Sexual Compatibility in Relationships

[TinyBlu]

I had a "girl's night" with some friends yesterday, and we had an interesting conversation that I thought I would share here.

One of the ladies in our group is in a relationship with a man whom she adores. From what she told us, he treats her well, they get along great, and he treats her daughter like she's his own. The only negative is that he's not doing it for her in the bedroom, so much so that she's thinking of getting out of the relationship.

This got me thinking. Where do we draw the line when it comes to sex and relationships? How important is sex in a solid, loving relationship? Is not being on the same sexual page a deal breaker?

 

[SmileyNY]

Yes, sex matters.

Is it the size of his um... crayon that isn't doing it for her?

Because if it isn't, then she must not be good enough at what she does in the bedroom to teach him what pleases her. A woman who truly knows her own body knows that it isn't rocket science to teach a man how to get her off.

Just sayin...

 

[MACGlossChick]

I think she should have a talk with her man first. If she knows what hits her spots, then she can make suggestions during sex, like "I like it when you do that, but let's try this..." If the suggestions don't fix it, then she can consider leaving.

 

[k_enitan]

I think it is quite important

I was recently with a guy whom I was really attracted to (even sexually which is not that common for me), but unfortunately when we did the deed I realized we were not sexually compatible and obviously this is going to impact negatively on the relationship so I am walking away.

 

[TinyBlu]

Yes, sex matters.

Is it the size of his um... crayon that isn't doing it for her?

Because if it isn't, then she must not be good enough at what she does in the bedroom to teach him what pleases her. A woman who truly knows her own body knows that it isn't rocket science to teach a man how to get her off.

Just sayin...

We didn't get into that much detail...LOL! That would be unfortunate because that can't change, but if it's a technique thing, I agree that they should work on it.

We all wish that a man knew exactly what to do when that time came to handle their business, but lots of times... they don't. I feel like if a man has a quick tongue, strong back, and a willingness to learn, anything is possible.

 

[TinyBlu]

I think it is quite important

I was recently with a guy whom I was really attracted to (even sexually which is not that common for me), but unfortunately when we did the deed I realized we were not sexually compatible and obviously this is going to impact negatively on the relationship so I am walking away.

I can definitely see your point about the importance of sex, but when it comes to the "long haul" (I think about Musiq's song "Don't Change"), what's more important - someone who can make you climb the walls or someone who will be there to pick you up when you fall?

I suggested that she communicate with him her likes/dislikes (maybe a kinky "Simon Says" kinda game) and see how that works. If he's as great as she says he is, I'm sure her happiness, even in the bedroom, is important, and he's willing to work on it.

RELATIONSHIPS take work... sex does not. At the end of the day, I'd rather have a man that "covers" me (Thanks Hopeful) than a Mandingo warrior that won't.

Interesting perspective...

 

[hopeful]

I can definitely see your point about the importance of sex, but when it comes to the "long haul" (I think about Musiq's song "Don't Change"), what's more important - someone who can make you climb the walls or someone who will be there to pick you up when you fall?

I suggested that she communicate with him her likes/dislikes (maybe a kinky "Simon Says" kinda game) and see how that works. If he's as great as she says he is, I'm sure her happiness, even in the bedroom, is important, and he's willing to work on it.

RELATIONSHIPS take work... sex does not. At the end of the day, I'd rather have a man that "covers" me (Thanks Hopeful) than a Mandingo warrior that won't.

Interesting perspective...

I think if a man really covers you and he is meant for you, he will please you sexually. If he is in touch with you, your feelings, your needs, your body, he will figure out how to please you. Now if he just isn't the guy for you or you want a Mandingo and he's an accountant then he'll never be able to please you (general you). I can't believe you TinyBlu acknowledged me and my thread in your thread, so sweet.

 

[MD_Lady]

Generally speaking, for me, the deal breaker lies in how he addresses the incompatibility. Is he listening to my concerns and meeting me halfway or is he brushing me off and refusing to compromise? If a man is a "good" man, he'll be willing to work with me to make things better. If he's not, there's a good chance that he'd take that approach to problems in other areas and he DEFINITELY wouldn't be the one for me. That having been said, all incompatibilities are not created equal.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I think if a man really covers you and he is meant for you, he will please you sexually. If he is in touch with you, your feelings, your needs, your body, he will figure out how to please you. Now if he just isn't the guy for you or you want a Mandingo and he's an accountant then he'll never be able to please you (general you). I can't believe you @TinyBlu acknowledged me and my thread in your thread, so sweet.

^^ This

I think we as women need to be careful not to put our own requirements and expectations on others. There are things you may like to have and things that you must have in a mate.

If sex is not important to you then of course a man that meets other criteria may seem as a keeper.

If it IS important then the fact that he meets other criteria doesn't make him a candidate for the position. Do NOT pass go do NOT collect $200.

So for me yes sexually incompatibility would be (and is) a dealbreaker. I'm too old at this point to have to teach a man anything - he should be aware enough to have certain skills yet recognize the need to address his approach for both of us to be happy (trying to keep this clean ya'll work with me).

Don't guilt your friend into not making a cut that is already difficult to address. She knows what she needs and if he isn't it the longer she stays with the one that can't meet her needs the longer she will be without the man that could.

 

[TayMac]

It is a deal breaker if he isn't willing to acknowledge it and change up technique. Sex is one of the ways people in relationships connect. A man that is the total package cares about your pleasure not just getting his.

