relationship question #564984694651

[nychaelasymone]

Those of you who are in committed sexual relationships, consider yourselves Christian's and want to see your relationship result in marriage, do you think you've cheapened your possible marriage by having pre-marital sex and do you think that since men are "hunters" you work extra hard to keep him interested in you and your relationship?

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I don't think I've cheapened myself by having premarital sex. Furthermore, I don't believe that I need to work HARD to keep a man because if a man wants you then he wants you. A man or woman who love each other will put up with a lot of things if they can see themselves walking down the aisle with each other. Just have fun, don't push the issue, and see where the relationship takes you. Sorry, I couldn't be more helpful!!

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I don't think I've cheapened myself by having premarital sex. Furthermore, I don't believe that I need to work HARD to keep a man because if a man wants you then he wants you. A man or woman who love each other will put up with a lot of things if they can see themselves walking down the aisle with each other. Just have fun, don't push the issue, and see where the relationship takes you. Sorry, I couldn't be more helpful!!

What she said. Plus I would hate to hold out only to be disappointment on my wedding day. I'd run to the courthouse for an anullment! Just kidding...sort of

 

[nychaelasymone]

I was reading this article that sparked my question..................



What is wrong with living together before we're married?


Demos have become a way of life in most parts of the world. We would not buy a car before we drove it and "checked it out" – nor a television and even a piece of clothing. So many singles come from painful past experiences and they want "to be sure" that they do not experience this again. The logic often develops that if this is true for other less important things, then a "test" drive before marriage would certainly be in order.
I propose that you can take a test drive before marriage – but that "sex" and living together are not only not necessary ingredients, but harmful. This statement is made from an emotional/psychological perspective as well as instructions given by God in the Bible.
Most people who are of this persuasion can readily share a number of reasons why they believe that living together before marriage is a good course to take. However, I find that these same individuals have not spent any time considering what harm and risk might be involved in doing so. Let me share perhaps the number one reason for not living together before marriage –
THE ODDS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOT ENDING UP IN A MARRIAGE ARE SIGNIFICANTLY MULTIPLIED BY LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE!
Yes, you can share with me some who have – but the odds are not with you. Let me share some things that I believe are NOT present and positive when this course is taken:
There is an underlying reality that you are not worthy of the other person's commitment. This means that at any moment the whole thing can come crushing in on you – and your emotions and psychic know this and build an inner defense against the potential pain.
This "cheapens" the value of marriage – where two people choose to embrace life's good times AND difficult ones and mutually find ways to resolve. You know that at the sign of difficulty the parties will likely bail. After all, comfort and pleasure or the foundation of this type relationship – not work and the resulting depth of love.
A choice is being made to greatly hinder God being able to empower and bless you. The dynamics of two people "playing house" without commitment is telling your emotions that you are not responsible. Your emotions and conscious will assimilate this into your character and it will find an outlet in another area of your life that can be very damaging.
For some reason, Christian singles today think that modern medicine, etc. has removed the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. The input that I receive from so many Christian singles clearly shows that this is not true. My heart breaks each time I receive one of these letters, etc. where the person has been permanently damaged.
Often one or both of the parties thinks that by moving in together they will be able to change the other person. I feel comfortable in stating that this just does not happen. Frankly, when sex enters the picture outside of marriage, it changes the forces at play. Time after time parties will ignore warning signs of serious relationship problems because they want to enjoy the intimacy and sexual activity.

Finally, there does seem to be another element at play in men. The man is the "hunter" in the relationship. Once he no longer has to hunt, he loses his motivation to make changes. He already has his conquest. Further, he controls the conquest by the unspoken word that if the woman does not form to his demands/wishes, he will be gone. The hell that is created from this is unbearable for both and soon anything looks better than staying in this relationship.

I am a member of the group who believe that an extended period of time should be taken in dating to come to a complete and healthy understanding that you are compatible, etc. for marriage. Once an engagement is formed, I suggest that the engagement should be a relatively short period of time. Once parties know that they should be married, it is most difficult to stay sexually pure, etc.

