Real Life Advice Needed

[Ms Red]

Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

I need your collective common sense dating advice on a situation I am in...

First, I will say that I am marriage-minded. I'm not interested in dating just for the hell of it. I would like to have a 'purpose' for dating.

I am dating this man whom I've known for 8 years. Long story short, we met then... he came on too strong and although I liked him a lot, I cut him out of my life because I wasn't ready for that type of relationship. We kept in touch through e-mail over the years... you probably know the story.

Well fast forward to last November when we started talking again (this time much more seriously. He is 31, should be more mature...) We were 'talking' until May, when we decided to meet again. This man lives in the VA/MD/DC area and I am in Texas. May came around and we had a great time. We ended up seeing each other twice (he came to Houston, I went to DC for Memorial Day). Good times. I work in DC once a month also so the possibility of us seeing one another more often was good.

We went out in June up there and he showed me a great time. In July I went for work (1 week ago) and again, I had a great time. When I am with him, I am happy. The problem comes in because he has (and has always had) a HUGE network/group of friends (none of whom I've met yet-- it's been only 2 months). He goes out (partying, lounges, birthdays, etc.) about 3-4 times a week. He is single and I am single and I realize that we are just 'DATING' (and long distance at that). But I complain because at almost 32, I thought all of the going out would be somewhat out of his system. He claims that he is marriage-minded; wants kids soon, etc. But yet when I bring this up, all conversation halts.

He has said things like 'It would be different if you moved up here.' And I'm DEAD SET on NOT living together. I really don't think anything would change. I guess I prefer more of a homebody (at lease SOMETIMES) but his role as the 'court jester / class clown' is too much. I would say he has about 100 close friends.

I am kind of new to dating and I idealize a lot so I need some objective opinions. This is probably the most intimate relationship I have had and although I would like it to work out... this bothers me to no end. This man HAS to be on SOMEONE'S list to get into several parties every week. So I assume what (or who) are you looking for? Did I mention that at first he didn't want to 'Put a title' on the relationship?

To me he is a classic case of 'Ivy-league educated brother with a huge ego in a region where women outnumber men.' Will he ever grow up??? His complaint is that I constantly change my mind about pursuing a relationship with him. This is because when I visit him, things are peachy but when I leave, and he and his 500 friends start partying again, I start to get frustrated and question whether or not he is serious about a relationship. I really believe if left to his own devices, he would have this pseudo, title-less relationship just drift on without a thought. Is he afraid of commitment? What?!

In 2 months time, I have also had to drop hints about: opening the car door, flowers, just basic romantic things I would expect a 31 yr. old guy to know. We have exchanged 'I love yous' and right now we aren't talking because I am tired of his actions not matching his promises. I deserve so much more but on the same token, if I am being childish, then I'm willing to grow/change to see positive results.

I have been upfront with him and told him 'I want to be engaged and married by X' erplexed He practically passed out from the 'pressure.' Also, we are of different faiths... I do not want to waste time.

Thoughts? Please chime in!

 

[Bunny77]

All I know is that any man who "doesn't want to put a title on things," is trying to avoid a serious commitment. I want my title, gosh darnit. I deserve a title. You can't give me a title, you gots to go!!!


Also, while I don't tell a man that I want to be engaged and married by X date, I do talk to potential partners in a general sense about marriage and state that it is a goal of mine. When dudes ask what I plan to do in five years, I talk about career goals AND mention that I want to find a way to ensure they don't get in the way of my goals of marriage and family.

So I state it like I mean it when I'm asked, but in a matter-of-fact way (not a pressuring way). In five years, I want to be in X place in my career and be married and starting a family. If a man is scared of me simply stating that, then he's not the one.

 

[Ms Red]

I was hoping you would respond, Bunny. Thank you

He has changed his tune on the title thing but I guess I need to figure out what I want from him... and what he can give me at this point.

All I know is that any man who "doesn't want to put a title on things," is trying to avoid a serious commitment. I want my title, gosh darnit. I deserve a title. You can't give me a title, you gots to go!!!


