Showing Him That You Need Him.

[PrissiSippi]

You know the line from one of those movies (I believe BEST MAN HOLIDAY) when the guy says I feel like you dont need me. The girl turns to him and said....well... it's because I don't. I don't need you. That's my personality type. I've done a lot of soul searching and realize I have gotten this trait from my mother. The good thing is that I don't need your praise for me to do what I do. Cook, clean, iron, blah blah I'm not super woman but if I can make time...I will because I care.

On the flip side. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I'm jealous of the chicken head chicks. The time is long gone now, but when I look back every single one of my exes left me for a girl that was not smarter or prettier or could better their life more. They left for a woman that needed them. Even though their lifestyle would have never fit in with mine....I see these girls now. No job. Kids out of wedlock. But the guy still provides for them. Nails done. Hair done. Buys house. Buys car. WITH NO INPUT OR GUIDANCE OR MONEY FROM THE GIRL AT ALL. They might be a house that's in the hood or a car ten years old but still.....they guy came through. The girl NEEDED them to provide....and they did. And the men LOVE doing it!

I don't know how to let a man do things for me. If it's something that I can do, I never give a man the chance to do it for me. I go ahead and do it. Some of it is fine, but it's also one thing to be TOO independent.

And then it's really a struggle for me to say thank you for the things a man does to me. It's like pulling teeth with my soul. My mother has NEVER said thank you. Instead it was "That's what you're supposed to do. You're the man of the house". That in turn creates an environment where he doesn't feel motivated to do anything for her. She never shows appreciation and she can do it herself so...he lets her.

I do not want this type of relationship. My relationship is totally different from theirs but I realize this is something I really need to work on. So I have been reading the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" but I want to know your insight.

 

[LivingInPeace]

You know the line from one of those movies (I believe BEST MAN HOLIDAY) when the guy says I feel like you dont need me. The girl turns to him and said....well... it's because I don't. I don't need you. That's my personality type. I've done a lot of soul searching and realize I have gotten this trait from my mother. The good thing is that I don't need your praise for me to do what I do. Cook, clean, iron, blah blah I'm not super woman but if I can make time...I will because I care.

On the flip side. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I'm jealous of the chicken head chicks. The time is long gone now, but when I look back every single one of my exes left me for a girl that was not smarter or prettier or could better their life more. They left for a woman that needed them. Even though their lifestyle would have never fit in with mine....I see these girls now. No job. Kids out of wedlock. But the guy still provides for them. Nails done. Hair done. Buys house. Buys car. WITH NO INPUT OR GUIDANCE OR MONEY FROM THE GIRL AT ALL. They might be a house that's in the hood or a car ten years old but still.....they guy came through. The girl NEEDED them to provide....and they did. And the men LOVE doing it!

I don't know how to let a man do things for me. If it's something that I can do, I never give a man the chance to do it for me. I go ahead and do it. Some of it is fine, but it's also one thing to be TOO independent.

And then it's really a struggle for me to say thank you for the things a man does to me. It's like pulling teeth with my soul. My mother has NEVER said thank you. Instead it was "That's what you're supposed to do. You're the man of the house". That in turn creates an environment where he doesn't feel motivated to do anything for her. She never shows appreciation and she can do it herself so...he lets her.

I do not want this type of relationship. My relationship is totally different from theirs but I realize this is something I really need to work on. So I have been reading the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" but I want to know your insight.

Are you an oldest or only child?

 

[awhyley]

*pulls up a chair, marking my spot*

This one's gonna be good. Can't wait for the responses. As an older child, I'm used to doing the heavy lifting, and can't seem to stop myself. If someone isn't doing something the way I feel that it should be done, or in the timeframe that I feel it should be done, I'll do it myself. The 'Thank You" issue is a little different though. I feel that the men I encounter want women to pucker up and kiss their butt even before they do anything. I don't know if motivation is the issue rather than men wanting to get their egos stroked. I wait more responses.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Are you an oldest or only child?

I'm actually the baby. BUT I think as a kid with a disability I've been drilled that you can do whatever you want to do by yourself. Don't wait on the world to do xyz do it yourself.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I'm actually the baby. BUT I think as a kid with a disability I've been drilled that you can do whatever you want to do by yourself. Don't wait on the world to do xyz do it yourself.

