bellatiamarie
Well-Known Member
The end of another year is approaching and nothing has changed...
Single Christian Women's Support - THE REMIX!
- Thread starter Glib Gurl
- Start date
The end of another year is approaching and nothing has changed...
Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
The end of another year is approaching and nothing has changed...
When a seed is planted, it doesn't sprout right away. There is a lot going on beneath the surface. You never know what seeds you planted this year and how soon you will reap a harvest. Don't get discouraged
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
I have recently joined an active group that combines service, faith, etc. They do service activities, book clubs, masses, etc.
Great, my friend attended a retreat for singles the other day. His marital status is single but he is in a committed relationship. He said that a lot of persons attended with the hope of finding other Catholic singles. I mentally kicked myself for not thinking of this earlier.
Anyway all of that was to say that I'm not in total agreement with giving up on marriage and being with "the one".
Of course it's a personal choice and none of my business lol. But if you're open to other options, maybe joining groups in your church & parish. You may not meet the guy but you may meet his mom/friend/coworker etc.
Eta: I met with my priest the other day and he mentioned wanting me to take a more active role in the groups in the church. Especially those that deals with the background running of the church. I'm pretty active as it is and anything more I might as well be living in there lol. Maybe the message was for me to share ? I'm not sure
movingforward
Moving forward and onward
I heard Indie Arie "I'm ready for love". I wasn't ready for the attack of emotions that came from no where.
Maybe it's time I'm proactive in this area of my life.
Maybe it's time I'm proactive in this area of my life.
Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
Ladies, I went to a singles retreat last year and after the retreat, 1 girl met her guy in Sept 2014 and got engaged in February 2015. One girl met a guy 4 months ago and they just got engaged. When it's God's timing it happens, especially if we are on board and staying in the right place mentally and spiritually. The first girl is young but the 2nd woman is probably in her 40s and heavy set. There is a potential someone for everyone.
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AnjelLuvs
Well-Known Member
Which is why I avoid my LOVE playlist, this song has a 5 star rating so it shows up so much at wrong tim... ALways takes me there, since inception, Lol
ItsMeLilLucky
NotLucky no mo' just blessed.
Ladies, I have a question: Do you think what has happened to when you were younger impacts your dating (life? career? I am not sure which word is appropriate lol)?
I never knew why older men were always attracted to me. Until now (it literally just hit me). Oh man...I'm about to reveal something really personal right now, but *inhale* *exhale* My uncle molested me when I was 10 (he molested a bunch of other folks in my family, but that's a story for another time). And it seems like that's the connection, that's why older men seem so attracted to me. Maybe I'm reaching, but that is what it feels like.
I never knew why older men were always attracted to me. Until now (it literally just hit me). Oh man...I'm about to reveal something really personal right now, but *inhale* *exhale* My uncle molested me when I was 10 (he molested a bunch of other folks in my family, but that's a story for another time). And it seems like that's the connection, that's why older men seem so attracted to me. Maybe I'm reaching, but that is what it feels like.
Lucia
Well-Known Member
@whosthatcurl
That's horrible I'm so sorry that happened but you've survived and are living testimony. I think that the patterns established in childhood affect every area of our lives. But it's also our duty as adults to recognize any negative patterns as you have and break those negative patterns in our lives ASAP.
That's horrible I'm so sorry that happened but you've survived and are living testimony. I think that the patterns established in childhood affect every area of our lives. But it's also our duty as adults to recognize any negative patterns as you have and break those negative patterns in our lives ASAP.
Divine.
Well-Known Member
@whosthatcurl Absolutely! I always felt like my parents didn't love me when I was younger. So when I got old enough to date, I chased love down. I just wanted someone to care about me. I became codependent and attracted men who did not want relationships. I stayed in those relationships because I wanted them to want to be with me.
ItsMeLilLucky
NotLucky no mo' just blessed.
Lord Jesus in Heaven. Help me to keep a lid on my anger, because these new neighbors in the front of our building play their music so loud that I can hear it clearly in the back of building where I am. Jesus be a pair of headphones because I can't afford to move right now 
ItsMeLilLucky
NotLucky no mo' just blessed.
Lord Jesus in Heaven. Help me to keep a lid on my anger, because these new neighbors in the front of our building play their music so loud that I can hear it clearly in the back of building where I am. Jesus be a pair of headphones because I can't afford to move right now
nlamr2013
Well-Known Member
booooo I had this extra thoughtful drawn out reply and somehow erased it anywho
Im so sorry that happened to you. To not have his actions affect your future you must forgive him and set yourself free.
Yes my father and father's family(because they were upset with my dad) rejected me and now I will avoid any scenario where there's even a possibly I could be rejected. As you could imagine that is problematic. Lol
As far as my singleness I have been feeling a pull lately I'm not sure if it's age, the weather (the cooler months make me feel lonely always have) or the fact that I pulled away from all is my close friends (it was necessary) something has me picturing Mt hubby and our big headed children and being a part time home maker it's new and a little unexpected because I know I'm not where I need to be to have the proper biblical marriage
Lucia
Well-Known Member
Lord Jesus in Heaven. Help me to keep a lid on my anger, because these new neighbors in the front of our building play their music so loud that I can hear it clearly in the back of building where I am. Jesus be a pair of headphones because I can't afford to move right now
Ignore them or put your own music on not blasting but enough to drown their music out.
whosthatgurl
here.... but i'm not here
Had a wonderful day today, received a great prophesy concerning my life as it relates to marriage, and yet I'm sad because of this person that I was interested in will not communicate back with me.
I'm sad and confused. And mad that I let my guard down this easily. He seems like a great guy. I just don't understand sometimes.
I'm sad and confused. And mad that I let my guard down this easily. He seems like a great guy. I just don't understand sometimes.
Lucia
Well-Known Member
Ok I need to vent 
I read the Ishmael post several times a couple pages up very insightful and on point.
Now my thing is where does that leave the good girls, the Christian girls who have dedicated themselves to living the way Christ would like is to live, the women who don't stay doing the most just to have or keep a man?
It's like men are thinking oh well Girl A will cook clean have sex, move in with me with no expectations regarding marriage so she Must truly LOVE me.
Where as Girl B won't do all that for me until I marry her so maybe she doesn't love me as much?
It appears as though this is what is going on to me like this is the new standard.
So what can or should we do about it?
I'm not being envious I'm just pointing out what I see every day.
An acquaintance who's been shaked up with her man for a couple of years and has 2 kids with said man recently I should say finally got engaged. Whereas me and friends like me (educated well traveled, Christian etc) are being passed up and not even looked at or considered as catches.
Like the Ishmael post these women sex their way into there marriages and always get their man. But I had a male friend actually say that a woman who didn't "go for hers" meaning do the most for her man (even though there's no commitment) was a punk so I'm not getting this out of thin air.
I read the Ishmael post several times a couple pages up very insightful and on point.
Now my thing is where does that leave the good girls, the Christian girls who have dedicated themselves to living the way Christ would like is to live, the women who don't stay doing the most just to have or keep a man?
It's like men are thinking oh well Girl A will cook clean have sex, move in with me with no expectations regarding marriage so she Must truly LOVE me.
Where as Girl B won't do all that for me until I marry her so maybe she doesn't love me as much?
It appears as though this is what is going on to me like this is the new standard.
So what can or should we do about it?
I'm not being envious I'm just pointing out what I see every day.
An acquaintance who's been shaked up with her man for a couple of years and has 2 kids with said man recently I should say finally got engaged. Whereas me and friends like me (educated well traveled, Christian etc) are being passed up and not even looked at or considered as catches.
Like the Ishmael post these women sex their way into there marriages and always get their man. But I had a male friend actually say that a woman who didn't "go for hers" meaning do the most for her man (even though there's no commitment) was a punk so I'm not getting this out of thin air.
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Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
Ok I need to vent
I read the Ishmael post several times a couple pages up very insightful and on point.
Now my thing is where does that leave the good girls, the Christian girls who have dedicated themselves to living the way Christ would like is to live, the women who don't stay doing the most just to have or keep a man?
It's like men are thinking oh well Girl A will cook clean have sex, move in with me with no expectations regarding marriage so she Must truly LOVE me.
Where as Girl B won't do all that for me until I marry her so maybe she doesn't love me as much?
It appears as though this is what is going on to me like this is the new standard.
So what can or should we do about it?
I'm not being envious I'm just pointing out what I see every day.
An acquaintance who's been shaked up with her man for a couple of years and has 2 kids with said man recently I should say finally got engaged. Whereas me and friends like me (educated well traveled, Christian etc) are being passed up and not even looked at or considered as catches.
Like the Ishmael post these women sex their way into there marriages and always get their man. But I had a male friend actually say that a woman who didn't "go for hers" meaning do the most for her man (even though there's no commitment) was a punk so I'm not getting this out of thin air.
But...you don't want Ishmael. He's not a prize. Just because those girls compromised to get a ring doesn't mean it will be happily ever after. And I'm not wishing ill on them but what a person sows they reap. You don't want that harvest...Keep sowing those beautiful fruits of the spirit that will be ridiculously attractive to a man who is rooted in God. Don't. Give. Up.
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Lucia
Well-Known Member
Good prayer reposting
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://sheismore.com/the-husband-list-12-non-negotiables/
The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables
by Kristen Dalton Wolfe on October 24, 2013 in Love
Many people use the fact that God already knows the desires of our hearts as an excuse not to pray. Although, he does know them, he still commands us to, “in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. In the book of Mark, a blind man had his friends take him to Jesus to be healed for his eyesight. Yet when he got in front of Jesus, even though it was obvious what the blind man wanted, Jesus still asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”
Therefore, even if you have a vision or idea of what your future husband will be like, it is important that you define the specific traits in your life partner. I was in a bible study where we were required to make a “husband list” for homework. It couldn’t just be a short list of the basics. We had to be specific. An example would be, “A man who has a calm temperament and handles stress well.” This may sound silly, but the reason it is important to put the important qualities you desire into writing is to hold you accountable. It also gives you heightened discernment in dating situations.
Let’s be honest ladies, it can be easy to let something slide or dismiss a red flag when a cute guy tells us yummy, fluttery words we want to hear. But is it an ugly situation when we let our hearts get too wrapped up into someone who ultimately doesn’t take care of it. The list keeps your standards in check and can help you quickly discern whether or not that guy gets a second date. It protects your heart against unnecessary wear and tear. In fact, your heart is so important to God that He says, “Above all else, guard your heart for from it flows the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
I encourage each of you to make a husband list too. After I made mine, I met my husband 2 months later and not only was he every single character trait on that list, he was more. But I shouldn’t have been too surprised because, “God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20.
Now, each one of your lists is going to have unique things according to who you are, your quirks, likes and dislikes. But there are some fundamental traits that God wants to be non-negotiables. Choosing who you will partner the rest of your life with is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Too many young women are settling for less than God’s best because they don’t know exactly how He expects His daughters to be treated. Based on scripture, here is a list of non-negotiables for you so you don’t have to second guess anymore.
1. He is a practicing believer.
“Do not be yoked together with an unbeliever…For what agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?” 2 Corinthians 6:14-16. Issues and conflict are bound to rise in marriage, so it is crucial that there is a common foundation on which to hold the marriage accountable. The last thing you want to be fighting about is your faith, whether or not to pray and your viewpoints on religion. Believe me, I’ve been there before. It is exhausting.
2. God is the center of his life.
He seeks God’s wisdom in all the decisions he makes.
“With wisdom are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity. My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver.” Proverbs 8:18-19
3. He has integrity and does not put himself in tempting situations.
He guards you against harm and protects the relationship. “Keep to a path far from evil, do not go near the door of that house, lest you give your best strength to others.” Proverbs 5:8-9
4. Seeks mentorship and counsel.
It is important that your man is wise in realizing he can’t carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. When he is surrounded by men who are older than him who can offer advice, prayer and mentorship, he can be a better husband to you. “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
5. He is slow to anger.
There is peace in knowing your man holds an even temperament even when he is provoked. A man who allows his feelings, emotions and anger to determine his actions typically has tarnished relationships and is not a healthy place for you or a family. “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18
6. He holds strong conviction on the sacredness of fidelity.
A man is wise when he understand that infidelity and looking for pleasure outside of the marriage only brings strife. God actually calls him to rejoice over you all of his days. “May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth…May you be ever captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?” Proverbs 5:18-20.
7. He is honorable of your heart and emotional well-being.
I hated when a guy I was dating exposed my embarrassing moments or the private matters of our relationship with his friends. Picking on you may seem cute and funny at first, but it will get old after a while. You should feel honored and safe knowing you can always trust your husband to cover and speak well of you. “Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers,” Proverbs 5:17.
“Love each other deeply because love covers all wrongs.” 1 Peter 4:8.
8. He is disciplined in living a life of integrity.
Watch how he handles temptation or sticky situations that test his character. Does he choose to do what’s right even when no one is watching? It is imperative to observe these things because it will indicate if you can trust his decision making. When you’re married, almost all of his decisions impact you. “He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.” Proverbs 5:23
9. Has solid work ethic.
“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest- and poverty will come upon you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 6:10-11.
