Question

[syze6]

I had a talk with a young lady who relationship ended after 20+ years. I know the ex and this girl spent all those years going above and beyond for him. She has several children with the man as well. He decided that the relationship wasn't for him anymore. In all honesty, I think it lasted as long as it did because he needed her and was she was the only one he could count on. Even his family tired of him and his addiction and jail stints.

I could tell she is hurting because she really wanted to marry this guy.I think she met him when she was 18 or 19. She actually hyphenated her name with his last name. Even though they never married in those years. She has sacrificed herself to the point, she lost herself. She keeps wondering what happened to honor. Which I told her men don't get caught up in years and how much you sacrifice. When they aren't happy with you they will move on, kids or no kids. I would rather a man stay with me out of love than feel obligated because I have been through so many storms and forgave a bunch of his foolishness.

I was giving her encouraging words. I gave her the whole you can go it, don't be the person he runs to when he needs something etc. Even after him moving on with others, she says if he needs anything she will always help him. My speech had to stop after that. I realized that she would probably never move on if she stays being his rescuer. She says she is moving on, but I can't see how she would let go, being his stand-by for emergencies.

I believe since that was the dynamic of their relationship for all those years, that was her way of being connected to him. She stated she even put him before her children, because she loved him.

What kind of love makes a woman put a man before her children? My children come first in my life, but I know many women who do put the man before the children. When I say man, I'm speaking of boyfriends.

 

[MzLady78]

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this.

So much fuggery, so little time.

 

[LivingInPeace]

She asked you "What happened to honor?" Really. Really?

 

[Ogoma]

The separation would not have been any less painful if they had gotten married so not sure why they is even part of the discussion. He could have married her then and still divorced her after he felt established. Men do it all the time.

Maybe being needed is her love language and she will just move on to the next man and have the same dynamic, unless she works through her issues.

 

[syze6]

Yeah...it seemed that she was feeling he should have stayed based on all the shish she has been through with him. Trust me, the girl has done things I don't think anyone would have the strength to do. I felt for her but I really think if he was to come back she would be in that cycle all over again. She is forced to move on but she doesn't want to. I can see her whole appearance has changed from being absorbed in this relationship. I just kept thinking of the girl who took time out for herself. She was always dressed, neat and shaped very nicely. She has gained so much weight with each child she had. It seems that her sadness and being occupied with him over the years, has caused her not to cater to herself. It's sad when you base your whole future on one man. I told her there are women with 4+ children who go on to find love...real love.

 

[brownb83]

Yeah young girls need to be taught that men think and act differently than women.

So making sacrifices, being a down arse ich, all these things men give zero flycks about.

Men do what makes them happy Period. Women have to learn to do the same.

It's difficult to do though if no one has taught you. I feel bad for her she lost herself.

But the best thing a woman married or not can do is put herself first, take good care of herself as if her relationship/marriage could end tomorrow because it can.

 

[syze6]

The separation would not have been any less painful if they had gotten married so not sure why they is even part of the discussion. He could have married her then and still divorced her after he felt established. Men do it all the time.

Maybe being needed is her love language and she will just move on to the next man and have the same dynamic, unless she works through her issues.

I agree...pain is pain no matter marriage or not. It was always something she wanted badly. She wanted to be married regardless of the pain she was enduring. I always felt bad because when he was asked if he would marry, he always said he would, but not to her. I'm thinking why even keep bothering with a woman you KNOW wants marriage. I don't know any woman who chooses to have baby after baby with the same guy, unless she felt it was going to be permanent.

I think him being in addiction for all those years, made it easy for him to continue to attach himself to her. Maybe she felt love by being needed. To be honest, I saw it coming, this was 4 years in the making, but still felt bad for her. I saw him get clean, get employment, a home and all the things that is a success story of addiction. His dependence on her diminished slowly. I think that being a huge part of the relationship has left her feeling a certain type of way. She cried and I hate to see anyone cry, so I hugged her and made her laugh.

 

[LiftedUp]

Where is her family? What sort of influence do they have in her life?

 

[syze6]

Yeah young girls need to be taught that men think and act differently than women.