Do not be one who makes choices based upon defense from past painful experiences. As I heard Dr. Les Parrott state in a Soul Mate seminar, one should be as healthy as they can possibly be before considering dating. Relationships are work – you either do much of it before marriage or after – but you will do it or fail. God does not want failures and encourages you to not get caught in this trap.

What if you are already living with someone outside of marriage? Consider the points above, pray and ask God what He wishes you to do. I think you will find that He asks you to move out and build the relationship on more solid ground. May He guide you to deeper joys and peace.

Pastor Jim

 

[dlewis]

What she said. Plus I would hate to hold out only to be disappointment on my wedding day. I'd run to the courthouse for an anullment! Just kidding...sort of

That happened with a guy that worked here. He was with her one time, she was a virgin, when they came back from their honeymoon he filed for an anullment. Very sad. Their families were very upset. And they had an over the top wedding.

I don't think you have to play any games. If a man wants you, he wants you. I did nothing to keep dh interested when we were dating, if anything you would have thought I was a turn off. The same with several guys I've dated.

 

[VeeJai]

great thread!

 

[WhipEffectz1]

What she said. Plus I would hate to hold out only to be disappointment on my wedding day. I'd run to the courthouse for an anullment! Just kidding...sort of

I believe in anullments too!!!!

 

[Radianthealth]

I agree with everyone else, I don't think men think that way in 2007. I had plenty of sex with the DH before we were married. I don't think women should use sex as a "carrot" to get men to marry them. If it is for spiritual reasons, I am cool with it. But if you are being manipulative it hardly ever works out well in the end

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I agree, i dont think that this has anything to do with a man wanting to marry you. You cant use sex/withhold sex to make a man want to marry you. If you guys fit together and its meant to be, then it will be, regardless of this. All of that withholding/chasing (for this purpose) is really silly. but if you are the type of lady that like to keep him on his toes, or if your man likes to hunt. then its never too late to make him hunt... just cause he hit doesnt meant that you will let him hit it again whenever he feel like it. You can still be in control and give up the goods when u want. I never did this, but i saw this one guy on Tyra (he was supposed to be some kind of expert, but he just seemed like a skirtchaser to me). anyways, he said that most men would like to continue chasing after the nookie, even after you've already given it. hmmm, wonder if thats true....

 

[HoneyDew]

Nope!

I am in a very devoted, solid relationship and we were not be where we are today if sex did not play some part in it. Those are very intimate special moments for us. If I had played some waiting game like that we would not be as close as we are today.

I agree with trimbride, if a person is not having sex because of spiritual reasons, I would assume her man is on the same road and it is really a non-issue.

 

[HoneyDew]

I agree, i dont think that this has anything to do with a man wanting to marry you. You cant use sex/withhold sex to make a man want to marry you. If you guys fit together and its meant to be, then it will be, regardless of this. All of that holding/chasing is really silly. but if you are the type of lady that like to keep him on his toes, or if your man likes to hunt. then its never too late to make him hunt... just cause he hit doesnt meant that you will let him hit it again whenever he feel like it. You can still be in control and give up the goods when u want. I never did this, but i saw this one guy on Tyra (he was supposed to be some kind of expert, but he just seemed like a skirtchaser to me). anyways, he said that most men would like to continue chasing after the nookie, even after you've already given it. hmmm, wonder if thats true....

I think some do. But, not all. My BF told me that he has dated women that use sex as "currency" and that he thinks its stupid and immature. I told him that I know this can't be true, but he thinks more white women do that then black women. I don't know about that - maybe I need to slow my roll.

 

[locabouthair]

That happened with a guy that worked here. He was with her one time, she was a virgin, when they came back from their honeymoon he filed for an anullment. Very sad. Their families were very upset. And they had an over the top wedding.