10. He pursues and loves you passionately.
The man you marry should make you feel loved like you’ve never felt before. Safe, accepted, desired, nurtured, protected and comforted. Jesus loves us deeply, he loves us so fiercely, that he willingly gave up his life to save us.
Pursues: “So Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days.” Genesis 29:20.
Loves: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25.
11. Romances you.
I know women who feel guilty or wrong for desiring romance in their relationship, as if they don’t deserve it. But God desires for your heart to be romanced, just as He longs to romance us. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” Song of Solomon 1:2
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6.
12. He is humble and can admit when he is wrong.
There is nothing worse than a petty conflict blowing out of porportion because your partner refuses to admit they were wrong. Taking responsibility for his actions and apologizing for his mistakes is the sign of a real man. “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18
No person will be perfect and grace is a beautiful thing that makes relationships flourish. That being said, this list for single ladies is to give a basic framework of character traits to look for or recognize whether or not there is desire for growth. Of course, use common sense when someone amazing walks in to your life but wasn’t exactly what you dreamed up. God surprises us, but always gives us what we need.
“For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband…” 2 Corinthians 11:2.
Ultimately, your divine Father wants you to be treated in a way that it is compared with how Christ cares for us. It is up to us though to believe we are worthy, set the standard, and have the faith that God works in perfect timing to introduce you to your husband.
The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables
by Kristen Dalton Wolfe on October 24, 2013 in Love
Many people use the fact that God already knows the desires of our hearts as an excuse not to pray. Although, he does know them, he still commands us to, “in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. In the book of Mark, a blind man had his friends take him to Jesus to be healed for his eyesight. Yet when he got in front of Jesus, even though it was obvious what the blind man wanted, Jesus still asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”
Therefore, even if you have a vision or idea of what your future husband will be like, it is important that you define the specific traits in your life partner. I was in a bible study where we were required to make a “husband list” for homework. It couldn’t just be a short list of the basics. We had to be specific. An example would be, “A man who has a calm temperament and handles stress well.” This may sound silly, but the reason it is important to put the important qualities you desire into writing is to hold you accountable. It also gives you heightened discernment in dating situations.
Let’s be honest ladies, it can be easy to let something slide or dismiss a red flag when a cute guy tells us yummy, fluttery words we want to hear. But is it an ugly situation when we let our hearts get too wrapped up into someone who ultimately doesn’t take care of it. The list keeps your standards in check and can help you quickly discern whether or not that guy gets a second date. It protects your heart against unnecessary wear and tear. In fact, your heart is so important to God that He says, “Above all else, guard your heart for from it flows the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
I encourage each of you to make a husband list too. After I made mine, I met my husband 2 months later and not only was he every single character trait on that list, he was more. But I shouldn’t have been too surprised because, “God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20.
Now, each one of your lists is going to have unique things according to who you are, your quirks, likes and dislikes. But there are some fundamental traits that God wants to be non-negotiables. Choosing who you will partner the rest of your life with is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Too many young women are settling for less than God’s best because they don’t know exactly how He expects His daughters to be treated. Based on scripture, here is a list of non-negotiables for you so you don’t have to second guess anymore.
1. He is a practicing believer.
“Do not be yoked together with an unbeliever…For what agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?” 2 Corinthians 6:14-16. Issues and conflict are bound to rise in marriage, so it is crucial that there is a common foundation on which to hold the marriage accountable. The last thing you want to be fighting about is your faith, whether or not to pray and your viewpoints on religion. Believe me, I’ve been there before. It is exhausting.
2. God is the center of his life.
He seeks God’s wisdom in all the decisions he makes.
“With wisdom are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity. My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver.” Proverbs 8:18-19
3. He has integrity and does not put himself in tempting situations.
He guards you against harm and protects the relationship. “Keep to a path far from evil, do not go near the door of that house, lest you give your best strength to others.” Proverbs 5:8-9
4. Seeks mentorship and counsel.
It is important that your man is wise in realizing he can’t carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. When he is surrounded by men who are older than him who can offer advice, prayer and mentorship, he can be a better husband to you. “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
5. He is slow to anger.
There is peace in knowing your man holds an even temperament even when he is provoked. A man who allows his feelings, emotions and anger to determine his actions typically has tarnished relationships and is not a healthy place for you or a family. “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18
6. He holds strong conviction on the sacredness of fidelity.
A man is wise when he understand that infidelity and looking for pleasure outside of the marriage only brings strife. God actually calls him to rejoice over you all of his days. “May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth…May you be ever captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?” Proverbs 5:18-20.
7. He is honorable of your heart and emotional well-being.
I hated when a guy I was dating exposed my embarrassing moments or the private matters of our relationship with his friends. Picking on you may seem cute and funny at first, but it will get old after a while. You should feel honored and safe knowing you can always trust your husband to cover and speak well of you. “Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers,” Proverbs 5:17.
“Love each other deeply because love covers all wrongs.” 1 Peter 4:8.
8. He is disciplined in living a life of integrity.
Watch how he handles temptation or sticky situations that test his character. Does he choose to do what’s right even when no one is watching? It is imperative to observe these things because it will indicate if you can trust his decision making. When you’re married, almost all of his decisions impact you. “He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.” Proverbs 5:23
9. Has solid work ethic.
“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest- and poverty will come upon you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 6:10-11.
10. He pursues and loves you passionately.
The man you marry should make you feel loved like you’ve never felt before. Safe, accepted, desired, nurtured, protected and comforted. Jesus loves us deeply, he loves us so fiercely, that he willingly gave up his life to save us.
Pursues: “So Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days.” Genesis 29:20.
Loves: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25.
11. Romances you.
I know women who feel guilty or wrong for desiring romance in their relationship, as if they don’t deserve it. But God desires for your heart to be romanced, just as He longs to romance us. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” Song of Solomon 1:2
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6.
12. He is humble and can admit when he is wrong.
There is nothing worse than a petty conflict blowing out of porportion because your partner refuses to admit they were wrong. Taking responsibility for his actions and apologizing for his mistakes is the sign of a real man. “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18
No person will be perfect and grace is a beautiful thing that makes relationships flourish. That being said, this list for single ladies is to give a basic framework of character traits to look for or recognize whether or not there is desire for growth. Of course, use common sense when someone amazing walks in to your life but wasn’t exactly what you dreamed up. God surprises us, but always gives us what we need.
“For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband…” 2 Corinthians 11:2.
Ultimately, your divine Father wants you to be treated in a way that it is compared with how Christ cares for us. It is up to us though to believe we are worthy, set the standard, and have the faith that God works in perfect timing to introduce you to your husband.
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Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://www.truewoman.com/?id=2651
If God Loves Me Why Am I Not Married?
Darla Wilkinson | 10.17.13
Twitter: @DarlaWilkinson
313
Hindsight really is 20/20. Looking back on my single adult years, I wanted to be a model of grace and patience, trusting God every step of the way. But I wasn't. Not even close!
I married just before turning thirty-three. That's an eternity to some; a drop in the bucket to others. But it was longer than I expected to be on my own. And for large portions of those years angst, sadness, and distrust plagued me.
I felt since God wasn't giving me my greatest desire He didn't notice me, He didn't hear me, He didn't love me. It was a message straight from the father of lies, and I swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
Sure, on the outside I looked good. I faithfully served my church, even moving 3,500 miles away for vocational ministry. But inside, I wanted more. I wanted someone to cherish me above anyone else. Many nights I cried myself to sleep instead of treasuring my Father's presence.
A big reason I missed out on God's peace and joy during my singleness was because I believed a lie. At the time I couldn't describe it. But deep down I felt since God wasn't giving me my greatest desire He didn't notice me, He didn't hear me, He didn't love me. It was a message straight from the father of lies, and I swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
The Truth
The beautiful truth was that the waiting had everything to do with my heavenly Father's love for me. The apostle Paul in Romans 11:33 says the wisdom, knowledge, and ways of God are unsearchable and inscrutable. In other words, He is so great, and we are so small, we can't fully understand all He is doing.
Yet despite the mystery of God's plans for me, one thing was always certain,
"As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him" (Ps. 103:11).
The eyes of my heart couldn't see that nothing came my way (or didn’t come my way!) without passing through the filter of my Father's love. My desire for intimacy, connection, and security trumped my faith in God's love. But, in reality He did hear my cries, and He was for me! (Ps. 56:8–9)
God Never Gives Up
Thankfully, the Lord never stopped pursuing me with this truth. I'd love to say I figured it all out before marriage. Sure, my confidence in God's love grew when He answered my prayer for a husband. But much of this faith developed during trials in marriage. Chronic illness and interrupted plans for children were gifts from the Lord to continue pressing the truth of His grace and love into my heart. Could I believe His Word even when life felt wrong? On my own I couldn't, but over time His gentle, persistent power changed my heart.
God graciously gives you all things that you need in Jesus.
If you are God’s child then this grace is for you, too. You may never know why He is delaying marriage. But, rest assured—even if you never marry—He is not withholding something that would be best for you! He didn't even spare His own Son to save your soul; and He graciously gives you all things that you need in Jesus (Rom. 8:32).
We would love to pray for you. Are you wrestling to believe God's love for you in your singleness?
If God Loves Me Why Am I Not Married?
Darla Wilkinson | 10.17.13
Twitter: @DarlaWilkinson
313
Hindsight really is 20/20. Looking back on my single adult years, I wanted to be a model of grace and patience, trusting God every step of the way. But I wasn't. Not even close!
I married just before turning thirty-three. That's an eternity to some; a drop in the bucket to others. But it was longer than I expected to be on my own. And for large portions of those years angst, sadness, and distrust plagued me.
I felt since God wasn't giving me my greatest desire He didn't notice me, He didn't hear me, He didn't love me. It was a message straight from the father of lies, and I swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
Sure, on the outside I looked good. I faithfully served my church, even moving 3,500 miles away for vocational ministry. But inside, I wanted more. I wanted someone to cherish me above anyone else. Many nights I cried myself to sleep instead of treasuring my Father's presence.
A big reason I missed out on God's peace and joy during my singleness was because I believed a lie. At the time I couldn't describe it. But deep down I felt since God wasn't giving me my greatest desire He didn't notice me, He didn't hear me, He didn't love me. It was a message straight from the father of lies, and I swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
The Truth
The beautiful truth was that the waiting had everything to do with my heavenly Father's love for me. The apostle Paul in Romans 11:33 says the wisdom, knowledge, and ways of God are unsearchable and inscrutable. In other words, He is so great, and we are so small, we can't fully understand all He is doing.
Yet despite the mystery of God's plans for me, one thing was always certain,
"As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him" (Ps. 103:11).
The eyes of my heart couldn't see that nothing came my way (or didn’t come my way!) without passing through the filter of my Father's love. My desire for intimacy, connection, and security trumped my faith in God's love. But, in reality He did hear my cries, and He was for me! (Ps. 56:8–9)
God Never Gives Up
Thankfully, the Lord never stopped pursuing me with this truth. I'd love to say I figured it all out before marriage. Sure, my confidence in God's love grew when He answered my prayer for a husband. But much of this faith developed during trials in marriage. Chronic illness and interrupted plans for children were gifts from the Lord to continue pressing the truth of His grace and love into my heart. Could I believe His Word even when life felt wrong? On my own I couldn't, but over time His gentle, persistent power changed my heart.
God graciously gives you all things that you need in Jesus.
If you are God’s child then this grace is for you, too. You may never know why He is delaying marriage. But, rest assured—even if you never marry—He is not withholding something that would be best for you! He didn't even spare His own Son to save your soul; and He graciously gives you all things that you need in Jesus (Rom. 8:32).
We would love to pray for you. Are you wrestling to believe God's love for you in your singleness?
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Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://matthiasmedia.com/briefing/2013/08/satans-lies-about-singleness/
Satan’s lies about singleness
Emma Thornett | 19 August, 2013
I’m single. I live in Sydney’s east with my two flatmates and my cat. (The crazy-cat-lady litmus test is that you know you’ve become one and you don’t care.) I’m in my late thirties. Many of the struggles that surround singleness are my struggles too: tossing up between living on my own (and being lonely and possibly broke) or living with flatmates (and regularly having to find and get used to new ones); turning up to things on my own all the time; feeling the unvoiced wonderings of friends, who think I’m too fussy, or gay, or weird; feeling surprised and disappointed that I’m not married by now, and wondering what’s wrong with me. I tire of all of those things.
However, I remain convinced that God’s word in the Bible is true, and I am determined to cling to it. My life, my struggles, my circumstances have changed over the years, but God has not. Neither has his word.
So this is a plea to my dear Christian sisters who are single but would love to be married: don’t stop trusting God. Endure through your sadness. Don’t let Satan get to you with his subtle lies, which come from all directions. Don’t find yourself believing them without even realizing it.