So making sacrifices, being a down arse ich, all these things men give zero flycks about.

Men do what makes them happy Period. Women have to learn to do the same.

It's difficult to do though if no one has taught you. I feel bad for her she lost herself.

But the best thing a woman married or not can do is put herself first, take good care of herself as if her relationship/marriage could end tomorrow because it can.

Yep...Men don't SETTLE! My father taught me that a long time ago. They can leave a woman they have several biological children with and get with one that has none. It is all about what makes them happy. I told her if she takes away all the suffering and sacrifices and weigh them against the happy moments, she could gauge if that really was the relationship she could be happy in.

 

[syze6]

Where is her family? What sort of influence do they have in her life?

She comes from a very good family with close siblings. Unfortunately, she kind of alienated herself from them because they didn't feel he was good for her. So she made his family her family. Everything evolved around him and his family. Holidays outings and such was all spent with his family and him. As the children continued to come it became really all about him and being around his family. Now she has a better relationship with her family.

 

[Holla]

Some women are idiots. Harsh but true.

Why would a woman go through all of that and at the end of the day ....or decades ...then wonder what went wrong when HE finally leaves her. She is 40 years old (or darn near) and should know better.

 

[syze6]

Some women are idiots. Harsh but true.

Why would a woman go through all of that and at the end of the day ....or decades ...then wonder what went wrong when HE finally leaves her. She is 40 years old (or darn near) and should know better.

Yeah she is 41 and has spent her whole young adulthood with this man. I can see why she would feel a loss. I look at it as a blessing so the real man can come into her life. Unfortunately, It won't happen until she truly lets go. Her youngest one is 3 and I told her she has to teach her not to repeat that when she grows up and get a man.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Until she changes her mindset, she is not going to want a "real man". She is going to keep going after losers like the ex...because that's what she likes. Also, she is not going to attract a decent man...because she ain't ready.

A person like her will turn down a decent man because his characteristics is not what she's use to. He will not be the type that shes attracted to.

Yeah she is 41 and has wasted the whole young adulthood with this man. I can see why she would feel a loss. I look at it as a blessing so the real man can come into her life. Unfortunately, It won't happen until she truly lets go. Her youngest one is 3 and I told her she has to teach her not to repeat that when she grows up and get a man.

 

[CaraWalker]

she is a fool and saw no value in herself. the only worth she saw was as a woman attached to a man. she needed it, and she put up with foolishness to get it. now that its gone shes feeling the worthlessness she hid from all those years she spent chasing after an addict.

this is what happens when you feel your being doesnt have any inherent worth. you attach yourself beyond reason to whatever you think gives it some.

 

[MizAvalon]

I agree...pain is pain no matter marriage or not. It was always something she wanted badly. She wanted to be married regardless of the pain she was enduring. I always felt bad because when he was asked if he would marry, he always said he would, but not to her. I'm thinking why even keep bothering with a woman you KNOW wants marriage. I don't know any woman who chooses to have baby after baby with the same guy, unless she felt it was going to be permanent.

I think him being in addiction for all those years, made it easy for him to continue to attach himself to her. Maybe she felt love by being needed. To be honest, I saw it coming, this was 4 years in the making, but still felt bad for her. I saw him get clean, get employment, a home and all the things that is a success story of addiction. His dependence on her diminished slowly. I think that being a huge part of the relationship has left her feeling a certain type of way. She cried and I hate to see anyone cry, so I hugged her and made her laugh.

This sounds like it was a co-dependent relationship. If she doesn't work out her issues she will just repeat the pattern with some other man.

Oh, and she didn't *really* want to be married. If she did, she would have found someone that wanted that too. I don't like to see women claiming that they want marriage and are marriage minded but then do the exact opposite. Shame that she wasted her entire youth waiting around for him. Watch him meet someone and get married in the next 2 or 3 years. I have seen it a million times.

 

[syze6]

Until she changes her mindset, she is not going to want a "real man". She is going to keep going after losers like the ex...because that's what she likes. Also, she is not going to attract a decent man...because she ain't ready.