Tell me the things you would like to have done for you.
As for thanking him, you have to practice it. Start with little things, like him opening a door or passing you the salt at the table. Start saying thank you until it becomes habit.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Tell me the things you would like to have done for you.
As for thanking him, you have to practice it. Start with little things, like him opening a door or passing you the salt at the table. Start saying thank you until it becomes habit.

Wow. I really don't know hahaha. I'm guessing I would like him to occasionally fill up my tank. Or ask me would I like my nails done. Or ask if I would like anything in particular from the store. Or just here is $50 or so do as you please. Currently I have my bills I pay. He has his. Nothing extra will be given but I feel it is because he knows I hold his own. I don't need his money and he doesn't need mine. But just the gesture would be nice

 

[LivingInPeace]

Wow. I really don't know hahaha. I'm guessing I would like him to occasionally fill up my tank. Or ask me would I like my nails done. Or ask if I would like anything in particular from the store. Or just here is $50 or so do as you please. Currently I have my bills I pay. He has his. Nothing extra will be given but I feel it is because he knows I hold his own. I don't need his money and he doesn't need mine. But just the gesture would be nice

You need to plant seeds. In other words, you have to say and do things that make it seem like it was his idea to do it for you.

 

[Lymegreen]

I think part of this is a control issue (not in a negative way) but in a real way you may feel the need to be in control of certain areas of your life. ei. Your way isn't always the right way. There's more than one way to skin a cat...etc

Another part of it could be a trust issue (not in a negative way) but do you really trust anyone else to come through for you as good as you can for yourself. Which goes back to control.

I would look closely at those to things and move in a way that is comfortable for you until you find balance.

ETA;

Thank you's go a long way for sure. Especially as time goes on. It's nice to be appreciated which I know you know.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I think part of this is a control issue (not in a negative way) but in a real way you may feel the need to be in control of certain areas of your life. ei. Your way isn't always the right way. There's more than one way to skin a cat...etc

Another part of it could be a trust issue (not in a negative way) but do you really trust anyone else to come through for you as good as you can for yourself. Which goes back to control.

I would look closely at those to things and move in a way that is comfortable for you until you find balance.

ETA;

Thank you's go a long way for sure. Especially as time goes on. It's nice to be appreciated which I know you know.

I couldn't agree with you more when I think about it. It's so hard for me to trust because when you do people let you down. And I have heard that I want things done a certain way so that's the control component. I have worked on letting people do them and just adding new suggestions here and there. It's so funny that as a teacher I have no problem in doing this but as a companion....I do.

 

[LoveisYou]

How do you ask a man to support you when you're having a bad day? Forget the manipulation and pretenses, who do you reach out to when you want/need support. If you feel sad or down do you share those feelings? Are you ok with asking a man for what you need?

Do you trust your man to take care of you when you need him to? (Not necessarily financially but in other ways like emotionally)

I've struggled w/ vulnerability too until I met someone who called me out and sat me down and told me how my fear of vulnerability affected him and "us." It was a lesson I NEEDED to learn and one I'm glad that I'm learning.

 

[Mai Tai]

It all starts with first opening your mouth and telling your husband what you need. He is not a mind reader so expecting him to automatically do things that you never expressed to him is insanity.

When my husband and I first started dating, even if I had a bank account full of money, I would sweetly ask him for a little money to get my nails done like "Hey baby, I know money is tight, but my nails are a mess and I was really hoping you had a little extra money so I can look pretty for you." Next thing I know, he's gone to the ATM and given me money for a mani/pedi, starbucks, and something special for myself. Now, he just does it on his own.

I understand your fear of being vulnerable but worrying about someone letting you down has never kept it from happening has it? When has worrying ever kept bad things from happening? We are all human, and are bound to let those we love down in some form or another so you might as well enjoy growing and opening up to your husband, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Lymegreen]

I couldn't agree with you more when I think about it. It's so hard for me to trust because when you do people let you down. And I have heard that I want things done a certain way so that's the control component. I have worked on letting people do them and just adding new suggestions here and there. It's so funny that as a teacher I have no problem in doing this but as a companion....I do.

This is something I used to struggle with.

Now, if my husband is driving he can run us into a ditch and I wouldn't say a word . WE will just be struggling together getting out of the ditch.