(A quick note: I’m deliberately addressing this to women who aren’t married but would like to be. What I say will not apply equally to all single people, so please take whatever you find helpful from this article even if it’s not really written for you.)
Here are just some of the lies Satan tells us all the time.
Lie 1: You’re single because you’re…
You can finish the sentence yourself—just insert your adjective of choice. For me, it varies from ‘fat’ to ‘ugly’ to ‘horrible’, depending on the day. But I can think of so many friends who are beautiful in the world’s eyes, who are lovely, funny, kind, delightful… and single. So many. People of all shapes, sizes and personalities are single, and people of all shapes, sizes and personalities are married. What is attractive to one is not attractive to another. Shape, size, and personality are not why I’m single.
In the Western world at least, more and more people are marrying later in life or not at all. I may be single, but I’m certainly not alone. This isn’t because the human race is producing uglier or more horrible people, but because of a raft of social changes we’ve seen over the past century.
“God is more powerful than our social situations, our looks, our personalities, and our insecurities.”
But God is more powerful than any social force or trend. The fact is that ultimately I’m single because God is in control of everything. He is sovereign. Likewise, those who are married are married because God is sovereign. Those who are widowed are widowed because God is sovereign. God is more powerful than our social situations, our looks, our personalities, and our insecurities.
Lie 2: God is not powerful enough to find you a husband
The older I get, the easier it is to believe this lie (which is closely related to the first). When I was younger, thinner and less cynical, it was easy to imagine that God would send a husband along for me. Who wouldn’t love me? I was amazing back then! But the longer I remain unchosen (and that’s certainly how it feels), the easier it is to think that God’s power can’t reach this part of my life.
But I need to remember that in fact I am not unchosen. God himself has chosen me. And at the risk of stating the obvious, if God can create the universe just by speaking (Genesis 1); if he can cause Pharaoh to let the Israelites go (Exodus 12); if he can raise Jesus Christ from the dead (Luke 24); if he can use the purposes of evil men for his good purposes (Acts 2:22-24); if he can give us new life and change us from people who hate him to people who want to serve him (1 Peter 1); if he can—well, do I need to list every event in the Bible? If God can do all this, then he can find me (and you) a husband, easily.
This doesn’t mean “there’s someone just around the corner for you”, or that God will provide you with a husband. It just means that if you are single it’s not because God is too powerless to marry you off to someone.
Lie 3: You’re single because God does not love you
Most of us know this can’t really be true. We know that God is love (1 John 4:8). We know he sent his own Son to die on the cross for the sins of sinful people. We know all that.
But have we stopped believing it?
Our world is decaying because of sin, and there is sickness, tragedy and sadness everywhere. We have all kinds of reasons to doubt God’s love for us if the only thing we have to go on is what we can see around us. But we are such finite beings. We see so little. We “do not know the work of God who makes everything” (Eccl 11:5). So we must look to the cross. The facts of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ are the same now as they were when we first believed. If God sent his own Son to die that horrific death in your place so that he can be in relationship with you, and if he did this while you were still a sinner (Rom 5:6-11), then maybe you don’t need to doubt his love for you.
And if you cannot see God’s love on the cross, why do you think you will see it in a man—especially a sinful man?
“What happened on the cross is a much bigger and better demonstration of God’s love than providing a husband.”
What happened on the cross is a much bigger and better demonstration of God’s love than providing a husband.
Lie 4: Because no-one has married you, you have no value
I’ve spoken to a number of single friends who genuinely think they have nothing to offer. They think the fact that no man has chosen them for a wife is a reflection on them, and that it means they can’t possibly have any value. I suppose it is just another expression of that age-old sin of thinking our value comes from how other people see us.
At this point, I’m tempted to talk about how much single people can offer the world around them. I’m tempted to tell you about one of my friends, who thinks she does not matter to anyone yet gives up her time week after week to help out with youth group. Or another friend, who cannot tell me a single positive thing about herself but who is often quite thoughtfully supportive of her friends and family. I’m tempted to talk about all the ways in which we single people can contribute to the lives of those around us. But that would suggest that our value comes from what we do, which is just as bad as thinking that our value comes from what other people think of us!
“Someone marrying you will not make you valuable… You cannot be made valuable, because you already are valuable.”
No. Someone marrying you will not make you valuable. Doing things for other people will not make you valuable. You cannot be made valuable, because you already are valuable. You are valuable because God Almighty himself tenderly created you—in his own image, no less! You were valuable the minute God wrote your days in his book (Ps 139:13-16), and nothing that happens to you in this life can change that.
Lie 5: Getting married will fix all your problems
This is probably the lie that I wrestle with the most, mentally. I swing wildly from knowing it isn’t true to thinking it is. When I’m looking for a new flatmate, I think that marriage would mean I wouldn’t have to keep finding people to live with. I could just get used to my husband, and that would be it. I could also afford to buy property, so I wouldn’t have to worry about when or if my landlord might ask me to leave.
It is true that marriage is a solution to some problems, some of the time. Marriage can be an answer to loneliness. It might mean I can buy my own home. But this particular lie is one of those clever half-truths, where the truth makes it harder to see the lie.
There is actually no guarantee that marriage will fix loneliness. Some married people are incredibly lonely, trapped in awful marriages with no-one to talk to about it. And getting married is no guarantee that I’ll never have to find someone to live with again, or that I’ll be able to buy property and have more security. My husband might die soon after we’re married; our house might burn down. Those are tragic examples but even if things like that don’t happen, I’m sure the picture I have in my head of what marriage will be like is probably very different from what it would actually be like. Paul doesn’t talk about the “anxieties” and “worldly troubles” of marriage in 1 Corinthians 7 without good reason. Jesus’ own disciples clearly recognize the difficulties of marriage. When Jesus tells them that “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery”, they say, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matt 19:9-10)!
I’m not saying marriage is bad—as the apostle Paul would say, by no means! Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, and I’m absolutely delighted when my friends get married. I’d love to get married myself. But we must not fall into the trap of thinking that marriage will fix all our problems. It won’t.
Lie 6: You’ve got to find The One
This is the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas. Seriously. Thank you so much, Hollywood, with all your stupid rom-coms, for helping Satan blind us with this lie.
While it is true that God knows whether we will marry and whom we will marry, there is absolutely no way that we can know. Unless God himself gives you a name or hands you a photograph, you simply cannot know beyond a shadow of a doubt whether you’ve found the ‘right’ person. All you can do is pray, make a wise decision, trust God, and then be faithful to your marriage promises.
“Don’t look for ‘the one’; instead, look for someone who produces the fruit of the Spirit. Look for someone who loves Jesus.”
I’m not saying you should marry any old person as long as they’re Christian, available and breathing. I’m not saying there’s no place for physical attraction and romance—Song of Songs would contradict me if I were. What I am saying is that in your desire to get married, don’t look for ‘the one’; instead, look for someone who produces the fruit of the Spirit. Look for someone who loves Jesus. Learn from the fact that many in arranged marriages grow to deeply love each other; and don’t expect that you’ll feel wobbly in the knees as soon as you lay eyes on your future husband. Ask God for a husband, but also ask him to change your desires so that you will be open to the advances of a godly man, should they come.
Lie 7: A single person has no family
To be honest, at this stage in my life I don’t feel much temptation to believe this lie. By the grace of God, both my parents are still alive and well, together with their respective spouses and a bunch of half- and step-siblings. But sometimes I wonder what it will be like when I’m much older. In my less trusting moments, I am afraid of getting old and lonely and having no-one to look after me. I’m sure many married people share this fear. As the late (and lifelong single) John Chapman pointed out, at least 50% of married people will face singleness again when their spouse dies.
Chappo taught me to change the way I think about family. In a sermon he gave many years ago in his home church, he pointed out that our Christian family supersedes our biological family, just as it did for Jesus (see Matt 12:46-50; 19:27-29).1 Chappo then said, “I am not going to be anybody’s grandfather… but in this family [indicating the congregation] I should expect lots of grandchildren… You and I are bound together in a family that takes precedence against our biological family.”2 Chappo’s expectations were well and truly met—during his last few days in this life, he had so many visitors to his hospital bed that one of the hospital staff commented, “He must have a big family!” What a moving testament to the blessing of being part of God’s family.
As children of God, we are part of a massive family. The challenge for all of us, in our individualistic culture, is to act like it.
Lie 8: It’s better to marry a non-Christian than stay single for life
Even though God’s family is huge, we’re all sinful and sometimes we do a terrible job of loving each other. Singleness can be a very painful and lonely experience. Some decide it’s better, in the end, to marry an unbeliever. Perhaps you are toying with this idea yourself at the moment.
Let me tell you, slowly so you hear me: It. Is. Not. Worth. It.
I know many women married to unbelieving men. Some of these women did not become Christian until after they got married. Others were Christian and married a non-Christian. Others have watched their Christian husbands walk away from Jesus. But not one of them would recommend choosing to marry a non-Christian while you still have a choice to make. Not one. Not the women who still trust Jesus, anyway. And here’s why.
If you marry a man who doesn’t know and love Jesus, here are your options:
My favourite Jane Eyre quote springs to mind here. The man she loves is trying to persuade her to abandon her moral convictions and live with him, even though he already has a wife. She responds by saying:
“Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? … Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot.”3
Lie 9: It’s too hard to be single and you can’t keep on going
During the past couple of years, I’ve had two very sad conversations. One friend told me she isn’t sure how long she can keep going if she remains single. Another friend, when I mentioned this conversation to her, said, “I can relate”. For them, single life is just too hard and too lonely.
To be perfectly frank, part of me wants to just shake them and tell them to look around—there are harder things than being single. Personally, I’d rather stay single for life than go through divorce. Let’s not become blasé to the pain of divorce just because it’s so common. My heart breaks for women whose husbands have died. Some families live daily with incredible heartache and struggle because of illness or disability or poverty or tragedy. I think their struggles would be much harder than mine.
I also want these women to see how much they do have. They have good jobs. They have plenty of clothes, money and food. They are both in the top 2% of earners worldwide. They both have comfortable places to live—one has even managed to buy herself a unit.
But that’s not really the point. We each have our struggles, even if they aren’t as ‘bad’ as someone else’s. The grief of singleness is real and valid, and it comes from a very normal and healthy desire to be married. What we need is God, and the perspective that comes from reading his word.
Do you know how many calls there are in the New Testament to persevere and endure? No, neither do I—but it’s approximately a lot.4 This suggests that following Jesus in this world for a long time is not going to be easy. It may actually get even harder between now and when you meet him face to face. This is why I think there are also so many descriptions in the New Testament of the amazing things God has given us in Christ.5 We need to keep remembering what they are, because we forget so easily, and they are a big part of the motivation to endure anything and everything for the sake of Jesus who died for us. 2 Peter 1:3-12 puts it perfectly:
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.
“It is not too hard to be single—even for life. You can keep going, because God has given you everything you need.”
It is not too hard to be single—even for life. You can keep going, because God has given you everything you need. Don’t let Satan convince you otherwise.
Let us not be victims
Dear sisters, let’s not be victims of Satan’s attacks. Let us not dare to be dissatisfied with all that the God of the universe has lovingly given us. Let us trust God in all areas of life, including this one. Let’s not be those who say to the God who will judge the living and the dead, “Give me what I want, or we’re through”.
For what they are worth, here are a few suggestions—not rules or commands—to help you endure.
Satan’s lies about singleness
Emma Thornett | 19 August, 2013
I’m single. I live in Sydney’s east with my two flatmates and my cat. (The crazy-cat-lady litmus test is that you know you’ve become one and you don’t care.) I’m in my late thirties. Many of the struggles that surround singleness are my struggles too: tossing up between living on my own (and being lonely and possibly broke) or living with flatmates (and regularly having to find and get used to new ones); turning up to things on my own all the time; feeling the unvoiced wonderings of friends, who think I’m too fussy, or gay, or weird; feeling surprised and disappointed that I’m not married by now, and wondering what’s wrong with me. I tire of all of those things.
However, I remain convinced that God’s word in the Bible is true, and I am determined to cling to it. My life, my struggles, my circumstances have changed over the years, but God has not. Neither has his word.
So this is a plea to my dear Christian sisters who are single but would love to be married: don’t stop trusting God. Endure through your sadness. Don’t let Satan get to you with his subtle lies, which come from all directions. Don’t find yourself believing them without even realizing it.
(A quick note: I’m deliberately addressing this to women who aren’t married but would like to be. What I say will not apply equally to all single people, so please take whatever you find helpful from this article even if it’s not really written for you.)
Here are just some of the lies Satan tells us all the time.
Lie 1: You’re single because you’re…
You can finish the sentence yourself—just insert your adjective of choice. For me, it varies from ‘fat’ to ‘ugly’ to ‘horrible’, depending on the day. But I can think of so many friends who are beautiful in the world’s eyes, who are lovely, funny, kind, delightful… and single. So many. People of all shapes, sizes and personalities are single, and people of all shapes, sizes and personalities are married. What is attractive to one is not attractive to another. Shape, size, and personality are not why I’m single.
