Serial Monogamists - What's Your Experience With These Men?

Hairsnob

Hairsnob

Deep Thinker
Anyone know a man who is a serial dater or serial monogamist? I was talking about this to my girlfriends and we were saying that’s the reason some men get over ending a relationship quicker than women. Of course there can be women who are serial daters or monogamists also. But in this case we’re talking about men. They make sure they have the other woman lined up before they end the relationship with the one they’re with. I was saying that it’s a sign of insecurity because they don’t want to be alone so they won’t leave the one partner until they find the next one. Meanwhile, the woman is left to be hurt by him leaving. The man just carries the baggage from the last relationship over to the new one. But does he ever get hurt?

I dated someone like that before and it was amazing how fast we fell in love and how fast he left after a two year relationship. I was hurt for a while of course but he “seemed” to move on rather quickly, which is usually the case with these types of men. These types of men can tell you they love you up until the day before they break up. I have a girlfriend going through this right now and it’s hard to make her understand and see what I went through. All of the signs were there that matched the guy I dated.

Here were the signs:

He professed his love quickly.

He’ll make all kinds of plans with you and have you thinking you’re the best thing that happened to him.

He usually is fully committed to you while you’re dating/married (until he gets tired of TRYING to stay committed).

He would confuse certain gifts he gave me with gifts to other women.

He had no valid reasons for ending his relationships prior to me (so he says, but who is to say what’s valid).

He jumps from relationship to relationship with no time in between.

I believe that this type of person lives in a fantasy world and only want to stay in a relationship as long as everything is perfect. The first sign of trouble in paradise and they are gone faster than you can blink. One of my girlfriends says they have commitment issues. I believe they can commit but not for long. I guess it depends on what you call a commitment, whether it’s long or short. I guess you could technically commit for a day if you know what I mean. I believe my BF was committed for about 18 months of the 2 yrs we were together (as far as I know). But the last 6 months is when I doubted it because we were together almost all of the time up until the last 6 months. As soon as we broke up he was with someone else, go figure. My girlfriend’s BF was committed for about 6 months and bailed quick.

What is your experience with these types of men? Anyone date one before?
 
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Sounds like a family member :yep: He never leaves one woman without having another lined up. He tends to "live through" whatever woman he is with.
 
I dated one (I didn't see the signs) and I know one. . . I basically just think they're needy and selfish.

They're needy because they always need female attention and if they don't have it in the way they want, they must go somewhere to get it - even while they're still in the relationship. IDK if their momma gave them too much love or what.

They're selfish because they stay in one relationship until they decide on their next victim. They're selfish because they act like they're sooo committed and into you from the beginning but they're actually commitment-o-phobes. They really primarily care about their own needs being met - their woman is secondary and droppable. It's really pathological behavior IMO.

They're really pitiful men and the only way to know they're serial monogamists is to talk to his friends or associates (who may or may not let on) or to observe his behavior with other women.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Sounds like a family member :yep: He never leaves one woman without having another lined up. He tends to "live through" whatever woman he is with.
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Sounds exactly like my ex. He told me from the beginning he likes to be able to learn things from the woman he's with. Of course didn't see that as a sign that as soon as you learn you move on to learn things from the next one.

Katherina said:
I dated one (I didn't see the signs) and I know one. . . I basically just think they're needy and selfish.

They're needy because they always need female attention and if they don't have it in the way they want, they must go somewhere to get it - even while they're still in the relationship. IDK if their momma gave them too much love or what.

They're selfish because they stay in one relationship until they decide on their next victim. They're selfish because they act like they're sooo committed and into you from the beginning but they're actually commitment-o-phobes. They really primarily care about their own needs being met - their woman is secondary and droppable. It's really pathological behavior IMO.

They're really pitiful men and the only way to know they're serial monogamists is to talk to his friends or associates (who may or may not let on) or to observe his behavior with other women.
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You described my ex to a tee. I knew he was selfish from the day I met him (first red flag) but I didn't think of it in a bad way. He was kind of a my way or the highway type (2nd red flag) and I actually liked that for some strange reason.... at first. He definitely was needy and would call me all times of the day and wanted to either be with me or on the phone with me all the time and I mean ALL the time. But soon they get bored with things but don't you dare complain because they're onto the next one with the quickness.

I can't blame my GF for being so hurt because it took me a LONG time to realize it wasn't anything I did wrong either. He would tell me I was the perfect woman all the time so when we broke up I was so blindsided I was crushed for months. I never even heard of a serial monogomist until after we broke up and it helped me get over it after reading about it. So all the things that should have been red flags I totally ignored. These men are usually charming and will be almost too good to be true. But we learn something for every relationship.
 
