Proper Punishment (for misbehaving man)

[sonce]

Background: You've been with a guy for two months and it's serious enough to have exchanged "I Love You"s but has not yet existed long enough for you to feel really secure in the relationship.

Problem: You plan a really cute date to a museum with gorgeous gardens over a weekend, and give your man advance notice via loving email and phone. You let him know you plan to give him a gift and it's clear you're feeling really loving towards him. He responds to neither the email nor the voicemail nor texts until the night before the day you were supposed to go, at which point he writes via text: "Think I'll skip it tomorrow. Thanks. Just resting up this weekend..."

How do you feel and what do you do?

Now, someone presented me with this scenario, asking for advice. However, I have been told time and again that I am too harsh with men, so I am presenting this scenario to you lovely ladies for your consideration before I give my advice. Mind you, this guy has told her that he's scared about how fast things are going, so that makes me think that there's something more going on than him just "resting up" rolleyes this weekend.

 

[JFemme]

I voted to dump him STAT...NO second chances...

*awaits kinder, gentler answers*

life is too short, gals...

once you settle for less than you deserve...well you know the rest...

 

[sonce]

I voted to dump him STAT...NO second chances...

*awaits kinder, gentler answers*

life is too short, gals...

once you settle for less than you deserve...well you know the rest...

See, this is what I would say, but apparently, I'm harsh. If he apologizes to her, do you think she should take him back? I hesitate to give her my advice because I don't want to be seen as that friend who is always telling you to dump your man, KWIM?

 

[Bunny77]

I'm learning more and more that I need to be harsh. Many of my friends and family members (even my mother) will always try to make excuses for men or tell me that things aren't always black and white and that I need to tell him how I feel, blah blah blah...

And each time I do that, it turns out to be a freakin' waste of time and I realize I should have cut these fools off back when I wanted to instead of trying to be nice and "give him a chance."

That being said, I picked the second option... but I just suddenly changed my mind (oh well, too late to change the poll). I'd now pick "dump him, no questions asked," simply because he already said that things were moving too fast (sorry, but two months isn't too fast for me) and any time a man talks about wanting to go slow AFTER things have already started moving, it means he's looking for an exit.

If you wanna go slow, then start slow from the beginning. Don't go fast and then say you wanna go slow... and let me guess... she slept with this man too, didn't she? Men have a lot of nerve then deciding that they want to "go slow" after they had no problem going fast to get the booty.

Yeah, dump him. Move on. Life's too short.

 

[Choclatcotton]

I say play it cool, dont even give him the satisfaction that you are hurting, play his game and blow it off, act like ok. Invite someone else and when you reverse the physchology, it will drive him crazy and he will be on it like white on rice. You will be back in the drivers seat.

 

[BrownSkin2]

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is tired from his work week, or feeling drained, etc. I wouldn't call him though. I'd wait for him to call me, but in the mean time I would invite someone else, and if he does it again, then I'd dump him...

 

[baby42]

may be i getting too old but i would be saying to the left to the left why cause afther the i love you,s isnt things going to move faster? i over heard my son tell his lady friend just to night that he staying in to get some rest, to night and didnt feel like going out and ask her if she wanted to come by. any way and she said yes. so to break a date when love is new right before the date to me is a this fast and slow or hot and cold dont work for me who has time for games??????

 

[Taliah]

I say play it cool, dont even give him the satisfaction that you are hurting, play his game and blow it off, act like ok. Invite someone else and when you reverse the physchology, it will drive him crazy and he will be on it like white on rice. You will be back in the drivers seat.

I agree. Relationships are strategic chess moves. No man is perfect. You have to learn how to maintain and get him to do what you want and know when and how to choose your battles. You can not and you will not win all of the time and that's not the goal anyway. All men are different. I say stay with the one you have figured out and do what works.

 

[Opalsunset]

I would ignore him like he doesn't even exist until he gets the hint and he knows how I felt when he did the same thing to me. That, letting him know what it may be like eventually if he doesn't get his act together.