Also, while I don't tell a man that I want to be engaged and married by X date, I do talk to potential partners in a general sense about marriage and state that it is a goal of mine. When dudes ask what I plan to do in five years, I talk about career goals AND mention that I want to find a way to ensure they don't get in the way of my goals of marriage and family.

So I state it like I mean it when I'm asked, but in a matter-of-fact way (not a pressuring way). In five years, I want to be in X place in my career and be married and starting a family. If a man is scared of me simply stating that, then he's not the one.

 

[starfish]

Re: Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

He claims that he is marriage-minded; wants kids soon, etc. But yet when I bring this up, all conversation halts.
Don't go by what he says, look at what he does. The conversation stopped.

Did I mention that at first he didn't want to 'Put a title' on the relationship?
Because he doesn't want you as a girlfriend or make a commitment to you.

(and has always had) a HUGE network/group of friends (none of whom I've met yet-- it's been only 2 months).
length of time doesn't matter, when they are into you even after just 3 weeks you are meeting friends who tell you how they've heard so much about you. They want you to meet everybody and show you off.
I really believe if left to his own devices, he would have this pseudo, title-less relationship just drift on without a thought.
You said it!

Is he afraid of commitment? What?!
This is the excuse I, and other women, have used for men who are leading us on. 'they're afraid, they're scared....Naw, they really just don't want us!
In 2 months time, I have also had to drop hints about: opening the car door, flowers, just basic romantic things I would expect a 31 yr. old guy to know.
He should be on his best behavior early on....if you have to remind him to do these this early on it's a huge red flag.

I deserve so much more but on the same token, if I am being childish, then I'm willing to grow/change to see positive results.
You aren't being childish, you are being very very mature and tuned in, which is telling you the truth of you deserve so much more.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given is that if a man has integrity and is sincere in his intentions to date and court you, you should have no doubt in your mind where you stand. No questions at all.

Good for you for listening to your internal siren that is screaming that something just isn't right here. I used to tell that megaphone in my head to shut up and it cost me dearly by letting men not treat me right.

If you decide to end your dating, don't listen to what he says. 'It would be different if you moved up here.' His complaint is that I constantly change my mind about pursuing a relationship with him. He definitely has game, he's trying to make his lack of action YOUR issue.

Keep us posted!

 

[prettypuff1]

Re: Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

.


In 2 months time, I have also had to drop hints about: opening the car door, flowers, just basic romantic things I would expect a 31 yr. old guy to know. We have exchanged 'I love yous' and right now we aren't talking because I am tired of his actions not matching his promises. I deserve so much more but on the same token, if I am being childish, then I'm willing to grow/change to see positive results.

It sounds like dude doesn't want the party to end and he just isnt that into you. I think these two can be mutually exclusive events, but that latter is more important.

I like to go out with my friends and chill, so i dont that is so much of the issue. The bigger issue is that you have made it plain to him that you are uncomfortable with it and he is unwilling to change. He may like to hang out with his friends and be out. I am that kind of person, i like to go out to bars and i dont like being at home. He may be that kind of guy, very social and just like to be out. That doesnt mean that he isn't ready for a relationship or that he is looking for cooter.. I believe there is a bigger issue there, the issue being " i want him to have me and that be enough". He may not be that kind of guy.

Then there is also the more serious issue, that is what i quoted, he is disappointing you and knowingly does it. You have mad it plain that you don't like his very active social climate and he hasnt changed it. He also is letting you down with things that should be happening. I take that as he isnt that into you for what ever reason. One thing that ihave learned in my MANY dating strike- uts is that if he is willing to disappoint now, he will do it again. He is plainly saying " I couldnt give a less of a **** how you feel and I know you will stick around" If he cant hold the door open, he aint worth wasting you long distance on. He wasnt the man you wanted 8 years ago he aint gonna be the one you want now. I have been in your situation more times than i care to share and honestly it doesnt get better. Just think, if you marry this man, the same kind of selfish you are seeing now, you will see later only with more MAJOR THINGS. Like he will be the guy to expect you to pay all the bills and he gets to do what he pleases. Or he will disappoint when it comes to being an active parent. All these kinds of selfish things will manefest greater if you try to "tough it out".

