Reasons Why You Don’t Date A Married/separated Man

[movingforward13]

So my married friend has been telling me his marriage woes of the last 4-5 years. Sh!t was getting so bad that physical violence started occurring (pushing/shoving). He decided to leave and started looking into filing for divorce.

Ok- well in the process, he met someone. Started going on and on about how amazing she was, deep connection, blah, blah, blah. I told him I would NOT support his infidelity as I don’t agree with him dating, even though his and his wife were sorting through the details of the divorce. It looked 100% for sure they were divorcing and he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t support his new relationship. We stopped speaking for the last month, which I didn’t even notice because I was dealing with a death.

Well he hit me today and told me he is moving back in with his wife. He told the new chick is it done, he is going back home to try to work things out with his wife and deleted new chick from his Instagram and Facebook. She did not see this coming- they had plans to go out of town this weekend.

Now whatever he got going on with the wife will be short lived because they have not resolved their problems. But I am upset with him for getting an innocent woman involved in his bull sh!t. Yes I know she had a choice in the matter but like I said, even to me as his friend, it seemed 100% for sure they would divorce.

Ladies, protect your heart. If he is married, even if he is separated, ignore and block him. Now there is some deeply hurt woman in Florida who was blindsided by a confused man who claimed they had a magical connection because he is now going back to his dysfunctional marriage.

 

[movingforward13]

And for the record I am very pro marriage and HATE infidelity.

 

[Lylddlebit]

Innocent women don't justify dating another woman's husband while he is still married. No matter how close someone is to completing the divorce, he is still married until the divorce is final and marriage is sacred.

Good partners(be it boyfriends or husbands) don't date other women while still married. They have their affairs in order to have something worth offering you when they step to you.

 

[movingforward13]

Innocent women don't justify dating another woman's husband while he is still married.

I disagree there SLIGHTLY. She is innocent because when they met- he wasn’t living in the home, he saw a lawyer and started the filing proceedings. Like some other people say, at that point the marriage is contractual.

Now me- I wouldn’t do it. But that is just because of how I feel about infidelity. Any man stepping to me needs to have a finalized divorce and 6-12 months of healing before I could even consider him. So I do agree it is her fault for not running when he explained to her that he is still married. But she really is innocent in this. Dumb as hell- but innocent.
She didn’t go after a married man AND she trusted his words (and went with him to lawyer meetings) so she expected fully well he would divorce and he didn’t give her any reason not to think so.

And he is doing something really awful right now and making choices that hurts others- but like I told him, his life.

 

[greight]

I've seen some divorce proceedings drag on for years. If I were divorcing my spouse, I probably would start dating and just be clear to the ex-spouse and the men I'm seeing

 

[LiftedUp]

She knew what she was getting into. He's not single so there was no 100% to it.

 

[BonBon]

I dont even think this is just about married. Anyone FRESH out of a relationship is risky.

Never know if you're just a rebound to get someones confidence back, even if they dont go back to their wife/gf.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I don't know why women even bother..the money is funny, credit is hit, their emotions are tied up, a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo and court hearings, kids, baggage, etc just If he respected you he'd sort out his drama and not bring his crap into your life.

I'm not the most emotional and I'm action oriented so I'm not the type to fall for empty words. There's no way I'd be feeling a connection with all of that unfinished business going. What type of foundation am I (third party woman) even supposed to build with this? I'm not the rebound chick or fix it woman.

 

[caribeandiva]

Op, I dated this man who I later found out was married. He said that he was getting divorced but still living together in separate rooms with their toddler. I said: “peace out. Call me when the divorce is final”. I could’ve been another deeply hurt woman in Florida blindsided by a married fool. Nah son

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Op, I dated this man who I later found out was married. He said that he was getting divorced but still living together in separate rooms with their toddler. I said: “peace out. Call me when the divorce is final”. I could’ve been another deeply hurt woman in Florida blindsided by a married fool. Nah son

In the same house though? He wasn’t even trying. I knew a guy like this years ago. He wasn’t married but he lived with the mother of his child even after the relationship ended - due to finances and access to the child. He would date other women but could never bring them to the house. I was amazed at the caliber of women who went along with this.

 

[caribeandiva]

In the same house though? He wasn’t even trying. I knew a guy like this years ago. He wasn’t married but he lived with the mother of his child even after the relationship ended - due to finances and access to the child. He would date other women but could never bring them to the house. I was amazed at the caliber of women who went along with this.

Better to have part of a man than to have no man at all

 

[cinnespice]

I don't date separated or people fresh out of relationships/divorce. There are somtimes unresolved stuff going on that i don't want to deal with. Just because someone is separated doesn't mean the wife wants it that way and won't make the man's life hell.
Or that the man won't go back to his wife. I'm good over here my myself rather than get into heart ache i know i can avoid.

 

[LostInAdream]

It depends on the situation but it’s best just wait until it’s final. I knew someone who divorced their wife and about 2-3 years later were married again.

