Should I trust my gut and run far away? (long)

[luckiestdestiny]

Makes me wonder about your bff's choice in men (and relationships). How dare she yell at you for making a choice that affects your life and is harmful to no one in any way. You have a right to move on if you so see fit (and in this case you definitely should move on). Trust your instincts. You don't want to kick yourself later. This guy didn't have the decency to finish a phone call and instead dodged you. Even if he's scared or nervous...that all the more proves that your decision was right as it makes him a punk .


Believe in your decision. You really don't want this hot mess in your life. Don't let him or your bff make you concede when you have a right to your personal decision. This is not their life and it doesn't matter what they want. You don't have to force a fit. If you're not right for each other, and you have red flags, then it doesn't matter how "nice" you think a person is...they are just not right for you. He's not going to give you what you need. Throw that fish right back in the ocean and kim.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Mai Tai Lucie Christa438 MzLady78 luckiestdestiny DarkJoy Crystalicequeen123 and others who responded already...

I called him and told him that I can't see him anymore. Straight up. No sugar coating. He asked why, I told him, and then he said "let me call you back." I asked, "why," and he responded, "someone is calling me." He never called me back and sent me a text instead. He said that he was having a bad day, and that he'd talk to me tomorrow...

I instantly felt awful. And it doesn't help that my best friend yelled at me, saying that I'm punishing him for how my ex boyfriend treated me which was very similar minus the lying and virginity issue.

I'm so confused. I'm no longer sure if I did the right thing. Maybe I messed up. Maybe I should have waited to see how the following week turned out.

isawstars

I know it's just fresh and I don't want to be insensitive, but giiiiirrrrrll you dodged a bullet.

I know it's painful how he reacted, but honestly I think you did the right thing in cutting things off with him. You deserve SO much better than what this boy (yea I said boy ) is giving you.

A Guy who is TRULY into you and views you as his Dream girl wouldn't dare treat you like this. I wouldn't even treat a platonic friend like this, let alone a guy I had feelings for. He should at the VERY least called you back when he said he would. Plus, the way he abruptly had to leave to take another call was suspicious also. Even if the call were really important,a guy who is REALLY into you and knows how to treat a woman should say: "hey babe, I'm sorry but I gotta take this call....it's my boss/mother/dying uncle in the hospital/etc, but don't go anywhere because I'm going to give you a call right back. We definitely need to talk...." And then he would CALL back like he said he would!

So don't feel too bad. Girl, if it were me I would relieved after dumping his virgin, commitment-phobic, flaky, back-tracking, I've-never-had-a-girlfriend butt.... You need a MAN......not a little boy.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Staying with him means you are accepting this behavior as the new normal. Think about that anytime you question your decision.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Staying with him means you are accepting this behavior as the new normal. Think about that anytime you question your decision.

Mind BLOWN I like this way of thinking. I agree anyways but it's a good "addition" to reminding oneself to stay firm to a decision.

 

[Mortons]

Do not stay into contact with him, there is simply no point. What he told you in the beginning about you all not getting married, being for practice and him being unprepared was the truth. What he told you to try to get you to stay is a bold faced lie. Being with a liar is always a bad idea.

 

[ambergirl]

For a whole host of reasons it makes sense to
not pin your hopes on this guy. But I have to say it sounds like the way you ended it lacked compassion. This man shared with you one of his deepest secrets...so deep he felt compelled to lie about it. Not to mention that his virginity may be covering up another secret...like problems with the equipment or struggles with sexuality. Most likely he now thinks you are rejecting him because he exposed this vulnerability and not for the other very good reasons you needed to end it

I had a similar situation when I was in my twenties. A friend confided in me that he was a virgin and that he wanted to know if I would be open to being with him because I seemed like a kind person who would be patient and understanding. I was so stunned I just said no. Literally just the word "no". I will never forget the look on his face. Embarrassed, shame, hurt. Ugh! Awful. He just ran away.

Now no way in h*ll was sleeping with him going to happen, but I wish I had taken a moment to respond in a way that appreciated how difficult it was for him to expose his vulnerability.

Not getting serious with him was the right thing to do. But preserving the friendship by ending it gently might have been. Water under the bridge now, but just some thoughts.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

For a whole host of reasons it makes sense to
not pin your hopes on this guy. But I have to say it sounds like the way you ended it lacked compassion. This man shared with you one of his deepest secrets...so deep he felt compelled to lie about it. Not to mention that his virginity may be covering up another secret...like problems with the equipment or struggles with sexuality. Most likely he now thinks you are rejecting him because he exposed this vulnerability and not for the other very good reasons you needed to end it

I had a similar situation when I was in my twenties. A friend confided in me that he was a virgin and that he wanted to know if I would be open to being with him because I seemed like a kind person who would be patient and understanding. I was so stunned I just said no. Literally just the word "no". I will never forget the look on his face. Embarrassed, shame, hurt. Ugh! Awful. He just ran away.

Now no way in h*ll was sleeping with him going to happen, but I wish I had taken a moment to respond in a way that appreciated how difficult it was for him to expose his vulnerability.

Not getting serious with him was the right thing to do. But preserving the friendship by ending it gently might have been. Water under the bridge now, but just some thoughts.

Glad I'm not the only one thinking it. The sexuality thing popped in my head when I read her post because most people that age will not have trouble with equipment (coupled with the lack of excitement). It's more if they want to use it or abstain.