You arent being childish to demand the barest of what you deserve.He should send you flowers, he is lucky someone is gonna put up with him and his antics. You are good woman with yourself together he better send you some doggone flowers and hold the friggin door.

I would ditch the dead weight girl, trust me ihave waited it out and it only ends in greater disappointment

 

[ElizaBlue]

I have this friend guy who lives in DC. Several in fact. But this one who is married, always always tells it like it is. From him, on long distance relationships it's "Time spent apart is time spent with another"

One of my favorite sayings on getting that nagging feeling about a guy but you really have no proof. But...eh....something just ain't right is "To wonder is to know"

I think from what you've posted and having intimate knowledge of the DC scene. I too work there on the weekly. He's a major player. He may consider you a strong contender, but please believe you got some serious competition. Women in DC treat finding and getting a man like a job interview. They are coming correct. I'm not saying you don't either but they have the advantage of being present. As you know with getting and keeping any job, showing up is the biggest part.

Tell him your job is contemplating relocating you. I mean I'm sure that is a possibility right. Just see what he comes up with. If he's already stated he's not interested in moving and you know you are not either. Then it's all a moot issue anyway.

My FH lives in SC. That's one of the first "within the first two weeks" conversations we had.

1) Does he ever see himself being married again. Check.

2)Would he be willing to move to Texas: Check.

3) Are you looking to date around or do you want a significant relationship: Definitely not interested in dating long term.

I got these questions out of the way fast. Because I am not one to want to waste my time on a buddy. If a buddy is what you want be a man and let that be clear. But don't have me operating like Suzy homemaker while you still out being Cassanova. But given the "permission" and yes we women do that, a man will forever be trapped in the closet of indecision.

I let him know early on, I'm back on the market because I choose to be. And that I planned to be married again within a year. There was another guy I was dating at the beginning of this year, I told him that. I really wasn't that in to him...at all. But at any rate, he was always on the scene. Made every party. Essence Festival tickets and reservations in advance. All that ish in Vegas with the basketballs, paid for last year. Cruises already booked. Always the life of the party. A get together wasn't going down in HTown that he wasn't invited to.

I told him he seemed like someone who enjoyed spending money. And that I wanted to save to invest in real estate. Oh he really wanted to get on my program. Yeah he wanted to get married again. He also knew I was very much a homebody. He wanted to settle down. But his actions never changed. When he came back from the Essence Festival he had the nerve to call, talking about how much he missed his baby.

I politely asked him to whom was he referring and let him know his invitation would be in the mail. He called me yesterday pleading his case. Sorry Charlie, someone else is waking me up in the morning these days.

 

[Ms Red]

Re: Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

Stafish, thank you for your open and HONEST answers. Something is *not* right.

HIS so-called friends have e-mailed me saying 'I've heard so many good things about you. What is wrong with him? He is screwing up!'

He claims that he is marriage-minded; wants kids soon, etc. But yet when I bring this up, all conversation halts.
Don't go by what he says, look at what he does. The conversation stopped.

Did I mention that at first he didn't want to 'Put a title' on the relationship?
Because he doesn't want you as a girlfriend or make a commitment to you.

(and has always had) a HUGE network/group of friends (none of whom I've met yet-- it's been only 2 months).
length of time doesn't matter, when they are into you even after just 3 weeks you are meeting friends who tell you how they've heard so much about you. They want you to meet everybody and show you off.
I really believe if left to his own devices, he would have this pseudo, title-less relationship just drift on without a thought.
You said it!

Is he afraid of commitment? What?!
This is the excuse I, and other women, have used for men who are leading us on. 'they're afraid, they're scared....Naw, they really just don't want us!
In 2 months time, I have also had to drop hints about: opening the car door, flowers, just basic romantic things I would expect a 31 yr. old guy to know.
He should be on his best behavior early on....if you have to remind him to do these this early on it's a huge red flag.