I date and am going through a divorce. I let it known very early what my situation is. I’d rather you know upfront so there’s no time wasted. There is no chance at reconciliation. I’m just dating for fun and not looking for anything serious.

 

[Ganjababy]

Yep. Happened to me to. After 7 months of dating I realized I did not even know where dude lived but he was buying me plane tickets to fly me out to meet his momma. After a few red flags I asked him what was going on. He admitted that his wife was living with him for a short bit but they were in the middle of a divorce. I was devastated and broke it off. After several months he contacted me and told me that they were divorced and she had moved out and he wanted me to move in with him and meet all his family.

I was soooo happy. But that night I could not sleep. Something gnawed at my very being. I realized that I was just swapping places with the wife and he would do the same to me. So I did not get back with him. Though it was really hard.


He moved on with other relationships and had a child with someone else. She remarried and had 2 kids.

They lost the child they had together when she was in high school. The grief brought them back together and now they are remarried after all of that...

Op, I dated this man who I later found out was married. He said that he was getting divorced but still living together in separate rooms with their toddler. I said: “peace out. Call me when the divorce is final”. I could’ve been another deeply hurt woman in Florida blindsided by a married fool. Nah son

 

[Ganjababy]

Men going through divorces have too much baggage.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating a man who is going though a divorce as long you know a couple things. One he really is going through the process and not just talking that we're separated with no other action being taken. And two recognizing that it's likely not going to be a long term relationship because divorce is a significant life event that takes healing in many realms, and he's on the rebound.

 

[movingforward13]

Update- my friend’s wife asked to speak to me and we had a GOOD conversation. I gave her all my infidelity knowledge and support forum. She told him that he needs to continue talking to me to get his life straight- but I told both of them that I am not getting in between nor being a counselor.

Friend decided now that he can’t live with the guilt of what he did to his family so he called the girlfriend back and moved out the house. Classic freaking wayward cheater. He is doing EVERYTHING from the cheater manual step by step. I told his wife that what she should do is slap him with divorce papers to get him out the affair fog but she has to be ready to stand strong. They can repair it if she does everything like the 180 and filing for divorce and he gains remorse but right now the whole thing is just a mess. Very heartbreaking- this was a good man- I don’t know who the hell he is now.

 

[LostInAdream]

Update- my friend’s wife asked to speak to me and we had a GOOD conversation. I gave her all my infidelity knowledge and support forum. She told him that he needs to continue talking to me to get his life straight- but I told both of them that I am not getting in between nor being a counselor.

Friend decided now that he can’t live with the guilt of what he did to his family so he called the girlfriend back and moved out the house. Classic freaking wayward cheater. He is doing EVERYTHING from the cheater manual step by step. I told his wife that what she should do is slap him with divorce papers to get him out the affair fog but she has to be ready to stand strong. They can repair it if she does everything like the 180 and filing for divorce and he gains remorse but right now the whole thing is just a mess. Very heartbreaking- this was a good man- I don’t know who the hell he is now.

He needs professional help and she needs to stay gone! He just doesn’t want to be alone. He likes the power he has to come and go as he pleases. I hope the girlfriend doesn’t take him back!

 

[movingforward13]

He needs professional help and she needs to stay gone! He just doesn’t want to be alone. He likes the power he has to come and go as he pleases. I hope the girlfriend doesn’t take him back!

She did. Wife called her to talk. Girlfriend doesn’t want him for the long term but doesn’t mind messing with him now because he told her he doesn’t want to be with the wife... which was news to the wife because last they spoke, they were working things out.
I asked him why is he doing this- why not just be alone and sort his head out. He said he has needs.

Selfish @$$ piece of.... I hope the wife took my advice and is looking into divorce. She told me on the phone that she wanted to stay married and would just turn a blind eye to the cheating but I asked her how long does she think she would last.... she couldn’t give me an answer.

 

[movingforward13]

And yes- after years of being married, a man will switch up on you and “get confused” not sure what he wants, blah blah blah to keep you dangling while he has his cake and eats it too. He is only getting away with this because both of them are letting him.

Never get too dependent on a man
Always have an f you stash
Love him but always keep in mind what he is capable of.

The wife quit her job to be a house wife and give him a child. She does hair for passive income. Now she has to find work again because the house is in her name and now he is refusing to pay for anything because he needs somewhere to go to.

I am LIVID- he is doing the same thing he always claimed to hate other men for.

 

[PopLife]

And yes- after years of being married, a man will switch up on you and “get confused” not sure what he wants, blah blah blah to keep you dangling while he has his cake and eats it too. He is only getting away with this because both of them are letting him.

Never get too dependent on a man
Always have an f you stash
Love him but always keep in mind what he is capable of.

The wife quit her job to be a house wife and give him a child. She does hair for passive income. Now she has to find work again because the house is in her name and now he is refusing to pay for anything because he needs somewhere to go to.

I am LIVID- he is doing the same thing he always claimed to hate other men for.

