Should I tell Him?

[BeeYoung1]

When my DH and I were in high School as BF and GF I "literally" caught him cheating on me with my so called cousin. We broke up and then somehow got back together (long story ). Years later we got married and after the first 2 years of marriage I think he cheated on me again but I was not really sure. I got so mad that (regretfully ) I cheated on him too. I never told him and I still feel guilty about it. Should I tell him and clear my concious? Sometimes I feel like such a fake even though I really love him and I'm positive that he really loves me. I've been told by some that if we have real love then we will be able to get passed it. But I'm just afraid and not really sure. Any Advice out there from older members?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

How long have you been married?

 

[JustDoIt]

As much as I would say it's best to be honest I can tell you that telling him will make him not trust you anymore and it's going to be an issue in your marriage for a long long long time IF he can get over the infidelity.

If you tell him he probably will feel really horrible for a long long time... and that's not fair to him since he technically didn't do anything.

On the other hand you can just ask him if he cheated first and if he did then you tell him you did as well... and hopefully you both can move on from there... but it's a slippery slope.

So to me your punishment is stewing in your guilt for the rest of your life/marriage.. and you hopefully won't cheat again when the going gets tough.

Just my two cents... Sorry if I seem blunt.

 

[caltron]

As much as I would say it's best to be honest I can tell you that telling him will make him not trust you anymore and it's going to be an issue in your marriage for a long long long time IF he can get over the infidelity.

If you tell him he probably will feel really horrible for a long long time... and that's not fair to him since he technically didn't do anything.

On the other hand you can just ask him if he cheated first and if he did then you tell him you did as well... and hopefully you both can move on from there... but it's a slippery slope.

So to me your punishment is stewing in your guilt for the rest of your life/marriage.. and you hopefully won't cheat again when the going gets tough.

Just my two cents... Sorry if I seem blunt.

I totally agree with this.

 

[awhyley]

This is a toughie. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. (Personally, I wouldn't bother).

 

[Summer_Rain]

My vote is no - don't tell him. You've told all of us...let that be your release. Forgive yourself and move on from it.

 

[Maynard]

I wouldn't say anything. There are somethings that you keep to yourself

 

[Honey Brown]

I would let sleeping dogs lie and not open up a can of worms. I really don't see a positive to telling. What's done is done.

 

[nychaelasymone]

coming from me for whatever it's worth......forgive yourself and move on....telling him will only cause more problems. Men don't get over things like women do....the double standard is always in play. Have no regrets in this life....it's too short.

 

[Amcd]

Unless you are willing to lose your marriage, don't tell. If the guilt gets to great, then see a counselor. Having an affair because you THINK your man is having one is not a great idea. You two should work on communicating more, because a whole lot of not talking and guessing at what he was doing without proof led to your affair. Good luck.

 

[ladysaraii]

If you want to stay with him, don't tell him. As long as you don't have a kid that could be another man's, let sleeping dogs lie and make sure that going forward you guys work on building a strong an healthy relationship

 

[HoneyA]

Say nothing. Keep it to yourself. If in fact he did cheat, ok you got your revenge. Let it be. I've never understood people coming clean out of guilt knowing that it could cause a whole set of mess. Confess to God if you are a believer or write a letter get all your feelings out and burn it. Let it go.

 

[ambergirl]

No. No. No. and NO! This is about your guilty conscious not about what's best for the relationship. Let it go.

 

[ThickHair]

So to me your punishment is stewing in your guilt for the rest of your life/marriage.. and you hopefully won't cheat again when the going gets tough.

Just my two cents... Sorry if I seem blunt.

I know some people may not like Dr Laura, but she said it best. I will paraphrase a bit, when you tell about an infidelity it is usually to make yourself feel better (very selfish reason). You are not doing it for the benefit of the other person, because they will usually end up being mad and feeling crappy while you feel so much relief that you got it off of your chest.

That is why I agree with JustDoIt, just stew in your guilt for the rest of your life\marriage and don't do it again. Lesson learned.

 

[Papoose]

Nope, don't do it! Let your guilt be your "penance".

 

[WhoIAm]

You only know about him cheating because you caught him the first time. The second time may have happened, but it's only a suspicion. He isn't breaking his neck to tell you if he did cheat. Women tend to stay with men that cheat. Men don't. Leave it alone.

 

[jdvzmommy]

This thread is interesting.