In the Western world at least, more and more people are marrying later in life or not at all. I may be single, but I’m certainly not alone. This isn’t because the human race is producing uglier or more horrible people, but because of a raft of social changes we’ve seen over the past century.
“God is more powerful than our social situations, our looks, our personalities, and our insecurities.”
But God is more powerful than any social force or trend. The fact is that ultimately I’m single because God is in control of everything. He is sovereign. Likewise, those who are married are married because God is sovereign. Those who are widowed are widowed because God is sovereign. God is more powerful than our social situations, our looks, our personalities, and our insecurities.
Lie 2: God is not powerful enough to find you a husband
The older I get, the easier it is to believe this lie (which is closely related to the first). When I was younger, thinner and less cynical, it was easy to imagine that God would send a husband along for me. Who wouldn’t love me? I was amazing back then! But the longer I remain unchosen (and that’s certainly how it feels), the easier it is to think that God’s power can’t reach this part of my life.
But I need to remember that in fact I am not unchosen. God himself has chosen me. And at the risk of stating the obvious, if God can create the universe just by speaking (Genesis 1); if he can cause Pharaoh to let the Israelites go (Exodus 12); if he can raise Jesus Christ from the dead (Luke 24); if he can use the purposes of evil men for his good purposes (Acts 2:22-24); if he can give us new life and change us from people who hate him to people who want to serve him (1 Peter 1); if he can—well, do I need to list every event in the Bible? If God can do all this, then he can find me (and you) a husband, easily.
This doesn’t mean “there’s someone just around the corner for you”, or that God will provide you with a husband. It just means that if you are single it’s not because God is too powerless to marry you off to someone.
Lie 3: You’re single because God does not love you
Most of us know this can’t really be true. We know that God is love (1 John 4:8). We know he sent his own Son to die on the cross for the sins of sinful people. We know all that.
But have we stopped believing it?
Our world is decaying because of sin, and there is sickness, tragedy and sadness everywhere. We have all kinds of reasons to doubt God’s love for us if the only thing we have to go on is what we can see around us. But we are such finite beings. We see so little. We “do not know the work of God who makes everything” (Eccl 11:5). So we must look to the cross. The facts of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ are the same now as they were when we first believed. If God sent his own Son to die that horrific death in your place so that he can be in relationship with you, and if he did this while you were still a sinner (Rom 5:6-11), then maybe you don’t need to doubt his love for you.
And if you cannot see God’s love on the cross, why do you think you will see it in a man—especially a sinful man?
“What happened on the cross is a much bigger and better demonstration of God’s love than providing a husband.”
What happened on the cross is a much bigger and better demonstration of God’s love than providing a husband.
Lie 4: Because no-one has married you, you have no value
I’ve spoken to a number of single friends who genuinely think they have nothing to offer. They think the fact that no man has chosen them for a wife is a reflection on them, and that it means they can’t possibly have any value. I suppose it is just another expression of that age-old sin of thinking our value comes from how other people see us.
At this point, I’m tempted to talk about how much single people can offer the world around them. I’m tempted to tell you about one of my friends, who thinks she does not matter to anyone yet gives up her time week after week to help out with youth group. Or another friend, who cannot tell me a single positive thing about herself but who is often quite thoughtfully supportive of her friends and family. I’m tempted to talk about all the ways in which we single people can contribute to the lives of those around us. But that would suggest that our value comes from what we do, which is just as bad as thinking that our value comes from what other people think of us!
“Someone marrying you will not make you valuable… You cannot be made valuable, because you already are valuable.”
No. Someone marrying you will not make you valuable. Doing things for other people will not make you valuable. You cannot be made valuable, because you already are valuable. You are valuable because God Almighty himself tenderly created you—in his own image, no less! You were valuable the minute God wrote your days in his book (Ps 139:13-16), and nothing that happens to you in this life can change that.
Lie 5: Getting married will fix all your problems
This is probably the lie that I wrestle with the most, mentally. I swing wildly from knowing it isn’t true to thinking it is. When I’m looking for a new flatmate, I think that marriage would mean I wouldn’t have to keep finding people to live with. I could just get used to my husband, and that would be it. I could also afford to buy property, so I wouldn’t have to worry about when or if my landlord might ask me to leave.
It is true that marriage is a solution to some problems, some of the time. Marriage can be an answer to loneliness. It might mean I can buy my own home. But this particular lie is one of those clever half-truths, where the truth makes it harder to see the lie.
There is actually no guarantee that marriage will fix loneliness. Some married people are incredibly lonely, trapped in awful marriages with no-one to talk to about it. And getting married is no guarantee that I’ll never have to find someone to live with again, or that I’ll be able to buy property and have more security. My husband might die soon after we’re married; our house might burn down. Those are tragic examples but even if things like that don’t happen, I’m sure the picture I have in my head of what marriage will be like is probably very different from what it would actually be like. Paul doesn’t talk about the “anxieties” and “worldly troubles” of marriage in 1 Corinthians 7 without good reason. Jesus’ own disciples clearly recognize the difficulties of marriage. When Jesus tells them that “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery”, they say, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matt 19:9-10)!
I’m not saying marriage is bad—as the apostle Paul would say, by no means! Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, and I’m absolutely delighted when my friends get married. I’d love to get married myself. But we must not fall into the trap of thinking that marriage will fix all our problems. It won’t.
Lie 6: You’ve got to find The One
This is the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas. Seriously. Thank you so much, Hollywood, with all your stupid rom-coms, for helping Satan blind us with this lie.
While it is true that God knows whether we will marry and whom we will marry, there is absolutely no way that we can know. Unless God himself gives you a name or hands you a photograph, you simply cannot know beyond a shadow of a doubt whether you’ve found the ‘right’ person. All you can do is pray, make a wise decision, trust God, and then be faithful to your marriage promises.
“Don’t look for ‘the one’; instead, look for someone who produces the fruit of the Spirit. Look for someone who loves Jesus.”
I’m not saying you should marry any old person as long as they’re Christian, available and breathing. I’m not saying there’s no place for physical attraction and romance—Song of Songs would contradict me if I were. What I am saying is that in your desire to get married, don’t look for ‘the one’; instead, look for someone who produces the fruit of the Spirit. Look for someone who loves Jesus. Learn from the fact that many in arranged marriages grow to deeply love each other; and don’t expect that you’ll feel wobbly in the knees as soon as you lay eyes on your future husband. Ask God for a husband, but also ask him to change your desires so that you will be open to the advances of a godly man, should they come.
Lie 7: A single person has no family
To be honest, at this stage in my life I don’t feel much temptation to believe this lie. By the grace of God, both my parents are still alive and well, together with their respective spouses and a bunch of half- and step-siblings. But sometimes I wonder what it will be like when I’m much older. In my less trusting moments, I am afraid of getting old and lonely and having no-one to look after me. I’m sure many married people share this fear. As the late (and lifelong single) John Chapman pointed out, at least 50% of married people will face singleness again when their spouse dies.
Chappo taught me to change the way I think about family. In a sermon he gave many years ago in his home church, he pointed out that our Christian family supersedes our biological family, just as it did for Jesus (see Matt 12:46-50; 19:27-29).1 Chappo then said, “I am not going to be anybody’s grandfather… but in this family [indicating the congregation] I should expect lots of grandchildren… You and I are bound together in a family that takes precedence against our biological family.”2 Chappo’s expectations were well and truly met—during his last few days in this life, he had so many visitors to his hospital bed that one of the hospital staff commented, “He must have a big family!” What a moving testament to the blessing of being part of God’s family.
As children of God, we are part of a massive family. The challenge for all of us, in our individualistic culture, is to act like it.
Lie 8: It’s better to marry a non-Christian than stay single for life
Even though God’s family is huge, we’re all sinful and sometimes we do a terrible job of loving each other. Singleness can be a very painful and lonely experience. Some decide it’s better, in the end, to marry an unbeliever. Perhaps you are toying with this idea yourself at the moment.
Let me tell you, slowly so you hear me: It. Is. Not. Worth. It.
I know many women married to unbelieving men. Some of these women did not become Christian until after they got married. Others were Christian and married a non-Christian. Others have watched their Christian husbands walk away from Jesus. But not one of them would recommend choosing to marry a non-Christian while you still have a choice to make. Not one. Not the women who still trust Jesus, anyway. And here’s why.
If you marry a man who doesn’t know and love Jesus, here are your options:
- You will eventually walk away from Jesus yourself, as he becomes less and less important and relevant in your life and your husband becomes more important. And when you walk away from Jesus, you will have exchanged heaven for hell.
- Or you will keep trusting Jesus, but it will be difficult and lonely in at least some respects. I know a dear Christian lady whose husband no longer professes Christ, although he once did. But he’s happy for her to go to church, and he’s happy for her to give money to church (as long as he can spend the equivalent on whatever he likes!), and he loves her. As far as being married to an unbeliever, it’s about as good as you can get. But every week, she goes to church and Bible study on her own. She can’t share the most important part of her life with the man she loves. And, saddest of all, unless something changes between now and when her husband dies, she cannot look forward to standing with him before the throne of God in heaven for all eternity. He is going to another place.
- Or perhaps—perhaps—God will have mercy on you and save your husband once you’re married. But when you marry a non-Christian I think you probably make it harder for him to take Jesus seriously. Why would he, when you’re not taking Jesus seriously yourself? Of course, God is more powerful than your bad example, and he could still save your husband. But you have no guarantee that he will, and it’s certainly not something you can demand. Given the previous two options, why take the risk?
My favourite Jane Eyre quote springs to mind here. The man she loves is trying to persuade her to abandon her moral convictions and live with him, even though he already has a wife. She responds by saying:
“Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? … Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot.”3
Lie 9: It’s too hard to be single and you can’t keep on going
During the past couple of years, I’ve had two very sad conversations. One friend told me she isn’t sure how long she can keep going if she remains single. Another friend, when I mentioned this conversation to her, said, “I can relate”. For them, single life is just too hard and too lonely.
To be perfectly frank, part of me wants to just shake them and tell them to look around—there are harder things than being single. Personally, I’d rather stay single for life than go through divorce. Let’s not become blasé to the pain of divorce just because it’s so common. My heart breaks for women whose husbands have died. Some families live daily with incredible heartache and struggle because of illness or disability or poverty or tragedy. I think their struggles would be much harder than mine.
I also want these women to see how much they do have. They have good jobs. They have plenty of clothes, money and food. They are both in the top 2% of earners worldwide. They both have comfortable places to live—one has even managed to buy herself a unit.
But that’s not really the point. We each have our struggles, even if they aren’t as ‘bad’ as someone else’s. The grief of singleness is real and valid, and it comes from a very normal and healthy desire to be married. What we need is God, and the perspective that comes from reading his word.
Do you know how many calls there are in the New Testament to persevere and endure? No, neither do I—but it’s approximately a lot.4 This suggests that following Jesus in this world for a long time is not going to be easy. It may actually get even harder between now and when you meet him face to face. This is why I think there are also so many descriptions in the New Testament of the amazing things God has given us in Christ.5 We need to keep remembering what they are, because we forget so easily, and they are a big part of the motivation to endure anything and everything for the sake of Jesus who died for us. 2 Peter 1:3-12 puts it perfectly:
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.
“It is not too hard to be single—even for life. You can keep going, because God has given you everything you need.”
It is not too hard to be single—even for life. You can keep going, because God has given you everything you need. Don’t let Satan convince you otherwise.
Let us not be victims
Dear sisters, let’s not be victims of Satan’s attacks. Let us not dare to be dissatisfied with all that the God of the universe has lovingly given us. Let us trust God in all areas of life, including this one. Let’s not be those who say to the God who will judge the living and the dead, “Give me what I want, or we’re through”.
For what they are worth, here are a few suggestions—not rules or commands—to help you endure.
- If your convictions feel a little shaky, figure out what it is that you’re not sure about, and go and do something about it. Read a Gospel. Read a book about Jesus’ death and resurrection.6 Work out what you’re not sure about, and talk about it with someone you trust.
- If you’ve stopped reading God’s word regularly, find someone to read it with you.
- Find someone at church who you can help—maybe there’s someone who could do with a home-cooked meal at the moment. If there are gaping empty lonely holes in your life, fill them up with serving your family. It honestly does help.
- Remember that you are not a powerless victim. You have the Holy Spirit. You have a Father God who made the entire universe, and who loves you, and who really does know what is best for you. Put 2 Peter 1:3-12 on your bedroom wall and read it every day.
- Find some way to be thankful for what you have. Keep a diary and write down one or two things each day for which you are grateful. Better yet: tell other people about them. You’ll remind yourself, and you’ll encourage others. Win-win!
- If you live on your own and you find yourself feeling constantly lonely, consider sharing with one or two others. I know this sounds abhorrent to some, especially if you’re used to living on your own. Living with others is hard, even if you all get on well. You have to compromise and you’re not in control of your environment. But being in a home with other people, even if you’re all in different rooms and not actually conversing, is very different to being in a home on your own. I genuinely don’t get lonely, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t live on my own.