 

[DarkJoy]

Dealbreaker here too for all the same reasons as the ladies above. And:

Sex is like the id of a marriage. Sex it is truly a manifestation of the rest of the relationship on a deeper subconscious and spiritual level.

Looking at my 20 year marriage, I can definately see how my exH's behavior in the bedroom was an EXACT duplicate to how he was with every other area of our marriage.

Relationships are so vast! Just encourage your friend to do what's right by her and her child. There are so many aspects of relationships that we don't understand being on the outside--hell, even when we're the ones with the problem we can't always get a grasp on everything going on.

 

[hopeful]

Dealbreaker here too for all the same reasons as the ladies above. And:

Sex is like the id of a marriage. Sex it is truly a manifestation of the rest of the relationship on a deeper subconscious and spiritual level.

Looking at my 20 year marriage, I can definately see how my exH's behavior in the bedroom was an EXACT duplicate to how he was with every other area of our marriage.

Relationships are so vast! Just encourage your friend to do what's right by her and her child. There are so many aspects of relationships that we don't understand being on the outside--hell, even when we're the ones with the problem we can't always get a grasp on everything going on.

DarkJoy

Girl that is deep. I never thought about it like that and I believe it is truth. Thanks for breaking it down lady.

 

[MD_Lady]

^^ This

I think we as women need to be careful not to put our own requirements and expectations on others. There are things you may like to have and things that you must have in a mate.

If sex is not important to you then of course a man that meets other criteria may seem as a keeper.

If it IS important then the fact that he meets other criteria doesn't make him a candidate for the position. Do NOT pass go do NOT collect $200.

So for me yes sexually incompatibility would be (and is) a dealbreaker. I'm too old at this point to have to teach a man anything - he should be aware enough to have certain skills yet recognize the need to address his approach for both of us to be happy (trying to keep this clean ya'll work with me).

Don't guilt your friend into not making a cut that is already difficult to address. She knows what she needs and if he isn't it the longer she stays with the one that can't meet her needs the longer she will be without the man that could.

I've been called "picky" (not by any of the men I've been with, interestingly enough) because of my requirements/deal breakers, but oddly enough, the person who called me that had INFINITELY more sex-related relationship issues than I EVER have... :scratchch... I wonder why that is...

 

[JudithO]

I'm not sure.... I waited till I got married, and I still don't really know what I like/having nothing to compare to..... I figured if he adores and takes care me in every other way, he'll adore me in bed too (which he does) so I'm very happy.... "compatible" or not!

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I'm not sure.... I waited till I got married, and I still don't really know what I like/having nothing to compare to..... I figured if he adores and takes care me in every other way, he'll adore me in bed too (which he does) so I'm very happy.... "compatible" or not!

Don't second guess your happiness. You don't have to have someone to compare to. If you were unhappy on some level you would already be thinking "this isn't all that its cracked up to be".

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I've been called "picky" (not by any of the men I've been with, interestingly enough) because of my requirements/deal breakers, but oddly enough, the person who called me that had INFINITELY more sex-related relationship issues than I EVER have... :scratchch... I wonder why that is...

Say it again so the people in the back can hear you!!

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Sex is like the id of a marriage. Sex it is truly a manifestation of the rest of the relationship on a deeper subconscious and spiritual level.

That's what I was taught. In that way, sexual compatibility is more than just sexual compatibility.

 

[DayStar]

Me too. We will be married 2 years in July and I'm still learning to relax during coloring.

I'm not sure.... I waited till I got married, and I still don't really know what I like/having nothing to compare to..... I figured if he adores and takes care me in every other way, he'll adore me in bed too (which he does) so I'm very happy.... "compatible" or not!

 

[BonBon]

Drawing the line:

- The intimate side needs to be average to good to start. I wouldn't expect a partner to get into bed and tap my buttons in exactly the right order first off. As long as their touch feels good and I'm still attracted to them I can work with things that aren't quite right.
- We both need to have an attitude to learn each others bodies. This is important to me whether the man is experienced, or not. My first partner was a virgin also, but he was a total geek. He was fascinated with exploration and wanted to figure me out like a rubix cube I had a good experience with him from the first time. My SO is experienced, but had the same attitude to communicate and learn each others bodies. It was good to start and now great since everything has been honed and tailored towards our specific needs
- Sometimes a man uses a technique on his exes and most of them loved it, therefore he assumes without doubt their next partner will also like it Sometimes this works out, sometimes it wont. In this way one woman can call a man good in bed, while another could be totally unimpressed by him.


This is why I think communication is key when it comes to sex and relationships. As long as there is potential there, we're both open minded and communicative and the attraction is there I'd work with it

One of my close friends got married to a guy a few years ago and she said he's unimaginative in bed. Everything else was ticked though and I can see he's a great man. She said she can just teach him to please her and she seemed so relaxed that it could be fixed. I admire that.

Don't get it twisted though Sometimes you just don't fancy someone even though you like them as a partner. If that's what she's talking about then that is a deal breaker imo. If she's attracted, but hasn't been honest about her needs yet then that is not a deal breaker for me. She should foster good communication and give him a chance. Who knows, she might not truly be doing it for him either lol. If that doesn't work then I'd move on.

 

[snillohsss]

sexual incompatibility in any way shape or form = deal breaker. (married 16 years)

 

[lux10023]

major deal breaker for me, being sexually satisifed is a major component of my overall happiness-code for if he aint hittin it- im quittin it lol

but we would need to know if dude is bad in bed or if his package is not the right size, two very different things to address.