I don't think you have to play any games. If a man wants you, he wants you. I did nothing to keep dh interested when we were dating, if anything you would have thought I was a turn off. The same with several guys I've dated.

granted it was their first time i could understand if it wasnt that great with her being a virgin. but to annull a marriage after their first and only time being intimate isn't that a little haste. im saying couldnt they have worked on it maybe he just married her to get the nookie.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

granted it was their first time i could understand if it wasnt that great with her being a virgin. but to annull a marriage after their first and only time being intimate isn't that a little haste. im saying couldnt they have worked on it maybe he just married her to get the nookie.

For real. I would be pissed if he took my virgin nookie and ran and got an annullment the next day. I'd have his head on a plate.

Dlewis, did they sleep together?

 

[PaperClip]

For real. I would be pissed if he took my virgin nookie and ran and got an annullment the next day. I'd have his head on a plate.

Dlewis, did they sleep together?

Good question.... I didn't think you could get an annulment if the marital relationship had been consummated....

Everyone in this thread either was (or still is) a virgin at some point. And if the "deflowering" occurred within a marital relationship or not, the process was still the same in that everybody didn't come out the box knowing how to do it...so hopefully the person VOLUNTARILY CHOSEN to do the deflowering could be trusted to do it right.

So I went back and read the original post...and this phrase "consider yourselves Christian's" to me is the most influential part of my response. When you do it G-d's way (avoid fornication; save sex for the marital relationship), that's the place in which the FULLNESS of the LORD's BLESSINGS can manifest.

How and why would we expect G-d to disobey Himself? What kind of G-d would do that? Is that a G-d worth serving? I think not.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I agree w/ the posts so far. If a man wants you, he wants you. I consider myself a Christian but I actually believe it's wrong to practice pre-martial sex, although I will not be wearing a white vail at my wedding, I feel convicted and actually hurt when I feel I've gone against my God, but realize I'm an adult and what's to be will be no matter what. The previous posters comment is on point.

 

[PaperClip]

I agree w/ the posts so far. If a man wants you, he wants you. I consider myself a Christian but I actually believe it's wrong to practice pre-martial sex, although I will not be wearing a white vail at my wedding, I feel convicted and actually hurt when I feel I've gone against my God, but realize I'm an adult and what's to be will be no matter what. The previous posters comment is on point.

G-d is also a forgiving Lord so when we go to Him with a repenting heart, He can and will forgive and restore....

 

[locabouthair]

Good question.... I didn't think you could get an annulment if the marital relationship had been consummated....

Everyone in this thread either was (or still is) a virgin at some point. And if the "deflowering" occurred within a marital relationship or not, the process was still the same in that everybody didn't come out the box knowing how to do it...so hopefully the person VOLUNTARILY CHOSEN to do the deflowering could be trusted to do it right.

So I went back and read the original post...and this phrase "consider yourselves Christian's" to me is the most influential part of my response. When you do it G-d's way (avoid fornication; save sex for the marital relationship), that's the place in which the FULLNESS of the LORD's BLESSINGS can manifest.

How and why would we expect G-d to disobey Himself? What kind of G-d would do that? Is that a G-d worth serving? I think not.

im confused. can you explain whats the difference between an annulment and a divorce? and what does an annullment have to do with sex? im just confused.

 

[PaperClip]

im confused. can you explain whats the difference between an annulment and a divorce? and what does an annullment have to do with sex? im just confused.

I'm no lawyer, so I Googled....

http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/Term/F36E4001-6232-4799-B7FB234A3C5DF1BD/alpha/D/http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/term/90EC5089-014F-4606-A43C61EF206C9B87
divorce: The legal termination of marriage. All states require a spouse to identify a legal reason for requesting a divorce when that spouse files the divorce papers with the court. These reasons are referred to as grounds for a divorce.


http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/Term/562BEF3A-2213-4DA5-A904132021F334E5/alpha/A/
annulment: A court procedure that dissolves a marriage and treats it as if it never happened. Annulments are rare since the advent of no-fault divorce but may be obtained in most states for one of the following reasons: misrepresentation, concealment (for example, of an addiction or criminal record), misunderstanding and refusal to consummate the marriage.