- You can find the text of Chappo’s sermon in Michael Orpwood’s book Chappo: For the Sake of the Gospel, Eagleswift Press, 1995, pages 187-93. It’s a very encouraging read. ↩
- Orpwood, pages 189-90. ↩
- Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre, Third Norton Critical Edition, Norton, New York, 2001, pages 270-1. ↩
- E.g. Matt 10:22, 24:13; Luke 21:19; Rom 5:3-4, 15:4-5; 1 Cor 10:13, 13:7; 2 Cor 1:6; Eph 6:18; Col 1:11; 2 Thess 1:4; 2 Tim 2:12, 24; Heb 10:36, 12:1-17; James 1; 1 Pet 2:18-25; Jude 17-21; Rev 1:9, 14:6-13. ↩
- E.g. Rom 4:7-8; 1 Cor 6:9-11; 2 Cor 8:9; Gal 3:10-14; Eph 2:1-22; 3:1-6; Titus 3:3-6; 1 Pet 1:3-5, 2:9-10; 2 Pet 1:3-4. ↩
- Stan Telchin’s Betrayed is brilliant (and short). He’s a Jewish man who gets so angry when his daughter converts to Christianity that he decides to prove to her that Jesus is not the Messiah. He looks at all the Old Testament prophecies about the Messiah and then looks at how many of them Jesus fulfils… and he becomes a Christian. ↩
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/findhusband/
Finding a Husband
Written by Candice Z. Watters
Do you desire marriage but can’t find the right guy? Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong places. Or maybe you’re hard to find yourself.
In graduate school I lived with three close friends. We shared a 4-bedroom house, groceries and a strong desire to find husbands. Though we didn’t discuss it in mixed company, we talked about it a lot in the safety of our home. It was probably the subject we talked about most. Sitting in the hallway, eating popcorn in our pajamas, we’d admit that our deepest longing, even more than career success, was to get married. Then we’d bemoan how most of our male classmates were either not marriage material or already taken.
We’d often wonder if, in the midst of our clumsy attempts at love, we weren’t making matters worse by getting our Masters degrees. We knew we were prepared to give it all up — the career, the big salary, the trappings of success — should the right man come along. But the men in our lives didn’t know we felt that way. What if, we worried, we finally met someone and he interpreted our ambition the wrong way?
That’s where Mary Morken came in. The wife of one of our professors, she encouraged us to be honest with ourselves — and our male friends. Hearing it from her made sense: “Initiate conversations about marriage among your friends — not as it relates to you and the guy you’re interested in specifically, but generally, the same way you’d have a group discussion about politics or religion.” We didn’t shy away from other tough subjects when we were together; why not bring up something even more important?
Mary’s encouragement really came down to one word: intentionality. American women are known for high-achievement in every area but the one we say we value the most: relationships. Sadly, we’re members of a generation which, on the whole, desires marriage, but doesn’t know how to get there or believes there’s no rush to make it happen.
When it comes to committed relationships, we tend to be drifters. I know I was. I spent nearly a year as Steve Watters’ buddy. It took me a long time to finally ask for something more (see Pulling a Ruth). It turns out there are things you can do to move a relationship forward. But you have to know what not to do first.
Resist the counterfeits
A few bad habits can sabotage a relationship; yet lots of women seem to miss this. Some hang out with a “buddy,” content with mere friendship, never daring to require him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don’t understand why their “partner” has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even after they’ve decided that no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.
These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday night may keep them alone for the rest of their lives.
If you want a mate who respects you, you’ve got to respect yourself. That means setting high standards for your relationships. Are you the gal guys come to for advice about other women? Do you spend all of your time with a guy who’s not your boyfriend? Are you an open book with a man who hasn’t made a commitment? If you’ve answered yes to any of these, you may need better boundaries to protect your time and your heart. Boundaries help you resist the temptation to spend your prime years and best self on counterfeits.
On the flip side, approaching the opposite sex in a principled way can only enhance your relationships. Develop high character: treat men with kindness; be honest; don’t lie, gossip or manipulate; be trustworthy. Any guy worth marrying will notice.
Retain sexual power
It’s an old cliché but no less true today than when it was coined: men don’t buy a cow when they’re getting the milk for free. If you’re having sex outside of marriage, you’re diminishing your sexual power and your ability to find a good match.Instead of enhancing your relationship, sex will dictate it, setting the agenda and biasing all of your decisions.
Unmet sexual longing is a powerful motivator for men and women alike. Many of our parents, and especially grandparents, had short courtships thanks to this natural force. Men who are getting their sexual needs met casually have fewer reasons to sign up for all the responsibilities of marriage.
Sex should flow from a godly relationship. It was designed to sweeten a life of commitment. When couples partake of it prematurely, it tends to sicken, much like eating dessert before you’ve had dinner. Many Christians who’ve had premarital sex eventually marry; but this does little to alleviate their consciences and often results in disaster.
Reassess your options
A lot of women have good friends who are men. They describe them by saying, “Oh, we’re just friends; we’ve never thought of dating; we’re not romantic.” Too often we overlook men in the “just friends” category because we’re not “attracted” to them. (My roommates and I were guilty of this.) Instead of asking who you’re attracted to, start asking “Of my friends, who would be a godly husband, strong partner and good father?” Looking at men this way, you might be surprised whom you’re attracted to.
Parents used to choose their daughters’ husbands for them. You can be sure the last quality they considered was physical appearance. They knew externals played a minor role — if any — in creating a healthy family.
I’m not suggesting a return to those days — they had problems of their own — but we can borrow a principle from them: if a woman is paired with an upstanding man, love will have a chance to grow. We should look for men of outstanding integrity and pray for God to make the soil fertile for love to grow.
Check your expectations
The annual State of Our Unions report for 2002 detailed a trend among single men who date for recreation with one eye open for someone else. They have sex with their girlfriends but admit they’ll never marry these girls because they’re not “soul mates.”
Most people want a mate who knows them at their deepest points and loves them fully. But the problem with the soul mate expectation is that you risk setting yourself up for failure. When asked to describe their soul mate, many singles imagine a person who “completes them,” and vice versa. They assume their soul mate will love them exactly as they are and never ask them to change. But what happens when those two soul mates encounter the turbulence of marriage? These expectations cause them to doubt that they’ve found their “soul mate” after all.
Human relationships will always be flawed because we’re fallen creatures. To expect otherwise is a setup for divorce.
Despite fantasies of marriage as an endless date, a lifelong partnership is actually about thriving in the day-to-day stuff of life: raising the kids, paying the bills, cleaning the house, etc. A lasting marriage requires commitment, no matter what. You have to go into it expecting highs and lows. Though a good marriage can make the lows a lot more bearable.
Ask the people you know for help
Until recently, marriage enjoyed culture-wide support. It was, for most people, a primary purpose of life. Friends and relatives were willing partners in helping singles meet the eligible bachelors in their lives. That’s why it was beneficial to know people of different ages. If we only spend time with peers in the same season of life, the competition for available men will likely be fierce. But if our friends span the generations, it’s probable they will know or be related to eligible men. And if these friends are believers in marriage — and they know you desire to get married — they can be helpful allies.
Changing your way of relating to men may seem unnatural at first — and for some, not worth the effort. But if your goal is marriage, it makes sense to do what’s in your power to achieve it. Don’t misunderstand: you can’t force it. There’s no formula for making two people fall in love and commit their lives to one another. Besides, for singles who’ve committed their life to Christ, the timing is ultimately up to Him. But you still have a part to play. And if you’re doing things that lead you away from the altar, why not purposefully change direction?
Copyright © 2003 Candice Z. Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Finding a Husband
Written by Candice Z. Watters
Do you desire marriage but can’t find the right guy? Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong places. Or maybe you’re hard to find yourself.
In graduate school I lived with three close friends. We shared a 4-bedroom house, groceries and a strong desire to find husbands. Though we didn’t discuss it in mixed company, we talked about it a lot in the safety of our home. It was probably the subject we talked about most. Sitting in the hallway, eating popcorn in our pajamas, we’d admit that our deepest longing, even more than career success, was to get married. Then we’d bemoan how most of our male classmates were either not marriage material or already taken.
We’d often wonder if, in the midst of our clumsy attempts at love, we weren’t making matters worse by getting our Masters degrees. We knew we were prepared to give it all up — the career, the big salary, the trappings of success — should the right man come along. But the men in our lives didn’t know we felt that way. What if, we worried, we finally met someone and he interpreted our ambition the wrong way?
That’s where Mary Morken came in. The wife of one of our professors, she encouraged us to be honest with ourselves — and our male friends. Hearing it from her made sense: “Initiate conversations about marriage among your friends — not as it relates to you and the guy you’re interested in specifically, but generally, the same way you’d have a group discussion about politics or religion.” We didn’t shy away from other tough subjects when we were together; why not bring up something even more important?
Mary’s encouragement really came down to one word: intentionality. American women are known for high-achievement in every area but the one we say we value the most: relationships. Sadly, we’re members of a generation which, on the whole, desires marriage, but doesn’t know how to get there or believes there’s no rush to make it happen.
When it comes to committed relationships, we tend to be drifters. I know I was. I spent nearly a year as Steve Watters’ buddy. It took me a long time to finally ask for something more (see Pulling a Ruth). It turns out there are things you can do to move a relationship forward. But you have to know what not to do first.
Resist the counterfeits
A few bad habits can sabotage a relationship; yet lots of women seem to miss this. Some hang out with a “buddy,” content with mere friendship, never daring to require him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don’t understand why their “partner” has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even after they’ve decided that no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.
These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday night may keep them alone for the rest of their lives.
If you want a mate who respects you, you’ve got to respect yourself. That means setting high standards for your relationships. Are you the gal guys come to for advice about other women? Do you spend all of your time with a guy who’s not your boyfriend? Are you an open book with a man who hasn’t made a commitment? If you’ve answered yes to any of these, you may need better boundaries to protect your time and your heart. Boundaries help you resist the temptation to spend your prime years and best self on counterfeits.
On the flip side, approaching the opposite sex in a principled way can only enhance your relationships. Develop high character: treat men with kindness; be honest; don’t lie, gossip or manipulate; be trustworthy. Any guy worth marrying will notice.
Retain sexual power
It’s an old cliché but no less true today than when it was coined: men don’t buy a cow when they’re getting the milk for free. If you’re having sex outside of marriage, you’re diminishing your sexual power and your ability to find a good match.Instead of enhancing your relationship, sex will dictate it, setting the agenda and biasing all of your decisions.
Unmet sexual longing is a powerful motivator for men and women alike. Many of our parents, and especially grandparents, had short courtships thanks to this natural force. Men who are getting their sexual needs met casually have fewer reasons to sign up for all the responsibilities of marriage.
Sex should flow from a godly relationship. It was designed to sweeten a life of commitment. When couples partake of it prematurely, it tends to sicken, much like eating dessert before you’ve had dinner. Many Christians who’ve had premarital sex eventually marry; but this does little to alleviate their consciences and often results in disaster.
Reassess your options
A lot of women have good friends who are men. They describe them by saying, “Oh, we’re just friends; we’ve never thought of dating; we’re not romantic.” Too often we overlook men in the “just friends” category because we’re not “attracted” to them. (My roommates and I were guilty of this.) Instead of asking who you’re attracted to, start asking “Of my friends, who would be a godly husband, strong partner and good father?” Looking at men this way, you might be surprised whom you’re attracted to.
Parents used to choose their daughters’ husbands for them. You can be sure the last quality they considered was physical appearance. They knew externals played a minor role — if any — in creating a healthy family.
I’m not suggesting a return to those days — they had problems of their own — but we can borrow a principle from them: if a woman is paired with an upstanding man, love will have a chance to grow. We should look for men of outstanding integrity and pray for God to make the soil fertile for love to grow.
Check your expectations
The annual State of Our Unions report for 2002 detailed a trend among single men who date for recreation with one eye open for someone else. They have sex with their girlfriends but admit they’ll never marry these girls because they’re not “soul mates.”
Most people want a mate who knows them at their deepest points and loves them fully. But the problem with the soul mate expectation is that you risk setting yourself up for failure. When asked to describe their soul mate, many singles imagine a person who “completes them,” and vice versa. They assume their soul mate will love them exactly as they are and never ask them to change. But what happens when those two soul mates encounter the turbulence of marriage? These expectations cause them to doubt that they’ve found their “soul mate” after all.
Human relationships will always be flawed because we’re fallen creatures. To expect otherwise is a setup for divorce.
Despite fantasies of marriage as an endless date, a lifelong partnership is actually about thriving in the day-to-day stuff of life: raising the kids, paying the bills, cleaning the house, etc. A lasting marriage requires commitment, no matter what. You have to go into it expecting highs and lows. Though a good marriage can make the lows a lot more bearable.