In some cases I think it can be ambivalence. They don't really know what they want. This looks good, but then that over there looks good too. They haven't figured out what they're ultimately looking for, so when things hit a lull or their gf annoys them, they don't know how to evaluate whether that's a dealbreaker or not. Also, because they don't know what's really important to them in a relationship, or simply what is important period, they can't deeply appreciate the good qualities when they are present--at least not enough to hold onto them. So they go after the next interesting and attractive thing to see if that's better. And so on and so forth.
 
nicola.kirwan said:
In some cases I think it can be ambivalence. They don't really know what they want. This looks good, but then that over there looks good too. They haven't figured out what they're ultimately looking for, so when things hit a lull or their gf annoys them, they don't know how to evaluate whether that's a dealbreaker or not. Also, because they don't know what's really important to them in a relationship, or simply what is important period, they can't deeply appreciate the good qualities when they are present--at least not enough to hold onto them. So they go after the next interesting and attractive thing to see if that's better. And so on and so forth.
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Sorta like the grass is always greener on the other side syndrome. I would think sooner or later they would learn but I guess maybe it takes a while, or at least till they get old and fat and nobody wants them anymore LOL. I also think they want to experience that new and exciting feeling a new relationship brings so they don't really care if they have to start over. They just figure they'll always be at the totally happy stage going from one to the next. I feel sorry for them because you can't invest too much in one person if you have to start over with a new one.
 
Katherina said:
I dated one (I didn't see the signs) and I know one. . . I basically just think they're needy and selfish.

They're needy because they always need female attention and if they don't have it in the way they want, they must go somewhere to get it - even while they're still in the relationship. IDK if their momma gave them too much love or what.
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I know someone like that who always has a girl lined up....he is a mama's boy and his older brother has commitment issues too, but the older one met his match and now he don't want a relationship.
 
tinkat said:
I know someone like that who always has a girl lined up....he is a mama's boy and his older brother has commitment issues too, but the older one met his match and now he don't want a relationship.
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tinkat I'd love to hear how the older one met his match and what happened to make him not want a relationship LOL.

And by the way, my ex seemed to be far from a mamas boy even though that's the type of men I usually attract. I say he's not a mamas boy because he lives pretty far from her and didn't talk to her a lot so that made me think not. But who knows if he's a recovering mamas boy LOL.
 
I married a serial monogamist. We're divorced now and he's still with the ***** he cheated on me with. That was a little over 4 years ago. Right before me he was in relationship and before her a relationship. He's never been the type to date multiple women. SO much of what was mentioned in the OP and throughout this thread describe him to a tee.
 
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kandake said:
I married a serial monogamist. We're divorced now and he's still with the ***** he cheated on me with. That was a little over 4 years ago. Right before me he was in relationship and before her a relationship. He's never been the type to date multiple women. SO much of what was mentioned in the OP and throughout this thread describe him to a tee.
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Uggh! 4 years??? I guess it's true what they say, it could be months or years they stay in the relationship but they always repeat the same pattern.

Mine was married for about 4-5 yrs before and he said after his marriage ours was his longest relationship and the others went from 6 months to a year. So I guess the timeframes can really vary.
 
My first boyfriend was like that, but I was 16 so there wasn't too much damage done. Luckily I got hip to the game quick and I learned to spot them in the future.
 
PiscesBlue10 said:
My first boyfriend was like that, but I was 16 so there wasn't too much damage done. Luckily I got hip to the game quick and I learned to spot them in the future.
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Lucky you, learning that early. I wish I did. Could have changed two years of my life LOL.
 
I just think they don't care. And they just want sex but don't want to have it with strangers. But most men I know move on rather quickly. And usually if they move on too quickly it is because that woman was already in the picture. I am amused by the games men play that women fall for every single time.
 
Hairsnob said:
tinkat I'd love to hear how the older one met his match and what happened to make him not want a relationship LOL.

And by the way, my ex seemed to be far from a mamas boy even though that's the type of men I usually attract. I say he's not a mamas boy because he lives pretty far from her and didn't talk to her a lot so that made me think not. But who knows if he's a recovering mamas boy LOL.
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Just like everyone else, you meet that one person that you overextend yourself and heart to and feel like its wasted time. When he told me his timeline of relationships, I realized that he never really had breaks in between (one produced a child by a young lady he barely knew (i call it a rebound)...I was like damn in my head, you never had time to breathe, thats why you have so much baggage.
 
Omg, this is so my ex-boyfriend. We were each other's firsts and were together for 2 years back in high school. I'll never forget this...our senior year, me and him literally went out together on a Friday afternoon, talked everyday after that except for Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, my friends pulled me to the side in the cafeteria and told me that he had a new girlfriend! Needless to say, I was completely at a loss and my poor little 18 year old heart did not handle it well. And now a good 7ish years have passed since we haven't been together and this boy has pretty much not been single since. He was with the girl after me for about 2 years...then he was with another girl for about a year...then he was with another girl for about 2 years (I felt bad for this girl, she threw him a surprise party for his birthday and had his parents and BFF drive 6 hours to be there)...and now he's been with his latest girl for almost 2 years. So yeah, pretty much for the past 10 years, he's had these exclusive girlfriends and has, at most, been single for approximately 2 months max in between. And he's a cheater as well, but that's a whole other thread...