 

[locabouthair]

I'm no lawyer, so I Googled....

http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/Term/F36E4001-6232-4799-B7FB234A3C5DF1BD/alpha/D/http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/term/90EC5089-014F-4606-A43C61EF206C9B87
divorce: The legal termination of marriage. All states require a spouse to identify a legal reason for requesting a divorce when that spouse files the divorce papers with the court. These reasons are referred to as grounds for a divorce.


http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/Term/562BEF3A-2213-4DA5-A904132021F334E5/alpha/A/
annulment: A court procedure that dissolves a marriage and treats it as if it never happened. Annulments are rare since the advent of no-fault divorce but may be obtained in most states for one of the following reasons: misrepresentation, concealment (for example, of an addiction or criminal record), misunderstanding and refusal to consummate the marriage.

okay I get it now. thanks for posting that.

 

[NoNapNique]

I tend to think the thought and actual WORK of *staying* married for 50+ years until death is hard enough without having to worry about if someone is going to be what you want and need between the sheets. Sex is too critical of an marital issue to play the coy, high school, "wait and see" game.

The dating and courting phase is when people usually build up that physical excitement and chemistry to it's highest... the whole foundation that will build their mental reference for one another sexually. Going even deeper (no pun intended) -- when you are NOT married is probably when you do the MOST for each other sexually (evolutionary theory being: you want to keep your new mate out of the hands of other prey), so it gives that EXTRA reference point for when you are much further down the line and NEED to reminisce. Something about the thought of trying to reminisce about a time in a relationship where you already knew you "had" the person... Maybe that's just me .

 

[creolebeauty]

Good question.... I didn't think you could get an annulment if the marital relationship had been consummated....

Everyone in this thread either was (or still is) a virgin at some point. And if the "deflowering" occurred within a marital relationship or not, the process was still the same in that everybody didn't come out the box knowing how to do it...so hopefully the person VOLUNTARILY CHOSEN to do the deflowering could be trusted to do it right.

So I went back and read the original post...and this phrase "consider yourselves Christian's" to me is the most influential part of my response. When you do it G-d's way (avoid fornication; save sex for the marital relationship), that's the place in which the FULLNESS of the LORD's BLESSINGS can manifest.

How and why would we expect G-d to disobey Himself? What kind of G-d would do that? Is that a G-d worth serving? I think not.

I agree. My biggest struggle was fornication. I repented my sins, and I never went back. I met a wonderful man who respected my commitment to God, and he was also celibate. We did not have sex until we were married. It was a beautiful experience. No I was not a virgin, and neither was he, but we were both born again Christians and we lived our lives to please God. We both gave up premarital sex long before meeting each other.

The beauty of the Lord is that we always get a second chance. Thank God for that second chance, because It's never to late to change. In order to please God, you have to give up those things that go against his will.
When I became saved, I was a knew person. I didn't talk the same, I didn't walk the same, I was truly born again.

To the OP- I dated a few men after I became saved, and most were not open to waiting until marriage to have sex. One guy was really nice and we dated for a few months. One night at dinner, he told me he wanted to date me exclusively. I thought that was great. A couple weeks later, we were talking about sex, and I naturally assumed he was celibate- because he was born again, in theology school, and very active in his church. When I told him that I was not going to spend the night at his house, because I didn't like putting myself in "risky" situations, he was appalled. He told me, it was no way he could be with a woman and not have sex. That was our last conversation. I was turned off by him and he was turned off by me.

 

[Ms Red]

Wow. This is a great thread.

 

[SugarBaby]

Wow. This is a great thread.

Yes, very interesting! This is going to be good.

 

[SugarBaby]

I agree. My biggest struggle was fornication. I repented my sins, and I never went back. I met a wonderful man who respected my commitment to God, and he was also celibate. We did not have sex until we were married. It was a beautiful experience. No I was not a virgin, and neither was he, but we were both born again Christians and we lived our lives to please God. We both gave up premarital sex long before meeting each other.

The beauty of the Lord is that we always get a second chance. Thank God for that second chance, because It's never to late to change. In order to please God, you have to give up those things that go against his will.
When I became saved, I was a knew person. I didn't talk the same, I didn't walk the same, I was truly born again.