I deserve so much more but on the same token, if I am being childish, then I'm willing to grow/change to see positive results.
You aren't being childish, you are being very very mature and tuned in, which is telling you the truth of you deserve so much more.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given is that if a man has integrity and is sincere in his intentions to date and court you, you should have no doubt in your mind where you stand. No questions at all.

Good for you for listening to your internal siren that is screaming that something just isn't right here. I used to tell that megaphone in my head to shut up and it cost me dearly by letting men not treat me right.

If you decide to end your dating, don't listen to what he says. 'It would be different if you moved up here.' His complaint is that I constantly change my mind about pursuing a relationship with him. He definitely has game, he's trying to make his lack of action YOUR issue.

Keep us posted!

 

[starfish]

Re: Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

Stafish, thank you for your open and HONEST answers. Something is *not* right.

HIS so-called friends have e-mailed me saying 'I've heard so many good things about you. What is wrong with him? He is screwing up!'


I was brutally honest and not trying to be rude...thank you for not taking offense!

HIS so-called friends have e-mailed me saying 'I've heard so many good things about you. What is wrong with him? He is screwing up!'

I knew a bunch of guys when I was in my early 30s that would run game like this. Really, they would email the others 'girlfriends' with stuff like that. I stopped hanging out with them, but it really schooled me about how far some men will go keep the illusion alive. Don't believe it. Look at the action, or lack of it, he STILL hasn't introduced you to his friends in person. Don't buy into the 'he needs help learning' lie either, that's what his momma was for. (who on here has that quote as their tag?)That's a huge red flag.

ElizaBlue's advice was spot on. There's no guessing. Read the first part of her thread....after two months she flew to SC to meet her FH and met his PARENTS.

Listen. To. The. Voice. The one that is giving you pause and concern. It never lies......

 

[Ms Red]

Re: Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

Thank you prettypuff. Girl the bolded REALLY makes sense.

Your insight is sooooo appreciated!

It sounds like dude doesn't want the party to end and he just isnt that into you. I think these two can be mutually exclusive events, but that latter is more important.

I like to go out with my friends and chill, so i dont that is so much of the issue. The bigger issue is that you have made it plain to him that you are uncomfortable with it and he is unwilling to change. He may like to hang out with his friends and be out. I am that kind of person, i like to go out to bars and i dont like being at home. He may be that kind of guy, very social and just like to be out. That doesnt mean that he isn't ready for a relationship or that he is looking for cooter.. I believe there is a bigger issue there, the issue being " i want him to have me and that be enough". He may not be that kind of guy.

Then there is also the more serious issue, that is what i quoted, he is disappointing you and knowingly does it. You have mad it plain that you don't like his very active social climate and he hasnt changed it. He also is letting you down with things that should be happening. I take that as he isnt that into you for what ever reason. One thing that ihave learned in my MANY dating strike- uts is that if he is willing to disappoint now, he will do it again. He is plainly saying " I couldnt give a less of a **** how you feel and I know you will stick around" If he cant hold the door open, he aint worth wasting you long distance on. He wasnt the man you wanted 8 years ago he aint gonna be the one you want now. I have been in your situation more times than i care to share and honestly it doesnt get better. Just think, if you marry this man, the same kind of selfish you are seeing now, you will see later only with more MAJOR THINGS. Like he will be the guy to expect you to pay all the bills and he gets to do what he pleases. Or he will disappoint when it comes to being an active parent. All these kinds of selfish things will manefest greater if you try to "tough it out".

You arent being childish to demand the barest of what you deserve.He should send you flowers, he is lucky someone is gonna put up with him and his antics. You are good woman with yourself together he better send you some doggone flowers and hold the friggin door.