Ask the people you know for help
Until recently, marriage enjoyed culture-wide support. It was, for most people, a primary purpose of life. Friends and relatives were willing partners in helping singles meet the eligible bachelors in their lives. That’s why it was beneficial to know people of different ages. If we only spend time with peers in the same season of life, the competition for available men will likely be fierce. But if our friends span the generations, it’s probable they will know or be related to eligible men. And if these friends are believers in marriage — and they know you desire to get married — they can be helpful allies.
Changing your way of relating to men may seem unnatural at first — and for some, not worth the effort. But if your goal is marriage, it makes sense to do what’s in your power to achieve it. Don’t misunderstand: you can’t force it. There’s no formula for making two people fall in love and commit their lives to one another. Besides, for singles who’ve committed their life to Christ, the timing is ultimately up to Him. But you still have a part to play. And if you’re doing things that lead you away from the altar, why not purposefully change direction?
Copyright © 2003 Candice Z. Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://www.brentriggsblog.com/2009/09/question-i-cant-find-a-husband-should-i-just-give-up/
Question: I Can’t Find a Husband… Should I Just Give Up?
In Marriage, Personal Opinion & Commentary / 57 comments
A reader asks:
I’ve been an occasional reader of your Serious Faith blog for a while and I feel like I always have questions, but I’ve been hesitant to ask because I’m not sure I’ll like the answer. I’m at the end of my rope on this one, however, and I’d appreciate any insight you have.
I’m 26 and single. I hate being single. I want the companionship and support that comes with being in a relationship. I want someone to love and spend time with and dote on. I feel that God must have given me this desire, as it is so strong and I’ve always felt this way. I’ve prayed every night for about a year for God to bring me a wonderful man. Now I feel like pounding my fists on the ground and asking “Why, God, why, do you give me this desire and not fulfill it?”
I just don’t know what to do. Do I give up? I feel like I should stop asking God because it will hurt less if I don’t ask for it and don’t get it, than if I ask for it and don’t get it. How come everyone else can find a husband and get married but I’m stuck out in the cold by myself? My friends say I should lower my standards but I say that’s not a good solution.
My answer:
First, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married. In fact, it is the most natural choice we have (as compared to entire life of being single). So yes, God gave you this desire. It is completely within His known will for our existence as revealed in the Bible.
God honors our prayers and you can be sure that He hears your prayers for a husband with the assumption you are not engaged in, and ignoring, some obvious sin in your life. This can keep God from hearing and answering. There are actually several conditions for having our prayers heard. Many people have never considered the plain Bible teaching on this before. For more on that, go here.
Don’t pound your fists on the ground. You already know the answer to your own questions.
You know the desire for marriage is a wholesome desire. You know that God has not fulfilled that desire yet, so what does that tell you? We know that God is perfect, loves us and has our best intentions at heart? So if that prayer has not been answered, you know by default that it is not “time” yet for some reason.
The “reason” is the part you have to work out:
You should never give up asking God for something until you know full well he has answered and it is time to stop. Do you really think NOT ASKING is going to get your prayer answered?
Remember, God is in control and all things happen according to his will and in light of his love for us. So if marriage has not happened for you yet, then God has a reason. You know its not God’s time yet for the simple fact that it has not occurred. Discover that reason. You can. God promises wisdom if you ask for it. (James 1.5) Have you asked? Ask God: “Gracious God, you know my desire is to be married which I know is a pleasing thing to you. I’m not sure why you haven’t answered my prayer for a husband, but I know there is a reason. Please reveal that reason to me. Give me wisdom to understand it, and courage to face it. I’m ready to change anything that needs to be changed, including my patience….”
Speaking of asking, what are your questions for me concerning relationships, marriage or life?
Question: I Can’t Find a Husband… Should I Just Give Up?
In Marriage, Personal Opinion & Commentary / 57 comments
A reader asks:
I’ve been an occasional reader of your Serious Faith blog for a while and I feel like I always have questions, but I’ve been hesitant to ask because I’m not sure I’ll like the answer. I’m at the end of my rope on this one, however, and I’d appreciate any insight you have.
I’m 26 and single. I hate being single. I want the companionship and support that comes with being in a relationship. I want someone to love and spend time with and dote on. I feel that God must have given me this desire, as it is so strong and I’ve always felt this way. I’ve prayed every night for about a year for God to bring me a wonderful man. Now I feel like pounding my fists on the ground and asking “Why, God, why, do you give me this desire and not fulfill it?”
I just don’t know what to do. Do I give up? I feel like I should stop asking God because it will hurt less if I don’t ask for it and don’t get it, than if I ask for it and don’t get it. How come everyone else can find a husband and get married but I’m stuck out in the cold by myself? My friends say I should lower my standards but I say that’s not a good solution.
My answer:
First, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married. In fact, it is the most natural choice we have (as compared to entire life of being single). So yes, God gave you this desire. It is completely within His known will for our existence as revealed in the Bible.
God honors our prayers and you can be sure that He hears your prayers for a husband with the assumption you are not engaged in, and ignoring, some obvious sin in your life. This can keep God from hearing and answering. There are actually several conditions for having our prayers heard. Many people have never considered the plain Bible teaching on this before. For more on that, go here.
Don’t pound your fists on the ground. You already know the answer to your own questions.
You know the desire for marriage is a wholesome desire. You know that God has not fulfilled that desire yet, so what does that tell you? We know that God is perfect, loves us and has our best intentions at heart? So if that prayer has not been answered, you know by default that it is not “time” yet for some reason.
The “reason” is the part you have to work out:
- Does something in your life need to change first?
- Is there something that still needs to be done or finished?
- Is there something going on in your life that God knows would frustrate or ruin a marriage?
- Is there some attitude, expectation, sin or motivation that needs to be worked out or corrected first?
- Are you looking for a husband in the kinds of places or groups where a good and godly husband can be found?
- Do you have some UNREALISTIC standards or requirements for a man?
- Has God put someone in front of you that you are not seeing because some selfish focus has you looking past or through them?
You should never give up asking God for something until you know full well he has answered and it is time to stop. Do you really think NOT ASKING is going to get your prayer answered?
Remember, God is in control and all things happen according to his will and in light of his love for us. So if marriage has not happened for you yet, then God has a reason. You know its not God’s time yet for the simple fact that it has not occurred. Discover that reason. You can. God promises wisdom if you ask for it. (James 1.5) Have you asked? Ask God: “Gracious God, you know my desire is to be married which I know is a pleasing thing to you. I’m not sure why you haven’t answered my prayer for a husband, but I know there is a reason. Please reveal that reason to me. Give me wisdom to understand it, and courage to face it. I’m ready to change anything that needs to be changed, including my patience….”
Speaking of asking, what are your questions for me concerning relationships, marriage or life?
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/sin...d-i-marry-without-romance-and-attraction.html
Should I Marry Without Romance and Attraction?
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: After my share of bad relationships, I re-dedicated my life to the Lord and I am dating, essentially, the "perfect man." He wants to marry me, he is a believer, and he fits every quality I want in a husband. However, I feel empty inside. He is not physically my type, he looks and dresses in the opposite way from what I find attractive, I don't find him handsome, and can't feel attraction for him the way I have felt in previous relationships. My friends say I'm crazy for doubting our relationship. I know that "romance" and "physical attraction" are not in the dictionary of God's word, but I get scared and panic sometimes when I think about marrying without any attraction or romance. What keeps me going is God's promise that my marriage will be favored and blessed and "every other thing will be added." But that doesn't close up the hollow feeling or give me peace. Please advise.
HE SAID:
We’ve been groomed by society to look for the “Perfect Man” or the “Perfect Woman.” Reality shows portray groups of contestants vying for the heart of one person believing they are the “perfect person.”
However, what I have found far more important is to seek the perfect person for me and being the perfect person for someone (not everyone).
I do believe there is a person who God made for you, someone who will complement who you are, and someone you will be attracted to.
“Romance” and “physical attraction” may not be in "the dictionary of God’s Word," however, the book Song of Solomon is. If you’ve never studied it, you may want to before you further your relationship.
How handsome you are, my lover! (Song of Solomon 1:16)
My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag (Song of Solomon 2:9).
My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting. His cheeks are like a bed of balsam, banks of sweet-scented herbs; his lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold Set with beryl; his abdomen is carved ivory Inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of alabaster Set on pedestals of pure gold; his appearance is like Lebanon choice as the cedars. His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem (Song of Solomon 5:10-16).
These are not the words from someone who felt no romance or physical attraction, but these are the words of God from a woman who was seriously enamored by her beau.
As a male (with a slight ego), I don’t want my significant other to settle for or gag at the sight of me; then again I’m not trying to be on People Magazine’s Most Beautiful List either. My wish is for the “right one for me” to feel some of the emotion the woman in Song of Solomon had for her man and me for her.
I can’t imagine your boyfriend wouldn’t want the same.
What may be “perfect” for your friends may not be for you.
SHE SAID:
While I am thrilled you found someone who is wonderful and perfect in many ways, a very critical part of your relationship has to be an attraction to him physically. To paraphrase a wonderful author and friend, Dick Purnell: There are 5 parts of a healthy relationship: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social and Physical, based on his book Finding a Lasting Love. Now, it is true in all relationships there may be weaker areas than others. You may have a few things in common, but as you date you find you have more. You may have even gone to separate churches but eventually started attending the same church together.
I once was friends with a guy for 3 years. We did all kinds of things together but never dated. Then one day I was like, whoohoo is he cute. Lord, where did that come from? So I shared my feelings with him, we have a few dates but quickly realized we lacked other key areas to maintain a relationship.
So with that, what do you do? Well, as much as I feel God can change your attraction to your boyfriend to be what you want it to be, I don't think God operates that way when you’re IN the relationship. I do think over time, especially as you lean towards marriage and after marriage, your physical attraction will grow because your love grows. However, it can't grow if there is no seed to begin with. So my advice is to tell him what you are feeling. He deserves to know. If you were to get married you would be lying to him, feeling forced to have kiss him, be romantic, and make love. No one deserves that, or deserves to be deceived about it. Recognizing the great husband-material qualities about your current boyfriend should reassure you that waiting for the right "one" is indeed worth waiting for.
Oh, and do know the Bible is full of scripture regarding love and romance. Believe me, God invented it. Check out the Song of Solomon.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Should I Marry Without Romance and Attraction?
- Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young
- 201311 Jul
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: After my share of bad relationships, I re-dedicated my life to the Lord and I am dating, essentially, the "perfect man." He wants to marry me, he is a believer, and he fits every quality I want in a husband. However, I feel empty inside. He is not physically my type, he looks and dresses in the opposite way from what I find attractive, I don't find him handsome, and can't feel attraction for him the way I have felt in previous relationships. My friends say I'm crazy for doubting our relationship. I know that "romance" and "physical attraction" are not in the dictionary of God's word, but I get scared and panic sometimes when I think about marrying without any attraction or romance. What keeps me going is God's promise that my marriage will be favored and blessed and "every other thing will be added." But that doesn't close up the hollow feeling or give me peace. Please advise.
HE SAID:
We’ve been groomed by society to look for the “Perfect Man” or the “Perfect Woman.” Reality shows portray groups of contestants vying for the heart of one person believing they are the “perfect person.”
However, what I have found far more important is to seek the perfect person for me and being the perfect person for someone (not everyone).
I do believe there is a person who God made for you, someone who will complement who you are, and someone you will be attracted to.
“Romance” and “physical attraction” may not be in "the dictionary of God’s Word," however, the book Song of Solomon is. If you’ve never studied it, you may want to before you further your relationship.
How handsome you are, my lover! (Song of Solomon 1:16)
My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag (Song of Solomon 2:9).
My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting. His cheeks are like a bed of balsam, banks of sweet-scented herbs; his lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold Set with beryl; his abdomen is carved ivory Inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of alabaster Set on pedestals of pure gold; his appearance is like Lebanon choice as the cedars. His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem (Song of Solomon 5:10-16).
These are not the words from someone who felt no romance or physical attraction, but these are the words of God from a woman who was seriously enamored by her beau.
As a male (with a slight ego), I don’t want my significant other to settle for or gag at the sight of me; then again I’m not trying to be on People Magazine’s Most Beautiful List either. My wish is for the “right one for me” to feel some of the emotion the woman in Song of Solomon had for her man and me for her.
I can’t imagine your boyfriend wouldn’t want the same.
What may be “perfect” for your friends may not be for you.
SHE SAID:
While I am thrilled you found someone who is wonderful and perfect in many ways, a very critical part of your relationship has to be an attraction to him physically. To paraphrase a wonderful author and friend, Dick Purnell: There are 5 parts of a healthy relationship: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social and Physical, based on his book Finding a Lasting Love. Now, it is true in all relationships there may be weaker areas than others. You may have a few things in common, but as you date you find you have more. You may have even gone to separate churches but eventually started attending the same church together.