To the OP- I dated a few men after I became saved, and most were not open to waiting until marriage to have sex. One guy was really nice and we dated for a few months. One night at dinner, he told me he wanted to date me exclusively. I thought that was great. A couple weeks later, we were talking about sex, and I naturally assumed he was celibate- because he was born again, in theology school, and very active in his church. When I told him that I was not going to spend the night at his house, because I didn't like putting myself in "risky" situations, he was appalled. He told me, it was no way he could be with a woman and not have sex. That was our last conversation. I was turned off by him and he was turned off by me.

The key thing you said was that you repented and never went back.

So many times people think that you can repent and keep going back asking for the forgiveness for the same sin. When you know God's word, he expects you to be accountable for it.

I admire your ability to repent and not go back again.

 

[VictoriousBrownFlower]

I think you should know the person you are going to marry in every way before you take the plunge. I think the divorce rate is so high because people marry strangers. Like someone else on here said sex is an intricate part of developing a deeper intimacy in your relationship. I want to know me and my mate are compatible physically mentally and spiritually before we tie the knot. I mean in the end we all sin dont we. Gossiping, lying etc... I think exuding the character of a christian being kind loving emathetic comassionate is way more important than following every rule in the book.

 

[frostydoll]

That happened with a guy that worked here. He was with her one time, she was a virgin, when they came back from their honeymoon he filed for an anullment. Very sad. Their families were very upset. And they had an over the top wedding.

I don't think you have to play any games. If a man wants you, he wants you. I did nothing to keep dh interested when we were dating, if anything you would have thought I was a turn off. The same with several guys I've dated.

Aww that's so sad... he could've at least taught her some things lol.

 

[nychaelasymone]

Interesting comments ladies!!!

I think my biggest struggle growing up was knowing and feeling I was loved by my family. So I always looked for men to provide me with the feeling that I was wanted and needed until I grew up and realized that no matter what happened in my life, no matter what I think, that I just need to love myself and know that I'm worthy of everything. Every area of my life is under some form of discipline but I struggle most w/ sex. I so admire anyone who is able to repent and never return to that sin. I stayed celebate for 5 years prior to meeting my s/o vowing that I wouldn't go against God. I think that my past w/ him played a part in me swaying my celibacy but God has such a way of reminding us of who HE is, so with that said, I just forgot just how much I need God. My prayers have been, God....please change my life, take me to a new level, I'm ready for something new and good but I can't do that nor can I expect God to take me there if I haven't surrendered completely to Him. I don't know how this will affect my current relationship and I sincerely and truly love my s/o and would love to spend my life with him but realize I gotta get back to God...

 

[locabouthair]

Interesting comments ladies!!!

I think my biggest struggle growing up was knowing and feeling I was loved by my family. So I always looked for men to provide me with the feeling that I was wanted and needed until I grew up and realized that no matter what happened in my life, no matter what I think, that I just need to love myself and know that I'm worthy of everything. Every area of my life is under some form of discipline but I struggle most w/ sex. I so admire anyone who is able to repent and never return to that sin. I stayed celebate for 5 years prior to meeting my s/o vowing that I wouldn't go against God. I think that my past w/ him played a part in me swaying my celibacy but God has such a way of reminding us of who HE is, so with that said, I just forgot just how much I need God. My prayers have been, God....please change my life, take me to a new level, I'm ready for something new and good but I can't do that nor can I expect God to take me there if I haven't surrendered completely to Him. I don't know how this will affect my current relationship and I sincerely and truly love my s/o and would love to spend my life with him but realize I gotta get back to God...

i have a question: are you and your SO on the same page spritually?

 

[nychaelasymone]

i have a question: are you and your SO on the same page spritually?

We are on the same spiritual page but we both struggle w/ our desire to want to be close.

 

[dlewis]

For real. I would be pissed if he took my virgin nookie and ran and got an annullment the next day. I'd have his head on a plate.

Dlewis, did they sleep together?

Yes, he said they did.