Men. Smh...

 

[ladysaraii]

She did. Wife called her to talk. Girlfriend doesn’t want him for the long term but doesn’t mind messing with him now because he told her he doesn’t want to be with the wife... which was news to the wife because last they spoke, they were working things out.
I asked him why is he doing this- why not just be alone and sort his head out. He said he has needs.

Selfish @$$ piece of.... I hope the wife took my advice and is looking into divorce. She told me on the phone that she wanted to stay married and would just turn a blind eye to the cheating but I asked her how long does she think she would last.... she couldn’t give me an answer.

She definitely needs to file and get a formal support order.

 

[qchelle]

And yes- after years of being married, a man will switch up on you and “get confused” not sure what he wants, blah blah blah to keep you dangling while he has his cake and eats it too. He is only getting away with this because both of them are letting him.

Never get too dependent on a man
Always have an f you stash
Love him but always keep in mind what he is capable of.

The wife quit her job to be a house wife and give him a child. She does hair for passive income. Now she has to find work again because the house is in her name and now he is refusing to pay for anything because he needs somewhere to go to.

I am LIVID- he is doing the same thing he always claimed to hate other men for.

Omg

 

[curlicarib]

And this is why she needs to get a lawyer and file some paperwork. The Court will make him pay the bills.

SMDH. Trifling asz MFer!

And yes- after years of being married, a man will switch up on you and “get confused” not sure what he wants, blah blah blah to keep you dangling while he has his cake and eats it too. He is only getting away with this because both of them are letting him.

Never get too dependent on a man
Always have an f you stash
Love him but always keep in mind what he is capable of.

The wife quit her job to be a house wife and give him a child. She does hair for passive income. Now she has to find work again because the house is in her name and now he is refusing to pay for anything because he needs somewhere to go to.

I am LIVID- he is doing the same thing he always claimed to hate other men for.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I hope the wife gets everything and he has to rebuild. The side piece is dumb with no type of standard, smh.

 

[caribeandiva]

And yes- after years of being married, a man will switch up on you and “get confused” not sure what he wants, blah blah blah to keep you dangling while he has his cake and eats it too. He is only getting away with this because both of them are letting him.

Never get too dependent on a man
Always have an f you stash
Love him but always keep in mind what he is capable of.

The wife quit her job to be a house wife and give him a child. She does hair for passive income. Now she has to find work again because the house is in her name and now he is refusing to pay for anything because he needs somewhere to go to.

I am LIVID- he is doing the same thing he always claimed to hate other men for.

Did someone close to him die recently?

 

[movingforward13]

Did someone close to him die recently?

No- him and the wife has been having problems for a long while now. In my opinion, the wife treated him like sh!t at times- she even admitted it to me on the phone call. He is a cop so panties are thrown at him daily and I think he just finally snapped. Now the wife wants to work things out, wants to do counseling and etc. but he isn’t interested.

At this point I don’t care what the wife did or didn’t do, he KNOWS my stance on infidelity. When he first met the side chick, I asked him not to get involved until the divorce was final (because it really seemed like they were divorcing) and he told me no. So I told him I still see him as a married man and I didn’t approve (I am like a sister to him so my opinion matters) but it was his life so have at it. And then we stopped speaking as I had a death happen in my circle. Since then, he has the side chick and a random one night stand with another chick- NO CONDOMS.
I just found all of this out the morning I spoke to the wife. I don’t know who this man is because the man I knew was so god fearing, didn’t believe in fornication (he married his wife very quickly so they wouldn’t fornicate), cared about family and the wife’s other two children... Now he is drinking, smoking weed daily, partying like he has no responsibilities- did I mention he is a COP? Like I don’t get what happened. On a path to self destruction and it hurts watching this train wreck.

 

[Evolving78]

It depends on the situation but it’s best just wait until it’s final. I knew someone who divorced their wife and about 2-3 years later were married again.

I date and am going through a divorce. I let it known very early what my situation is. I’d rather you know upfront so there’s no time wasted. There is no chance at reconciliation. I’m just dating for fun and not looking for anything serious.

I dated when I went through my divorce. I was so done.. but to each his own.

 

[Fine 4s]

One of those gray areas for me. I did it and they divorced and all was fine.
But I can definitely see how these things can go left.

I was just about to ad right before reading another post that even AFTER the divorce they can still get back together. But that might be different. Isn't that like saying that you can go back to an ex?
Unless you've never been with anyone else, I guess so.....happened to me too.

Real good advice in this thread. It's like the best way to not get pregnant is abstinence but if you must, proceed with super duper caution, baggage, guilt, exes that won't let go, doubts, rebound all that come into play.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I don't know that I could continue being his friend. He sounds like a stranger to you. The side chick is just hoping to be the last one standing after the wife has had enough and he's gotten all this mess out of his system.

Is this a mid life crisis? Lots of people divorce but the infidelity coupled with his other inconsistent behaviors makes me think something deeper is happening.