I believe these types do have committment issues and a fear of being alone. This fellow in particular never met his real mother (he was raised by his father and stepmother) so I've always thought this is why he is the way that he is.
 
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nathansgirl1908 said:
I just think they don't care. And they just want sex but don't want to have it with strangers. But most men I know move on rather quickly. And usually if they move on too quickly it is because that woman was already in the picture. I am amused by the games men play that women fall for every single time.
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Exactly! That's why the last few months of our relationship was rocky because he was feeling out the new girl to make sure she was lined up before he left me. But up until that time we broke up it was I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. :nono:

shockolate said:
no i didnt keep it. they were cheap rings judging from mine and the one he got his ex-wife before me. :look:
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Well that's no loss on your end then . I hate a cheap @@s man!! LOL

tinkat said:
Just like everyone else, you meet that one person that you overextend yourself and heart to and feel like its wasted time. When he told me his timeline of relationships, I realized that he never really had breaks in between (one produced a child by a young lady he barely knew (i call it a rebound)...I was like damn in my head, you never had time to breathe, thats why you have so much baggage.
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Same here. I was trying to figure out how many relationships he had in the 4-5 years since his divorce and then it all made sense.

My-Foolish-Heart said:
Omg, this is so my ex-boyfriend. We were each other's firsts and were together for 2 years back in high school. I'll never forget this...our senior year, me and him literally went out together on a Friday afternoon, talked everyday after that except for Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, my friends pulled me to the side in the cafeteria and told me that he had a new girlfriend! Needless to say, I was completely at a loss and my poor little 18 year old heart did not handle it well. And now a good 7ish years have passed since we haven't been together and this boy has pretty much not been single since. He was with the girl after me for about 2 years...then he was with another girl for about a year...then he was with another girl for about 2 years (I felt bad for this girl, she threw him a surprise party for his birthday and had his parents and BFF drive 6 hours to be there)...and now he's been with his latest girl for almost 2 years. So yeah, pretty much for the past 10 years, he's had these exclusive girlfriends and has, at most, been single for approximately 2 months max in between. And he's a cheater as well, but that's a whole other thread...

I believe these types do have committment issues and a fear of being alone. This fellow in particular never met his real mother (he was raised by his father and stepmother) so I've always thought this is why he is the way that he is.
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Definitely there's some seroius committment issues and that fear of being alone. I couldn't imagine going through something like that at 18 like you did but I guess it's good you learned early. I guess you have to figure people like that cannot possibly really be happy with themselves living like that. Your ex sounds exactly like mine and it's funny that he told me he was single for 2 months before meeting me but who knows if that's even the truth. Some other poor girl was probably going through what I went through and I had no clue.
 
I will confess to having been a serial monogamist. Like another posted has already stated my serial monogamy stemmed from not truly knowing what I wanted when I entered into a relationship; all I knew was what I didn't want. It had nothing to do with insecurity; I spent plenty of time single - w/o a partner or bed buddy. I won't say it wasn't selfish but like I said, I was always honest so I never felt bad about it for long.

I was married for four years and then divorced. For 10 years after that I always found and kept for no longer than 3 years "good men." I didn't always leave one to find another but I always knew that I could get a replacement if I wanted to. I will say that I was honest about who I was and how I operated; they just didn't want to listen. Most of the men figured they could be the one to change me - it wasn't happening.

This does not discount the feelings that I had for each of these men; they all brought something different to my life and made me a better person. They just weren't THE one. When I finally met THE one, I was done. I knew I wanted to marry him within in two weeks; we got married 2 years later.

I tell you all this because it isn't serial monogamy that is bad but it is how a person goes about doing it. Most of my ex's and I would still be friends except hubby just wouldn't like that at all!
 
HisBestFriend said:
I will confess to having been a serial monogamist. Like another posted has already stated my serial monogamy stemmed from not truly knowing what I wanted when I entered into a relationship; all I knew was what I didn't want. It had nothing to do with insecurity; I spent plenty of time single - w/o a partner or bed buddy. I won't say it wasn't selfish but like I said, I was always honest so I never felt bad about it for long.

I was married for four years and then divorced. For 10 years after that I always found and kept for no longer than 3 years "good men." I didn't always leave one to find another but I always knew that I could get a replacement if I wanted to. I will say that I was honest about who I was and how I operated; they just didn't want to listen. Most of the men figured they could be the one to change me - it wasn't happening.