A person like her will turn down a decent man because his characteristics is not what she's use to. He will not be the type that shes attracted to.

She said her heart is closed now. When I was talking with the ex brother, he said that his brother has been trying to tell her for the last couple of years. He said each time he tried to get away, she would interject herself into situations that he never asked her help for. So apparently he had been trying to distance himself from her for a while. He even shared with her that he had started a relationship with someone else. He said it was silly of him to continue to sleep with her, knowing he told her he wanted out. That was all before that last baby came. All during the pregnancy he maintained her wanted to just co-parent. He finally got himself to a point where he was not calling upon her for things. So I'm sure she sees a part she played in all this as well.

 

[ambergirl]

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this. So much fuggery, so little time.

Seriously.

How many kids does she have?

My guess is that some part of her feel unworthy of genuine love or afraid that real love is not possible for her. She thinks he was and is her only shot.

She needs to heal her soul. If she's open I would suggest some kind of deep spiritually based healing (similar to what Iyanla does) rather than therapy. That is a deep wound.

 

[*CherryPie*]

It's sad when the "BAD" person if fighting to get away from you. That's really sad. I hope she gets help soon.

 

[Ogoma]

I am not surprised he got sober and ended the relationship. I understand it is quite common. She may have been bad for his sobriety as well. She met him in the throes of his addiction and started dating him. He is not her problem. He had to leave her for his sobriety. The last thing an addict needs is a permissive person around.

 

[ambergirl]

I am not surprised he got sober and ended the relationship. I understand it is quite common. She may have been bad for his sobriety as well. She met him in the throes of his addiction and started dating him. He is not her problem. He had to leave her for his sobriety. The last thing an addict needs is a permissive person around.

Agree....Sad to say but I've rarely seen a man who met someone when he was struggling (economically, drugs, etc) stay with her when he got his **** together.

A male friend of mine said it's because that woman reminds men of the man they used to be rather then who they now think they are.

 

[julzinha]

She said her heart is closed now. When I was talking with the ex brother, he said that his brother has been trying to tell her for the last couple of years. He said each time he tried to get away, she would interject herself into situations that he never asked her help for. So apparently he had been trying to distance himself from her for a while. He even shared with her that he had started a relationship with someone else. He said it was silly of him to continue to sleep with her, knowing he told her he wanted out. That was all before that last baby came. All during the pregnancy he maintained her wanted to just co-parent. He finally got himself to a point where he was not calling upon her for things. So I'm sure she sees a part she played in all this as well.

I hate to say it but she is an enabler. She likes to feel and be needed even if she's not necessarily wanted. What he did is selfish, but it seems as though she feared him getting his life together because he would leave. I don't think she ever developed a sense of self and autonomy instead she clung to a situation and person that made her life worth something.

Like some of the other posters stated she needs to get a counselor to break the current mind state because essentially she will end up with the same type of person. I'm not trying to minimize her hurt, but some people need to understand being a martyr in a relationship is not always honorable especially when both of you are essentially using each other to fill a void.

 

[brownb83]

Also a woman should never forsake her family for a man. Never? why?

Because if things go left then who does she have?

Especially if the man knows this. He was literally her everything .He kept his support system intact.

So now she has to go hear I told you so from her family. Then she has to try to fix the relationships she messed up.

She needs/needed a support system.

 

[sunnydaze]

Agree....Sad to say but I've rarely seen a man who met someone when he was struggling (economically, drugs, etc) stay with her when he got his **** together. A male friend of mine said it's because that woman reminds men of the man they used to be rather then who they now think they are.

This is nothing but truth.

 

[syze6]

I am not surprised he got sober and ended the relationship. I understand it is quite common. She may have been bad for his sobriety as well. She met him in the throes of his addiction and started dating him. He is not her problem. He had to leave her for his sobriety. The last thing an addict needs is a permissive person around.