If I don't want to take the chance that he'd crash - then I'll drive.

That's the only way I've been able to keep my sanity. I was single for 15 years so my independent gene is strong too.

 

[Dee Raven]

I have dealt with this issue as well, so I have a couple of thoughts and there are some really great threads on this site that you can read/reference. So the first thing, is that there is a thread on a book called "Calling in the One" it's still pretty recent. One of the exercises in the book is to write down all of the agreements that you made in childhood that you still adhere to even if they currently aren't having a beneficial effect on your life. So it sounds like with regards to the "Thank Yous" that you've made an agreement somewhere along the line to not verbally affirm men for acts that are considered mandatory. You can simply release that. You don't have to agree to that any longer. "From now on, I will acknowledge all acts carried out for my benefit." And this could be a very huge step for you because if you're not acknowledging the loving acts that men carry out for you, then it also means that you're not receiving the love that they are giving you as well because you're not recognizing it. When a man takes out the trash every week without you asking so that you don't have to live in a smelly, filthy house, what an incredible display of love for you. He's not taking anyone else's trash out. That's just for you.

Secondly, with regards to vulnerability, I've had that issue for so long. One thing that really helped me, and please nobody stone me, was Steve Harvey's book "Think like a man". Particularly, the idea that real men do these three things: Profess, provide and protect. I grew up with an absent father so I had no idea that men were supposed to be doing that, or that it mattered to them to do that. But the idea really resonated with me over the years, and it has become an entry point for me to begin being more vulnerable. When a man does those three things, I allow it and I enjoy it. The guy I'm with now always wants to walk on the street side of the sidewalk. And sometimes I'll end up on the street side and he may not immediately notice. But as soon as a car is coming he will gently tug me to the inside. I love it. And I feel safer, therefore I'm willing to take more risk with this man, where he continues to prove that he will protect me or provide for me or profess our relationship. And so it creates this positive spiral of mutual trust, vulnerability, kindness, love, etc.

And there are no words to explain how much lighter you will feel when you no longer have to do everything by yourself. I grew up with the most amazing black women. They could do everything. And the men were absent, so I grew up in this tradition of super black woman. That's who I was raised to be. And I have done it very well. But it wears on you. It's very expensive in terms of your effort, time. Have you ever felt that? Because if you have, then that is the exact place where you can begin to share your load with another person.

And lastly, but most importantly, I think you should be very careful with how you are judging yourself in past relationships. You may not have been vulnerable in your previous relationships and it very likely could have been your gut instinct stepping in and guiding you. Not all men are worthy or capable of respecting your vulnerability. Your mind may not recognize it, but I have found the my intuition immediately does. The second I met someone that I felt safe with, vulnerability was no longer an issue. So definitely don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Mai Tai]

How do you ask a man to support you when you're having a bad day? Forget the manipulation and pretenses, who do you reach out to when you want/need support. If you feel sad or down do you share those feelings? Are you ok with asking a man for what you need?

Do you trust your man to take care of you when you need him to? (Not necessarily financially but in other ways like emotionally)

Yes...you flat out ask him then trust that he will be there for you.

If I'm hurt or pissed about something that happened at work or with family and friends, and my husband is not getting the picture that I need his support and he starts rambling about football, instead of getting pissed over what I think he SHOULD do, I will say, "Hey baby, I'm in a lot of pain right now and I will really appreciate it if I could talk to you for a few minutes."

After that he rushes to my side, listens, wipes tears, etc. Once I've gotten my feelings off my chest, I than thank him for listening and being so supportive. Over time he may get it, he may not, but at least when I open my mouth and tell him I need him, he is there...hands down.

 

[Lymegreen]

How do you ask a man to support you when you're having a bad day? Forget the manipulation and pretenses, who do you reach out to when you want/need support. If you feel sad or down do you share those feelings? Are you ok with asking a man for what you need?

Do you trust your man to take care of you when you need him to? (Not necessarily financially but in other ways like emotionally)

I've struggled w/ vulnerability too until I met someone who called me out and sat me down and told me how my fear of vulnerability affected him and "us." It was a lesson I NEEDED to learn and one I'm glad that I'm learning.

I like this thread because I'm newly marriage (4 years) and struggled through this as well.