This does not discount the feelings that I had for each of these men; they all brought something different to my life and made me a better person. They just weren't THE one. When I finally met THE one, I was done. I knew I wanted to marry him within in two weeks; we got married 2 years later.

I tell you all this because it isn't serial monogamy that is bad but it is how a person goes about doing it. Most of my ex's and I would still be friends except hubby just wouldn't like that at all!
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Wow! It's so interesting to hear your story to hear a woman's side of it. I remember thinking the same thing you said about not knowing what you wanted.

Did you feel like you truly and honestly loved each of the men though? I just can't understand how it could be turned off and on so fast so hopefully you'll help me better understand that. I know you said there were times you weren't in a relationship but that just may mean maybe you're not a "serial" monogamist. Not 100% sure of the definition though of course LOL.

Thanks for sharing!!
 
Hairsnob said:
Wow! It's so interesting to hear your story to hear a woman's side of it. I remember thinking the same thing you said about not knowing what you wanted.

Did you feel like you truly and honestly loved each of the men though? I just can't understand how it could be turned off and on so fast so hopefully you'll help me better understand that. I know you said there were times you weren't in a relationship but that just may mean maybe you're not a "serial" monogamist. Not 100% sure of the definition though of course LOL.

Thanks for sharing!!
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My past is just that, my past and I don't mind sharing if I think it can be informational to someone else.

I have always considered myself a serial monogamist, my time alone was normally self imposed so that I could reflect on whatever I thought I could learn from the previous relationship. My alone time would last anywhere from 1-3 months before it was "on to the next one" who I already knew and had ID'd. (Believe me I'm not deep but I try to be introspective. Ending relationships can be physically/emotionally exhausting even if you know its the right thing to do or even if you have someone new waiting. Besides, I think its stupid to keep making the same mistakes.)

To answer your question, yes I did honestly feel that I loved each and every one of the men - at the time. If you were to ask them, they felt loved. But at some point during each relationship, I would eventually realize that while I did love the guy I didn't love him enough to make a forever commitment.

I do not think the turn off is so "all of a sudden", I know it wasn't for me. By that I mean, I knew that there was something missing in the relationship but at the time of realization, it was not a deal breaker, so I stayed - after all he was a good man. Eventually I would get bored and usually the boredom stemmed from whatever flaw I had found earlier, but again I stayed. I would stay until I had my sights on someone who definitely did not have the perceived flaw.

Once I ID'd the potential new guy I ended the current relationship - saying its not them, its me. Truth be told, it was me - I wanted more than what the current man could give.

I believe in love and encourage my girls to fall in love MANY times because each time you should walk away with a better idea of your ideal mate. I mean I do tell them that there will be hurt - that's unfortunately a part of it but eventually there will be healing too.

I credit my past with why I knew what right looked like when DH came along. I was ready to marry him 2 weeks later without hesitation. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a 300% better person with DH than with anyone I've ever been with.
 
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I had an encounter with one such guy a few years back. He said straight up 'If things don't work between us I have plans B,C,D and E lined up and ready to go' needless to say things did not last between us:lol::lol:
 
Etherealsmile said:
I had an encounter with one such guy a few years back. He said straight up 'If things don't work between us I have plans B,C,D and E lined up and ready to go' needless to say things did not last between us:lol::lol:
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He said that to you? Wow, I dont think I would have wanted to go any further, I would have thought that plans b c d and e were already in his life as in-- he's cheating with them.
 
HisBestFriend said:
I will confess to having been a serial monogamist. Like another posted has already stated my serial monogamy stemmed from not truly knowing what I wanted when I entered into a relationship; all I knew was what I didn't want. It had nothing to do with insecurity; I spent plenty of time single - w/o a partner or bed buddy. I won't say it wasn't selfish but like I said, I was always honest so I never felt bad about it for long.

I was married for four years and then divorced. For 10 years after that I always found and kept for no longer than 3 years "good men." I didn't always leave one to find another but I always knew that I could get a replacement if I wanted to. I will say that I was honest about who I was and how I operated; they just didn't want to listen. Most of the men figured they could be the one to change me - it wasn't happening.

This does not discount the feelings that I had for each of these men; they all brought something different to my life and made me a better person. They just weren't THE one. When I finally met THE one, I was done. I knew I wanted to marry him within in two weeks; we got married 2 years later.

I tell you all this because it isn't serial monogamy that is bad but it is how a person goes about doing it. Most of my ex's and I would still be friends except hubby just wouldn't like that at all!
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You sound like the 500 days of summer girl, lol.
 
Angel_Face said:
He said that to you? Wow, I dont think I would have wanted to go any further, I would have thought that plans b c d and e were already in his life as in-- he's cheating with them.
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yes he did:yep:, i appreciated his honesty and kicked him to the curb in the next instant:lol:. That man had some balls! He believed he deserved a lot of things that he himself did not posess...smdh:rolleyes:
 
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