I once was friends with a guy for 3 years. We did all kinds of things together but never dated. Then one day I was like, whoohoo is he cute. Lord, where did that come from? So I shared my feelings with him, we have a few dates but quickly realized we lacked other key areas to maintain a relationship.
So with that, what do you do? Well, as much as I feel God can change your attraction to your boyfriend to be what you want it to be, I don't think God operates that way when you’re IN the relationship. I do think over time, especially as you lean towards marriage and after marriage, your physical attraction will grow because your love grows. However, it can't grow if there is no seed to begin with. So my advice is to tell him what you are feeling. He deserves to know. If you were to get married you would be lying to him, feeling forced to have kiss him, be romantic, and make love. No one deserves that, or deserves to be deceived about it. Recognizing the great husband-material qualities about your current boyfriend should reassure you that waiting for the right "one" is indeed worth waiting for.
Oh, and do know the Bible is full of scripture regarding love and romance. Believe me, God invented it. Check out the Song of Solomon.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/august/how-to-avoid-marrying-wrong-christian.html
How to avoid marrying the wrong Christian
What do you do if you're engaged but have serious misgivings about your decision, red flags popping up left and right? Do you a) get married, since you've set a date, sent out the invitations, spent a boatload of money, are too embarrassed to back out, and believe that most people get cold feet anyway? Or b) call the whole thing off until further notice? I think most of us would choose the latter, and would recommend thus to any friend or family member having serious doubts. But in practice, it isn't what we many of us do, and understandably so: Calling the whole thing off is difficult, painful, and risky.
Jennifer Gauvain, a licensed social worker and coauthor of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, recently reported in the Huffington Post's "Divorce" section that 30 percent of the nearly 1,000 divorced women she surveyed admitted to marrying despite serious doubts they had about their relationships long before the wedding day. According to reporter Katherine Bindley, the website IndieBride.com now hosts 33,000 conversation threads just about the urge to bolt.
I did.
I broke off an engagement to a really nice Christian guy. When it came down to it, we were incompatible on many levels. I had doubts at the inception of the relationship, but ignored them. Continuing the relationship was my way of trying to force a puzzle piece into a place it didn't fit. As the doubts grew, I tried harder to make the relationship work. However, if I hadn't heeded my gut-wrenching doubts, and paid attention to my mom and abuelita's words, ("he's a nice guy, but not the one for you") and the words of a friend I deeply respected, I would've made the worst mistake of my life. Even so, breaking the engagement and ending the relationship was far from easy.
For a while I balked because I didn't want to hurt the guy and was worried what others would think of me should I call it off. But in the end, I preferred the pain of breaking up with him and potential lifelong singleness over the pain of being married to him. If I had married him, I would've wilted. And now I know I would have forfeited marrying my priceless treasure of a husband, the one person I most love, admire, and respect.
Unfortunately, there are many Christian women (and men) who ignore their gnawing suspicions. They forge ahead into marriages they didn't belong in. Why?
Gauvain lists four overarching reasons cited by the women in her survey: 1) "Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder." 2) "Marriage will instantly make the relationship better." 3) "It's my last chance to get married and no one else will come along"; and, 4) "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce." I'd add a fifth and sixth reason that are specific to Christian men and women: 5) to legitimize sex, and 6) because of guilt associated with premarital sex or over having conceived a child out-of-wedlock.
How to avoid marrying the wrong Christian
What do you do if you're engaged but have serious misgivings about your decision, red flags popping up left and right? Do you a) get married, since you've set a date, sent out the invitations, spent a boatload of money, are too embarrassed to back out, and believe that most people get cold feet anyway? Or b) call the whole thing off until further notice? I think most of us would choose the latter, and would recommend thus to any friend or family member having serious doubts. But in practice, it isn't what we many of us do, and understandably so: Calling the whole thing off is difficult, painful, and risky.
Jennifer Gauvain, a licensed social worker and coauthor of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, recently reported in the Huffington Post's "Divorce" section that 30 percent of the nearly 1,000 divorced women she surveyed admitted to marrying despite serious doubts they had about their relationships long before the wedding day. According to reporter Katherine Bindley, the website IndieBride.com now hosts 33,000 conversation threads just about the urge to bolt.
I did.
I broke off an engagement to a really nice Christian guy. When it came down to it, we were incompatible on many levels. I had doubts at the inception of the relationship, but ignored them. Continuing the relationship was my way of trying to force a puzzle piece into a place it didn't fit. As the doubts grew, I tried harder to make the relationship work. However, if I hadn't heeded my gut-wrenching doubts, and paid attention to my mom and abuelita's words, ("he's a nice guy, but not the one for you") and the words of a friend I deeply respected, I would've made the worst mistake of my life. Even so, breaking the engagement and ending the relationship was far from easy.
For a while I balked because I didn't want to hurt the guy and was worried what others would think of me should I call it off. But in the end, I preferred the pain of breaking up with him and potential lifelong singleness over the pain of being married to him. If I had married him, I would've wilted. And now I know I would have forfeited marrying my priceless treasure of a husband, the one person I most love, admire, and respect.
Unfortunately, there are many Christian women (and men) who ignore their gnawing suspicions. They forge ahead into marriages they didn't belong in. Why?
Gauvain lists four overarching reasons cited by the women in her survey: 1) "Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder." 2) "Marriage will instantly make the relationship better." 3) "It's my last chance to get married and no one else will come along"; and, 4) "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce." I'd add a fifth and sixth reason that are specific to Christian men and women: 5) to legitimize sex, and 6) because of guilt associated with premarital sex or over having conceived a child out-of-wedlock.
Lucia
Well-Known Member
Dear Wendy
Not sexually attracted
I have been seeing a guy for seven months now. He is a nice guy — probably the nicest guy I ever dated — very caring, respectful and treats me like a lady (brings me flowers unexpectedly, watches horror movies even though he doesn’t like them). Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons. I started dating him four months a break-up with a guy I was madly in love with and I still think of him.
My problem is that I am not sexually attracted to this nicest guy in the world and I feel super guilty about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I feel like a horrible and shallow person by saying this but I am not attracted to his body type. We haven’t had sex, and we rarely kiss when he tries to make out with me (I usually have to force myself when we do). He has asked me on several occasions if I am not attracted to him and I have always lied and said that I am and that I am not ready to have sex, but the truth is I am not ready to have sex with him.
Recently he has introduced me to his family and has even mentioned the “love” and “marriage” words, and now I am confused and afraid that I am far to into it to just tell him that I am not into him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I believe in Karma and think that it will come back to bite me. I want to be sexually attracted to him because I think he will be a good provider and is definitely marriage material but I don’t know how to get myself there. I have read self-help books to try and seek the answer to this question but with no help. I can’t have a conversation with my girlfriends because I am afraid they will judge me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end up alone or realize that he was the best thing in my life after he is gone. Please help. — Not Sexually Attracted
Read responses in link
http://dearwendy.com/your-turn-im-not-sexually-attracted-to-him/
Not sexually attracted
I have been seeing a guy for seven months now. He is a nice guy — probably the nicest guy I ever dated — very caring, respectful and treats me like a lady (brings me flowers unexpectedly, watches horror movies even though he doesn’t like them). Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons. I started dating him four months a break-up with a guy I was madly in love with and I still think of him.
My problem is that I am not sexually attracted to this nicest guy in the world and I feel super guilty about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I feel like a horrible and shallow person by saying this but I am not attracted to his body type. We haven’t had sex, and we rarely kiss when he tries to make out with me (I usually have to force myself when we do). He has asked me on several occasions if I am not attracted to him and I have always lied and said that I am and that I am not ready to have sex, but the truth is I am not ready to have sex with him.
Recently he has introduced me to his family and has even mentioned the “love” and “marriage” words, and now I am confused and afraid that I am far to into it to just tell him that I am not into him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I believe in Karma and think that it will come back to bite me. I want to be sexually attracted to him because I think he will be a good provider and is definitely marriage material but I don’t know how to get myself there. I have read self-help books to try and seek the answer to this question but with no help. I can’t have a conversation with my girlfriends because I am afraid they will judge me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end up alone or realize that he was the best thing in my life after he is gone. Please help. — Not Sexually Attracted
Read responses in link
http://dearwendy.com/your-turn-im-not-sexually-attracted-to-him/
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://www.jackiefrancois.com/blog/the-devil-wants-you-to-settle-in-your-relationship/
JACKIE FRANCOIS
SINGER/SONGWRITER, WORSHIP LEADER, SPEAKER
THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Besides choosing to give Christ my entire heart and life at 18 (after falling in love with Him in the Eucharist), the best decision I ever made was to wait 28 years for the man of my dreams. There were so many times I could’ve settled for a nice Catholic guy who treated me well and bored me to tears. I knew I never wanted to tell my children, “Well, your dad loved me and seemed nice enough, so I married him.” Ugh. Gag me with a spork. Heck no. I knew I wanted to tell my children, “I waited patiently for a man I was passionately in love with, who led me to holiness, who was my best friend, and who I couldn’t wait to be married to!” Sure enough, when Bobby Angel came along, I knew I found that man.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of confused and conflicted young adults out there who seem tempted to settle for a spouse. There are a lot of people who date because it’s nice to have a warm body gazing back at you. Listen carefully to me: there are tons of holy, attractive, fun people out there. (I know, because I’m trying to play matchmaker and set them all up with each other). Seriously, though, you are only called to marry one of them. You are not called to be a polygamist (thank God!). Just because you date an attractive, holy Catholic doesn’t mean he/she is the “one.” In the past, every time I met a single Catholic guy, my head would always say, “Is this the one? Is this the one?” I was like a hamster on crack (like most single Catholic young adults who see every other single Catholic young adult as a target for romance). I kept rationalizing my good Catholic guy dates, saying, “Well, he doesn’t make me laugh, but I could deal with that,” or “I’m not really attracted to him, but I don’t want to be vain so I could deal with that” or “We really don’t have great conversations, but I could be a like a cloistered wife vowed to silence for the rest of my life, right?”
When I met Bobby, though, everything clicked. I didn’t have to rationalize anything. In fact, both of us are still in shock that two human beings could fit so perfectly (even in our faults) with each other. I’m sure God watches us stumble through relationships, laughing and thinking, “Oh you of little faith. Why do you not trust me?” Sure enough, when we settle, it’s because we don’t trust God enough. We don’t trust that God is a bigger romantic than we are, that God is the most passionate being there is (in fact, who endured the passion out of love for us), and who wants the absolute best for our lives. When we don’t trust God, we commit the original sin of Adam and Eve all over again: we grasp at the gift of “knowledge” rather than wait for God to give us the gift He’s had for us all along (see CCC 396-397). In Fill These Hearts, Christopher West writes, “That’s pride at its root: we don’t trust in God’s designs, so we choose to follow our own” (p. 112). Remember: God is the one who has amazing plans for us, “plans for our welfare not for woe, plans for a future full of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). It’s the stupid devil who wants us to grasp at relationships and who tempts us to settle for what’s just “okay.”
To me, some of the most courageous men and women are those who break off their relationships out of love for the other. They realize that the other person deserves someone better than them, that they are wasting the other’s time from finding their true vocation (whether be it to another person in marriage or maybe even a vocation to celibacy as a priest, nun, sister, brother, consecrated, or single person), or that they would be settling for a life of eye-rolling and frustration. This is extremely difficult. Bobby and I can speak from experience—he broke off an engagement and I broke up with a man who was a month from proposing. In the end, we were both extremely glad that the Holy Spirit convicted us and helped us have courage (a word that literally means, “to act from the heart”) to do what was best for all.
When I was single, I told myself, “I would rather be joyful and single than miserable with someone.” Why? Because I know that God wants us to be radiant witnesses of his love to the world. When I was single, I was totally free to do this because I had peace and joy founded in Christ who completely satisfied me. When I was in previous relationships, however, I was filled with anxiety, wondering if the guy didn’t get my sense of humor, didn’t like my craziness, didn’t like my love for Daily Mass, the Rosary or Adoration. I changed myself for the guys and didn’t like who I was with them. I knew that the man I was called to marry would not make me feel imprisoned or trapped, but would give me freedom to be my authentic self, freedom to be a radiant witness for the Lord together, and freedom to love God, my neighbor, and myself more authentically.
Freedom is huge in a relationship. No, not the philosophy of freedom given by Wiz Kalifa and Snoop Dogg; their “freedom” allows them to get drunk, smoke weed, and be a player for them hoes. No. Authentic freedom enables us to do what is right. Freedom in a relationship has the signs of peace and joy. A lack of freedom in a relationship gives you that anxiety in your belly, that “icky” feeling, that unrest.
So, my question to you (if you are in a relationship with someone to whom you are not married) is this: Does your relationship help you to be freer or less free? Is your relationship life-giving or life-sucking?
Here are some questions that you should ask yourself.
Some questions are bigger “no-brainers” than others. We’ll start with the “no-brainer” red flags at the top and go to more subtle signs you aren’t free in a relationship to be the man or woman of God you were created to be.