I just cry if I needed. You'd be surprised how natural it would be for him to comfort you.

Also, if I am not weepy then I will just ask him to hold me. Or cuddle etc. If he asked why then I will tell him my Feelings, not necessarily the long story. ya know?

But, yea.. you need your mate to support you emotionally as well and vice versa.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great thread OP! Very interesting topic.

*pulls up a chair, marking my spot*

This one's gonna be good. Can't wait for the responses. As an older child, I'm used to doing the heavy lifting, and can't seem to stop myself. If someone isn't doing something the way I feel that it should be done, or in the timeframe that I feel it should be done, I'll do it myself. The 'Thank You" issue is a little different though. I feel that the men I encounter want women to pucker up and kiss their butt even before they do anything. I don't know if motivation is the issue rather than men wanting to get their egos stroked. I wait more responses.

Omg this is SO me! I'm also an Oldest Child, and I've noticed over the years that I'm starting to get sick and tired of being the "strong one", the "responsible one", the "mature one", etc. My younger sister is the youngest and I feel like she had a totally different upbringing than I did at times, and we lived in the same household! erplexed

As a single mother, my mom depended on me a lot while growing up. To this day I STILL feel like she depends on me. Even though we don't live together, I find that I'm the one she constantly comes to for advice, for being the "voice of reason", for guidance, etc. Never my sister. At first I used to feel privileged, but now...I feel DRAINED. I feel like it would be nice to have someone comfort/guide ME instead. I find that my mom treats me more like a "girlfriend" at times, and I find that she doesn't do the same for my sister. With my sister she's definitely the "mommy" and my sister is the "daughter". I feel like I didn't really get that.

Hence, this has hindered me in my relationships with men over the years as well. While my sister has been married for years, I'm still single and longing to be married. I'm living a fabulous single life right now (don't get me wrong lol ), but I find that my super "responsible" and "strong" "I can do it all by myself" attitude has not really gotten me far with guys/men. It's funny, because most of the guys I feel I attract are NOT men that I would want. I tend to attract more beta men, whereas I prefer more Alpha, strong, in charge, confident men. Maybe my "strong" vibe (which a LOT of bw are taught to be mind you) is turning the alpha men off, because opposites attract.

Idk...I feel like I'm having some sort of epiphany here...

I definitely need to work on being more vulnerable and open, and LESS "oh I'll just do it myself" mentality.

I think part of this is a control issue (not in a negative way) but in a real way you may feel the need to be in control of certain areas of your life. ei. Your way isn't always the right way. There's more than one way to skin a cat...etc

Another part of it could be a trust issue (not in a negative way) but do you really trust anyone else to come through for you as good as you can for yourself. Which goes back to control.

I would look closely at those to things and move in a way that is comfortable for you until you find balance.

This is GREAT advice!! This made me think as well.

 

[LiftedUp]

You need to plant seeds. In other words, you have to say and do things that make it seem like it was his idea to do it for you.

I plant seeds - Keep saying how much I need to do my nails, how I hate walking around with raggedy nails, how I had to wear closed toed shoes on our date cuz my toes need to be done .

My hair - Drop how I need to do my hair and my hair stylist charges a fortune.

My phone - well he sees the condition of my phone and point blanked asked if I want a new one

I run around being the damsel. But I know how to butter him up and how to shut up and make him feel manly. My mother used to serve my father his meal wherever he was (watching the game etc.) and it kind of irked me until I got hipped to her game. I'm not sure if she intentionally knows what she's doing but she's very straightforward like @MaiTai but I'm not that bold

 

[PrissiSippi]

It all starts with first opening your mouth and telling your husband what you need. He is not a mind reader so expecting him to automatically do things that you never expressed to him is insanity.

When my husband and I first started dating, even if I had a bank account full of money, I would sweetly ask him for a little money to get my nails done like "Hey baby, I know money is tight, but my nails are a mess and I was really hoping you had a little extra money so I can look pretty for you." Next thing I know, he's gone to the ATM and given me money for a mani/pedi, starbucks, and something special for myself. Now, he just does it on his own.