I would ditch the dead weight girl, trust me ihave waited it out and it only ends in greater disappointment

 

[drasgrl]

He's a party boy, nothing wrong with that but that's not what you want. You're trying to put a square peg into a round hole and it's not working. Instead of trying to shove it on the hole and being frustrated that it's not going in you need to find a different solution.

He's not going to change. If he wanted to be a homebody he would be but he's not. Accept him for who he is or KIM. He might change he might not. I wouldn't wait around for him to be someone he doesn't want to be.

 

[Ms Red]

I hear you, loud and clear.

This dude is trying to be a player but has no hand

I have this friend guy who lives in DC. Several in fact. But this one who is married, always always tells it like it is. From him, on long distance relationships it's "Time spent apart is time spent with another"

One of my favorite sayings on getting that nagging feeling about a guy but you really have no proof. But...eh....something just ain't right is "To wonder is to know"

I think from what you've posted and having intimate knowledge of the DC scene. I too work there on the weekly. He's a major player. He may consider you a strong contender, but please believe you got some serious competition. Women in DC treat finding and getting a man like a job interview. They are coming correct. I'm not saying you don't either but they have the advantage of being present. As you know with getting and keeping any job, showing up is the biggest part.

Tell him your job is contemplating relocating you. I mean I'm sure that is a possibility right. Just see what he comes up with. If he's already stated he's not interested in moving and you know you are not either. Then it's all a moot issue anyway.

My FH lives in SC. That's one of the first "within the first two weeks" conversations we had.

1) Does he ever see himself being married again. Check.

2)Would he be willing to move to Texas: Check.

3) Are you looking to date around or do you want a significant relationship: Definitely not interested in dating long term.

I got these questions out of the way fast. Because I am not one to want to waste my time on a buddy. If a buddy is what you want be a man and let that be clear. But don't have me operating like Suzy homemaker while you still out being Cassanova. But given the "permission" and yes we women do that, a man will forever be trapped in the closet of indecision.

I let him know early on, I'm back on the market because I choose to be. And that I planned to be married again within a year. There was another guy I was dating at the beginning of this year, I told him that. I really wasn't that in to him...at all. But at any rate, he was always on the scene. Made every party. Essence Festival tickets and reservations in advance. All that ish in Vegas with the basketballs, paid for last year. Cruises already booked. Always the life of the party. A get together wasn't going down in HTown that he wasn't invited to.

I told him he seemed like someone who enjoyed spending money. And that I wanted to save to invest in real estate. Oh he really wanted to get on my program. Yeah he wanted to get married again. He also knew I was very much a homebody. He wanted to settle down. But his actions never changed. When he came back from the Essence Festival he had the nerve to call, talking about how much he missed his baby.

I politely asked him to whom was he referring and let him know his invitation would be in the mail. He called me yesterday pleading his case. Sorry Charlie, someone else is waking me up in the morning these days.

 

[Ms Red]

Re: Real Life Advice Needed, Please...

THANK YOU.

Stafish, thank you for your open and HONEST answers. Something is *not* right.

HIS so-called friends have e-mailed me saying 'I've heard so many good things about you. What is wrong with him? He is screwing up!'


I was brutally honest and not trying to be rude...thank you for not taking offense!

HIS so-called friends have e-mailed me saying 'I've heard so many good things about you. What is wrong with him? He is screwing up!'

I knew a bunch of guys when I was in my early 30s that would run game like this. Really, they would email the others 'girlfriends' with stuff like that. I stopped hanging out with them, but it really schooled me about how far some men will go keep the illusion alive. Don't believe it. Look at the action, or lack of it, he STILL hasn't introduced you to his friends in person. Don't buy into the 'he needs help learning' lie either, that's what his momma was for. (who on here has that quote as their tag?)That's a huge red flag.

ElizaBlue's advice was spot on. There's no guessing. Read the first part of her thread....after two months she flew to SC to meet her FH and met his PARENTS.

Listen. To. The. Voice. The one that is giving you pause and concern. It never lies......

 

[Ms Red]

Thanks for your input. Common sense that I need to hear.