If you say “yes” to any of these questions, you should get out of that relationship:
Does your significant other abuse you physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually?
Do they pressure you to sin or make fun of you for not sinning? (Calling you a “prude” because you won’t do sexual things with them, making you feel guilty for not getting drinking/getting drunk, pressuring you to see a smutty movie or watch pornography, or pressuring you to live with them, etc.)
Do you feel like you are being used as an object for their pleasure?
Are you afraid of bringing up tough issues, annoyances, or frustrations, for fear they might get defensive, lash out at you, or shut down?
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with what you say or do for fear they might break up with you (again)?
Are you afraid to show your weaknesses, because they expect you to be perfect?
Do you have that constant pit of anxiety in your belly either when you are with them or apart from them? Do you feel that anxiety when you think of marrying them?
Are you staying with them out of lust, out of fear of being alone, out of security, or out of fear of never finding anyone else who will be with you?
Are you confused about the relationship constantly? Do you go back and forth about whether or not this is “the one?”
Do you feel relieved when they are gone?
If you say “no” to any of these questions, you should re-think your relationship:
Are you free to be your true self (who you are with your best girl friends or guy friends)?
Do you feel loved in who you are, even in your weaknesses?
Do you feel challenged to be a better, holier person?
Are you free to be child-like, to laugh, to have joy with your significant other?
Do you feel challenged spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically?
Is your relationship healing? Is their love helping you to deal with issues of the past without them being a “savior” to you (rather, they point you to “the Savior” for healing)?
Are you willing to spend 24 hours 7 days a week with them for the rest of your life?
Are they your best friend with whom you have romance?
Bobby and I will be praying for all those who read this blog, that you may truly do God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2)
-Jackie
JACKIE FRANCOIS
SINGER/SONGWRITER, WORSHIP LEADER, SPEAKER
THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Besides choosing to give Christ my entire heart and life at 18 (after falling in love with Him in the Eucharist), the best decision I ever made was to wait 28 years for the man of my dreams. There were so many times I could’ve settled for a nice Catholic guy who treated me well and bored me to tears. I knew I never wanted to tell my children, “Well, your dad loved me and seemed nice enough, so I married him.” Ugh. Gag me with a spork. Heck no. I knew I wanted to tell my children, “I waited patiently for a man I was passionately in love with, who led me to holiness, who was my best friend, and who I couldn’t wait to be married to!” Sure enough, when Bobby Angel came along, I knew I found that man.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of confused and conflicted young adults out there who seem tempted to settle for a spouse. There are a lot of people who date because it’s nice to have a warm body gazing back at you. Listen carefully to me: there are tons of holy, attractive, fun people out there. (I know, because I’m trying to play matchmaker and set them all up with each other). Seriously, though, you are only called to marry one of them. You are not called to be a polygamist (thank God!). Just because you date an attractive, holy Catholic doesn’t mean he/she is the “one.” In the past, every time I met a single Catholic guy, my head would always say, “Is this the one? Is this the one?” I was like a hamster on crack (like most single Catholic young adults who see every other single Catholic young adult as a target for romance). I kept rationalizing my good Catholic guy dates, saying, “Well, he doesn’t make me laugh, but I could deal with that,” or “I’m not really attracted to him, but I don’t want to be vain so I could deal with that” or “We really don’t have great conversations, but I could be a like a cloistered wife vowed to silence for the rest of my life, right?”
When I met Bobby, though, everything clicked. I didn’t have to rationalize anything. In fact, both of us are still in shock that two human beings could fit so perfectly (even in our faults) with each other. I’m sure God watches us stumble through relationships, laughing and thinking, “Oh you of little faith. Why do you not trust me?” Sure enough, when we settle, it’s because we don’t trust God enough. We don’t trust that God is a bigger romantic than we are, that God is the most passionate being there is (in fact, who endured the passion out of love for us), and who wants the absolute best for our lives. When we don’t trust God, we commit the original sin of Adam and Eve all over again: we grasp at the gift of “knowledge” rather than wait for God to give us the gift He’s had for us all along (see CCC 396-397). In Fill These Hearts, Christopher West writes, “That’s pride at its root: we don’t trust in God’s designs, so we choose to follow our own” (p. 112). Remember: God is the one who has amazing plans for us, “plans for our welfare not for woe, plans for a future full of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). It’s the stupid devil who wants us to grasp at relationships and who tempts us to settle for what’s just “okay.”
To me, some of the most courageous men and women are those who break off their relationships out of love for the other. They realize that the other person deserves someone better than them, that they are wasting the other’s time from finding their true vocation (whether be it to another person in marriage or maybe even a vocation to celibacy as a priest, nun, sister, brother, consecrated, or single person), or that they would be settling for a life of eye-rolling and frustration. This is extremely difficult. Bobby and I can speak from experience—he broke off an engagement and I broke up with a man who was a month from proposing. In the end, we were both extremely glad that the Holy Spirit convicted us and helped us have courage (a word that literally means, “to act from the heart”) to do what was best for all.
When I was single, I told myself, “I would rather be joyful and single than miserable with someone.” Why? Because I know that God wants us to be radiant witnesses of his love to the world. When I was single, I was totally free to do this because I had peace and joy founded in Christ who completely satisfied me. When I was in previous relationships, however, I was filled with anxiety, wondering if the guy didn’t get my sense of humor, didn’t like my craziness, didn’t like my love for Daily Mass, the Rosary or Adoration. I changed myself for the guys and didn’t like who I was with them. I knew that the man I was called to marry would not make me feel imprisoned or trapped, but would give me freedom to be my authentic self, freedom to be a radiant witness for the Lord together, and freedom to love God, my neighbor, and myself more authentically.
Freedom is huge in a relationship. No, not the philosophy of freedom given by Wiz Kalifa and Snoop Dogg; their “freedom” allows them to get drunk, smoke weed, and be a player for them hoes. No. Authentic freedom enables us to do what is right. Freedom in a relationship has the signs of peace and joy. A lack of freedom in a relationship gives you that anxiety in your belly, that “icky” feeling, that unrest.
So, my question to you (if you are in a relationship with someone to whom you are not married) is this: Does your relationship help you to be freer or less free? Is your relationship life-giving or life-sucking?
Here are some questions that you should ask yourself.
Some questions are bigger “no-brainers” than others. We’ll start with the “no-brainer” red flags at the top and go to more subtle signs you aren’t free in a relationship to be the man or woman of God you were created to be.
If you say “yes” to any of these questions, you should get out of that relationship:
Does your significant other abuse you physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually?
Do they pressure you to sin or make fun of you for not sinning? (Calling you a “prude” because you won’t do sexual things with them, making you feel guilty for not getting drinking/getting drunk, pressuring you to see a smutty movie or watch pornography, or pressuring you to live with them, etc.)
Do you feel like you are being used as an object for their pleasure?
Are you afraid of bringing up tough issues, annoyances, or frustrations, for fear they might get defensive, lash out at you, or shut down?
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with what you say or do for fear they might break up with you (again)?
Are you afraid to show your weaknesses, because they expect you to be perfect?
Do you have that constant pit of anxiety in your belly either when you are with them or apart from them? Do you feel that anxiety when you think of marrying them?
Are you staying with them out of lust, out of fear of being alone, out of security, or out of fear of never finding anyone else who will be with you?
Are you confused about the relationship constantly? Do you go back and forth about whether or not this is “the one?”
Do you feel relieved when they are gone?
If you say “no” to any of these questions, you should re-think your relationship:
Are you free to be your true self (who you are with your best girl friends or guy friends)?
Do you feel loved in who you are, even in your weaknesses?
Do you feel challenged to be a better, holier person?
Are you free to be child-like, to laugh, to have joy with your significant other?
Do you feel challenged spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically?
Is your relationship healing? Is their love helping you to deal with issues of the past without them being a “savior” to you (rather, they point you to “the Savior” for healing)?
Are you willing to spend 24 hours 7 days a week with them for the rest of your life?
Are they your best friend with whom you have romance?
Bobby and I will be praying for all those who read this blog, that you may truly do God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2)
-Jackie
Lucia
Well-Known Member
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/i-married-a-man-im-not-attracted-to-now-what/
I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?
Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya
Aw, Jesus, Maya.
You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.
“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?
I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.
You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
“A certain type of face seems attractive”?
I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.
Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…
“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”
So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.
Got it.
My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.
Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.
This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.
But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.
Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.
And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?
I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?
Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya
Aw, Jesus, Maya.
You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.
“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?
I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.
You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
“A certain type of face seems attractive”?
I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.
Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…
“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”
So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.
Got it.
My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.
Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.
This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.
But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.
Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.
And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?
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Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
Random musings on singleness:
- I don't know what you other single ladies' living arrangements are, but I live by myself. Lately I've been debating about whether I should remain living alone or look for a roommate. Anyhoo, my current work situation doesn't permit me to do this, but we'll see in the future.
- How will you ladies be celebrating the holidays? Any plans yet? For me it will probably be at my mom's place or in Holland at my eldest sister's home, I'll have to check with my sisters.
- This year I finished reading the Bible after two years (Hallelujah!) so for next year I hope the yearly devotional I usually buy will be available as it wasn't this year for some reason. It's called 'Le Pain Du Jour' (The Daily Bread) and I liked it so much because it's written by the African Diaspora, literally people located in Africa and the Caribbean islands. I've also purchased three notebooks, 0.89eur/each at a discount store, I'll be using them to take notes in church in addition to recording the sermons. Hope to one day pass it all on to my future children or just younger people in my family #legacybuildingtoolhaha. Here's a pic:
- also ladies: what are y'alls spiritual plans for next year? Any retreats planned? Collective or individual? Share the wealth
Have a nice hump day!
- I don't know what you other single ladies' living arrangements are, but I live by myself. Lately I've been debating about whether I should remain living alone or look for a roommate. Anyhoo, my current work situation doesn't permit me to do this, but we'll see in the future.
- How will you ladies be celebrating the holidays? Any plans yet? For me it will probably be at my mom's place or in Holland at my eldest sister's home, I'll have to check with my sisters.
- This year I finished reading the Bible after two years (Hallelujah!) so for next year I hope the yearly devotional I usually buy will be available as it wasn't this year for some reason. It's called 'Le Pain Du Jour' (The Daily Bread) and I liked it so much because it's written by the African Diaspora, literally people located in Africa and the Caribbean islands. I've also purchased three notebooks, 0.89eur/each at a discount store, I'll be using them to take notes in church in addition to recording the sermons. Hope to one day pass it all on to my future children or just younger people in my family #legacybuildingtoolhaha. Here's a pic:
- also ladies: what are y'alls spiritual plans for next year? Any retreats planned? Collective or individual? Share the wealth
Have a nice hump day!
Lucia
Well-Known Member
Random musings on singleness:
- I don't know what you other single ladies' living arrangements are, but I live by myself. Lately I've been debating about whether I should remain living alone or look for a roommate. Anyhoo, my current work situation doesn't permit me to do this, but we'll see in the future.
- How will you ladies be celebrating the holidays? Any plans yet? For me it will probably be at my mom's place or in Holland at my eldest sister's home, I'll have to check with my sisters.
- This year I finished reading the Bible after two years (Hallelujah!) so for next year I hope the yearly devotional I usually buy will be available as it wasn't this year for some reason. It's called 'Le Pain Du Jour' (The Daily Bread) and I liked it so much because it's written by the African Diaspora, literally people located in Africa and the Caribbean islands. I've also purchased three notebooks, 0.89eur/each at a discount store, I'll be using them to take notes in church in addition to recording the sermons. Hope to one day pass it all on to my future children or just younger people in my family #legacybuildingtoolhaha. Here's a pic:
View attachment 339263
- also ladies: what are y'alls spiritual plans for next year? Any retreats planned? Collective or individual? Share the wealth
@Maracujá
Be careful what kind of roommate you choose you know what I mean make sure they're down with your program.
That sounds like a good book to have can you link to it? TIA
I still live with family it's good because I have support sometimes people see it as a minus but I pull my own weight and help out it's not like I'm on the couch with no job on PlayStation all day long gaming.
Usually for the holidays the family tries to all get together so it actually helps with the being single thing and sometimes one person might ask something but they're pretty good about not asking me all the time about why I'm still single.
I've made a prayer journal to give to my hubby as a gift like in the post praying for you future husband pray to be a good future wife that post is a couple pages back.
Also this week I'm making a bible study binder to go along with the reading schedule it's read the Bible and CCC in a year.
I found online and including a page with prayer requests (you SLR ladies are in there collectively) and people who I know NEED prayer even when they don't ask.
I've banned myself off social media FB TWTR etc
I only go to info, news blogs online shopping and here.
For next year learn grow in God Jesus and the HS and be expectant that my hubby is on his way or already here.
I have a lot of other things I will be doing next year lots of changes so I will pray on that as well.
These links
http://alovelycalling.com/prayers-for-becoming-a-future-wife/
http://alovelycalling.com/prayers-for-my-future-husband/
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