Yeah...he was doing hard drugs when she got with him. The man had so many jail stints I can't even count. She was right there with him having babies with this man. Thank God the children are healthy but, we couldn't figure out why she would do that to her or risk a child being an addict. She has 5 children with this man and he is in the wind. You really can't ask a man or woman to stay where they aren't happy. They will not be able to make you happy in a relationship. She still wears a ring that she bought herself years ago, when she decided to take on his last name. I was thinking she must be devastated to have spent all those years with this man, dealing with his drug selling, drug addiction, countless women, other children and such and HE walks away. That ride or die syndrome is the death of many women.

I will say, that many of his family members thought that she loved him in that state. I thought that was harsh to say, who would want to see a love one hooked on drugs. They said he was safe to her at that state. No other woman wanted a drug addict, family members grow tired of the drama that comes along with it, so he clings to the one person there...her! This made him easier to control.

They felt he should have been in drug rehab many times. One of the family members had him at the door of the rehab place. She came to talk him out of going in, because the weekend coming up was one of the children's birthday. He felt guilty and decided he would wait, she never took him back after that weekend. That is when they concluded she didn't want to see him well. I believe if he was really ready, no one would have stopped him from going in.

 

[CaraWalker]

she is a straight up fool. i dont even feel bad for her. that is several steps beyond merely wishing and hoping someone would get themselves together and choose you.

 

[syze6]

Also a woman should never forsake her family for a man. Never? why?

Because if things go left then who does she have?

Especially if the man knows this. He was literally her everything .He kept his support system intact.

So now she has to go hear I told you so from her family. Then she has to try to fix the relationships she messed up.

She needs/needed a support system.

YES! That's why I believe in woman maintaining their OWN identity in ANY relationship, be it friendship or romantic. He WAS her everything and yes he still has his family and friends he had from the beginning. I have seen him in the throws of his addiction and couldn't imagine being in a relationship and having children and trying to be strong.

The man is doing quite well for himself and he really does seem happy. I don't think folks supporting her mindset of he should be grateful is helping her. I think that mindset will not help her fully move forward. He doesn't need her for ANYTHING but I'm sure he just wanted to move on and find love. He loved her for the children but not for a lasting relationship. I think it doesn't matter to her, because she still had him around.

I hope I left something for her to consider in her healing process. She really has let herself go and it was sad to see. Meanwhile, this man is popping his collar and taking very good care of himself as men will do!

 

[ambergirl]

20 years, 5 kids with a drug addicted man?

Just...wow...she seems detached from reality.

 

[syze6]

20 years, 5 kids with a drug addicted man?

Just...wow...she seems detached from reality.

I always wondered why she choose to continue having children with this man. I think folks spent so much time talking and focusing on his issues that no one considered her issues. It would be disturbing to me to see him nodding in and out when he was around. How can you endure that on a permanent basis with someone day in and out. When it's not that, you are constantly visiting him in jail. Then in between you giving birth to children, there was a disconnect going on somewhere.

I just hope really does move on and take care of herself!

 

[LivingInPeace]

She's a living testimony to what not to do. Nothing about her life makes sense. And she has no one to blame but herself.

 

[Fine 4s]

Yeah young girls need to be taught that men think and act differently than women. So making sacrifices, being a down arse ich, all these things men give zero flycks about. Men do what makes them happy Period. Women have to learn to do the same. It's difficult to do though if no one has taught you. I feel bad for her she lost herself. But the best thing a woman married or not can do is put herself first, take good care of herself as if her relationship/marriage could end tomorrow because it can.

A little off topic-
People make these assumptions that relationships and marriages last forever. That's how folks get blind-sighted. We are human! When something no longer serves us, we move on. I've done it, it's been done to me and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Why be unhappy in the only life God gave you. We are all seeking happiness. Why does the married man up and decided to be a priest or a Buddhist monk? If u want to lessen the chances of that happening, have checkins on the relationship, do things that grow you together and simply stay relevant. I guess communication? Our lives get so busy that we forget to ask "are u happy?" I wouldn't want someone staying with me out of pity, comfort or fear etc. been there done that. Always felt something was missing, they simply didn't want to be there and you FEEL it. Just thinking about it hurts but just because it hurts didn't make him wrong for feeling that way....the arsehole lol

In the end, learning not to take things personally goes a loooong way. I'm at stage uno. Lol

Idk, reality is a mother....