought that before this relationship I had made leap years of improvement from that last one. I have always been pretty happy with me.. I love me.. I am my biggest fan..

However, when I feel betrayed, it is totally a different story.. The words just fly out my mouth. I think where I made a mistake in this last relationship is that before my SO and I started dating seriously. We talked at length about what we were looking for in a relationship, what mistakes we made that we do not want to repeat, what we learned from our last relationship about ourselves, how we wanted this relationship to be different...

So knowing that I was happy with the way things were going. I was head over heels in love (I am not quite as talented as Eliza with the words) anyway he was the one. So, I basked in that for a very long time, things were as perfect as perfect could be for us.. Then we hit a snag and it is like I forgot all the work that I did on myself.. I guess I got comfortable and forgot to apply all those well meaning lessons in our relationship.. I mean he did to but I can only be responsible for me.

Sometimes I think if I could just turn back the clock or if I could have just got a glimpse into the future things would be so different.. I can relate it to learning how to do something new, you read the books, watch the video and then the moment it is time to put into to practice. You go blank.. I did self discovery, so much work on me.. All to go blank when I needed it the most..

Even though the current relationship I am in now is probably broken beyond repair I still feel like this he is the one that I have always wanted to be with.. He was my one for me.. Reading Eliza's Story brings back so many memories that at times I stop reading cause it is soo real to me.. (Thats how you know you got talent when the reader feels like they are there).. I think that is probably why he is holding on to me. for the same reason.. He has said several times before that " You made me believe in Love again, I have heard him say it to his mom " That he was sure he would never get married again" Sometimes, I wish we could part ways and then after a minute, come back and try it again.. I just think to him, He will never be able to forget the words I have said to him"

You guys give such great advice.. Who needs sisters when I have you guys.. J/k.. But I am the only girl

Ya'll are sooo great..

 

[gone_fishing]

bumping because i think it's an interesting topic

 

[blackbarbie]

Andrea (love that name; it's my first name!)
Girl if that's the case, then we are ALL relationship killers b/c I am sure there is no one here that got it right the first time (or maybe even the 2nd or 3rd time for that matter). I mean, for the most part, each relationship we get into, most of us go into it thinking "this is the one" and none of us plan on those things that put a damper on our last relationship to come back and haunt us in our present relationship, now do we?

I say that to say that you are doing something a lot of people don't do and that is recognizing the problem. A lot of people would take their baggage from relationship to relationship to relationship and by the time they possibly get to the one (relationship) where all the variables are there for a good relationship, they are soooo tired from carrying all the previous baggage that they don't put forth the effort and the relationship usually quickly takes a turn for the worst.

I would say before you take the baggage into the next relationship, take some time for you and focus on you! Don't you love spending time with the person you love the most? YOU! Yes YOU!!!! Yes, that's YOU I'm talking about girl!!!!

I applaud you for coming to the realization that you need to get some things in order and you have even taken it a step further to identify "why" you feel the way you feel about some things. I would say also take the time to realize the factors that would make you feel differently about those things, time to realize what would change your mindset on some things.

Good luck!