 

[natural_one]

Background: You've been with a guy for two months and it's serious enough to have exchanged "I Love You"s but has not yet existed long enough for you to feel really secure in the relationship.
.

I dont understand this...How can you really love someone that you dont feel secure with??

 

[MrsBurns82]

I dont understand this...How can you really love someone that you dont feel secure with??

I agree I would delve deeper. Maybe he really does like her but her urgency to do things is freaking him out so he's pumping the breaks. I mean it came right out his mouth. I think sometimes us women look to deep into things when a lot of times the answer is right in our face.

 

[Vinyl]

I'd say dump him. The fact that he waited until the day before shows insensitivity towards her feelings. Hell, he could have at least called her to tell her he wasn't going.

I personally think two months is way too short a time to bother with "delving deeper," unless he makes an effort to apologize and patch things up.

 

[BK Bombshell]

I wouldn't call him again, but if he calls, I would act like nothing happened. Not upset, nothing. I would vote for putting some distance in the relationship and if he doesn't make more of an effort to be with her in a reasonable amount of time, then dump him. However, start dating other guys stat. IMHO, it sounds like she's pressuring him into something that he doesn't want to do. The whole gardens, gifts, loving VMs thing sounds like a bit much. He should be pursuing her and she's not giving him room to do it. She should sit back for a while to see what he does. If he wants to slow down let him, while she dates other people. She shouldn't be sitting around wondering what he's doing while he's "resting up". Always have a plan B until you're in a committed relationship.

ETA: This isn't about punishing him for misbehaving. He's only doing what he thinks what he can get away with. Her actions going forward will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. When you value yourself, others fall in line or fade away.

 

[Caramela]

Mind you, this guy has told her that he's scared about how fast things are going

She should BELIEVE him She is coming on way too strong and he's not where she is.

 

[Caramela]

Oh... and I voted no punishment because he did nothing wrong.

 

[FlowerHair]

She should BELIEVE him She is coming on way too strong and he's not where she is.

Very true! 2 months is way too short for a woman to be planning a fancy outing for her date... That's like begging. No. I mean, what's left for him to do? He knows he's got her like that already

I wouldn't even plan the outing to begin with, but in the odd circumstance that I had and he responded that way, I would no longer answer his calls.

 

[adf23]

I wouldn't call him again, but if he calls, I would act like nothing happened. Not upset, nothing. I would vote for putting some distance in the relationship and if he doesn't make more of an effort to be with her in a reasonable amount of time, then dump him. However, start dating other guys stat. IMHO, it sounds like she's pressuring him into something that he doesn't want to do. The whole gardens, gifts, loving VMs thing sounds like a bit much. He should be pursuing her and she's not giving him room to do it. She should sit back for a while to see what he does. If he wants to slow down let him, while she dates other people. She shouldn't be sitting around wondering what he's doing while he's "resting up". Always have a plan B until you're in a committed relationship.

ETA: This isn't about punishing him for misbehaving. He's only doing what he thinks what he can get away with. Her actions going forward will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. When you value yourself, others fall in line or fade away.

I completely agree with this entire post. First of all, she shouldn't have planned the date. *Being honest* I would probably not answer the phone for a few days, and act like nothing is wrong. From there, I would do some serious pumping of the brakes. Technically, he did nothing wrong- he didn't want to go, so he didn't. At the same time, apparently he felt no guilt at all about letting her down. If anything, this is a lesson learned to not plan dates with a guy she has known for 2 months. He should still be doing the courting. Any temptation on her part to "let him have it" is probably a defense mechanism out of embarrassment/shame, IMO.

 

[stinastina]

Very true! 2 months is way too short for a woman to be planning a fancy outing for her date... That's like begging. No. I mean, what's left for him to do? He knows he's got her like that already

I wouldn't even plan the outing to begin with, but in the odd circumstance that I had and he responded that way, I would no longer answer his calls.

Co-signing !

 

[Ms Red]

I voted for option #1. No second chances.