He's a party boy, nothing wrong with that but that's not what you want. You're trying to put a square peg into a round hole and it's not working. Instead of trying to shove it on the hole and being frustrated that it's not going in you need to find a different solution.

He's not going to change. If he wanted to be a homebody he would be but he's not. Accept him for who he is or KIM. He might change he might not. I wouldn't wait around for him to be someone he doesn't want to be.

 

[frizzy]

It sounds like he likes his life just the way it is right now. He is not ready for a ball and chain. Maybe in a few years, but not now.

 

[Ms Red]

I agree. As much as he complains about being lonely and alone, his actions tell a whole other story. erplexed

I am just glad to cut it off after 2 months, not years...

It sounds like he likes his life just the way it is right now. He is not ready for a ball and chain. Maybe in a few years, but not now.

 

[Amour]

The different faith thing would have been a deal breaker for me. However everyone is different and what really matter is how you feel about that part.

JMO... If he was really serious then he would be putting more effort into spending less time with his buddies and devoting more of that time to you and your relationship. If I were you, I would lay out all your feelings and concerns on the table and if he wasn't perpared to do anything about them, I would bounce

He seems abit like a time waster to be honest... I mean he seems quite immature.

p.s I would have NEVER EVER EVER guessed you were 32 , you dont like a day over 22

 

[Ms Red]

Hey KissKiss. Thank you so much for your advice and input.

He is almost 32, I just turned 28. But you made my day

The different faith thing would have been a deal breaker for me. However everyone is different and what really matter is how you feel about that part.

JMO... If he was really serious then he would be putting more effort into spending less time with his buddies and devoting more of that time to you and your relationship. If I were you, I would lay out all your feelings and concerns on the table and if he wasn't perpared to do anything about them, I would bounce

He seems abit like a time waster to be honest... I mean he seems quite immature.

p.s I would have NEVER EVER EVER guessed you were 32 , you dont like a day over 22

 

[Farida]

It is a big issue, especially if he doesn't honor your concern. DH and I are homebodies and it would be so hard on our relationship if he always wanted to go out and party.

 

[Makenzie]

Here's my $.02 to all the on point advice you've been getting.

1~His actions now stand a very good chance of being his actions after marriage. Don't marry him or move to his city with the hope he will change. See the change first then progress with a relationship.

2~Listen to yourself. We as women always second guessing ourselves. You know what you want. There is nothing wrong with going for what you want, not what others feel you should have or what that doubting angel is telling you in your mind.

I had to learn both the hard way. But I would much rather be single and happy than miserable but with a man. Shoot, I'd even take miserable and single than miserable with a man.

 

[Duchesse]

A lot of what you wrote reminds me of a situation I am currently in. The distance, the here today gone tomorrow vibe. Then I saw in the "Zodiac" thread that he is a Capricorn like my dude is. ...sigh

I have nothing more to add as the ladies already gave you great advice. I hope everything works out for you girl!

 

[*5+5]

I'll just add this, as the ladies have given you pretty good advice.

I'm new to the DMV area have been living here for 6mons. There are tons of functions/socials daily for young professionals. I moved here from the RDU in NC and I thought it was plenty to do there until I got here. The fact that he is an Ivy-Alum here in the DMV his options amplify (dc ivy, black ivy or other prestigious societies)...I make it a choice to stay home b/c of SO (ex-SO as of last nite)....now that I'm single I'll prolly be out all of the time as he is. Maybe when you guys confirm the exclusivity of the relationship he'll scale it back..