I understand your fear of being vulnerable but worrying about someone letting you down has never kept it from happening has it? When has worrying ever kept bad things from happening? We are all human, and are bound to let those we love down in some form or another so you might as well enjoy growing and opening up to your husband, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This is it!! This is what I don't know how to do. You know how you added the "so I can look pretty for you" I don't know how to do that. Well I do when I hear you say it but like that doesn't just pop in my head. Give me more examples lol.

 

[**SaSSy**]

Wow. I really don't know hahaha. I'm guessing I would like him to occasionally fill up my tank. Or ask me would I like my nails done. Or ask if I would like anything in particular from the store. Or just here is $50 or so do as you please. Currently I have my bills I pay. He has his. Nothing extra will be given but I feel it is because he knows I hold his own. I don't need his money and he doesn't need mine. But just the gesture would be nice

I remember you now from back in the day (2008-2009) I didn't know you changed your font name

 

[Mai Tai]

This is it!! This is what I don't know how to do. You know how you added the "so I can look pretty for you" I don't know how to do that. Well I do when I hear you say it but like that doesn't just pop in my head. Give me more examples lol.

It takes time and patience because I am VERY independent and have had to work daily on letting my husband take care of me. I'v started with little things like:

- Letting him set up my laptop, our household computer, new phones etc., even though I am fully capable of doing these things myself.

- One time our dryer malfunctioned and instead of calling maintenance, he started tinkering around with it himself. I was about to get on his case but decided against it and to my surprise, he actually ended up fixing it. When I heard the dryer turn on, I started clapping and celebrating and told him how thankful I was that we didn't need to wait for maintenance. His chest was poked out for days after that.

 

[Fine 4s]

I've been implementing small steps as well.
I can't wait to wear my white dress this summer with delicate heels, hair out and nails done smelling devine. I will not pick up a THANG that day lol

 

[shespoison]

I love this thread. I used to have trouble accepting and asking for help until lhcf .

It helps that my SO is a bit older so a just naturally expect more. I just mention and point out things that i want. The first few times it was unintentional. I would say I'm going to buy or I wanted something and he would text me a picture of the item.

I never had an issue with expressing gratitude. I literally squeal and jump up and down when he "surprise" me with gifts. It's not fake or anything, it's just feels great to have someone who is paying attention and cares for my needs/wants.

 

[MizAvalon]

This is an awesome thread. I think a lot of women will be helped by this.

 

[Prettymetty]

I make him feel good about his strengths and boost his ego so that when I ask him to do something he does it willingly. For example: "Baby your truck looks so nice. You are so good with your hands... If you have some free time can you wash mine too?"

Now I could pay to get it detailed, but making him feel needed and saving money is a win win

 

[Ruby True]

This topic raises so many issues for me I read an article this week that men preferred dumber women because they prioritize their men. I don't know how to reach out I feel like it's a sign of weakness but I've been told men crave the attention. How then does a "strong" woman find the balance I don't want to loose myself but I need to be able to show a man that he is needed

 

[shespoison]

I don't think intelligence has anything to do with it. I don't think I necessarily prioritize "my man" like some of my friends do. I do, however offer more praise, appreciation and affection. I also expect more and take substantially less sh*t than all of the combined.

 

[Taleah2009]

I make him feel good about his strengths and boost his ego so that when I ask him to do something he does it willingly. For example: "Baby your truck looks so nice. You are so good with your hands... If you have some free time can you wash mine too?"

Now I could pay to get it detailed, but making him feel needed and saving money is a win win

Lawd this does not work on my hubby to be. He always feels like I'm gaming him when I butter him up like that lol

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm detailing my car this weekend but I actually want to do it myself lol

 

[hopeful]

It takes time and patience because I am VERY independent and have had to work daily on letting my husband take care of me. I'v started with little things like:

- Letting him set up my laptop, our household computer, new phones etc., even though I am fully capable of doing these things myself.

- One time our dryer malfunctioned and instead of calling maintenance, he started tinkering around with it himself. I was about to get on his case but decided against it and to my surprise, he actually ended up fixing it. When I heard the dryer turn on, I started clapping and celebrating and told him how thankful I was that we didn't need to wait for maintenance. His chest was poked out for days after that.

Loving every single one of your posts in here.

 

[Mai Tai]

Loving every single one of your posts in here.

@hopeful

Thanks! I will absolutely love to hear your input on this as well. You always give such sound relationship perspectives that I have actually used in real life.