I have question for anyone to answer. How would you all feel if your husband had this same "don't ask, don't tell" outlook? Is it ok if he cheats once and never tells you because you never found out?

I'd say tell him. I'm all about honesty in a relationship. But I'm not an older member of the board

 

[greight]

This thread is interesting.

I have question for anyone to answer. How would you all feel if your husband had this same "don't ask, don't tell" outlook? Is it ok if he cheats once and never tells you because you never found out?

I'd say tell him. I'm all about honesty in a relationship. But I'm not an older member of the board

If I cheated, I probably would never tell. It would go to the grave, if possible. Just being honest. Throw stones if need be . But if I ever wanted to cheat, then that means that there is something wrong.

If he cheated on me once, I'm not sure if I would want to know especially if we had a happy family. I'm already paranoid.... I could never trust again after. Straight to divorce.

If he was a serial cheater, then yes, I'd need to know.

 

[jdvzmommy]

If I cheated, I probably would never tell. It would go to the grave, if possible. Just being honest. Throw stones if need be . But if I ever wanted to cheat, then that means that there is something wrong.

If he cheated on me once, I'm not sure if I would want to know especially if we had a happy family. I'm already paranoid.... I could never trust again after. Straight to divorce.

If he was a serial cheater, then yes, I'd need to know.

I wasn't trying to judge.
Thanks for answering honestly.

 

[WhoIAm]

This thread is interesting.

I have question for anyone to answer. How would you all feel if your husband had this same "don't ask, don't tell" outlook? Is it ok if he cheats once and never tells you because you never found out?

I'd say tell him. I'm all about honesty in a relationship. But I'm not an older member of the board

Most men never tell, they just get found out. Or they tell when they are trying to leave the relationship.

 

[Skiggle]

This thread is interesting.

I have question for anyone to answer. How would you all feel if your husband had this same "don't ask, don't tell" outlook? Is it ok if he cheats once and never tells you because you never found out?

I'd say tell him. I'm all about honesty in a relationship. But I'm not an older member of the board

IMO my marriage would be based on dishonesty if he cheated. I personally don't care if he did this just once.
I would probably get a divorce because the trust would cease to exist.
The double standard really sucks.erplexed

 

[greight]

I wasn't trying to judge.
Thanks for answering honestly.

Oh, no worries. LOL, that wasn't for you specifically - it was for the general LHCF audience.

I know cheating is wrong, but at the same time, I can never say never. Claiming the moral high ground is bound to make any fall that much worse.

 

[greight]

Most men never tell, they just get found out. Or they tell when they are trying to leave the relationship.

This is what I believe, too.

I never heard of a story (first hand) of a man admitting to his wife/girlfriend/whatever, that he cheated.

It's always the woman confronting the man.

 

[Lucie]

I had an affair. It landed me in hot water with my DH. I know it is easier to let sleeping dogs lie but I would tell him. I have been married for 11 years. I am not old but I know keeping secrets destroys marriages. I know that your DH will be upset (understably) but you don't want this coming to the light years down the road and having to face worse repercussions. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. Also, men that have affairs with married women can be very manipulative. Do you remember how that man that gave Bird's (in Soul Food) husband a job opportunity? He kept finding slick ways to let her husband know something was up. Well................. I am not saying that will happen to you. But some men are grimey and will use whatever they can against you. I wish you all the best lovie.

 

[AstroQueen77]

Ahh, what he dosent know wont hurt him. If you don't want out of your marriage and are happy with him, let it go.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

My vote is no - don't tell him. You've told all of us...let that be your release. Forgive yourself and move on from it.

Hell yeah.

We as women cant tell EVERYTHING.

 

[Charz]

You might want to check out your status at the local clinic if he's been cheating...

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

my grandma always says that there are some things you just take to the grave, but ultimately its your decision, just be prepared for multiple outcomes. Plus it aint like he hasnt done the same. Let it go, unless you gon do it again.

what if you confess that and then he jumps up and in ya'll come to Jesus moment starts naming off names and dates of when he cheated that you had no idea about lol?

 

[carcajada]

Most men aren't as forgiving as women.

 

[kweenameena]

I will tell you this from experience....men don't get over cheating as easily as women. I'm guess it has something to do with the whole men being territorial thing.
I wouldn't tell him.

Don't make him hurt because you are hurting. The guilt is your consequence for cheating. But don't make it worse for yourself by telling him.