 

[CaribbeanQueen]

I would just take a step back. From then on, I would let him plan the dates, buy the gifts and prove that his 'I love yous' are more than just words...

 

[*KP*]

I would just take a step back. From then on, I would let him plan the dates, buy the gifts and prove that his 'I love yous' are more than just words...

yeah, what she said!

 

[amara11]

oh, he'd get the cold shoulder with a quickness- but that's for a few reasons:

1) I'm assuming we'd been together for longer than 2 months (especially if we'd already exchanged 'I love yous' - in which case the relationship is now something substansial
2.) I highly doubt that I would put that much effort into doing something for him- if I had no indication that he felt seriously about me - in which instance, his response "think I'll take a day to rest"- or whatever- would warrant and immediate fallback on my part. B/c either I was confused about where we stood as a couple, or he was misleading me.

I'm not trying to me militant with this mindset, I just believe that when someone loves you and appreciates who you are and what you do for them, they would at the very least have the decency to show up - I mean dang, that's all homeboy had to do was show up! And he couldn't do that? Naw, cold shoulder- no calling him none of that. I would not (and I emphasize this) be rude, or curt, or attitudish (men pick up on that and they just LOVE to know that they've gotten under your skin) I would be nice (sincerely) but I would just rewind our situation and start him over at step 1- as though we never had anything to begin with. That's just me though- I can be a meany when it comes to stuff like that

 

[esoterica]

Sorry, but why is she planning anything for them to do? Surely he'd get of his a$$ and plan something if he actually wanted to do something. If he prefers lying on the sofa to seeing her (only 2 months into the relationship at that!) then he probably doesn't love her anyway. Sounds like she is trying way too hard cause she knows the dude ain't all that bothered. I say dump him stat and stop chasing men!

 

[TLC1020]

Whew... People say I'm mean to men as well ... Oh well ....
Just the mere fact that he had enough time to take a raincheck and he did not say let's reschedule for another day let me know that if it was somewhere he wanted be he'd be there.. These type of men you have to show them better than you can tell them.. Since its still early I wouldn't text or call him, he would be done.. --->NEXT

 

[spelmanlocks]

I concur with those who said she is moving to fast and she may be making him uncomfortable. She should just slow her roll and ignore him for a minute. He'll come back around if he really wants to be with her.

 

[sonce]

oh, he'd get the cold shoulder with a quickness- but that's for a few reasons:

1) I'm assuming we'd been together for longer than 2 months (especially if we'd already exchanged 'I love yous' - in which case the relationship is now something substansial
2.) I highly doubt that I would put that much effort into doing something for him- if I had no indication that he felt seriously about me - in which instance, his response "think I'll take a day to rest"- or whatever- would warrant and immediate fallback on my part. B/c either I was confused about where we stood as a couple, or he was misleading me.

I'm not trying to me militant with this mindset, I just believe that when someone loves you and appreciates who you are and what you do for them, they would at the very least have the decency to show up - I mean dang, that's all homeboy had to do was show up! And he couldn't do that? Naw, cold shoulder- no calling him none of that. I would not (and I emphasize this) be rude, or curt, or attitudish (men pick up on that and they just LOVE to know that they've gotten under your skin) I would be nice (sincerely) but I would just rewind our situation and start him over at step 1- as though we never had anything to begin with. That's just me though- I can be a meany when it comes to stuff like that

We are so >>>> here <<<< Us meanies need to unite and write a book or something.

 

[sonce]

Sorry, but why is she planning anything for them to do? Surely he'd get of his a$$ and plan something if he actually wanted to do something.

He's planned all their dates for the entire time they've been together. She was trying to take initiative and signal her interest by finally planning something too.

 

[PaperClip]

He's planned all their dates for the entire time they've been together. She was trying to take initiative and signal her interest by finally planning something too.

Didn't she signal her interest when she had sex with him?

 

[simplertimes]

I'd erase his number

 

[beverly]

I would -Ignore his calls/emails for some time then explain what's wrong if he doesn't get it.