As for the rest I feel like...meh. I think she's as sensitive as she should be to a guy who basically told her he doesn't see himself with her in an insensitive way. I don't think she needs to coddle him. And it could lead to keeping someone in her life she may need to cut. I think her situation is different than yours .She provided more than an one syllable answer vs your "no" answer....and he...well he took another phone call then text her later. I'm sensing a lot of immaturity on his part coupled with possible sexuality struggles and a willingness to use her as a possible beard while losing his virginity (if he can get it up) to her.

 

[LiftedUp]

Had to come back and read this with a fresh mind. I don't think that his intentions are good. It sounds to me like he's looking for someone to lose his virginity to.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Had to come back and read this with a fresh mind. I don't think that his intentions are good. It sounds to me like he's looking for someone to lose his virginity to.

if he can lose it..... Not sure if it will happen with her anyways because of his "problem". But he sure is going to give it a good try if she'll let him.

 

[isawstars]

Thank you so much ladies! I'm still struggling to be in control of my emotions. One minute I am relieved but the next minute I want to call him and tell him I made a mistake. I just continue to read your advice (over and over) and remind myself that there is someone better out there. It just sucks that it took me 3 years to feel this spark with someone new.

So, I'm doing my best to hang on and not cave. I have a history of doing that after a break up.

 

[ambergirl]

Glad I'm not the only one thinking it. The sexuality thing popped in my head when I read her post because most people that age will not have trouble with equipment (coupled with the lack of excitement). It's more if they want to use it or abstain. As for the rest I feel like...meh. I think she's as sensitive as she should be to a guy who basically told her he doesn't see himself with her in an insensitive way. I don't think she needs to coddle him. And it could lead to keeping someone in her life she may need to cut. I think her situation is different than yours .She provided more than a one syllable answer vs your "no" answer....and he...well he took another phone call then text her later. I'm sensing a lot of immaturity on his part coupled with possible sexuality struggles and a willingness to use her as a possible beard while losing his virginity (if he can get it up) to her.

Had to come back and read this with a fresh mind. I don't think that his intentions are good. It sounds to me like he's looking for someone to lose his virginity to.

Agree with both of you.

I chalk up his insensitivity to the fact that he's just trying to lose the cherry, not that he didn't like or care about the OP.

Personally OP, he's nowhere close to marriage at this point. He wants to have sex, maybe figure out his sexuality journey. You were right to let him go.

I would let it go.

 

[Mai Tai]

@Mai Tai @Lucie @Christa438 @MzLady78 @luckiestdestiny @DarkJoy @Crystalicequeen123 and others who responded already...

I called him and told him that I can't see him anymore. Straight up. No sugar coating. He asked why, I told him, and then he said "let me call you back." I asked, "why," and he responded, "someone is calling me." He never called me back and sent me a text instead. He said that he was having a bad day, and that he'd talk to me tomorrow...

I instantly felt awful. And it doesn't help that my best friend yelled at me, saying that I'm punishing him for how my ex boyfriend treated me which was very similar minus the lying and virginity issue.

I'm so confused. I'm no longer sure if I did the right thing. Maybe I messed up. Maybe I should have waited to see how the following week turned out.

Your bestie is silly...sorry if I offend you with that statement. She yelled at you for letting a man who FLAT OUT said he will never marry you go?

 

[Farida]

So is he a virgin out of choice( personal values, religion), or is it because ze crayon is broken? Is he a virgin because he's tried before and always gets stage fright? Seems like there are some other issues there..I'd listen to my gut if I were you and move on.

I think he is not by choice. Most virgins have no problem getting it up. There's too much going on. He may be gay of have sexual dysfunction which could be treatable by meds or linked to psychological problems.

 

[PhonyBaloney500]

The not letting you leave the room thing (and you emphasizing his size) and saying that you 'managed' to get to the living room gives me pause as well.

 

[Christa438]

We sure can allow a lot of stress and trouble into our lives all because we ignore the red flags and refuse to believe the truth the man is directly telling us or showing us. Only to look back after it's all said and done and say,"I shouldve listened to my mind/spirit/gut from the beginning." There were times when I was weak, and when I caved. I learned from those times even if it didnt seem like it lol. I remember when I finally said No more giving chances and No more caving when my spirit says No. I dont care how handsome/fine/cute he is, dont care if he makes me laugh, dont care how "steamy" it gets. 27 for ME was when I said "Never Again!" After that, I met Mr. Incredible (handsome, cute, very sexy imo, funny and fun ~we laugh all the time~ so much passion, spiritual, plus much more)... We all have the need to love and we want to be loved and to just "click" with someone in an unbelievable way. But it needs to be Real and what we want out of the relationship needs to be MUTUAL. Dont settle... If u do cave (I hope you dont, but it happens) you'll know for sure where it's going within a matter of months. Dont hang in there if it's a dead end or he's not treating you like you want and he's still not trustworthy with his answers.

 

[DarkJoy]

I think he is not by choice. Most virgins have no problem getting it up. There's too much going on. He may be gay of have sexual dysfunction which could be treatable by meds or linked to psychological problems.

Some Male virgins can have serious performance anxiety esp with an "experienced" partner. Can really be the case the longer they wait. We're not talking a 16yo who is a walking hormone but a grown man in mid 20s who may have built the experience up in his head for years and freAks himself out when the opportunity presents.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Some Male virgins can have serious performance anxiety esp with an "experienced" partner. Can really be the case the longer they wait. We're not talking a 16yo who is a walking hormone but a grown man in mid 20s who may have built the experience up in his head for years and freAks himself out when the opportunity presents.

Idk.

I know it was just a movie but I watched the 40 Year Old Virgin. Steve Carell said he researched the role thoroughly and spent time with adult male virgins. Erectile dysfuntion wasn't a common symptom.

It's sounding like he may be gay or not into her.