 

[classycrimson]

I live in the DC/MD/VA area...and his M.O. is very common here. This area is full of bright young men who behave as kids in candy stores. Many of them don't want to define anything or bestow titles...cuz in this neck of the woods, they aren't necessary for them to have their fun. I know MANY MANY MANY MANY men like that here...great jobs, great education, great income, no kids, not-so great at courting women.
But most of these guys come on very strong when they know what they want....and they have short attn spans. I'm not sure about your friend...but typically they dont change unless they really really want to. Initially when he was coming on strong would have been a great time to initiaite something with him...but the timing for you two just seems to be off.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I agree with Classy and others on this thread. Living in the DC area, where the ration for men to women is like a mil to one. It's hard out here, dating wise. Also, he's 31. Men like him and in general usually don't dummy up until their 40. Let him get it outta his system now. Hopefully when you meet him again, you either a) won't want him because you have moved on or b) see a. That is what I see happening. Clearly, he's not relationship material for you right now. And maybe that is a good thing. Hell, from what I understand, there are some fine brothers in Houston....

 

[classycrimson]

Yea....in these parts it's VERY common for them not to wanna settle down til late 30's early 40's. It's party hearty time til mid late 30's. Funny...I've met several attractive well to do brothers here who are never married, no kids and early 40s. But there are exceptions to the rule....

 

[erokawa]

It seems simple to me. You're a homebody and he's a social guy. You can't really complain if you're going after your complete opposite type in the first place. I mean if you live far away, but you have a problem with him going out a lot, what sense does that make? Is he supposed to sit at home doing nothing to prove a point to you?

Maybe it's just me, because I'm really social as well - but he just seems like a guy who likes to do a lot with his days and be around people, and you prefer to keep to yourself at be at home - so it's obviously not going to work out. Either accept him, or move on, those are your only two choices.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

if you have to question yourself this much, then i think you know that for whatever reason, this just isn't for you... he's not going to change until he wants to change and it doesn't sound like he wants to... you have this idea about what you want and he's not measuring up to that list... to continue would be to invite more frustration...

 

[SUPER SWEET]

We receive so many mixed signals about what single life and what our 30's are about. On one hand you have the religious group stating settling down and on the other hand the worldly view of going out and enjoy life until 40. His life seems more of the worldly view. I really don't feel he is READY to be settled down and staying in the house just yet. You never know what can happen over a matter of 4 years, but are you willing to wait and sacrifice your happiness for his By him not wanting to give a title of your relationship, is proof that he likes freedom.

 

[Ms Red]

PBE, thank you for your advice.

I agree with what you've stated. #1 is what I have been stating from the beginning. I want to see the change BEFORE making a life-altering (and potential mistake) decision.

Again, thank you!

Here's my $.02 to all the on point advice you've been getting.

1~His actions now stand a very good chance of being his actions after marriage. Don't marry him or move to his city with the hope he will change. See the change first then progress with a relationship.

2~Listen to yourself. We as women always second guessing ourselves. You know what you want. There is nothing wrong with going for what you want, not what others feel you should have or what that doubting angel is telling you in your mind.

I had to learn both the hard way. But I would much rather be single and happy than miserable but with a man. Shoot, I'd even take miserable and single than miserable with a man.

 

[Ms Red]

Thank you, Duchesse I hope everything with your situation works out for the best too!!!

A lot of what you wrote reminds me of a situation I am currently in. The distance, the here today gone tomorrow vibe. Then I saw in the "Zodiac" thread that he is a Capricorn like my dude is. ...sigh

I have nothing more to add as the ladies already gave you great advice. I hope everything works out for you girl!

 

[Ms Red]

Yes, the events are plentiful and he wants to have a conversation about the type of relationship we're in. Hello. Exclusive? With this being my first rodeo, I am learning A LOT about men, their games, women, OUR games, and dating in general.

Thank you for your advice *5+5

PS. Sorry about the ex situation

I'll just add this, as the ladies have given you pretty good advice.

I'm new to the DMV area have been living here for 6mons. There are tons of functions/socials daily for young professionals. I moved here from the RDU in NC and I thought it was plenty to do there until I got here. The fact that he is an Ivy-Alum here in the DMV his options amplify (dc ivy, black ivy or other prestigious societies)...I make it a choice to stay home b/c of SO (ex-SO as of last nite)....now that I'm single I'll prolly be out all of the time as he is. Maybe when you guys confirm the exclusivity of the relationship he'll scale it back..